SUMMARY
I left the safe haven of academia at the age of twenty-one, but returned a year later after bagging a studentship and studying for a Master’s degree. Now, at the age of 23, I am back in the big wide world.
In retrospect, I had developed a false sense of importance by the time I completed my MBA. I excelled with my studies effortlessly while arranging all the social events at my postgraduate hall of residence.
The life fractal covered by this chapter began in July 1983 and extended to February 1985 – less than two years in duration. I felt completely lost and confused during this period, but I learnt how to sell, and these skills helped me survive later.
I also felt very angry, particularly towards my parents, without really understanding why. Intuitively, I felt betrayed by my family. It seemed as though they felt that by sending me to boarding school, their child-rearing burden was over. Now I was on my own.
My first job after completing my Master’s degree was with Pitney Bowes International, working as a direct sales representative. I had been heavily influenced by my friend Stuart, who worked as a salesman with IBM. I figured that training as a salesperson would equip me with essential skills that would enable me to be an independent businessman. I wanted to own my business, just like Richard Branson, CEO of the Virgin group of companies.
I was like a fish out of water … or a professor selling noodles in an East End market. My coworkers were sharp and highly savvy cockney business people. They knew every trick in every book; and I listened to their stories in awe. Nothing I did corresponded with my academic studies; and I had no transition between the classroom chalk and the cheesy game playing associated with commerce.
I worked with Pitney Bowes at their Elephant & Castle office in South London for just five months. I cold-called businesses in South London trying to sell franking machines and other office equipment.
During this time I was sharing a three-bedroom apartment in Camberwell, South London, with two other guys, Geraint and Paul. Geraint worked in a photography shop when he wasn’t smoking joints to the tune of New Order’s ‘Confusion.’ Paul was probably as lost or more lost that I was. He worked as a financial services consultant for several weeks before signing on the dole. However, he also taught history to a Japanese pupil but spent most of his time in bed with his pupil’s mother.
After resigning from Pitney Bowes, Paul and I did several casual jobs such as washing dishes at the Maudsley Psych Hospital and conducting market research studies about crime in some of the worst housing estates in South London. One day, while I was interviewing tenants in a council block, my car was broken into and my stereo system was stolen.
Next I worked as a commission-only salesman with a nefarious steam-cleaning company called Homegenie. My bosses were charming East enders, Dennis and John. Dennis was in charge of sales and marketing while John was responsible for the administration and legal contracts.
Homegenie provided carpet and upholstery cleaning services. The sales and marketing system was effective. Dennis would employ young rascals on a casual basis to collect names, addresses and phone numbers of anyone who would agree to receiving a ‘no-obligation quotation’. These guys would bang on the doors of council tenants and would not leave without a ‘confirmed lead’. The freelance salesmen, including myself, were responsible for converting these leads into business. We would convert approximately 60-65% of these leads and walk away with deposits of at least 25% of order value.
I enjoyed working with Homegenie and I worked there until October 1984. After a while my motivation plummeted as the sales leads deteriorated in quality and I felt bored too. One day I asked Dennis whether he would use the Homegenie service for his own home and he replied, ‘Well, I don’t know about that!’ After I left Homegenie, Dennis phoned me up on a couple of occasions, asking me to return to the fold but I declined his offer. At least I had proved to myself that I can sell!
In a state of confusion, I was wondering what I should do with my life. The two things I wanted to do most – travel and owning my business - required money that I did not have. I considered training for a profession so I would always have something ‘to fall back on’ as my father puts it. I could not afford to train as a solicitor so I decided to train as a Chartered Accountant. Little did I know what lay ahead of me!
In the real world, nothing made any sense to me. Why do so many jobs not pay a living wage? Why am I unable to get ahead when I can perform the tasks well? What exactly are the criteria for getting ahead in the real world? It began to dawn on me that academic credentials were merely ‘gate openers’ and I had yet to fathom what it takes to sustain employment … and better still, get ahead of the game.
I was pleased that I had learnt how to sell and that I had succeeded as a salesman with Homegenie. However, I felt a deep sense of having ‘let the family down’ and not meeting their expectations. I felt as though my parents didn’t want me around them any more … until I was offered an employment contract with the top firm of Chartered Accountants Price Waterhouse (PwC).
My father promised me that if I became a Chartered Accountant he would invest in my own business. This helped me to make up my mind because deep down inside I knew that my Richard Branson would probably never work as a Chartered Accountant!
