CHAPTER 1
COMEDY CIRCUS BIKES
In the mid seventy’s we all had bicycles (Bikes) none were new, they were made up of bits that were found dumped mostly on old bomb sites where houses had once been. These sites were boarded up houses that were in various states of demolition from the bombings back in WW2. People used to throw unwanted stuff over the high fence’s like sofa’s, cooking stoves, old TV’s, Bikes etc.
These derelict houses were surrounded by six or eight feet high galvanised corrugated iron sheeting, that were often covered in multiple thick layers of paper advertising for wrestling matches or films that were showing at local cinemas etc.
The advertising posters covered signs put up by the council that said, “BUILDING UNSTABLE, DEEP EXCAVATIONS RISK OF INJURY OR DEATH, DO NOT ENTER”.
These large paper sheets of advertising were glued to the galvanised metal fencing with copious amounts of paste that had puddled onto the pavement over the many years, strangely, nothing seemed to grow in these areas, the paste must have had something in it to stop mould and plants taking root.
To gain access to these old dumping grounds we would throw a jacket or an old hessian sack over the sharp corrugated iron sheeting’s top edge, and scramble over the top of the fence and drop down the other side into the front or back garden, once we were on the other side we were out of prying eyes.
We would all wander off in different directions in these overgrown grass wastelands’ full of sapling trees and weeds. Always littered with rubbish thrown over the fence, old smashed TV’s, radios, rusty bedframes, old iron stoves.
JACK: LOOK! I got a bike front wheel and tyre! Twenty-six-inch size!
TOBY: LOOK! I got a wheel and tyre! Twenty-six-inch size! It’s a back wheel!
ME: I found a bike frame!
We forced a corrugated iron panel in the fence out of its wooden frame in one corner, just enough to squeeze ourselves and our prizes back out, and then started to make our way back home.
JACK: A front wheel is all I need for my bike,
TOBY: I can’t believe it; I GOT A BACK WHEEL!
ME: We all got what we need now to fix up our bikes, where we going to go with them?
TOBY: Cowboy land!
JACK: Yeah! Cowboy land!
Cowboy land was an area on Blackheath in Greenwich London that had been mined for gravel long before I was born, it’s close to the top south east corner of Greenwich park.
Across the road from Cowboy land was a small hilly place called the “Dips”. Cowboy land and the Dips was the place to go if you had a bicycle and wanted to participate in some “Off road” experiences.
As we all lived in the same street, and since I had a few tools, we assembled ourselves and our bike bits on the pavement outside my house.
We started putting our bikes together, we could hardly believe our luck, we all had the bits we needed to complete our projects.
Ok, so we didn’t all have brakes, or brakes that even worked in some cases. Toby’s bike was missing the bolt that held his seat up, but that didn’t matter, because he was short anyway.
I had odd length pedal crank-arms, and Jacks bike had a girl’s frame and was pink. We assembled our bikes and leaned them up against the fence railings at the front of my house to proudly look at them.
My bike sort of looked ok, but Toby’s and Jacks bikes both had an obvious issue. Jacks front wheel was a 26 inch, and Toby’s rear wheel was 26 inch in size, but Jacks back wheel was a 20-inch wheel and Toby’s front wheel was 20 inch in size.
And just to make things worse, Toby’s bike had drop handlebars and Jacks bike had high-rise chopper style handlebars fitted.
ME: Why don’t you both swap wheels,
JACK: Yeah! Give me your back-wheel Toby,
TOBY: I got a better idea, you give me your front wheel, and you can have my front wheel,
The arguing went on for quite a while until I got on my bike and started to pedal up the road. They quickly stopped their arguing and grabbed their own bikes and quickly caught me up. As we were cycling down the road on our comedy circus bicycles the arguing starts again.
TOBY: It’s alright for you Leo, your bikes normal, I’m fucking well looking at the ground all the time,
JACK: Yeah! Mines like one of those penny farthings bikes,
We didn’t stop at road crossings, we just bumped up and down the road’s kerbstones. That’s when I realised that there was something wrong with my bike.
The frame was sort of bouncing like it had suspension. I looked down and could see that the bikes frame downtube was not connected to the headtube, it looked like the welding had broken away.
This could had been the reason the bicycle frame had been thrown away and dumped. This didn’t worry me because I found that I was able to control this bouncing feature, and it amused me.
