At 40 weeks of pregnancy, I went into labor. There I was, in the hospital with excruciating pain, having contractions every minute and, instead of trying to be supportive, James would just complain or not talk to me at all. Then he went to get something to eat and spilled it on himself. Instead of having concern about my well being, he got so angry about spilling his spaghetti on his shirt, he decided adamantly that he was going to go home and change his shirt; the drive was about 30-40 minutes away. I was in hard labor having his baby, and all he cared about was himself. He almost missed the birth. In my opinion that was the most selfish, prideful thing that anyone could have ever done.
All that medicine, monitoring and bed rest was worth it, because on April 13, 1992 at 3:32 in the afternoon, God blessed us with a beautiful son, weighing 8 lbs, 8 1/2 ounces. Our son, Justin was truly a precious miracle. Our whole lives were about to change.
We took this bundle of joy home, and one would think that our relationship would change for the better, due to this blessing. In several ways it did. Our son brought so much joy to our lives, but it didn’t change my fears and my husband’s anger. What our son did do was give James and I someone to love. We weren’t able to show our love toward each other, but James just loved our boy, although he still wouldn’t give me the time of day. He was always angry with me, but would pour out his love to our son. It got so bad that when he would walk in the door, which I dreaded, we wouldn’t even look at each other, and we would stay on separate floors. I would stay as far as I could away from him because I couldn’t handle his abusive words or his sarcastic remarks or dirty looks.
Our relationship began to deteriorate even more. Not only did we have so many communication problems, we now had responsibilities to go with it. And James grew up in a house where responsibilities were always commanded with unresolved tension. So any time I asked him to do anything, he would get angry with me and lash out with uncalled for, disrespectful remarks. He was a very angry man - angry from his past-which manifested itself into our marriage.
I stopped nursing Justin when he was about six months old and when I stopped, I started having pains in my abdomen again. It turned out the endometriosis was back and put me in horrible pain. I went to my doctor, and he told me to try to get pregnant again, because that could clear up the endometriosis. He said that if I didn’t, then I most likely would never be able to get pregnant again. As a matter of fact, I was definitely heading for a complete hysterectomy.
James and I were not getting along, and we were already struggling financially. I thought that if we were going through this much financial struggles with three of us, I couldn’t even imagine what it would be like with four. But we had to make a decision to get pregnant then or never. It was a really difficult decision for me, because I knew I didn’t want to be married to him anymore and live in the misery that I was living in, but I really wanted a playmate for Justin. I made that decision once again to stay and get pregnant even though he was so emotionally abusive towards me.
I recall a time when Justin was really little and I wanted to take a picture of him on James’ shoulder. I was trying to aim the camera, when all of sudden he, in such a nasty way said, “Just hurry up and take the damn picture.” It really hurt my feelings. When we would talk about his attitude towards me, he would say that other married couples were making love, and I would say that I needed him to communicate with me and love me and help me feel safe and loved, and I’m sure I would be able to be intimate.
When Justin was about seven months old, I’d had enough, but I was scared to raise him on my own, plus I was trying to have a baby with this man that I could not stand. I just wanted to die. I wanted out of this hell called marriage. I couldn’t take the emotional abuse, the sarcasm, the put downs and the complaining. I hated him, and I wanted him out of my life.
But no matter how I felt, I still entertained the thought of having another child. I had to know exactly when I would ovulate, because it was a real hit or miss thing. Our relationship was so bad that I wanted to know the exact day that I would have to subject myself to making love to a man that never showed love towards me. We tried the mathematical way of finding out when I would be ovulating, along with taking my temperature every morning before I got out of bed, but my temperature would go up and down like a mountain. I never knew when or even if I was ovulating.
During this time I was still monitoring my ovulation, but I couldn’t ovulate. I was in so much pain from the endometriosis, that my doctor put me on bed rest and scheduled surgery again.
While waiting for my surgery date, we found out that James was getting ready to lose his job, so we decided to start our own business; that way I could run it during the day while taking care of Justin, and James could meet with clients and make deliveries. It was going to be the answer to financial freedom. He put together a business plan and we got a loan for $15,000, which bought us twenty-three home business options, a computer, a printer and a fax machine. We got the loan, but he wouldn’t help me with the business at all. He just left me with trying to run a business, suffering physical pain from the endometriosis, and taking care of a baby.
Along with all that, I had the responsibility of coming up with $300 per month on my own for the loan payment. It was so overwhelming and stressful, and each month I would freak out about how I was going to pay this payment, but some how God always provided. He knew I was trying everything to make it work, so He blessed me with the payment every month. Of course, this put even more distance in my marriage.
I continued to see my therapist during this time, to help me to be intimate with James and conceive. But, we lived a miserable life together and if it had not been for Justin, and the fact that we were trying to have another child, we would have split up. I was miserable and felt like something was missing out of my life, but I didn’t know what that was. I mean I was married, had a baby, and trying to have another, and I had a higher power, what more was there? Well I’ll tell you, it was the higher power part. Who was this God of my own understanding, anyway? He was so distant - just this big giant God of the universe.