THE CONCEPT OF WORK
I could not understand why my life as a university student was so smooth, yet I could not sustain employment in the ‘real world’. Of course, there are few rules at university, allowing much greater freedom. As a student, I felt that I could be myself and express myself authentically. In the commercial world of employment, I felt very uncomfortable, and trapped in myself, as though I was being judged as an actor.
I noticed that my colleagues at work would withhold information from me and play mind games. There would be an invisible ‘office consensus’ and anyone who crossed the line would be ostracized or otherwise rebuked. I was also very confused when people say something and then do something completely different. For example, when I worked as a salesman, whenever I asked potential buyers whether they were interested in my product they would reply, ‘Yes! I will call you next week.’ However, few remembered to reply so I was forever following up these amnesiacs!
One question that I often dwelt upon is, ‘what is real work?’ Surely real work should deliver genuine value to society. However, real work is defined by society as any actions that benefit the economy but I am painfully aware that the most important jobs in society are unpaid. Surely, parenting and caring for a newborn baby is critically important for the future of the world, yet it is unpaid work. Also, personal development and spirituality hardly enter into the economy. Yet products that divide humanity and cause suffering– from cigarettes, drugs, weapons and so forth - are highly valued by the economy.
For success in a competitive organisation, it’s essential to have your values aligned with the corporate vision and culture; otherwise, work can extremely stressful and it may feel like prostitution. Actually, only competitive-minded people are suited for working in corporations.
My experience of full-time employment is that there is rarely enough time available to recover and live my own life. Maybe I am too sensitive (or not tough enough) but it doesn’t feel right to subject myself to modern age slavery. I need to create something unique with my name attached to it, instead of working robotically behind the logo of a faceless corporation.
Since money is a means to an end (ie survival), it follows that having a day-job should only be necessary to finance legacy projects. Making a day-job the end in itself seems sad unless you are willing to sacrifice the majority of your waking hours primarily for the benefit of loved ones.
I am also becoming aware that there are relatively few people who think like me … so perhaps I should consider that there is something ‘different’ about me … but I am not ready to consider this yet.
HOW TO SELL ICE TO THE ESKIMOS (THE SALES SYSTEM)
Let’s return to the real world of commercial selling and give philosophy a break for now. I want to share with you more of what I learnt when I worked as a salesman with Pitney Bowes and Homegenie.
Some of the tricks I learnt at Pitney Powes are hilarious. A salesman called Stephen Levi bragged that he clinched one of his sales deals by asking the company’s security guard to sign the lease contract ‘as evidence that he had visited the office!’ Another salesman had multiple affairs with office manageresses who purchased several franking machines for their respective offices. These tricks amazed me because I was so innocent. The cultural byline was, ‘ethics doesn’t pay the bills!’
I noticed that each salesman had his unique style. For instance, Brett was wiry and aggressive. Brett would intimidate his prospects into signing purchase contracts. He would hover over them and blast them, ‘just sign here!’
The top salesman at Pitney Bowes was a really nice simple and humble guy who everyone liked. He worked exceptionally hard. He didn’t have any ‘airs or graces’ and he was never cocky with his success. Respect!
Here is a summary of the sales system which is infallible:
1. Identify a marketing opportunity
2. Arrange an appointment with the decision maker who has authority to purchase the product
3. Establish rapport with the decision maker (and ideally make him or her laugh)
4. Sell the company ‘s credentials
5. Present the product and its features
6. Sell the product’s benefits
7. Welcome any sales objections
8. Overcome the buyer’s objections and focus on the benefits
9. Close the sale and obtain commitment
10. Close the meeting shortly afterwards
Sell Benefits, not Features. A feature is a technical characteristic, such as height, weight, colour or speed. People do not buy products for their features, but for their benefits. When selling, it is essential to translate the product’s features into benefits.
For example, a notebook computer may be slim. ‘So, what?’ the prospective customer may say. This means that this notebook will benefit users by being light and easy to carry anywhere. Therefore, it would be useful to know whether the prospect likes to work with computers while traveling.
We have two ears and one mouth, and we should use these organs in the same ratio 2:1. When we use our ears effectively, we will identify and log ‘Buying Signals’, which are expressions of interest in the product. ‘Do you have the notebook in blue?’ is a buying signal.
