CHAPTER 14

Caligula would had been proud of me

As you know from the first book, I D-J’d (Disc Jockeyed) I shared the mobile disco with a friend called Steve (Stephen).

We would do weddings, club disco’s, party’s etc, but on weekends we had regular gigs on the sightseeing boats that went up and down the river Thames. This was because during the evening and night there were no sightseeing tourists.

This weekend apart from selling tickets for the regular punters we had a group booking for a hen’s night. This was because we offered a group discount.

We did lose money by doing group discounts, but because the number of punters were increased, we would make up any lost bookings cash by selling drinks and snacks at the bar.

Steve knew there was going to be a hen’s night tonight, and he was a bit shrewd. Steve was a bit of an enterprising type of guy.

He was always on the lookout for anything that could make him some extra cash.  He had a contact though a sex toys shop manager, who had sold him a box of samples that had just come in from china. 

As we were unloading our cars with the record decks, amplifiers and equipment to setup on the boat for the evening, Steve called me over to look in the sex toys samples box he had purchased.

STEVE: Hey! Leo! Have a look at this stuff I got, I might try and flog some tonight to those hen’s night girls,

I had a look and a rummage around in the big cardboard box and picked out a carton of condoms with a picture of a semi naked couple displayed across the front,

ME: Look, Condom Surprise Variety, it’s been misspelt, it says “Comdon Suprise Vairity”. That’s why he sold them to you cheap!

STEVE: That’s Ok, who cares as long as they do the job. Hang on to the Johnny’s, keep them,

I put the pack of condoms in my pocket and have a look at the dildos and pink vibrators and other various sex toys and sex aids that Steve is proudly demonstrating to me.

We set up the record decks, speakers, and amplifiers on the boat, and test the equipment as we normally do. Just as it turned seven thirty for the public boat boarding time, four minicabs full of women turn up at Greenwich pier to get onto the boat to celebrate a hen’s night party.

The boat was full of party revellers on a hot summers evening, and Steve had waited until the girls had all had quite a bit to drink, and then he joined them at their table to enhance their night by flogging them all sex aids. Unbelievably he was left with an empty box.

The girls were having a riot with these toys, putting them in each other’s drinks, simulating things with mouths.

One girl who had purchased a “Love Egg”, was spinning it around her head holding it by its cable, and then she smashed a florescent light tube on the boats low ceiling and caused a temporary boat wide power blackout.

Another girl trod on a vibrator that had rolled off a table and onto the dance floor. She badly twisted her ankle as she summersaulted and fell. (Don’t know how she explained that to her husband or boyfriend)

When the night was over and the boat had moored back at Greenwich pier, Me and Steve started to load up our cars with the equipment. The hen’s night girls had arranged for some minicabs to take them home and were waiting on the boat for these cars to turn up.

The minicabs turned up and the girls noisily and drunkenly bundled into them. Steve said goodbye to me and drove off leaving me to load the remaining records into my car. Then I hear someone shouting and yelling,

KAREN: They gone? They fucking left me, the hens night girls, I was in the toilet, Bitches!

Karen walks over to me,

KAREN: Have they all gone? The girls? did the minicabs go?

ME: Yeah, all gone! If you need a cab there’s a phone box just over there,

She starts to walk towards the phone box. It’s Two AM Greenwich Mean Time.

I feel sorry for her that her friends have left. I call over to her,

ME: Hey, where do you live!

KAREN: I came up to London from Plymouth to be at Mandy’s hen night, I’m staying at a hotel in Blackheath,

ME: Look, that’s not too far, I’ll drop you off on the way home,

KAREN: OH! Yes, thanks!

As we drove to her hotel she didn’t say much, she just swayed side to side, sung some out of tune pop songs, and mostly held her head. She said that when she closed her eyes the car was spinning and that she felt sick, then she started laughing, at nothing.

