Fearful Day
Even though we were dealing with our “feelings” myself with fear and James with rejection, we had the most beautiful storybook wedding. It started like this: My friends, Rachel and Tiffani picked me up early in the morning on January 26, 1991, and we went to Fisherman’s Wharf to kill some time. They filled me with clam chowder, because they said having a full stomach would help with my nervousness. That’s the kind of girls they are—always thinking of everything.
After that it was time to head to Sausalito, California, where the wedding would take place. This was the most beautiful place in California that I had ever seen. It’s located before the Golden Gate Bridge that goes into San Francisco. This little town is located in Marin County, one of the richest counties in the United States. We went to this old beautiful hotel that was built into the side of a mountain in 1885. As I said these girls took care of everything. They did my make-up and my aunt from California did my hair, as she was a beautician. I mean I was treated like a queen. There were only fourteen people at the wedding, but it was perfect because my dad came. Even after my mom dying, my dad made it to my wedding. That was so special, and he got to give his little girl away in marriage. The staircase banister was wrapped with very elegant, gorgeous bouquets of flowers. As I walked down the stairs, the music from the movie “Somewhere In Time” played. As I got to the bottom of the staircase, my dad was waiting to walk me into the wedding room. This room was just under the top floor of the hotel, which over looked the San Francisco Bay. It couldn’t have been a better day regarding the weather. So as my dad handed me gently into my almost husband’s arms, the minister began to express her opinion of he and I. It was very impressive. Next, she then had Tiffani read the scriptures about love in the Bible. Tears filled her eyes as she read these words which pierced all of our hearts. And then the wedding vows were spoken.
After this storybook, fairy tale wedding, there was much more to come. For instance, we left this hotel and went to the Fairmont Hotel. You may recognize the name, because it is the same hotel that the show “Hotel” was filmed in. It was absolutely gorgeous. Everyone said I looked like a princess and boy did I feel like one. Our first stop was a piano lounge where we had drinks (non-alcoholic) and small snacks. This was in preparation for our meal, which was on the top floor of the hotel - I believe it was the fourteenth floor. Glass windows surrounded the entire room; on one side you could see the Golden Gate Bridge and on the other was Alcatraz. It was an incredible scenery. The food was fantastic, a complete menu with all the ambiance to go with it.
After we ate we went to smoke a cigarette. Can you just imagine a beautiful princess dressed in white, with a cigarette hanging out of her mouth? Pretty tacky, but I needed my nicotine fix. James and I were sitting on a plush velvet bench in front of the elevators just enjoying the moment, and I said to him “every thing is perfect except I wish my mom was here.” Then, something very strange happened. At that very moment the elevator doors opened up and yet there was no one inside. I really felt like mom stepped off the elevator and joined our precious moment. Even though it was my imagination, it completed my dream come true. After that, we left this extraordinary restaurant. We all went down in the elevator to the Tonga Room. This room was decorated in Polynesian style. There was a pool in the middle of the room, which had a kind of boat in it. I’m not sure what you call it but it transported the band from the middle to the other side of the pool. When the band would be slowly traveling across the pool, there would be rain and thunder and lightning in the pool. There, we did all the wedding traditions: the first dance, father and daughter dance and all the other traditions of the garter and flower tossing.
We stayed there until after midnight and then off to our honeymoon, which was back at the hotel where we started, where the wedding was held - starting in the Katmandu Room (the hotel was all theme rooms). I was terrified. I thought to myself, “How am I going to get out of this predicament?” Now is the time when I’m supposed to consummate the marriage. Of course I didn’t view it that way. I just thought Oh, my gosh, I have to make love and not be afraid. It was very scary, but God really came through for us. We were able to make love and enjoy each other for a moment, but as soon as he would move me a certain way or any way for that matter, I would just freeze up and become completely paralyzed with fear. All I could think about was I couldn’t wait until he was done so that I could go to sleep. I can’t believe I felt like that on my wedding night. I just wanted to cry except I didn’t want him to know how I was feeling, so I faked it long enough to get through it. But when I think back on this now, I am grateful that we had even a moment of true intimacy, because that is a miracle and only God could make it happen, and He did.
The next night we stayed in the Sun Room. It was decorated like a summer cottage: bright yellow decorations with wicker furniture. It was really soothing, such a serene place to be. Unfortunately I still had a tremendous, paralyzing fear of intimacy. I didn’t know what to do; this was our honeymoon after all. So I did the only thing I knew how and that was emotionally and mentally escape while my body felt all the pleasures. It was very difficult to be able to come back and focus, but I did it. I faked the emotional part for the sake of our circumstances, but the physical part I didn’t have to fake, because no matter how much fear I experienced, I always experienced physical pleasure. That was a mystery I never understood.