Always welcome objections! An objection is a reason for not buying the product. For example, ‘I don’t have enough cash at the moment.’ The salesman’s job is to log every objection (by listening carefully to the prospect) and then overcoming the objections. He may respond, ‘So, would you like one month’s credit or would you prefer to pay with finance over two years?’
Close the sale when you have overcome all of the customer’s objections, when the customer has no reason for not buying the product. There are several types of Closes, including:
The Alternative Close gives the prospective customer a choice of how to purchase the product. Examples of alternative closes are:
- ‘Would you like the notebook in blue or black?’
- ‘Would you like to buy the notebook with cash or finance?’
When the customer answers with one of the options, they have committed themselves to buying the product.
The Wellington Close is a heavyweight closing tool, which works like this, “If I can overcome [your specified objections] will you buy the product now?” For example, ‘If I can provide the product in blue and arrange finance for you, will you purchase the product now?’
Here are some additional tips about selling that I learnt along the way:
- Keep a large amount of money in your pocket when you are pitching an important prospective customer. This can help psychologically to boost your confidence.
- Bag an easy sale immediately before tackling a challenging sales presentation. This gesture simply gets you in the mood for winning business.
- I learnt the importance of keeping my mouth shut, especially when closing a sale. For example, ‘Would you like to buy the product in green or blue?’ After asking this question, shut up until after the prospective buyer replies. Don’t spoil your chances by interjecting, ‘or would you like to ponder your decision over a cup of tea!’
- Try to appeal to peoples’ base desires of sex and vanity. For example, “Your clients will think you’re from a proper company if you don’t have to lick postage stamps!’ or “Your company is hardly going to make the Fortune 500 while you are still licking postage stamps!’
- Mimic the prospective buyer in every way. Share his or her interests; adopt the same accent; wear a similar style of clothing (but always slightly smarter); and tap into their deepest desires.
- You know you will make a sale when your prospect reflects your body language and keeps relying ‘Yes!’ Don’t give them an opportunity to say, ‘No’. If necessary, begin with a control question (that you know the answer to). ‘So, you are responsible for purchasing all the office equipment in this division, Fred?’ ‘Yes!’
- In my opinion the most stupid and annoying question asked by many sales people is, ‘How much do you want to spend?’ I usually reply that I don’t want to spend anything; then the salesman doesn’t know what to say next. So, I help them out a little, “Okay, I will exchange it with 20Kg of fresh organic homegrown potatoes!”
- After completing the sale, LEAVE ASAP! If you hang around afterwards, they may change their mind.
- Always double-check that your prospective buyer has the authority to make the purchase. Nothing is worse than completing a one-hour presentation, then closing and hearing the words, “I will ask my boss next week when s/he is back from holiday!”
- Use impeccable demonstration equipment. I learnt this lesson the hard way. I demonstrated an old franking machine to a barrister in his chambers. I wanted to show him how simple and effective our machine is to use. I placed an envelope into the franking machine and smoke began rising from the equipment while it made a loud jarring noise. The machine ripped up the envelope into sheds. The barrister looked extremely embarrassed.
Armed with the above powerful techniques it is possible to get anything you want. In fact, it can even be applied to job-hunting and dating, but the only problem concerns discernment – its very easy to lure inappropriate jobs or relationship partners. I bet Richard Branson uses this system for selling.
I noticed that during my presentations, people would often complete my sentences for me. I suppose this is because I talk slower than many people do. However, I had complete confidence in this system of sales techniques, which are extremely powerful magic tricks – but my main limitation was confidence in the product … and in myself.
I AM WITHNAIL IN CAMBERWELL
Meanwhile I am living in a disgusting three-bedroom basement flat in South London’s Camberwell. Our landlord was a Polish geek who had an exceptionally attractive Polish spouse. We would do our utmost to snatch time in the company of our landlord’s gorgeous wife.
Let’s set the scene. Typically, a pile of dirty dishes filled the kitchen sink. This subterranean hellhole was always dirty. When a property is sufficiently degraded, no amount of cleaning could ever make the place appear clean. The carpets were as worn as they were ripped.
The film, Withnail and I, starring Richard E Grant covers a similar scenario. The main difference is that our flat was underground and therefore darker. Also, there were three lost and confused guys in our flat rather than two.
Geraint would play his music extremely loudly while he would be lost in a haze of cannabis smoke. Three songs that caught my attention were Transmission by Joy Division, Confusion by New Order, and Cake by the B52’s.