At Last, we arrived at the hotel…

KAREN: The bar is still open, come and have a drink with me,

I was tired, and I wanted to go home. Maybe I could get a coffee though,

ME: Ok then, just a quick drink,

The main hotel doors are closed and locked. We have to get into the hotel by the side entrance night door. Karen trips up most of the stairs that go to the bar, but the bar is very closed.

KAREN: I got a coffee maker in my room, come on,

We get to her room and she fills a kettle with water and turns it on, she then goes to her suitcase and gets out a full bottle of Grand Marnier. 

She gets two glasses and fills them both up with the alcohol and hands me one while she gulps her full glass down, then she fills up her glass again.

She turns off the rooms light and turns on the hotel radio and a brass table light both beside the bed.

KAREN: Come on then,

Karen starts to strip off, and so do I. So, we are rolling around on the bed and we are ready to rock and roll. I get out the packet of condoms that Steve gave me and get one out.

The condom is mid blue with pink poker dot spots, and it seems to have stimulator nodules on it. I cannot believe it! it must be some sort of kinky Chinese novelty condom.

Karen it is sitting on my legs, she looks down at me putting the condom on but does not seem to be concerned about its blue and pink comic looking patination.

As she is giving me cowgirl she stops briefly to lean over and get her drink from the bedside table. As she resumes bouncing up and down on me she stops again and takes a sip from the glass, she then looks at me and gives me a big smile followed by a large burp, then yellow and purplish vomit rushes from her mouth and splashes all over my chest.

The glass full of Grand Marnier she was holding gets thrown up in the air and crashes down onto the table lamp. She then suddenly dismounts me and goes to the bathroom and slams the door behind her.

I then hear a “Bang” followed by a “POP”, as the table light goes out, it goes dark in the room, apart from the table light shade that has burst into flames.

The light shades pretty blue flame was as a result of the glass of Grand Marnier smashing the light bulb and causing the hot exposed bulb filament to ignite the alcohol that had spilt all over the light shade.

I got up quick and bang my head on the side table as I had slipped in the sick Karen had left on the carpet. Dazed and giddy I grabbed the table light and pulled its cable away hard from its wall socket.

Still dazed, I was going to put out the fire by putting the lamp in bathroom sink, or under the shower, or down the loo, or whichever Karen was not being sick in. Meanwhile, the kettle had been forgotten, and was boiling, and steam had filled the room.

Much dazed and seeing stars, I could just make out in the steamy darkness the bathroom light narrowly shining from beneath the door. I grabbed the bathroom door handle and pushed the door wide open and rushed in.

The light in the bathroom seemed really bright for my eyes as I blinked and looked around for the toilet or sink or shower. As my vision quickly returned to normal, I saw a middle-aged woman looking straight at me with her mouth wide open, she looked startled, and was not Karen.

Then a man suddenly appeared, he had been standing behind the women, he had been opening the hotel room door opposite ours. Yes, I was not in the bathroom, I was standing in the hotel corridor. 

As I stood there in the hotel corridor with blood running down my forehead from the head injury I had received, and steam wafting out from the open door of the hotel room behind me, and also trying to smile, but grinning instead, and saying nothing, because I really did have nothing to say, at all. 

I must had looked and smelled like a lost drunk stripper that was hired for the New Year’s Eve sex orgy party that was being held by the roman emperor “Caligula”. 

I should had told my new hotel corridor friends that I was a special BDSM fetish feature for a party that night. And I was required to be a naked Olympic torch bearer, but I had lost my Olympic torch, but I had found a brass table lamp instead, and set that on fire. 

And the excuse that I had for a bloodied head, the colourful smelly sick running down my chest, and the psychedelically coloured sausage skin hanging from my partially erect penis, was that it had been requested personally by Caligula himself.

But I didn’t. I went back in the steam room, and put the table lamp out under the shower, cleaned up, got dressed, had a coffee and went home.

Life is a journey,

Not a destination,

Love is a feeling,

Not for negotiation,

Find Love, and love life,

as they are both, a celebration,

A LONDON BOY,

BOOK2,

END