The Story of My Thinking
I don’t want this book to be all about me. It’s about you, but, what can I say? I have a story of my own and telling some of it will help set the scene for what follows. So, please, bear with me.
I was born and brought up in Glasgow, but had a difficult childhood in many ways. I survived sexual abuse by a neighbour as a child, and by a doctor when I was a youth. And just a little side note. If anyone thinks that you can’t be healed of childhood abuse, that’s not true. I’m living proof that you can not only survive and be healed of child abuse, you can also thrive. I’ll repeat that:
YOU CAN ALSO THRIVE!!!
The Gollum Years
Nothing, absolutely nothing is impossible for God and his angels to heal. I suffered for years from depression because of so many childhood issues. I was also diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and God alone knows what else. I’ve forgotten. I was seeing psychiatrists, psychologists and counsellors for years. Although they did their best to help me they couldn’t block out the past and how it had affected me. Additionally, I found it extremely difficult to let go of it. It clung to me and affected me in so many ways.
Despite this, I had spiritual experiences as a teenager and tended to think of it as God’s way of making up for my crappy childhood. My giftedness was interrupted though because of the toxic thinking traits which infected me like a merciless disease. I was shaped and moulded into one with a victim mentality, one who hid and isolated himself a lot, but this was to change. And thank God it did.
In the meantime, I experimented a great deal with alcohol and, to a lesser extent, drugs. I also used copious amounts of food and television to block out the pain, numb my emotions and help me live in the real world. I experienced reality as something unbearable – not just challenging. I was depressed and suicidal at the age of nineteen and only God alone knows why I didn’t kill myself.
God intervened on such occasions and I would find relief, but the hardest period of my youth was definitely between the ages of nineteen to twenty-one. I was suicidal every day and used to bang my head off the wall repeatedly to try and stop the pain. Imagine, the psychological pain I was in if I thought such unhealthy, drastic actions would help. Loneliness and despair were my constant companions at the time and I didn’t tell anyone how I felt. I didn’t think they would care and at that time I didn’t know anything about depression or the available treatment for it.
Mind you in the 80’s there wasn’t as much emphasis on counselling and psychotherapy as there is now. Likewise, there’s now less of a stigma concerning depression and other mental health issues. Thankfully, professions such as psychotherapy are more readily accepted, and are available to help increasing numbers of people. I believe the angels have played a part in this development – God recognising the need we have of this and our willingness now to receive it.
I would describe my years of early adulthood as the ‘Gollum Years’. Gollum, you know, that gangly grey creature in Lord of the Rings, he was consumed by the power of the One Ring. He coveted it so much that he called it My Precious. That’s how I viewed copious amounts of alcohol, endless T.V. viewing and masses of junk food. They were so precious to me!
If you’ve seen the film, you’ll know that Gollum hid way up in the Misty Mountains to be alone with the ring where it tortured and changed him beyond all recognition. The same happened to me. I hid under a drunken haze in front of the television screen or was stuffing my face. That was my reality. How sad. But I don’t look back at that person with disgust, neither do I judge him. When the time was right for me, divine timing, I was to leave all that behind me, one step at a time. I still struggle with binge eating on occasion (at the time of writing this book), but I know that too is being healed. And this is what this book is about: God’s healing through how and what we think.
Physically, Gollum turned grey and lost his hair. Mentally, he became deranged and murderous (he previously murdered his best friend for the ring). He talked with the ring as though it were a real friend. Spiritually, he was left bankrupt and in a state of despair. He both loved and despised the ring. That was also true of me. I both loved and detested the grip alcohol and food had on me. I also felt like such a slob spending hours watching T.V. What a waste of my life.
Needless to say, my thought life was diseased. I was at disease with myself. Thoughts of self-hatred were common as was the dark mist of poor self-esteem and lack of self-worth. There was no sense of self-acceptance or confidence, and I was still depressed and intermittently suicidal. I could see no way out, no light at the end of the proverbial tunnel.
Time marched on though and, with several divine and angelic interventions, I realised my giftedness again. As I gradually woke up to the futility of my existence, I reached out for help. When I did so the angels were there to help me. Several good people were put in my way. Other help came from books and tapes that were put in my way, and I also went to spiritual places and connected a lot with nature. Gradually, oh, so gradually, I changed for the better. I received so much help and healing to live my life’s purpose: being happy and helping others, including through my work with the angels.