I would forcefully push down on the handlebars as I went up and down kerbstones and bumps and found that I could bounce the bike up and down as I was going along, it was like it was a coiled spring. I found this bouncing a fun and amusing thing to do.
We managed to get to “Cowboy land” without too many mechanical failures, like chains coming off or handlebars not tightened up enough. When we got there, we went for a try out session around the “Dips”.
Most of the worn-out grassless dirt bike paths were only wide enough for one bike, so we would take turns at being leader. Because we followed each other really closely, and there was no room for overtaking, and due to a lack of decent brakes if the leader crashed, we would all end up in a pile on top of each other.
Already bruised and bloodied by our accidents at the “Dips”, we crossed the road to “Cowboy land” and lined up at the top of a long steep gravel hill. We kept quiet for a while as we looked down the slope.
ME: Who’s going first then?
JACK: Toby’s bikes got brakes almost, he should go first,
ME: Yeah, I agree,
TOBY: Fuck off,
JACK: You got brakes Toby, I ain’t,
TOBY: Fuck off,
ME: All right, give me your bike and I’ll go,
TOBY: Fuck off, NO! I’ll go first then,
Toby pats and rubs his bike then he does a sort of deep breathing exercise, Me and Jack look at each other and wonder what the fuck he is doing.
He then just takes off, peddling as fast as he can and yelling “Aaaaaarrrrrhhhhh!” as he speeds down the gravel hill with the bike uncontrollably wobbling. Toby is trying to keep his bike going in a straight line as we both laugh at him.
The bravado yelling briefly stops and starts again as he goes over a mound at the bottom of the hill where he should had stopped.
Then the yelling becomes a scream as the bicycle and passenger go over the mound, he momentarily leaves the ground, then he and bike vanish as he goes over the back of the hill and out of sight.
Me and Jack drop our bikes and run down the hill to find Toby and bike in a thick bush. I shout in Toby’s direction.
ME: You alright?
TOBY: Fuck off! Good thing this bush was here,
JACK: Yeah! If you didn’t hit this bush, you could had hit another bush!
ME: What happened?
TOBY: The brakes don’t work,
I have a look at his bike,
ME: You idiot! You put the brake blocks in backwards,
they shot out when you pulled on the brake lever!
Me and Jack are laughing at Toby’s mistake.
JACK: You wanker,
TOBY: I didn’t know did I,
As Toby drags himself and his bike out of the bush his bum is facing us,
JACK: Did you have cornflake’s for breakfast Tobes?
TOBY: What?
JACK: I can see right up your bum hole, looks like cornflakes to me!
And so, Toby’s day had just gotten worse, as he has ripped his Jeans badly, and he is obviously not wearing any underwear.
We take a short cycle ride across Blackheath to a boating pond near a pub called the Princess of wales to see if anyone was racing any model boats that day.
The pond is quite dirty and deep, there is a narrow path that goes around it’s circumference. There’s no fence or guardrail to stop you falling in, and the pond had sheer edges that go straight down into its abyss like a cliff, but even though it was a bright and sunny day there were no boats to watch.
I bounce my bike up and down and cycle around in circles for a bit, and then I have an idea for a new bike game.
ME: I know, let’s play a dare game!
JACK: OK,
TOBY: Yeah!
ME: Put two empty soda cans out of that waste bin close together here on the path, then you must steer around them with your front wheel, and drive through them on your bike with only your back wheel. We put these cans closer and closer together until someone knocks one of them over and your out, and then it’s between the last two of us, and the winner decides the dare for the other two.
Jack and Toby agree.
We flip coins to decide who will go first and second and start the competition. I am last and spend my waiting time bouncing up and down on my bike. The bouncing seems to be getting bouncier for some reason. Then it’s my turn, the cans get moved closer together and we all take turns to go again.
Now it’s my turn, and just before I go through the pair of cans on the boating pond path, I bounce the bike up and down first for fun. As I look down to make sure my back wheel is aligned to go through the pair of cans there is a pinging noise coming from near my knees.
I look down and can see and feel the bike frame coming apart, I lean back, and the bike frame comes apart in two pieces.
I am holding the handlebars and front wheel about a foot to my left instead of directly in front of me, I have no control and no experience of my new mono cycle, and of course have no brakes as I cycle off the boating ponds rounded concrete edge and into the deep dirty water that had foul smelling mud in the bottom as I discovered.