This started a whole new chapter in my life when my sister and I drove up and I saw James —who I hadn’t seen in several years. I just got out of the car and gave him a big hug. I really didn’t even realize what I was doing. Remember I was heart broken and pretty much hating men at the time. But for some reason I gave this man a hug that I didn’t even know was in me. James and I quickly got re-acquainted during that vacation. I actually drove home from the beach with him, and boy did I give him an ear full! All I did for the entire three hours was re-live my relationship with my very recent ex who had used and abused me. I yelled and complained and moaned about this guy for three hours straight. When I think about it now, it was one of the healthiest things I had ever done as far as expressing my pain. It had only been six or seven days since the break up, and I had real, raw pain instead of suppressed pain. So that three-hour ride was a real cleansing time for me. And James, who I was driving with, was so attentive to my pain. I really felt like he listened, and I really felt safe and cared for. He unconditionally understood my pain and that was the first time I ever felt safe to share my real feelings. I was not a superficial doormat anymore. I was a woman with real feelings, and he respected that in me and shared some of his own pains in life. It was truly an intimate moment, without sex. I didn’t know moments like these even existed. Intimacy without sex was a foreign concept to me, but it was something I had always dreamed about.
Now it was time to get back to work. At that time I was managing a pool hall. It was a very descent and respectable place that I enjoyed working at. James dropped me off at my apartment and as far as I knew there would probably be another fourteen or so years until we saw each other again. The next day I was at work and I couldn’t stop thinking about him. When I got home that night, I realized I had lost a $50 bill. So I used it as an excuse to get in touch with James. When I called him, he said “I don’t have it, but I’m glad we hooked up again after all these years.”
Well the next day I went to work and guess who showed up, yes it was James. So we started talking about old times as we played a game of pool. I was really good, as I was taught by the pros. We must have played 8 or 10 games in between customers. Then we started betting on our games. Of course I won, and off we went to eat dinner and see a movie. We had a great time and just talked and talked and talked. I certainly felt comfortable with him. Then he came over my apartment and we must have talked until 2:00 a.m. in the morning. It was so refreshing just talking to a guy who didn’t even try anything. The next day guess who showed up at my work again? I was wondering why he didn’t work. He explained to me that he did work and actually had a very good job. That was a first in my life, a guy who had a great personality that actually worked for a living. I thought I was batting a thousand, but I was also very scared.
I told him that we would have to see each other after work hours. That lasted a day or so. He came in a couple of days later, actually just killing time because he was waiting to be sent to Northern California on a contract. I said, “While your killing time let’s shoot some pool.” I won yet another dinner. While we were eating, he was just about to order a beer when he asked me if I minded if he drank, which I thought was very thoughtful. At first I said no then I started to think to myself, you know, if I start really liking this guy, and we start going out then I really don’t want him drinking around me, which could really cause me to go back out and drink. I got really brave and said, “Yes as a matter of fact, I do mind.” Now he could have said, “Well that’s the end of us,” or he could have said, “OK no problem.” I had no idea what he was going to say, but he said “OK, no big deal, it’s time for me to stop drinking anyway.” Can you imagine how that felt to me - that was the absolute nicest thing that anybody had ever done for me! He didn’t just say OK no problem, he vowed at that very moment, that he was never going to drink again, because he knew how much it meant to me. I tell you only God could have given me the guts to be so honest that day. I guess we officially started dating right then.
I had just gotten out of an emotionally abusive relationship, and I was very confused, and I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to be with this guy, who treated me like I was supposed to be treated, but I didn’t want to get together with him as a rebound relationship because I knew that would never work. I was very torn so one day we were at my apartment, and I told him how I felt. It was on a Sunday and he came over to spend the day with me. I felt confused and scared to get into a relationship, so I laid it all out on the line. I told him that we shouldn’t see each other anymore, and that I needed some time to get over the hurt from the last relationship. I told him we needed a serious break. Now most guys that I knew would have said, “Whatever, have a good life.” Right when I was getting ready to justify my reasons for our split, he said “I understand and I can respect what you need. I would rather let you go now and maybe we could have a future some day. Why try to fight it and ruin it forever?” I was in such shock. He actually agreed with what I wanted to do. It completely blew me away. It was so out of character from what I was used to. We did separate ways for about two days. I couldn’t stop thinking of him, the way he listened to my pain and still accepted me for who I was. The way he opened up my car door when we went places. The way he stopped drinking just because I didn’t feel comfortable around alcohol. The way he respected my wishes when I broke up with him. I couldn’t let a genuine guy like that go! I felt I would regret it for the rest of my life if I let him slip away.
