CHAPTER 9
THE GREATEST GIFT
Eight days passed, and it was now December 28. I got up that morning, and I couldn’t get a song out of my head. I hadn’t heard it in many years, and I think it was from the 1950s. I kept hearing “I wish you bluebirds in the spring…a fire to keep you warm and when snowflakes fall, I wish you love.” I was only getting certain words, but the words were very clear. All day long I heard these words. In between them I also heard “Joyful, Joyful” and “Celebration Time, Come On.” I couldn’t figure out why I was getting these messages.
That evening we had friends over who had moved to Oregon from Arizona. Our families had been friends for many years. It was about 10:30 pm when they left. I went over to check on Sharon. She was very pale and her mouth was open. I knew she wouldn’t make it though the night. I told Ron, and he tried to assure me that he felt it might be another couple of days. I still felt strongly she wouldn’t last through the night, and so I took my shower and got ready for bed and told him I was going to lie down with her for the rest of the night.
I lay next to Sharon and spoke to her softly letting her know I bought her into this world, and I was going to be there to help her out. Our arms were intertwined much as I had done in the previous days when I would lie down with her. I could feel her take a deep breath and let it out. I paid close attention to her breathing, and each time she took a breath, I waited for her to let it out. I lay there for about thirty minutes each time anticipating her breathing. She then took a deep breath let it out, and there was no deep breath again. I waited a few seconds and knew she had passed over. I called Ron in from the other room. He turned the light up which had been dimly lit and looked at Sharon and said, “Yes, you are right. She is gone. How did you know?” I asked what time it was, and it was 11 pm.
I looked up at the ceiling from the bed where I was lying next to Sharon. I saw this gold light go across the ceiling and down the hallway. The light returned and stayed over the bed for a few minutes and again went down the hallway once again. It returned one last time, lingered above the bed, and merged with another bigger light that now was above the bed. In this light I could see the face of a man although I could not recognize who it was. At that point both gold lights merged together and went right through the ceiling above the bed. When I saw this gold light, I asked Ron who was standing nearby, “Do you see that?” He looked where I was pointing and said, “No.” The Hospice caregiver came into the room, and she could not see it either.
I continued to lie there with Sharon. Ron sat next to the bed on a chair. We stayed there for about one hour. It was the most peaceful feeling I have ever experienced. I felt Sharon had given me a beautiful spiritual gift. I was no longer afraid of death and was confident Sharon was at peace.
The caregiver and I washed Sharon’s body, and I lit some sage and let the smoke from the sage cover Sharon’s body. We had been instructed to do this by Chief Phil Crazy Bull to purify the body after death.
I called the funeral home where we had made arrangements. Sharon’s body was to be cremated. I had asked them to hold the body for seventy-two hours, which according to Native American tradition allows the spirit the time to leave the body. I knew the golden light I saw above the bed was indeed Sharon’s spirit.
We got to bed around 2 am after the caregiver left, and we slept some. It had been raining for several days before, but the next morning when I awoke the sun was shining brightly, and it was a beautiful day. It was a very difficult day for Ron and me. The hospital bed and all the medical equipment was still in the house, and each time I passed the bed, I could see Sharon’s face when she died. I cried most of the day. I decided I couldn’t face going by that hospital bed again, so I took my laptop computer, and tried to do some work in the bedroom. When I started to work on the computer, a song again came into my head and I heard, “Don’t be so sad; I know it’s over. But life goes on, and this old world will keep on turning. Just be glad we had some time to spend together...for the good times.” I kept hearing this most of the day. I felt in some way Sharon was trying to comfort me. I looked above our bed, saw the painting Reflections From the Shadow Spirit, and once again realized why we needed to purchase that painting. It reminded me that we may not be able to physically see Sharon, but she was with us still in spirit.
The next day we called Chief Phil Crazy Bull in Albuquerque to arrange a time for a Native American ceremony to honor Sharon’s passing. We decided on the date of March 8, 2003.
