BROKEN
Breaking the Silence
_____________________________
Azelene Williams
To protect the innocent, some names have been changed!
1st Editor
Dorothy Munro
2nd Editor
Janet Vila
Preface
To my dear readers:
This year on the 23rd of January 2013 I turned 40 and so much has already happened in the last six months. I launched my ‘Breaking the Silence’ video today, and suddenly I am overwhelmed with strange feelings. I am also wondering if I have done the right thing to hit the enter button. Do I want to open myself once more to the world and to people who do and do not know me? If this turns out to be a big mistake, I will just need to get over it - fast!
I made the ‘Breaking the Silence’ YouTube video on impulse: exactly how most things in my life seem to happen. After I completed my Diploma in Holistic Counseling last year, I knew this was important. This was also when I decided to publish my second book, BROKEN Breaking the Silence. While I did my practical, I thought that I would go into fertility counseling. I mean, it made total sense to me. At the end of 2012, I published my first book Infertility: Road to Hell and Back. I believed, because it was a subject that I was very familiar with, that I would end up as a Fertility and Relationship Counselor. After all, I had been there myself and published a book about it.
But surprisingly, a lot of women came to see me with relationship issues, mostly to do with Domestic Violence (DV). In the beginning, I wanted to refer them to somebody else, because it was not my field of expertise. But my clients saw something in me that I had locked away for a very, very long time. It was a dark side of my past that I did not want to revisit or be reminded of ever again.
After one of my clients came to see me one day, I thought long and hard about it. I realized that I had empathy for what she was going through and that it did not distress me as deeply as I thought it would. I was able to push my hurt aside and help her with what she was going through. Suddenly I started to attract more and more clients going through Domestic and Family Violence.
More and more women asking me what grooming was, and why they fell for it. Some women were still caught up in it; others experienced it from childhood or previous relationships and were still struggling to deal with what happened to them. Some were simply not able to break the chain and needed help in moving on. In my heart I knew I was doing the right thing standing up for them, but it was still scary. Did I want people to know what happened to me as a teenager?
After I uploaded the recording on YouTube, I sat frozen for a couple of seconds in my office chair. I stared at my computer screen, as if waiting for an answer. But all I saw was a part of my face staring back at me from the video clip I had just uploaded. It was from the last segment and my face clearly portrayed my emotions.
My left index finger started tapping frantically on the send button, and I realized I was annoyed with myself and tired of waiting. I looked down and softly said, “Just hang on a second. If you do this, there’s no turning back”.
I looked up again and stared directly into my own green eyes, which begged me to go ahead and send the video - not just for myself, but for women all over the world.
My finger started tapping again, this time eager to back me up and I thought, “For God’s sake, go on and do it! What the hell do you have to lose Azelene?”
For a second, I moved forward in my chair, wanting to hear my image on the screen say the words and give me the affirmation I seemed to so desperately need. I stared back and heard myself saying, “Yes! Yes, I have to do this. I have nothing to lose, nothing at all.”
Before I could change my mind, I quickly pressed ‘send’.
Moments later I realized I had just lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. Finally, I felt free. It was the release of something I had been harboring for years. Sure, I’d ‘dealt’ with my memories, dark demons and scars, but I always felt there was something more that I had to do. I’d like to believe it was because I never got the opportunity to look my tormentor in the eyes and say to his face, “Fuck you, you bastard! Look at what you have done to me!”
What I have learned from our dear friend Facebook is that he has a daughter and that she is the same age now as I was when he started abusing me. Knowing that was heartbreaking and many times I wanted to contact him to ask one question.
“How would you feel if someone did this to your daughter?” But that is something I’ll never do. I will never contact him. Not even on the bad days when I have this vast cloud of rage towards him. This hatred has become less intense over the years, but never really disappeared. Now and then it surfaces, and it’s at that point when I remind myself that this pain is what made me who I am today. And who I am today is important. I pray that God has protected her and her mother from his evil hands over the years. They say people do change, but sometimes I wonder.
Sliding back in my chair, both my hands fell into my lap, and I felt utterly relieved. I also felt so proud that I was finally speaking out, not just for myself but for all the women who had suffered at the cruel hands of a supposed ‘loved one’.
That turned out to be the calm before the storm. Suddenly I was scared to death - not because of what people would say, but because I wasn’t sure whether I would be strong enough to walk through the door that I had just opened, a heavy door that I closed many years ago and swore never to open again. Digging through old memories and opening up old wounds. Telling the truth about what happened behind those closed doors, especially the bits that I have never spoken about to anybody, not even my mother or best friend. I was standing at a crossroads and I had to make a decision. I was unsure of what lay ahead, however, one thing I was as sure as hell of, was that I was willing to take the chance to keep doing what I do. Even if it’s just to get my voice out there to support other women, women who have been silent for far too long, women who have died because of this silence.