It was a Tuesday night, and I was going for an interview to work at a nail salon. It just so happened that the salon was very near James’ house, so I called him from there and asked him if I could come over. I think we were both in shock from the phone call. He said, “Yes of course you can,” and he gave me directions to his house. I was about five minutes away. I immediately started praying to my higher power and I hoped I was doing the right thing. I was trying to pray to the God of the universe. Actually I really just felt like I was talking to myself - I just wanted somebody or something to know my feelings. So I drove over to his house, and he was sitting outside waiting for me. I’ll never forget how my heart fluttered when I saw him sitting there. And I said to myself or God or who ever I was talking to, “Well here I go, please let me be doing the right thing.” I walked up to him, scared, anxious and excited, and I told him that I felt all these feelings that I didn’t know were possible after what I had been through lately. I proceeded to tell him that I couldn’t stop thinking about him and I think I was falling in love with him, but that I was scared to death. He felt the exact same way. He had already fallen in love with me, and he was scared too, but it was worth it; because he couldn’t imagine being without me.
Shortly after that night, he did the most amazing thing. One night I was at an AA meeting celebrating my second year of sobriety. I was up at the podium sharing my testimony, which you have already read in detail. After sharing I sat down in the front row waiting for the next speaker. All of a sudden, I saw James coming from the side door and onto the platform, and he had a bouquet of flowers with him. I totally freaked out. I thought, and so did many other people, that he was going to propose to me. He didn’t, and I’m not even sure what he said, except that I was a very special person and that he was glad that God had brought me into his life. It was the most beautiful moment, although he was terrified—his knees were knocking and his voice was shaking. I guess my higher power steered me in the right direction that night when I drove over to his house.
Shortly after that night he moved in with me, and we started a long and very dedicated relationship. During this time my mom had been diagnosed with cancer (lymphoma). She was on a very strong and powerful chemotherapy regimen. She had been fighting this battle for about seven months and at that time she was winning. She was such a fighter. She was just about to go back to work, when out of the blue, she was rushed to the hospital because she couldn’t breathe. When I got the phone call I thought she was going to die, and I remember just breaking down at work. She didn’t die that day, but her life was over. She had been diagnosed, after many tests, with heart failure due to the chemotherapy. After all that fighting she did with cancer, which she was determined to beat, she ended up bed ridden with only 23% capacity of her heart. I’ll never forget one doctor telling me that she would be dead in two to four months. I thought to myself, “How dare he say that, only God knows when you die, not some doctor.” So she partially recovered and came home. At that time I was thinking about quitting my job and starting my own manicuring business - kind of a traveling nail technician. My current job wasn’t going anywhere. I was either going to become part owner of the pool hall or I was going to quit.
You see I’ve always had a bountiful supply of ambition and if something wasn’t challenging, then I would end up quitting. I had a theory about life. A person should do everything they want career-wise and then at age thirty settle down, get married, have kids, and stick with a career until retirement. I don’t know where I got that from, but it sounded good at the time.
Right before I quit the pool hall, I was there playing pool with James. He was waiting on a contract to go back to California as I stated earlier. We started playing and I started winning, and then he bet me that if I won he would take me with him to Northern California. I guess this was his way of asking me to go with him, because he was going to be gone for two or three months. So I beat him, of course (since I was trained by state champions in pool shooting), and we started planning our trip.
Since I was resigning from my job, I decided to go to my parent’s house during the day and take care of my mom. She really needed me, and I feel blessed that I was able to be there for her. She was so weak. I felt so sorry for her, but she was such a fighter and she wasn’t going to let this get her down. Actually, I wish just once she would have. She never shed a tear about her condition. It’s actually very sad that she didn’t allow herself to feel emotion, but that was the story of her life. Everything was always OK. No wonder I learned the coping skill so well. Each day I would go over and lay on her bed with her and we would watch TV. We really didn’t talk very much, because, I guess, we didn’t want to talk about the inevitable.
Now up until this time, I went to AA meetings every single day, sometimes two to three or even four meetings a day. I couldn’t get through even a day without a meeting. Then my time got utilized with taking care of my mom more and more. Before I knew it, I went a day, then a week, and then even a month without a meeting. I never thought I could do that, but God really took care of me.