My life fell apart at that very moment when Chris left me. I could do nothing but cry and get high and cry some more. I remember being at work and typing and crying. I was out of control. No matter how drunk or high I got, I would still cry. I believe I crossed the line of no return. My drugs and alcohol were no longer working to numb my pain. I was truly a basket case. I felt that I could have very easily ended my life.
I decided to go to the therapist that Chris had formerly went to. Supposedly, she told him he was better and that he didn’t need her help anymore. I knew that was a lie, but I wanted to find out why he stopped seeing her. One day she told me that if I didn’t go to a cocaine anonymous meeting and get sober then she would not talk to my drugs and alcohol anymore. I was crushed - she was all I had left. She was my only hope for life. At least that was what I thought. I told her that I would stop on my own. I didn’t need any program to stop doing drugs and drinking. I just needed to stop drinking on my own and that way I wouldn’t crave cocaine any longer. I only craved it after having a couple of drinks, so I made a commitment never to drink again. That commitment did not last, however. Then the one night, more than anything, I did not want to drink, but I did. As a matter of fact, there were two guys at my new apartment and we were all getting high on cocaine. One of the guys left and the other one was conveniently left alone with me. I knew I didn’t want to have sex with him, but he was supplying my habit, so I guess I felt obligated. We went into my room and began having sex. We were both so wired on cocaine that he almost died. His heart started palpitating and all I could think of is how I didn’t want to do that anymore.
At that very moment I had an outer-body experience. I think I was dying emotionally, and God wanted me to see myself and where I had ended up. I floated to the ceiling and, looking down at myself, I could see this guy I didn’t even know, laying on top of me having sex with me. I was sick and I wanted him off of me, and I just wanted my life to be over. I had nothing but sheer hatred for myself. Seeing the view from above my body was so very real. The next day I just wanted to sleep forever and never wake again. I was absolutely miserable. Everything I always wanted or everything I could have been was gone. I was nothing and I wanted to die, but I didn’t have the guts to do it. The only thing that saved me was my therapist. Actually it was God, but at the time I thought it was my therapist.
That next night I finally woke up from the escapade of the night before. I was sitting in my apartment alone, and was watching tv. All of a sudden I saw a commercial of a rat in a cage and on one side of the cage was food, and on the other was cocaine. The rat kept eating the cocaine, not even touching its food and running around in circles in its cage. Then all of a sudden this rat died right there in front of me. I was terrified. I knew that was me in that cage, and if I kept doing what I was doing, I was going to end up just like that rat — DEAD. It scared me enough, together with my therapist threatening to discontinue our relationship, that I called a friend who was an eating disorder therapist. I also had a compulsive overeating disorder. She and I would go out partying, snorting cocaine and drinking. But because she was a therapist, I thought maybe she could help me. She gave me a number, and I called Cocaine Anonymous.