Chapter 1
Jeff Tries to Get a Government Driver’s License
I have to drive out to Randolph Air Force base to get some help with a web page I have to use to manage self-inspection checklists. And I will have to go out to Randolph AFB to get my fingerprints taken for my security clearance. I actually had to remove my wedding ring and my father's diamond ring to make the fingerprint people happy. As is usual in the gov, the office that does fingerprints is only open 8:00 AM to 10:30 AM and I can’t go until I get some sort of blessing from somebody on a piece of paper – you don’t just drop in!
It would be nice if I could drop in because I’ll be at Randolph AFB for my web page help. So instead of killing two birds with one stone, I get to kill lots of my gas making two trips out to Randolph. We gov employees are entitled to a thing called “local mileage”. They pay you 50 cents a mile for every mile you drive away from your own base (my own is Ft. Sam Houston).
Unfortunately the gov makes it nigh on impossible to collect local mileage. You have to go through this horribly difficult website called DTS – Defense Travel Service – it’s really hard to get local mileage. So I came up with a new plan. I’ll use a GSA (General Services Administration) car. Ft. Sam Houston rents lots of GSA vehicles for gov folk to drive around in. I have never driven a GSA vehicle and basically ate the cost of the gas driving everywhere for my job. I decided no more.
So I called up our Directorate of Logistics (DOL) (I still call every directory by their Army name because I can’t remember what the new Air Force names are for all the directories – naturally the Army and Air Force can’t call a spade a spade – Air Force says it’s a digging utensil and the Army calls it a shovel.
The DOL told me I needed a government driver’s license – naturally having a really good Texas driver’s license that lets me drive every vehicle in Texas except for GSA vehicles isn't good enough. So dumbly I asked “How do I get a government driver’s license?” DOL said I have to take the Army Accident Prevention Course on an Army website. DOL faxed me a sheet with the URL for the website.
So I went to the website. It was a secure website – one that has the “S” after the http. I tried to get in. The site immediately threw me a roadblock – I had to give the site my Army Knowledge Online (AKO) login and password. AKO is like a bad version of Facebook. I never use AKO and I always logged in to AKO using my Computer Access Card (CAC) by typing in a 6-digit pin number. Naturally the Army Learning Management School website where the accident prevention course lives wouldn’t accept a CAC-login; it wanted my old login and password.
I actually thought I had them because I had written down their dumb password (has to be at least 8 characters, one capital, one small letter, some numbers, some special characters, the kitchen sink – they make it really easy to remember your password – NOT!!) So I tried to login. I hadn’t written my login down, always used one of three logins so I thought no sweat. Well sweat! First try didn’t work, second login and password didn’t work and strike three called, the third login and password didn’t work.
I’m a glutton for punishment (if you’re are a masochist, working for the government is for you!) so I logged back in to AKO using my CAC card because the help person told me I could log in to the Army Learning Management site through AKO without using a password.
So once I got in, I searched AKO for the Accident Prevention Course and I got some hits. Yea, I thought I succeeded – wrong weedhopper! I went to one of the sites listed in AKO and found it was list of 16 soldiers from some unit that had passed the accident prevention course and they were so proud they posted their certificates of completion. I was tempted to print one of their certificates and try to put my name on it.
I searched some other postings on AKO and all the postings were by a unit or soldier and there was no way in hell I was going to get in to the Army Learning Management School site using AKO. I was “Learning” that Army Management” didn’t want to make it easy to get into their site.
I’m a masochist so I opted for more pain. I went to the password change web page on AKO and changed my password – that will get them! It got me, not them. After changing my password successfully I tried again to get in the Army Learning Management School website. I tried one login with the new password, strike one; I tried the second login with new password, strike 2, and then I tried the third login with the new password, strike 3 – game, set match to Army Learning Management School!!
Jeffee decided it would be easier to eat the gas costs than try to outwit the Army and actually use their website – what a pain!
So I go out to Randolph AFB tomorrow to get help with the website because the boss who assigned me the website gave me no help and I don’t have a clue on what to do.
The security clearance guy, Ed called me today because I forgot to sign one of the signature forms and of course the fingerprint guys at Randolph AFB can’t take my fingerprints unless every t is crossed and I dotted! So I gave Ed my cell phone number and told him to please call me at Randolph tomorrow if I can get my fingerprints done.