On December 31, Michelle, the shamanic practitioner, called. She had been informed by some of our friends that Sharon had passed into the spirit world. She asked permission to journey to Sharon and assist her in crossing over and assured me she had done this for other people in the past. I immediately agreed, anxious to help Sharon in any way I could. She called back the next day and told us what happened during her journey to Sharon. She said she found Sharon outside of our house the day after she died. Sharon was very concerned over our grief and the sadness and suffering she saw. She said her suffering was over, and so her family’s suffering should be over, and she couldn’t understand why we were continuing to be filled with grief. Michelle explained to her that she was still connected to all the members of the family energetically, and Michelle suggested that with the aid of her spirit helpers that Sharon disconnect herself and in that way it would help her and her family to begin the healing process. Sharon agreed, and as her spirit helpers and Michelle disconnected the energetic link to the family, Sharon’s spirit began to glow and radiate love and peace. After this was accomplished, she and Sharon journeyed to her body, which was in the funeral home, so she could leave her pain and suffering here on earth. She then instructed Sharon to dispose of all her painful memories, misguided actions, and all her suffering by breathing these memories back into the physical body, so that they could be left here and be returned to the earth. While this was happening, Michelle saw Sharon’s life flash before her from childhood to adulthood. There were many painful moments, and all of the misunderstandings of her life flooded from her spirit into her empty physical body at lightning speed. It was understood that all of this pain and suffering would be left here and reconverted by the earth into new pure energy. Through this process Sharon would not take any of these memories or negative patterns into her next life. After Sharon had done this, her aura expanded to double in size and in brightness as she released all of the suffering. Immediately after this occurred the Keeper of her Personal Contract arrived and informed Sharon that she had completed her lessons this lifetime regarding mental illness and addictions successfully and was fully released from a karmic debt. As this message was received by her consciousness, a dark shadow disengaged from her spirit body as if the karma was released back to the universe. Sharon was so happy, and again her light became so bright that Michelle had to shield her eyes because of the intensity. At this time, Sharon then turned to Michelle and said, “I have to tell you that my other work here on earth was to assure my family’s spiritual growth and progress, and I know that I have completely fulfilled this obligation as well. I want them to know that everything that didn’t look like God (all the pain, insanity, and suffering) was God. That’s how God works. My suffering caused my family to look for solutions and answers that ultimately led to their spiritual growth and transformation.” Michelle then asked Sharon if she was ready to go home. Sharon hesitantly said, “Yes.” She then called upon the archangels, Michael, Gabriel, Ariel, and Raphael, and Sharon was lifted up to the corner of the Eastern sky. Her ancestors and angels were asked to open the gates, so that she could pass through. As the gates opened, Michelle saw an incredible array of ancestors waiting to welcome Sharon. Many of these ancestors were of African descent. Michelle asked her again if she was ready to join them. Sharon at this time told Michelle she had stayed in the coma for the three years on earth, so that she could accomplish another task. She was working diligently for the last three years and needed to complete this task. She asked the angels to help her, and she stretched her hands down through the levels of reality to the Rehabilitation Center where she had lived for the last three years. An escalator of light beamed down to the center and the suffering, discarnate souls of the people who had died in the nursing center and had not crossed over and were still suffering began to ascend on an escalator of light. It was understood that she had been gathering these poor suffering souls together during the time she was in a coma as part of her work. There were hundreds of souls that Sharon helped over at this time. When this process was finished, Michelle asked Sharon once again if she was ready to go home. Sharon looked back at the family home for a very long time. Her spirit guides and Michelle assured her that she would be able to help her family more effectively on the other side than she could trapped in their ordinary reality. At this time, she agreed and crossed into and was enveloped into the arms of her ancestors. There was so much joy and love, and it was so intense, it was almost unbelievable. There was celestial music playing and a deep sense of release and peace. Along with the angels, Michelle bid farewell to Sharon, and the gates closed gently and firmly assuring her crossing. At this time, Michelle journeyed back to the family home with the spirit guides and with Dr. Usui, founder of the practice of Reiki, energy healing. Dr. Usui filled the sky above the home with the Reiki symbols as a blessing, the power symbol for mental and emotional healing of the past, present, and future symbol. The spirit guides also blessed the home. When this was accomplished, Michelle related that the thought process coming to her was, “It is finished in beauty; it is finished in beauty; it is finished in beauty.”
Michelle told us her journey experience and reassured us that Sharon was at peace, but we still had to deal with our loss and grief. No matter how reassured we were, there was still an empty feeling inside of us. A part of us was gone.
On January 1, 2003, a good friend, Bev, went to a sweat lodge (Inipi) ceremony in Zig Zag Oregon. Upon coming out of the sweat lodge, she looked up at the sky and saw a bright star. It moved and came down close to the earth, and the star turned into Sharon’s face, and it was smiling. She felt that it was Sharon’s way of saying she was okay. The star then disappeared.
