How I Dealt with a Gollum Thought
I thought it would be a good idea to talk you through one of my own Mental Cleansing and Refurbishment Exercises I did last year. It will help the theoretical come to life. So, let’s begin…
When doing the exercise, I sit on a comfortable arm chair or prop myself up on the bed. I prefer to be by my angel altar but noisy kids…need I say more? I ask the angels to counsel and guide me during this prayer time and say the prayer from Chapter 2 or words to that effect. I’ll print it here again to save you scooting through the pages:
Holy Angels, thank you for protecting my mind and guiding my thinking, so that it is the true me who is listening, the true me who hears and understands you. Thank you that it is the true you who is speaking, the true you who communicates God’s love and grace to me. And I believe it is so.
I picture the toxic thought the angels have revealed to me, or one I’ve chosen. I see it in a plant pot. This image changes as the days go on. Initially, it’s strong, but it weakens and wilts over the first couple of weeks. The last week, I picture it each morning drying up and fading away. By the last day even the roots have dissolved.
Simultaneously, I see the healthy new thought being planted in a plant pot beside it and see it grow. By the third week, I see it as strong, mature with beautiful leaves and budding flowers. If you want to use other imagery, feel free. Whatever works for you - that’s what matters.
Again, ask the angels for guidance when you’re using imagery and when you’re reflecting and writing during the exercise. It’s also important to include them when deciding on an affirmation for the day. This keeps us focussed on Heaven’s help and our ego at bay. Remember, we’re not just healing ourselves. We’re relying on help from above, that is, God’s grace and healing action through his angels. I know this also saves me from getting too cocky or thinking it’s all my own work.
Week 1
I start off the same way at the beginning of each 3 week cycle. As I’ve said before, I ask my angels to help me identify a particular toxic thought or thought pattern. One which surfaced was I am unloving, I am unlovable. Wow! What a sick thought. I think that’s about the worst thing I could think about myself. It’s tantamount to saying I’m a block of ice, unable to give or receive love, shut off from God and everyone else. The trouble with such thoughts is they become part of our belief system. I was really shaken when the angels revealed this toxicity to me. How could I think about myself in such a way? But it was back to that old Gollum scenario again which I mentioned in the first chapter.
Of course, this was toxic thinking left undealt with from my childhood. The amazing thing is I wouldn’t have uncovered that thought in such a specific way if I hadn’t unearthed other weeds beforehand and dealt with them. This was a biggie, a real nasty to get rid of. But I faced it the same way as I have all the rest.
The angels are a great bunch of friends. They’re really tuned into divine timing and recognising when I’m ready for such an unhealthy thought to work on. They revealed when I was able to handle it. If I had been given it earlier to work through, it could easily have overwhelmed me. However, the angels knew I had worked on enough of the negative traits and thoughts related to this one and so the time was ripe for me to face it. God’s timing is perfect timing, one of the ways He shows us His love and willingness to heal.
When I receive the toxic thought to work on, I pay attention to words such as verbs, nouns, adverbs and adjectives. I also take note of the tense in which the thought comes. If it’s around something that happened way back and the thought comes as the present tense, it can mean it has a strong grip on me. This all helps me capture sub-thoughts too, those which are linked to the main unhealthy thought but still need to be worked on as part of it.
In this instance unloving and unlovable were the two words I focussed on. I thought about them and wrote that, as a child, part of me felt it was my fault for what happened to me, being abused and bullied. I detected a great deal of loneliness and ‘inner isolation’ behind that self-blame. Over the next few days I saw that isolating myself was connected to the belief I was unlovable and, as such, that I didn’t belong with my family as a child or in society.
It makes sense I thought like that as a child. Since children have to see adults as trustworthy and right (a survival mechanism that helps create space for the child to develop properly) it was hardly surprising I turned the blame inwards. The truth of the matter was, as a child, I was supposed to be protected, loved and cherished by adults around me. I was right to be angry and hurt, but I couldn’t stay in that place. So I continued with the daily exercise.
I spent the first week considering how these thoughts were linked to my past behaviour. Concerning the tendency to isolate myself, it was the angels who helped me identify this. Linked to this was the belief I wasn’t good enough to hang out with friends, which was, in turn, linked to the belief I was unlovable. This shows how different aspects of belief can occur from one initial and unhealthy thought.
But the gloves were off. I was ready to meet this head on and with enthusiasm and joy. Why? Because I had already experienced the power of The Mental Cleansing and Refurbishment Exercise and knew victory over this thinking was assured. And so it was. I struggled on and off dealing with this thought around being unloving and unlovable. A certain amount of pain emerged and I would seek to hide from it. It took me over a month to complete the mental cleanse cycle, but it was worth it. It unearthed several other related negative patterns to be worked on and I am happy to say I’m only too willing to tackle them.
