3
FINDING OUT
Newfoundland became the tenth province to join the Canadian Confederation. The North Atlantic Treaty Organization, NATO, an international defense alliance, was signed by Canada and the allies in The Hague, Netherlands, to guard Western democracy from communist attack. China and the Soviet Union signed a treaty and Communism was now in control of 40% of the world's population. The Russians exploded their first atomic bomb. Americans were now buying 60,000 television sets. Canada finally granted full recognition to the State of Israel.
I was in fourth grade when my mother wrote this revealing letter:
On behalf of the parents, I would like to express a message of good will to our principal and teachers. Last month a meeting was planned called as a parents Night" and as a parent, I naturally attended. What impressed me greatly was the interest shown by the pupils in preparing their drawings, paintings, and arts and crafts projects so that their parents would see their classrooms and work. I was a very proud parent that night, as were so many others. Whatever we felt, however we appreciated the children's work, we did not express ourselves adequately. We the parents, mostly of European birth and heritage, are very fortunate indeed - fortunate that we are living in Canada and through our democratic way of life, are in the happy position to he part of a Home & School movement which gives us the opportunity to meet with the principal and teachers on a friendly basis, with a common purpose - the education of our children. This opportunity, our parents did not have and we should indeed pause to think and realize how privileged we are to share in their education. This is a festive season, Chanukah and Christmas - each exemplifies tradition and religion, with the simple truth of one God. We should all dedicate ourselves to the spirit of goodwill and tolerance. In keeping with the holiday spirit and on behalf of the members of the Home & School Association it gives me great pleasure to present this radio to the teachers for their rest room. We do hope you will enjoy it in your leisure time.
This intelligent woman, my mother, constantly talked about killing herself. It was always her "nerves" when she came back from her doctor's visits and my father called her high-strung. "Be good to Ma," he repeated time and again after our many fierce fights. How could I "be good to Ma" when he wasn't? He pretended to be good to her most of the time but while making excuses for his wife and begging me not to be like her, "helpless," he made me his accomplice and created a gulf between my mother and me forever.
HI wonder if the intensity of that mother's hysteria was not the fruit of a barren womb." 1
When I was nine I was introduced to sex through a book my mother gave me called Where Do Babies Come From. It contained illustrations of a woman's reproductive organs, a baby curled up in the uterus and the parents living happily ever after with their newborn. My mother didn't say anything and I didn't ask her why I needed to know this at the time. I did look through the pages but never imagined that I came out of a uterus other than hers. Didn't everybody come out of their mummies' tummies? She never told me hers didn't work.
My best friend Judy lived a few doors away with her parents, two sisters, a brother, and grandparents in a roomy, third-story flat. Meals at her house were special, something my mother couldn't understand. They ate everything out of soup bowls and the cutlery was gathered in a glass in the center of the table. At my house we always had soup and salad bowls, dinner plates, and a place setting of cutlery along with a napkin. It might have been the large friendly family scene rather than the table setting that was so appealing - a desire to experience what it was like to grow up with a real family or having been a part of one before being given up.
Judy's mother worked at my parents' clothing store when they needed ex- tra help. Every Friday after school she and I walked to the shop, and my father would treat us to supper at the delicatessen next door. Back at the store we played salesladies with real invoice books while the staff, forced to put up with us, patiently turned a deaf ear. One evening we discovered some boxes of pink, soft rubber falsies that looked just like the real thing. We filled our sweaters with them and walked out onto the floor showing off our newly formed bosoms. The head saleslady chased us through aisles and behind the counters to the stockroom in the rear. Even though she laughed, yielding to our childish mirth, she was quite exasperated. She replaced them, quite firm about our not handling the merchandise, or she would get it from the boss. I, however, could do anything, I was the boss's daughter.
Saturday mornings we attended dance class in the school gymnasium. Because I couldn't live without my friend and her parents couldn't afford ballet lessons, my parents paid for her so that we could be together. Eleanor Ashton, the head of the Canadian Ballet, visited our school to interview students for potential initiates. After performing our rehearsed routines she approached me, ran her hand along my arms, saying "beautiful arms, perfect for the ballet." She asked if I liked to dance and then went off with my teacher in a whispered tete-a-tete. Would I and another of the girls be interested in becoming members of the Canadian Junior Ballet? I was so excited to be chosen I wasn't really sure what she meant. Study ballet every day? With a real company? She later explained to my mother what this would entail - classes every day after school in a place quite far from where I lived and a very heavy commitment on my part as well as my mother's. I remember my parents discussing it that evening. "But it's every day after school, Myer, and I have to drive her and wait there until she's finished. It's asking too much." Confused at her reluctance, I couldn't say anything. How I felt wouldn't have made a difference. It was not up to me. My mother declined. I don't remember what feelings I forced out of my heart but I know that I wanted nothing more than to dance.
"The good adoptee is almost selfless in a desire to please. Wanting to fit in at any cost, it will deny its own needs for the sake of others. It senses what is acceptable and what is not and will do anything to avoid confrontation." 2
On Saturday afternoons, along with the neighborhood kids, Judy and I escaped in the antics of Laurel and Hardy, Hopalong Cassidy, Bugs Bunny and Woody Woodpecker in an old church basement. It was always a shock leaving the building to emerge into a harsh sunlit world after having spent those happy, carefree hours in total fantasy.
"Since they have no facts they often turn to fantasy." 3
A visit to the amusement park was very special. It happened once every summer and the long drive to the north end of the island of