On January 2, the funeral home called to say Sharon’s ashes were ready to be picked up. A flood of emotions overwhelmed me once again as Ron and I went to pick up her ashes. I was able to control my tears until we left the funeral home. I felt this overwhelming sadness and grief were now a part of my total being and felt a deep pressure in my chest. When we arrived home, we opened the urn. It was an emerald green and gold cloisonné urn. We had picked it out and made the funeral arrangements about six months before once we made the decision not to replace the feeding tube. Upon opening the urn, I checked to make sure the tag on it matched the paperwork from the funeral home and crematorium. I had heard tragic stories in the past where someone did not get the correct ashes of a deceased due to paperwork errors. The tag numbers matched all the paperwork, and I was relieved. We placed pieces of sweet grass in the urn with the ashes, a Native American tradition, and placed the urn on the nightstand in Sharon’s room.
Over the course of the next few weeks, we received condolence cards and prayer offerings from friends and family. My intuition told me I needed to honor my feelings of sadness and grief and indeed experience these feelings, which was so unlike me. Being busy was my usual behavior, and then I wouldn’t have to think about Sharon. When I would embrace and feel this overwhelming sadness, the feelings would seem to dissipate and became a part of me rather than me pushing it away.
During the next week, I felt I needed some more answers and did a shamanic practice of rock divination. I had learned this in a workshop and thought I should give it a try once again. Sharon had had a favorite rock she kept in her belongings, and I got it out and began the meditative practice. I asked if I could be shown anything that Sharon wanted me to know. At first in the rock I saw my face with a stick through my head and the thought, “Don’t think with your mind, think with your heart.” On the second side of the rock, I saw a picture of a deer, which is a symbol of healing. On the third and last side of the rock, I saw Sharon’s face and where her tracheotomy was, there was an X and the thought came through, “Voice your experience,” and the X turned into a paper and a pen. This was again a confirmation for me that I was to write down my experience and Sharon’s journey and to share it with others. This was the second time I had been shown through shamanic practices that I was to write this story.
On March 8, Chief Phil Crazy Bull in Zig Zag, Oregon performed the Lakota Passing Over Ceremony. There were about twenty-five people, family and friends. The ceremony was conducted in the yurt, on the property of Red Wing Lodge. An altar was made on the floor using a Star Quilt, a Native American quilt surrounded by prayer ties I had made and in each corner a picture of Sharon, the first when she was a baby, the second at age nine, a third of the family when Sharon was age sixteen and the fourth picture at age twenty-one, all representing stages in her life. There were four candles in the altar area along with cedar. Phil began the ceremony by speaking about Sharon’s life and about life and death. He said Sharon would be present at this ceremony, and we would all know it because she would come in the rain. It had rained previously that day but was not raining at the time of the ceremony, and it seemed to be clearing about the time the ceremony began. Each person was asked to take some tobacco, pass it though the candle, and place the tobacco in two white cloths, which were being held by Bev and Colleen, two close family friends. These white cloths of tobacco, offerings for Sharon’s passing would later be brought into the sweat lodge to honor her passing and symbolize her presence. The immediate family consisted of Ron and me, Chris, Heidi his wife, and Tammy, Sharon’s cousin. We were seated to the left of the altar. Each individual offered the tobacco in remembrance and said prayers for Sharon’s crossing over. They then offered their condolences to the family. It was at this time that the rain came, and it began to pour. You could hear the rain beating against the yurt. Indeed just as Phil had said, Sharon was present at this ceremony, and he mentioned it again when it started to rain. The family was then brought into the altar area, and Phil opened the urn, took some of the ashes, and gave a pinch to each one of the family members. The urn was brought to the center of the altar with the family members encircling the open urn. Phil then told everyone to surround the family in a circle with their hands on each person’s shoulder. As the Lakota songs were sung there was an overwhelming sense that everyone there was connected and part of this ceremony. Each and every person present felt the support and love of those attending. Following the ceremony Phil conducted a two-round Inipi (sweat lodge) for those people who had never been to an Inipi, followed by the regular four rounds of the traditional sweat lodge. Chris went to all six rounds. Ron and I went to the last four rounds. By the start of the third round, people were beginning to lie down on the ground where it was cooler for a short period of time. Phil told Ron and me that we had suffered enough and could be excused for the last two rounds. We both told him we wanted to stay. I felt that I had been with Sharon though her whole journey and at this ceremony I was not about to leave until it was completed no matter how badly I felt. Phil told us at the start of the third round, which is a healing round to pray hard for whatever we needed (which I think to most people was to survive the sweat lodge), . During that third round, I prayed for physical strength and endurance. By the end of the third round, I did feel better, and I can’t explain how it happened other than for the power of spirit and prayer. Others within the lodge also said after the Inipi was over that they felt much better after the third round.