Loneliness was another element which emerged, and why wouldn’t it. Anyone who thinks they’re unlovable and isolates themselves is going to feel pretty lonely at some point or other. Although I’m extremely sociable now, the result of much healing, the past was tapping me on the shoulder. It was demanding attention, asking me to honour the memories and so I asked the angels to help me with them. It was obvious to me that healing was needed.
I wrote about how these kinds of thoughts and behaviours influenced my wider thinking and behaviour, how I felt about myself and others. Likewise, I did the same concerning seeing myself free of the troublesome thought. What would life be like free of such thoughts or beliefs? Do I dare to see myself as loved, liked by others? How would I behave when free of this thought?
Additionally, I kept an eye out for emerging patterns over the week and noticed the isolation and loneliness element was linked to not feeling I belonged anywhere as a child (as mentioned previously). It was another lie I chose to believe when growing up.
How responsible I was for believing that, I don’t know, but I was willing to let it go. I chose to believe the truth: I am a beautiful child of God and belong in this universe and on this planet. This was the truth and the new healthy thought. I used affirmations to reinforce this during the week. One day I said to myself I am loving, I am lovable, and I am loved as the affirmation, saying it meaningfully and as often as I could. Another affirmation was I am good, I am kind, and I am loving. Yet another was I am free to be me.
You can be excused for thinking, is that it? Is that all I have to say and do during the day? Yep, and the great thing is – it works! You only have to say it meaningfully, with conviction, and you’ll be a positive little Johnny (or Jeanie) before long. Keep reminding yourself of your affirmations throughout the day and reinforce them with visualisations.
One visualisation I used the first week was seeing one of my angels, Silas, embracing me. He was so happy to see me setting myself free with God’s help. Another was seeing him shielding me with his arms and growing brighter and brighter as I said the affirmation, the light encapsulating me and protecting me from the negativity coming from others.
I know it’s obvious, but we’re surrounded by negativity every day, whether it comes from the news, the workplace, family members, neighbours or friends. Even the usually positive folks can have their off days. The thing is, though, we can absorb a lot of the rubbish if we let it in. Most of the time now I refuse to let it enter my head, I catch it in time and send it packing.
Week 2
The second week, I focussed on the healthy new thought. I saw the old unhealthy one dying, shrinking and the healthy thought growing, becoming stronger. Although I might still write what comes to mind about the negative thought and what I still need to work on, the whole focus is positive and that victory is immanent.
At the start of the second week I pray with the angels to find what the underlying cause or issue around the negative thought might be. In this instance the angels guided me to see it was about nihilism, in other words, a shift in my existence and way of thinking which was directed towards not existing, a move towards non-being. It even hurts me to write this down, that I could think like this and operate out of such a sick belief and state of being. No wonder I isolated myself and thought I didn’t have the right to exist. Now I understood why this sense of not belonging always came up with each negative thought I worked on to eradicate.
I was shaken by this initially but I concentrated on thanking God for this revelation as it meant I was going to be set free of it and healed. Deeper healing was obviously needed, and that’s what I got from God and his angels. I still feel the gratitude well up in my heart at God’s goodness and the solicitude of my beautiful, loving angels.
Week 3
The third week means the end is in sight. I usually look over what I’ve written periodically and the beginning of the third week is one such occasion. I find it encouraging to review how I started on a particular unhealthy thought, what changes have been made and what still needs to be worked on.
It’s also easier to perceive in the third week that the toxic thought is not meant to be, is not meant to exist. God doesn’t want our thought life clogged up with this rubbish. Allowing it admittance and growth in the mind means it’s birthed into this world, and free to affect our behaviour and relationships. We, thus, give it permission to be destructive towards ourselves and others. When I give birth to love from a loving heart and mind, I’m doing the opposite; I’m bringing peace, compassion, love into the world and into my relationships. There is no grey area here. Our thoughts are either destructive or healing and nourishing. They cannot be both at the same time.
To encourage the change in my thinking I continue to use visualisation techniques as part of my reflection, to see myself free of the negative thought. In this case, I saw myself being hugged and accepted by friends and angels. I used affirmations to the same extent such as ‘People love being in my company’, ‘I let love in; I keep fear out’ and ‘I am safe at the core of my being’. The last one really struck a chord with me and helped me accept the positive and healthy change taking place.
Angelic Tidbits