If he doesn’t call tomorrow morning then I have to make another trip out to Randolph on my gas with no reimbursement possible. And get this, I had to print a sheet of fingerprint instruction, alternately between black and flaming red to warn the fingerprintee of all the special rules that apply. Like don’t just drop in, like sign our clipboard after you enter and you must have all rings and jewelry removed. Like the graffiti I saw over 40 years again at the University of Arizona Newman Center (Catholic Student Center) – “Life is a poop sandwich and every day you take a bite”, well I got to eat the whole sandwich today, not just a bite!
Today the sandwich was half the S word and half roast beef. I went out to Randolph Air Force Base to complete my security questionnaire by giving them fingerprints. I'm getting ahead of myself; I'll come back to that.
I actually went out to Randolph early in the morning to meet with Jim who was going to help me with this spreadsheet and website that I'm supposed to populate with all the units at Fort Sam Houston, Randolph Air Force Base, and Lackland Air Force Base and then once all the units were listed on this website somehow or other I was supposed to figure out the self – inspection checklists that applied to those units, post those checklist to the website so that all of the units out there could go to the website and see which checklist applied to them and then they would fill out the checklist and let us know whether they comply or didn't comply to the question in the checklist.
So early in the morning as I told Jim I'd meet him around 7:30 or so I drive to Randolph Air Force Base from my house. Jim gave me very good directions. He wrote the directions and he actually included an aerial photo of the area near his building. So far so good.
So I proceeded down 1604, the highway that runs east to Randolph Air Force Base. I got off at Pat Booker Road and then headed towards Randolph Air Force Base. Pat Booker Road was directly in front of the main gate of Randolph Air Force Base. But of course I wasn't supposed to go to the main gate, I was supposed to go to the south gate. Of course I am a real novice around Randolph Air Force Base because I hardly ever go to it so I really don't know my way around Randolph Air Force Base. Later on when I got a map, I could see that learning to drive on Randolph Air Force Base would be a lot harder than learning to drive at Fort Sam Houston because Randolph Air Force Base basically consists of a bunch little circles everywhere. There's hardly any which would call main roads like I have at Fort Sam Houston so it's harder to learn.
So if it's harder to learn, it's a lot harder to find any building you are trying to find. So like I said I came to the main gate at Randolph Air Force Base and I know I'm supposed to go to the south gate so I turned right on this road that parallels Randolph Air Force Base and drove south. I drove south about a quarter of a mile and came to what I thought was the south gate. I drive into the "South" gate and I'm driving down the road and of course I'm very observant and I read my instructions from Jim and he said after I went into Randolph Air Force Base I would be on Golf road and then follow the directions from there.
So I'm driving down this road and of course I'm looking around. I'm glancing at instructions quickly and trying to figure out where to turn next when I noticed that the road I'm on is not Golf road but it's some road called 3rd Road West. I immediately know I'm in trouble; I did something wrong but I at this point I don't even know what it is.
After I driven on this road maybe about a mile I noticed the security police station. I figured if anybody knows their way around the base it should be the security police so I stopped in there and asked for directions. They were very nice and told me to turn on this road turn, on that road and so I went back to my car and tried to follow their directions. Once again I got hopelessly lost and I'm driving around looking at this picture, looking at the streets I'm supposed to be close to – one of them was Southwest Thruway and I think another one was First Street so I'm looking for either one of the streets hoping I just get lucky and stumble on the building am trying to find.
While I'm driving and driving around for like half an hour and finally I actually get on Golf road that I was the one I was supposed to be on in the first place. And when I got The Golf road, Jim said don't turn right because that will take you to the golf course, turn left so I'm driving on and on and naturally the first thing I come to is I'm smack dab right in the middle of the golf course so I know I made a wrong turn somewhere.
So I keep driving and driving and finally I drive past a sign that says Relocation Assistance Center. The first time I drove past about a block him and I said we don't be stupid, if anybody probably knows their way around the post that can help you it would be the Relocation Assistance Center.
So I parked my car in their parking lot and go to the front door and it's locked but I guess I making some noise caused this very nice lady to open the door although it was early and she was super nice to help me. She came up with a great idea I didn't even think of. She said why don't we call Jim and have him drive over here and then you can follow him to his building. I love that lady what a bright thinker! I always get so emotional (that darn and Asperger's Syndrome you know). I don't think straight in these situations. Of course that was the obvious thing to do.
