We’re almost up to date with our story. Madeline, my human Mum, quit nursing a few years after Martin left the ATO; luckily they both have enough superannuation “to keep the wolf from the door”, for the time being at least. Martin intended to concentrate on his writing, but with his mental health issues it took a while for him to be productive.
But he wrote quite a few fan fiction stories, mostly inspired by Doctor Who, which appeared (under the pen name of “Mucus Membrane”) on the website fanfiction.net. And finally, on April 11th, 2018, he published his first short story on Amazon. It is called “The First Vampire”, and is based on the idea that the first vampire was a priest who rejected God, and started working for the forces of darkness.
His writing was also given an impetus when he came across Andrew Jobling, a former St. Kilda footballer who has since become an author and devoted himself to mentoring new writers.{14} Martin and I first began seriously working on this book with Andrew’s help and inspiration.
He has had to come to terms with his past life – with the deeply painful adoption trauma that he had denied even having for so many years. And he has accepted the strange twists and turns that his life has taken, and accepted that even the most painful events only made him stronger.
As I mentioned earlier, he has abandoned attempts to find his biological parents; there was very little information to go on anyway. He has however reconnected (via Facebook!) with some cousins and aunts that he had not seen since leaving Queensland in the 1980’s, which was, I think, very beneficial for him
As well as Andrew Jobling, another author who has had a big impact on my human is Gabrielle Bernstein, an American lady whose books include Miracles Now, Spirit Junkie, The Universe Has Your Back and others. She is also an extremely inspiring speaker. Although Ms Bernstein tends to avoid “religious” language (she prefers to talk about “the universe” rather than God, for instance), my human found her books remarkably beneficial. She deals with both the psychological and spiritual elements of our beings.{15}
“Gabby” focuses on the Divine as something good, which wants us to live fulfilled and happy lives….
MARTIN: Which fits in with something I have come to believe more and more strongly: that God is good and loving. This is, after all, the real, the central message of Christianity: “I am come that they might have life, and live it more abundantly” (John 10:10b). The Catholic Church, and any other religious body, fails when it does not reflect that love.
You know, I think that in my younger years, I was looking for something to change me - something I could DO (joining a religious order, going to a kibbutz, marrying a gorgeous blonde, being the best public servant ever) that would put paid to all my insecurities and feelings of worthlessness, and somehow “make me a man”, for want of a better expression. Now I know that real lasting change always has to come from within. No one else can change you — although there is, in fact “Someone” who can help you to change – a Higher Power that can help your growth, if you allow it to. But God, I firmly believe, respects our free will, and won’t do usually anything without our permission and cooperation. God gave us free will, and does expect us to use it. Oh, and while we’re talking about books…
MARTIN: Something my human is always willing to talk about!
MARTIN: There are a few other books I have found incredibly helpful on my journey. One is a book by Mortimer J. Adler called How to Think About God, which offers an argument for God’s existence that might not convince everyone but I find it pretty satisfying. To me it seems impossible that this universe, and everything in it, could have simply sprung out of nothing, and this book gives what, to me, definitely seems a rational basis for belief in a creator{16}.
The other and perhaps rather contrasting book is God Can’t, by Thomas Jay Oord. This book focuses on the “problem of evil” – why a good God would allow so many bad things in this world – a problem that has often concerned me in the past. This book emphasises that God’s power is actually limited in this world, by our own free will and by many other factors, so that a lot of what we blame God for is not in fact his fault. To a traditional Christian this book is a bit of a disconcerting read, but I think its arguments are very powerful. Obviously a God who decided at random that people had to die of cancer, in earthquakes, in drive-by shootings and so on – that god would be a moral monster. This book completely rejects that idea of God and suggests that far from being willed by God, such things are in fact outside his control.{17}
And on that point, my idea of God has definitely changed. I no longer see him (or her or it!) as stern and demanding, someone whose approval you had to earn, but as loving. That is the essence of Christianity, after all: that “God is love.”
FERDINAND: This basic but very simple realisation that God is good and loving has made a big impact on my human, and caused him to question many of his long-standing attitudes and beliefs. For instance, he admits he always has been more than a bit homophobic, and “transphobic” (although he didn’t even know that was a word until recently!).
Recently, however, he got to know a transgender person who is in the process of transitioning from male to female, and after he overcame his initial prejudice, he found he was able to develop a beautiful friendship with this person.