The Victim Mentality
My thinking though was still affected a great deal by the victim mentality. This way of thinking is common in today’s society and it certainly had me by the throat at that time. Poor me, dominated my thinking. Life was so unfair and treated me badly. It also resulted in a passive way of living, as though waiting for something, life (anything!) to change. But it was my attitude and way of thinking that needed to change. This was how I was to change the way I related to myself, others and God.
I knew the victim mentality was associated with my childhood issues, that I was still affected by them. Don’t get me wrong. I had had several counsellors which helped – but only to a certain extent. I just could not shake the poor me attitude. I did not realise it at the time, but my toxic thinking was very much connected with my immature emotional life: it was very much linked to the pain of the past. In other words, I was living my emotional past in the present, so much so, if somebody hurt or challenged me, I would experience the pain greatly exaggerated and go into crisis mode! I became exhausted from all this and became a psycho-emotional prisoner.
Practising the Mental Cleansing and Refurbishment Exercise has truly helped a lot with this. This practice is the main content of this book which will bring you so much healing, as it has me. Pretty soon after beginning this daily exercise I began to see my worth, while self-acceptance and a healthy self-love dawned on the horizon. My self-talk improved; the way I related to myself and others, and my whole world view, began to alter for the better. I had stopped drinking alcohol, quit smoking (30 cigarettes a day) and watching so much T.V. several years previously. This had obviously helped me tremendously – but this mental cleansing…wow!
More pieces of the puzzle emerged when the angels entered my life with more insistence. It was either that or I had enough healing achieved to enable me to listen. Either way, as I responded to the angels, I began to learn so much about myself in relation to them and God. I saw how much I was loved and how they wanted me to be like them: to love unconditionally, and to serve others. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not there yet, not by any manner of means, but I’m trying, and it will be a lifelong practice.
The last piece of the puzzle was put in place when I participated in a special hosting of the Archangels. I invited several archangels to my house for a week (invited to do so by a friend). I prayed for their help while they were with me. The heaviness that remained to me left me; the depression and difficulty in doing everyday tasks vanished. The sense of aimlessness and despair was replaced with hope, vibrancy and a sense of purpose.
These beautiful archangels also did something marvellous. It took a few days for me to realise it, but they had cut the cords which linked my mental pain involving past events from those which occurred in the present. My past had its grip on me in this respect. What a relief. A miracle had truly happened which allowed me to hear and see the angels better and be of service to others more freely. It also meant I was no longer as worried about others hurting me; I was now free to learn how to deal with hurt as it happened so I could forgive and let it go.
I was launched into my life’s purpose with a bang and a fizz of fireworks. I started reading people’s angel cards with ease and accuracy. I also began drawing people’s guardian angels. The meaning of the symbols present in the picture together with how the angel is related to his/her charge are always given to me. Most of the time I’m given the name of the angel too. I have to add though, the angel I’m given to draw is not usually the principle guardian angel I make contact with: it’s another. In other words, it’s a guardian angel other than the one(s) who accompany us into this world when we are born.
I believe it’s important to point out that several angels usually end up accompanying us through our life’s journey. Some we acquire along the way may leave us again when there’s no longer a need for them, while others remain for the rest of our lives together with our primary guardian angels. Then there are others that come and go throughout our lives; they visit whenever their help is required. I have one such angel, Simon, one of Archangel Raphael’s healing angels. The thing I like about him is he’s such a chatterbox, a bit like myself. He also knows how to take a compliment.
Another thing I started to do was hold angel parties in people’s homes, including praying with people; amazingly, the angels began to heal them, especially emotionally. The strange thing was none of this shocked or disturbed me in any way. It all seemed to come so naturally. Admittedly, I initially thought I was a charlatan, a phony. I thought God and his angels couldn’t possibly be using me. But they were, and still are a year later. I’ve had so much positive feedback that I can’t deny the truth of it all. It’s truly a humbling experience and great privilege to serve others in this way.
I now know I am to serve people every day of my life until my Maker calls me home. No matter how difficult that may be, I’ve not to shrink from the task. Like the angels, I’ve to approach people in a non-judgemental way and – as I said before – with unconditional love in my heart. The angels told me to be love in the heart of society. No doubt I’ll be learning to do that until I leap into eternity, but I’m happy to do it and can forgive myself for my human foibles.