So she called Jim and he answers the phone and very nicely says he'll drive over and find me and I can follow them back. So Jim arrives in his truck about 5 minutes later. I follow him back to his office which was like 2 minutes away from where I was. I was very close but I didn't know it.
So I go in and talk with Jim and he gives me a lot of help on my unit spreadsheet for self inspection checklists. He whips around the computer because he's a information technology person so his job is to work big time with computers for the whole base, the servers to the databases, so he knows stuff I could only dream of knowing and he was very, very helpful.
So I got done with Jim and then I remember I talked with Ed yesterday and had said don't go to the fingerprint center at Randolph Air Force Base unless I tell you it's okay because I just can't drop in and get my fingerprints taken. So after I get done with Jim I get back to my car around 9:30 and I note the fingerprint place stays opened till 10:30 and I give Ed a call. I get very lucky and Ed answers the phone and tells me yes Jeffee you can go over right now and get your fingerprints done.
And now I have a map of the base so I look at where I am after I get done with Jim and I can easily figure out that the building I need to go to for the fingerprints was right next to the security police building I stopped that about an hour earlier trying to get directions. So I get back to my car. I know exactly what road to take and I get right there in the building. It Jumps out and bites me so that worked out really well.
But again read the title of my book and you'll see strange things happened to me that just don't seem to happen other people. You would think taking somebody's fingerprints would be a routine operation that would take like 5 minutes to go in there and give them my fingerprints. Aell if you thought that, you'd be mistaken because getting my fingerprints was a real adventure that took somewhere between half an hour and 45 minutes but who's counting.
This is high-tech fingerprinting; not-your-old roll your fingers in the ink like when you get arrested. Instead of a piece of paper to put your fingerprints on ; you put your hand on this little glass thing and immediately your fingerprints show up on this computer screen and then the fingerprint machine grades your fingerprint. The very nice lady had a good sense of humor because I was very sarcastic with her but she laughed and enjoyed it. She said that you had to get a passing score of 60 from the fingerprint machine before your fingerprint was considered taken.
She very nicely took my right hand and placed it on the little piece of glass lighting up my fingers the way the machine likes it and so I thought okay, the machine will take my fingerprints the first time. I was wrong. Before we got done 30 or 45 minutes later she had placed my hand on that machine about 100 times and the machine kept rejecting my fingerprints for whatever reason.
The nice lady told me don't be so tense because the machine gives you a low score if you're tense and not calm and relaxed. I'm thinking of myself why this is a psychic fingerprint machine that reads your moods and it won't accept your fingerprint if you're tense now and you are standing in an awkward position. It's hard for your arm to be relaxed in an awkward position so I'm trying to think good thoughts – Ommmm, practice yoga or whatever it takes to get the fingerprints taken. I wanted to get done because I did have a luncheon date at 11:30 and didn't want to spend hours try to give her my fingerprints. The lady was very patient; I tried to be patient we kept going on and on and on and finally she said after like 45 minutes that she had nine good fingerprints and the only one that wasn't good was one of my pinkies. She said okay l and I will just put a note down here that we had trouble getting your pinky fingerprint – believe it or not. You see this couldn't be fiction because nobody could make a fiction as good as the truth.
So finally I get done at the fingerprint place. I was so happy because now I wouldn't have to make a second trip to Randolph eating the cost of my own gas since like I explained earlier it is absolutely impossible to get paid local mileage the way the system is set up and it just wasn't worth the hassle so I was very happy to be done with that.
And now I'm back on the road that I came in the first time and now I know I'm heading towards the west gate which is the gate I wanted to leave the base so I can go back to Fort Sam Houston and then as I'm driving down the road what do I see but the PX Complex which has the Starbucks where my wife happened to be working that morning.
So I decided I earned a little bit of a break. So I parked in the PX parking lot and headed in to the Starbucks to get a cup of coffee served by my wife. Things just go differently for me than for normal people. As I'm walking in to the PX area I see about five or six police cars and a fire truck right out front of the entrance to the PX. I'm thinking what the heck; is there like a fire or some alarm went off it? Am I even able to get into the PX and see my wife?