MARTIN: Indeed. I was (inevitably, as a Catholic) brought up to see gender as something fixed — one or the other, male or female, with fixed roles. In fact I often felt (and still sometimes feel) bad for not being a bigger, hairier, more macho male! But it was really enlightening for me to become friends with someone who just refused to fit into that paradigm, and to see that they were just a beautiful human being: that was the important thing.
In fact, I now believe that, if there is a God, there is a lot of evidence that he/she/it values diversity. The Creator made a universe with whirling stars and planets, a world with all sorts of wonderful creatures from polar bears to platypuses, and human beings with a tremendous variety amongst themselves. I think there are very good reasons for believing that God (if you want to use that name) appreciates diversity….
FERDINAND: But many religions seem to want to impose conformity: of thought, of worship, of morals…
MARTIN: Exactly! And I increasingly see that as a problem. I have no difficulty with calling myself a Christian – I really think Jesus Christ was a unique person and the only person really worth following. But I’ll admit that I have more and more problems with the Catholic Church as time goes on.
Christianity is, first and foremost, a religion of love – about loving God and loving one another. I don’t see how anyone can read the Gospels and not realize that. And so I now believe that, rather than having a set of rigid rules to follow or a set of prescribed answers to fit every occasion, being a Christian is about being a certain type of person, and trying to practice certain qualities.
I am coming more and more to believe that St Augustine’s famous dictum, “Love, and do what you will” says it all. If we love God and love one another we surely cannot go too far wrong. What the implications might be for people whose sexuality we don’t agree with, divorced people, women who have had abortions… well… it is not my place to tell the Pope and the bishops what to do! But I really believe the first thing must be love and seeing the beauty of each person as part of God’s creation.
And this change in my religious views has, I guess, been part of a larger change in attitude. I used to fear other human beings; now (on my good days at least!) I can love them. I used to see the world and the universe as hostile; now I see them as being full of the Creator’s love. Sharing my story in this book has been my small way of trying to share that love.
FERDINAND: Now, finally, I am going to let you in on a big secret. Teddy bears exist to help humans learn how to love. That is our place in the scheme of things. I must admit that during my time with Martin I have often thought he was a tough assignment!
MARTIN: Well, I….
FERDINAND: But, especially in the last few years, I have finally seen some real improvements: a change from a fearful, anxious person to a loving person. I think Martin’s story is a story of somebody overcoming great difficulties and severe psychological scars, and blossoming into a functional and even creative human being, with the help of God, his fellow human beings, and of course, one very good and faithful bear! He has moved from being someone who feared life to someone who is now able to embrace it: from fearing his fellow human to loving him or her.
One sad thing that has happened is that Martin’s beloved adoptive mother passed away on the 15th July 2019. She was 90 years old. Her health had been declining for a long time (she had osteoporosis and other problems), but her health rapidly deteriorated towards the end. The day of her funeral and burial was, I know, one of the hardest days of my human’s life.
Since then, Dad’s physical health has also declined a bit although mentally he is as sharp as ever. Martin visits him regularly and the two of them actually talk more now, I think – not that they ever really had trouble talking.
On the subject of health, Martin and Madeline have both started doing “strength training”. Martin of course complains about it regularly, but the effect on his physical and mental health ha been really positive; he is definitely less prone to stress now, which is a well-known side effect of doing more physical exercise.
Martin and Madeline are still together and still able to make each other laugh, which is a great thing.
I’ve already mentioned the way Martin is changing in terms of his beliefs. He remembers someone telling him that “Christianity is not a religion but a relationship”, and he feels deeply that this is true. He is probably moving more and more in the direction of what is usually called “progressive Christianity.” He feels that everyone – yes, everyone - is equal in the eyes of God.
And the fact that we are all different makes it all the more wonderful. As you would have realized from earlier chapters, Martin is a bit of a Star Trek fan (“Trekkie”) as well as a Doctor Who fan (“Whovian”). He now says that he loves the optimism of Gene Roddenberry’s vision of the future with humans and even aliens living together in unity. And he loves the slogan (apparently a Vulcan motto) of “Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations (IDIC)”. He now thinks that is actually an insight into the divine plan!
So…. do you have any concluding words, Martin?
MARTIN: Yes. I hope that sharing my story will be of some help to others – those who have struggled with similar issues such as adoption, choosing a vocation, or anxiety and depression. This world can be a bewildering place, but sharing stories and insights is, I believe, one way that we can definitely help each other.
I would like St Paul to have the last word: “And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love” (1 Cor. 13:13).