‘Self -worth is so vital to your happiness. If you don't feel good about you, it's hard to feel good about anything else.’ Mandy Hale.
This chapter may unsettle you a bit and make you feel uncomfortable but if it does, then it is a sign that you have taken the first step in your personal transformation towards happiness. I assert that there is no other path or route towards happiness than this first step. I do not want you to read beyond this chapter until you understand it, believe it, and have started making the affirmations at the end. Indeed there would be no point to skip further ahead until you have assimilated the concepts in this chapter.
The foundation to developing happiness is to love and accept yourself. You cannot make progress if you have issues about your own self worth and lack self approval and self confidence. You will be stuck in the starting blocks unless you really accept this assertion and act on it to change how you think about yourself.
People look at others who they mistakenly believe are more fortunate and say, “Well I would be happy if I was them!” People say, “I could be happy if I was you. Try being me for a day and see how that feels!” Well if that sounds like you then that stops here and now.
I want you to make a new best friend now and that is you. You cannot make progress until you understand and really believe that you are the best friend that you have. I know at first that is going to sound weird but trust me for now and try it. Take you new best friend out with you for the next day or so and feel immediately how much nicer life is.
Now I want you consider what it would mean to love yourself. I do not mean loving ourselves in a narcissistic and vain way but in the sense of treating ourselves and having a relationship with ourselves that is just like the one we would have with another person who was ‘the love of our life’.
Self care and self love are fundamental; not in an arrogant and egotistical sense but in the sense of self approval and acceptance. You are good enough.
Listen to how you talk to yourself-is it kind? - and ask yourself would you talk to a friend that way? Extend the same care and love to yourself as you would to others. When you make an effort and do something worthy e.g. maybe an early morning run before work, or perhaps spending a morning visiting an elderly relative, then take a moment to congratulate yourself and acknowledge your achievement or generosity.
Value yourself rather than trying to find validation through others.
Get to know yourself. Enjoy your own company. Many people’s lives are lived in such a whirlwind of social interaction and social networking, always searching for approval and endorsement from others, that they never spend any time alone or just being themselves. People become almost afraid of being on their own as if it indicates they are a social failure or reject. Time spent on your own just ‘being’ is more than just desirable, it is vital to maintaining who you are, and maintaining your confidence and knowing yourself. It also gives you the time and opportunity away from the constant bombardment of life to review your personal choices that are shaping your life. You must enjoy your own company for other people to enjoy your company. You must enjoy spending time with yourself for other people to enjoy spending time with you.
You should feel that it is fun being you, and that you are lucky to be you, and that there is no one else you would rather be. You are doing an important job that no one else can do – being you! You know that we are all different and what a good thing that is. How boring would it be if we were all the same. So celebrate who you are and never think for a second that you should be more like someone else. Never try to be 'normal'-there is no normal. Never try to be like 'everybody else'.
This step is so crucial and imperative because we must love ourselves before we can unconditionally love anyone else. We have to love ourselves for others to love us. Others will treat you the way you treat yourself. You should not find identity in love from someone else. If we measure ourselves by how much someone else loves us then we give away our self worth.
Part of loving ourselves is accepting ourselves. You must learn to accept yourself. Like yourself. Approve of yourself. You are good enough. Cut yourself some slack. Take a healthy pride in your talents and cultivate a realistic appreciation of your good qualities. Know and believe that you are 'as good as everyone else'. A strong sense of self worth and self esteem is the basis of an anxiety free life. Self- liking is the foundation for happiness.
When you build up your self esteem you become less ‘needy’ of others. Do not obsess about what other people think about you. When people contact me at How To Be Happy who are desperately unhappy, perhaps due to problems with an unfaithful partner, or maybe because they are experiencing constant anxiety or anger, it is noticeable that these emotions are always accompanied by low self esteem. People literally give up taking care of themselves and it is as if their self esteem is so low they no longer think they are worth taking care of.
If you are the sort of person who is very hard on yourself, then be prepared to let yourself make mistakes and to encourage yourself when you do. That does not mean excusing yourself, but remember we are all ‘works in progress’ and you can be open to yourself and others that this is the case. Everyone has worries and concerns, and suffers from lack of confidence. Many people worry about their popularity and being liked. Almost everyone worries about their appearance. You are not alone with any of these traits.
Don’t take yourself too seriously. Practice humility. This means having the ability to face ourselves honestly and examine our own behaviour and when we are wrong, to admit it to ourselves and others. In our relationships, being open and honest about our own failings where this is appropriate marks us out as someone who is confident, honest and free of their ego.
I would like to take this up a gear now. I would like you to consider a new way of thinking about this topic. We hear so much about looking for love, and finding love in this life. But you know when you do find love with someone else; it is because that person is awakening the love that is inside you. And when you start to learn to truly love yourself you are going to discover that the greatest love of all is inside you. There is a love song by Whitney Houston with the title 'The Greatest Love Of All' which is about searching for love that actually celebrates this very point.
It is from this unbounded reservoir of love that is within you that, when you discover it, you will be able to draw from to be able to give out love to others.
Before we leave this topic I need to add that you must be careful not to confuse self indulgence and other undesirable emotions driven by your ego, with loving yourself.
(The term ego here refers to the part of the conscious mind that tends to defend and align with the ‘self’ and can give rise to an exaggerated sense of self importance or conceit, or excessive pride.)
None of the following list of emotions are healthy and conducive to being happy. These emotions are the result of lack of confidence or driven by the ego. Loving and accepting yourself IS NOT ABOUT:
Vanity.
Narcissism.
Ego.
Trying to Impress others.
Showing off.
Trying to impress others.
Boasting.
Arrogance.
Thinking you are better than everyone else.
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From now onwards I would like you to make these affirmations every day.
I would like to close this chapter with a quote:
'You wait a lifetime to meet someone who understands you, accepts you as you are. At the end , you find that someone, all along, has been you.' Richard Bach.