I pushed the door open to let me into the food court area that’s inside Mall area. I was able to push the door open and as soon as I walk in the door I looked to my right and here's a lady sitting on the floor with her hands behind her and I'm thinking she must be handcuffed and there is a policeman directly behind her kind of holding her arms behind her. There are like five or six other police standing around and talking the woman who was just sitting there to completely calm and quiet and I have no idea what the hell is going on.
So I just walked past her sitting on the floor and nobody stopped me. I figure maybe she was shoplifting; she obviously did something that drew her to the attention of the police at Randolph Air Force Base so she was not going to be where she wanted to be in a few minutes. She was probably going to jail or something.
So I walked into the Starbucks and there's my wife very surprised that I showed up around I think quarter after 10 or something like that and I ordered the coffee my wife recommended. And they had a little sample cup of something with coconut whipped cream on top. It was cold and very good so I took one of those so finally my day at Randolph had come to an end and I had a nice cuppa coffee before I headed back to Fort Sam Houston.
Of course my hassles weren't over yet. I'm driving back to Fort Sam Houston on Interstate 35 driving south The first exit you could take that would get you into Fort Sam Houston is called Binz Engleman, it is right near the Brooks Army Medical Hospital. Of course I'm too dumb to take that exit and I continued driving on Interstate 35 to Walters exit which is maybe 2 miles away a little closer to my office. Going to the Walters exit was a big mistake. I get on Walters Road outside Fort Sam Houston and is a huge line maybe half a mile long that is not moving at all and I have no idea why. I sat in a line for like 20 or 30 minutes. Some people got so tired of it they just made a U-turn and tried to find another gate. After waiting there 30 minutes, I was just about ready to make the U-turn myself and the line started moving.
Later I found out they had a detour just past the gate because they were doing construction work trying to widen the entrance at my boss because Fort Sam Houston has a lot more people after we had all these new buildings because we added a bunch of medical facilities and other buildings for functions that other bases lost and Fort Sam Houston gained. So after I got in the gate my life went back to its normal self. Or so I thought.
And then it another typical example of the title of my book. I put up with lots of construction noise for over a month. The noise was very loud and was an orchestra composed of jackhammers, drills, hammers, and who knows what. I actually got in trouble because I let my temper get the best of me one day after I've been listening to this noise for hours I walked outside.
Who do I happen to run into but the foreman of the construction crew. I told him what I thought of all the noise and how the noise is making me and other people on the first floor sick and why couldn't they do the jackhammering after four o'clock or on weekends? With my typical luck, the foreman immediately ratted me to the boss of my building. Then my boss told me that Jeffee is not authorized to talk to the foreman about the noise so I'm just like the mushroom; supposed to sit there and listen to the noise forever because I have no rights.
So I'm sitting at my desk working in the afternoon when I see this e-mail message. This message is from somebody important in our Building 143. The e-mail lets everybody leave at 2:00 PM in building 143. Because of the construction in the basement, they have to shut off the electricity and water tomorrow Friday at two o'clock and everybody gets to go home early on administrative leave because of the shutdown of the electricity and water.
Naturally tomorrow, Friday is my day off. Elsewhere in volume 1 or volume 2 of my bio, I tell you about the extra hour I worked because of daylight savings at the casino and then I got fired just before I would've worked one hour less when the daylight savings change came six months later. I thought again I'm getting the same raw end of the deal.
So I kidded my boss my boss and said to my boss can I take my two hours of administrative leave next Friday when I'm going to be working? Believe it or not my luck actually changed because a little while later my boss walked into my office and said hey Jeff you can leave at two o'clock instead of your normal three o'clock to make up for not getting any of the admin leave tomorrow on Friday. My boss is a really great guy and I really appreciated that.
About 10 minutes before two o'clock I still wasn't done with the fingerprint process because after the lady finally, patiently got my fingerprints; she initialed the piece of paper I had brought her. She told me to bring back the initialed piece of paper and give it back to Ed in the trailers when I got back to Fort Sam Houston. So I drove over to the trailers, parked in the new parking lot that was just built and headed for Ed's desk. And he wasn't there so I just left it on his desk and got to come home early. It was nice driving on Highway 281 early because there wasn't much traffic I was a pretty pleasant ride so my day ended on a high note.