Put to Death the Nigglies
I love the angelic dynamism of life, and think how they operate without demanding our thanks or recognition. They work away quietly and tirelessly. Lord, the average person is annoyed at not being thanked for making a cup of tea. But the angels love unconditionally, long to serve us and please God. Although they don’t demand our thanks, they are appreciative when it is given. It’s one of my daily activities: to spend a few minutes thanking my angels for their presence, their love, their friendship, guidance and protection. And they do so much more of which we’ll never be aware.
It’s only fair if you’re asking at this point, ‘What’s all this got to do with my thought life?’
It has everything to do with it. Like me, you have thoughts and thought patterns which affect your daily lives and relationships. And, if you’re honest, not all that goes on in your mind is pleasant or comfortable. Your self-talk can, at times, leave you feeling deflated, guilty or shame-filled. Perhaps it’s worse. Does anxiety and negativity claim much of your thinking? If, like me, you want to heal your life and relationships, develop a happy and peaceful thought life, you’ve come to the right place. Read on and fear not; we’re getting close to the nitty gritty.
I’m finally putting to death the nigglies. That’s what I call negative thinking. You know, the mental tape that can switch on in the head and tell you a pack of lies about yourself, ranging from ‘I’m no good’, ‘I’m useless’ to ‘Why would anyone bother with me anyway?’. You know what I’m talking about. Every human being has an internal dialogue and it’s not always pretty. The problem is, if negative thoughts are allowed entry, they can begin to grow, fester and spread. Eventually more negative thought patterns influence our daily lives and relationships.
Although positive thinking is a useful tool to help change this, I believe today’s world needs something more. The great thing is this ‘more’ is based on how we learn: listening, thinking, writing and applying. The method I adopted, and still use to this day, has helped me overcome many negative thought patterns. It has helped heal the way I relate to myself, others and God. This change and progress is ongoing. It’s a lifetime’s work (he mops the brow) and I’m glad I’m on board with it. I shudder to think of what would’ve happened if I hadn’t taken the necessary help and made the changes which I did. Thank God for his healing love and his angels.
The decision to put the nigglies to death was the starting point for me and, I believe, is for you too. Whether you abhor negative thinking or take some kind of twisted pleasure in it (I know I did some of the time), you will need to reach the decision that you don’t want it in your life anymore.
That means you no longer get to play the victim, whine and dine, manipulate or control others, gossip, criticise or blame yourself or others for life’s woes. All that stuff is illusion and fear based! Okay, life might throw us curve balls, but is it better to meet these situations with serenity or with moaning, resulting in our unhappiness? Isn’t it better to see life’s challenges as opportunities to grow in love of self, others and God? Isn’t it better to be more angel like?
In other words, you have to try and let go of all the junk, all the negative thoughts and behaviour concerning others and situations, for this does not serve you well. If you do let go, or at least keep trying (I’ve not yet perfected this myself!), the upside is you experience so much peace and happiness, an abundance of well-being and joy. And I don’t mean the fleeting kind you get from munching away at ice cream and doughnuts. I’m talking about deep and lasting spiritual happiness which makes the good times better and the challenging times easier to work through.
My thinking has changed so much that I’ve began to think of difficulties/hardship as growth opportunities. It may be painful at times, but they’re great opportunities to learn and mature. If you’re raising an eyebrow of scepticism I have to say, ‘Okay, okay.’ There are times it’s difficult to see it that way. Like you, I’m human, still learning, but I know I can work through the emotional storms and am confident that all will be okay, so long as I don’t give in to self-pity. Dear God, that stuff’s ugly and so, so painful. And do you know what? – it’s so unnecessary.
Self-pity never gives. It always, always takes. Actually, it steals. It steals peace of mind, self-worth, self-esteem, a sense of belonging and being wanted. It tells the brooder that he’s unloved, and this is such a terrible, terrible lie!
However, you have to want to change. Only you can make that decision and I pray you do. In fact if you’re reading this right here, right now, it’s my belief that you’re ready or nearly ready and just need a nudge through the door. Your angels will help you by doing just that. They can even do it quite literally.
That reminds me of an event a few months before writing this book. I was lying in bed and had remained there longer than intended. I felt this hand grab the back of my neck and give me a good shake back and forward into my pillow. You can imagine the fright I got. No one likes being awakened by surprise never mind in such a gruff way.
I knew it was Samuel, one of my angels that woke me. The manner in which he did actually suited his personality. He’s the most serious and masculine of all my angels, but definitely every bit as devoted to helping and healing me. It was his way of helping me get ready to meet the day. I certainly didn’t fall back to sleep after that rude awakening!!!
Angelic Tidbits