You're hiding from feelings, searching for more
Sharing and hoping, untouched for so long
Our lives still change from the way that we were
And now I'll tell you something I think you should know
- ‘Confusion’ by New Order
Paul became extremely bitchy after he quitted his financial services job. Geraint was steadfastly underachieving as a sales assistant in a photography shop. Perhaps this is a typical career path for university graduates of photography? Meanwhile I was blundering from job to job, not knowing what was happening to me or where I was going. Would Richard Branson ever find himself in a dismal situation like this?
I learnt that when I am in dire straights, I don’t want to be cooped up with others who are equally confused, angry, bitter and resentful. When I am in a sad place, I want to experience it on my own. I don’t want the negativity reflected back on me by two other people who are equally lost. I want solitude!
I find it interesting that my experiences took me to the Maudsley (psychiatric) Hospital where Paul and I washed dishes. I really experienced the underbelly of society, especially while interviewing council tenants for national crime surveys.
PSYCHOMETRIC TESTS
In 1984, I consulted a small firm of occupational consultants. My advisor asked me to complete several psychometric tests so I sat the tests and awaited the results. I thought that perhaps they would provide me with some clues as to why I couldn’t get ahead in the real world like most other people.
My consultant shocked me with his report. He told me that I was extremely anxious and under severe stress. He said that my stress levels were so high that I was on the borderline of requiring psychiatric treatment – perhaps at the Maudsley Hospital! He asked me if I had experienced a terrible trauma recently and I told him that I didn’t think so. However, deep down I felt terrible sadness that my parents had rejected me and I didn’t fully understand why.
I had no idea what I should do with the information provided to me by the firm of occupational consultants. I did not trust the medical profession or psychiatry – and my parents would not discuss such matters – so I resolved to learn as much about psychology as possible. Alas, I solved the problem by subscribing to Psychology Today magazine!
WEARING MASKS (ACCORDING TO A FORTUNE-TELLER)
My bewilderment triggered my interest in fortune-telling and psychic consultations. It seems logical to me that if the real world makes no sense, perhaps Gypsy Rose Lee would provide some perceptive guidance from the ‘other side’ of the universe. Well, what could I lose apart from a small fee?
I met Gypsy Rose Lee in her tiny apartment in Queensway, West London. She was probably 70-years old. Her hoarse voice confirmed that she was a chain-smoker. I found her flat quite exciting: the smell of tobacco and incense, the angelic effigies, the crystals and esoteric images adorning the walls. These details added to the exciting feeling of mystery.
Gypsy Rose Lee asked me to shuffle her Tarot card deck before she laid the cards in a special order on the table. ‘Gosh!’ she said, “You are going to be extremely successful! … but you have lots of research to do, so you will be successful much later in life.”
It was good to hear that eventually I would find a way out of my current ‘nightmare’ existence, but I was disappointed to hear that I would have to wait so long. I asked her what I needed to research, but she didn’t have an answer to this question.
Gypsy Rose Lee also told me that I was guilty of ‘wearing masks’ but I didn’t really understand what she was talking about. Was I pretending to be someone I was not?
I thought a lot about her comment about ‘wearing masks’. I was aware that I pretended to be successful and from a happy family when I was in the company of attractive women. Here is a simple dating system: act as though you are happy, successful and from a united happy family! The trouble is that relationships do not last long when misrepresentation – or outright lies - becomes apparent.
Thinking further about ‘wearing masks,’ I do pretend to be tougher than I really am. I do so to keep bullies at bay and this strategy is very effective. So, perhaps Gypsy Rose Lee had made some valid points. I sensed that her remark about wearing masks was deeply significant, though I didn’t understand fully why.
I consulted another psychic fortune-teller called Betty. She also said that I would become extremely successful much later in my life. Apparently, I had a lot of work to do in the meantime but she would not tell me what it was I needed to do! She also commented that I would be unlucky in my relationships with women.
REFLECTIONS ON MY EDUCATION
I could not understand why I had spent 23 years successfully educating myself, yet it had not prepared me for the big wide world. I successfully passed all of my exams with distinction and bagged an MBA at the University of London to boot, yet I felt paralysed in the real world of employment. Why is that?
My father constantly complained about all the money he had spent sending me to the toughest boardings school in England since the age of eleven. When I reminded him that I wanted to go to a day school, he would get furious.