I hope I can offer a glimmer of hope to those who are unable to speak up for themselves, for whatever reason. Perhaps they’re trapped out of fear, their predator slowly draining the life out of them, bit by bit, for his own unfathomable, sadistic reasons. Maybe they’re ashamed of quietly enduring the pain and degradation instead of reaching out for help sooner.
But, more than anything, I am doing this for my daughter Sian Hunter Williams, also known as ‘The Kidzucate Kid’ and founder of Kidzucate. God gave me this precious gift, and I’d like to think He had a good reason. With her by my side, I am stronger than ever before. I also have more fight in me now. I had to break those chains of abuse, and in so doing hope to teach my daughter not to make the same mistakes I did. Believe it or not your past has a strange way of playing out in your children’s lives. So be careful of the decisions you make in life, they tend to repeat themselves when you least expect it.
If possible, I would like to teach her everything I learned along my life’s journey. Most of all I will teach her the power of self-respect, courage and forgiveness. I pray my precious daughter will never have to experience what I did, and it is my responsibility as her mother to speak up and expose my troubled past and hopefully ensure that history does not repeat itself.
There are so many different forms of abuse out there - physical, emotional, social, sexual, verbal and financial - and so many ways that it can delivered including isolation, intimidation, and neglect. These will be discussed in more detail later in this book.
Broken is written to target a couple of things. First of all, for myself, in Breaking the Silence, which is a narrative of my journey as a teenager, caught up in a physically abusive relationship. With telling my story, I will touch on the big question - what is abuse and how did I get caught up in it? I will also focus on the different aspects of abuse. I will talk about why I think women stay with their abusers, specifically in relation to my own experience. I will help identify some of the most common warning signs, as well as offer suggestions on how to get out of a volatile relationship before it’s too late.
The last chapter of the book is a workbook, in which I will provide you with some easy to use tools. Using these tools will help you answer unclear questions you may have about your own relationship and help you make confident decisions. You will be able to identify the manipulative techniques abusers often use to keep women within their grasp.
If you feel trapped in an abusive relationship and have picked up this book, it might be because you want answers about why your loved one is behaving the way they are. Or perhaps you’re not sure what to do next but know that you need some help and direction before you take that first step. Whatever your reason is, I hope this book gives you the support you need to help you on your journey - not just to heal, but also to understand. Remember, whatever you do for this person who abuses you, the situation will not change without professional guidance. That is, if he or she is open to change. The issues that formed part of my life during and after this relationship did not just disappear; I had to work on them for a very, very long time.
It’s time to take a stand - in your life. I’m sure you know that. All I ask is that you gather your strength, step out of your comfort zone and reach out for help. I know it’s scary - I’ve been there. I know what it feels like to have no idea what lies ahead. If you decide to take this first step with me, I know that you have absolutely nothing to lose and everything to gain. Surely nothing can be as bad as being an emotional and physical punching bag.
I am holding my hand out to help you. Take a firm grasp of this opportunity and together we can help you move forward into a safer, more harmonious place where you can think clearly and make the best decisions for YOU. You might read this and say to yourself, “But I’m not strong enough”, “I’ll never be able to do it”, “I will lose everything”, “He will keep the kids” or worst of all “He will kill me or the kids”. That’s totally normal - it’s also part of the brainwashing. Manipulation is key, this is their main intention, and this is exactly how they want you to think and feel without knowing it. What you need to remember is that if you get the right help you will be safe, and you will make it in the end.
You don’t have to make any decisions right now. Even if you decide to take no action at all, after reading this book, I hope my journey gives you some insight into what you are experiencing yourself. My only wish is that, my story will help make your pain and sorrow more bearable. Remember you are not alone. Sometimes it brings comfort and courage hearing other people’s stories and opinions before taking that first step. Now, let me share my story with you…
CONTENTS
Chapter 1 “All things truly wicked start from innocence”
Chapter 2 “You’ll be surprised what I’m capable of Azelene…”
Chapter 3 It’s not what’s being said – It’s how it’s said!
Chapter 4 What is wrong with me?
Chapter 5 Out of sight, out of mind
Chapter 6 Silence can be a killer
Chapter 7 The Show Stopper
Chapter 8 Judgment day
Chapter 9 Lying to yourself is one thing, but lying to your parents is something else
Chapter 10 Kruger National Park
Chapter 11 Olivia Street, Garsfontein
Chapter 12 Close to death, far from dying
Chapter 13 Moving to Francesca “Playing House”
Chapter 14 Eyes wide shut
Chapter 15 Punching bag by day, Hustler by night
Chapter 16 The Dress
Chapter 17 Mickey
Chapter 18 You can call me anytime!
Chapter 19 Do I look like a dog?
Chapter 20 Too close for Comfort
Chapter 21 Present Day