I was aware that university tolerated individuals whereas many employers want homogeneous competitive ‘team players’. To me, a so-called ‘team player’ is a person who is malleable and who is willing to be molded into putty by his or her boss. I began to think that I was simply too intelligent for most people.
On several occasions I reconvened with my schoolmates, Tony, John Marsden and John Moxon. Each time I met John Moxon, he would tell me about Alumni peers who had committed suicide. The boys who committed suicide were usually sensitive souls who were unable to live up to their parents’ expectations.
My father told me that with a public school education, I was fully equipped to be successful in the real world. So, why couldn’t I get ahead in my chosen career? I knew I needed my own business or project because I didn’t fit into standard workplaces.
How can I apply my education to something useful for society that allows me an independent lifestyle? I don’t have an answer to this question yet.
SOCIALISM VS FREEMARKET DARWINISM
I wonder whether my feeling of familial exclusion has anything to do with my father possibly thinking that I am a socialist. I know that my dad loathes ‘bloody socialism’ and he has the utmost regard for medical doctors. But how would he arrive at the conclusion that I am a socialist?
I believe in free market opportunism and libertarianism as George Orwell did. However, I also believe that everyone on the planet has a right to land and a roof over their heads. Perhaps I am a conservative libertarian or a socialist capitalist. However, whatever I am must contain an element of capitalism because entrepreneur Richard Branson is my hero.
I need to address the fact that I have failed my father – or my father has failed me. Whatever way around, I am deeply disappointed to be part of a fragmented family. It’s ridiculous that there is so much fighting inside the family. In the normal family, fighting is with outside parties only.
I did everything I could to excel academically and I succeeded; but without meaningful support or guidance, I feel lost in the ‘real world’. I know I disappointed my dad by not staying an extra term at Sedbergh School to take the Cambridge University entrance examination to study medicine, but it is my life and I don’t want to study medicine.
I have been open-minded and I have friends that my dad would call ‘proles,’ but does that mean that I am a socialist? I believe that everyone has something to offer if they are given a chance. We are all taking the same evolutionary journey, the only difference is that we are at different stages of the journey.
Perhaps Dad thinks that I ‘should be on my own’ because I didn’t study medicine at Cambridge University? This means that his love is conditional upon me doing what he wants me to do. The women in the family don’t face this issue because in the Victorian belief system, women exist only to care for their husbands (and their obedient children).
As a follower of Winston Churchill and Margaret Thatcher, my dad believes in entitlement for those who are superior. However, he does not believe in any form of support or entitlement for ordinary people, coloured people, gay people, working class people and especially ‘bloody socialists’. Dad followed his father’s orders always without questioning them and now he regrets it. He hates the job that his father ‘forced him into’, and now he resents me for not following his orders. The problem is that I cannot do things against my will and whatever I do must be meaningful. But my poor dad refuses to answer my ‘stupid questions’ so communication is impossible.
Unfettered free market Darwinism can be dangerous. Taken to the extreme, people can trade body organs of young healthy children who live in slums. There may be no restriction upon the damage caused to the environment by commercial factories. At the other end of the spectrum is communism, which squanders talent and is susceptible to corruption.
The Victorian system of entitlement goes hand-in-glove with Darwin’s theory of ‘survival of the fittest’. The rules of entitlement follow:
1. Where there is wealth there is entitlement and exclusion.
2. The coat of arms and motto are the foundations of the familial contract.
3. The family patriarch is charged with the responsibility of communicating the family’s rules, obligations, and duties to each member of the family so they are aware of the risks and rewards of inclusion.
4. Entitled families should be aware of their ancestry, genetic disposition, their strengths and weaknesses, specialisations, and overall familial mission.
5. In patriarchic families, the women have no responsibility other than to devote themselves to their husbands through obedience, so they are not permitted to follow their own passions or express their individuality.
6. The patriarch protects every family member that complies with the family directive.
7. The patriarch should excommunicate and exclude any member of the entitled family who lessens the family name.
8. Entitled families that are democratic should vote upon every family issue of significance.
9. Family members who enhance the family name should be recognised and rewarded accordingly
My dad’s beliefs are strongly aligned with Victorian and ancient Chinese principles together with those of Margaret Thatcher, Winston Churchill, Charles Darwin and Enoch Powell. So, I was born into a conservative family that believes in its superiority and entitlement to those who conform with my father’s directives.
MUM’S RIDDLE: ‘WHY ARE THE WYLIE MEN ALWAYS F