MY JOURNEY
AS THE EGO
I don't even remember when my ego came alive. I was an innocent young child who loved to bask in the sun, running in the playgrounds of my school. My memory barely remembers anything until I was a teenager. Yes, there were a few incidents that have been etched in my memory. But they can be easily numbered. It always seemed that I was the son of my father and my mother or the grandson of my grandparents. The ME in me, was dormant. Then suddenly I became conscious of it. 'I' wanted to go to Singapore, wanted a motorcycle, and wanted good clothes. I even fell in love without realizing what this young romance was all about. But my ego came alive as I stepped into my teens.
Till then, I was not really conscious of my existence. Of course, like every child, I wanted a new cricket bat, just as I wanted stationery for school. But the ego did not demand anything. It was a quiet and silent entity that had not yet sprouted. Then, suddenly, it came alive when I was probably 16 years old. 'I' wanted to do well in my school final exams, 'I' wanted more money for food and my other needs. 'I' wanted to succeed. I started seeing myself as different from the world that surrounded me. It seemed like my ego was born.
Children are innocent. That's why young children don't suffer. They don't have a complicated mind and they don't have an aggressive ego. Most studies advocate that a child develops its own identity, the root of its ego after it is about 8 years old. This may vary from child to child. But all children are innocent until such time that the ego takes over.
I too lived an innocent life till my ego got aggressive in my mid-teens. The first 15 years of my existence slipped away into the history of my life without a significant ego. But the next 25 years were all about 'me' and 'I'. I started an advertising agency and I called it 'Ravi Advertising'. If we take a quick glimpse into history, most businesses are proof of the ego's dominance in our life. That's why we title them with names, for instance, Ford Motors, Carnegie Steel Company, Tata Motors. While I achieved success and amassed a fortune, what excited me the most was the publicity I got when my name was splashed across newspapers, magazines, and the television. Suddenly, somebody who was unknown was in the limelight. This inspired me to work very hard and my business grew at an unbelievable pace.
Fortunately, when I was about 25 years old, I met my spiritual mentor, Dada J.P. Vaswani. He was an epitome of humility and used to constantly preach, 'We are nothing'. I didn't understand the true meaning of his humility till I matured in my spiritual evolution. While my ego was very vibrant, my Spiritual Guru, it seems, was planting seeds of humility in me.
Between the age 16 to 40, I was quite arrogant. My ego had dominated a large part of my life. I feel grateful today that although I used to get angry and imposed my 'I'ness on those around me, I did not hurt too many people. Sometimes, an ego can create so much arrogance, that it makes us completely blind to others' circumstances. I was blessed, probably with the grace of God and the guidance of my Guru, with compassion. So, on the one hand, where my ego wanted to succeed and achieve wealth no matter what, on the other hand, I was humble, kind, and considerate to those around me.
It is unlikely that a highly successful man would so easily give up his empire and walk out of the world of his ego. The first sign of me conquering my ego was when I shut down my business at the age of 40. By that time, I had already built a charitable organization and a huge temple. My interest was more in H.I.S. work - Humanitarian, Inspirational, and Spiritual work. One day, after I crossed 40, I decided to walk a new path to pursue my passion. I decided to switch over from just making money to making a difference. My life transformed.
Over the next 10 years, in the fifth decade of my life, I realized that money and success were not happiness. There was something beyond. I tried to evolve on my journey to contentment and fulfillment as I took an exit from the highway of achievement. Still, my ego did not leave me. I changed my name from Ravi V. Melwani to RVM. My ego created a new brand for itself. I converted my retail business into a real estate business that would just give me rentals. I was free to travel around the world. I started my journey as an author and a speaker. I thought I was the happiest man in the world.
It was only when my spiritual master told me one day that I was an 'ignoramus' – that I knew nothing about the meaning of life, that my ego got a big jolt. By then, my ego had already experienced some humility as my Master had taught me the principles of happiness. He provoked me to go on a quest to discover who I truly was. I was now 46 years old, and I spent the next 2 years on this Talaash, or search for answers. When I started my quest, I was shocked to read 'Naan Yaar?' – 'Who am I?', a book by Ramana Maharishi that opened my eyes. I went on to reading the Upanishads, and several spiritual books by Adi Shankara, Vivekananda among others.
I experienced several realizations in my quest. The first was the realization of who we truly are. Most people don't know and don't even bother to know the truth about life. We appear to be this body, but I realized that we are neither the gross body which we can touch, feel or see, nor the subtle body that we experience. I realized we are the Divine Soul. I thus realized that I am not 'I' – the one I thought I was for 48 years. My life went through a transformation again as I realized that I will never die, that death is not the end. Ravi Melwani, the name I had adorned for over 48 years was just my identity. It was not me. Ravi Melwani would die, but the ME – the Mind and Ego, would be born again. As I studied the life of the Buddha, I realized the ultimate truth. It is so simply explained in the Kathopanishad. We have two options at death - either to be reborn as per our Karma or to be liberated and be united with God.
One day, my Guru sent me an equation which I could not understand at that time.
Man – Self = God
God + Self = Man
It was after a lot of contemplation that I realized what this truly meant. It actually meant,
Man – Ego = God
God + Ego = Man
I realized that as long as I am the Ego, I will never find God. If I decided to give up my Ego, then I was nothing. What remained? God!
My life went through a metamorphosis. I knew for sure that I was not Ravi Melwani. I never was. It was just my identity. It was my ego. My true identity was the Soul. I was Divinity that was manifesting in this body of Ravi Melwani. This realization made me change my name to AiR – Atman in Ravi. Atman means Soul or Spirit and my name now signified my realization that Ravi was just a body that was carrying me, the real me, the Atman, the Soul, the Spirit.
As long as we are alive, it is not easy to live as the Divine Spirit. There is a constant war within – a war between ME – the Mind and Ego on one side, and the Soul and the intellect on the other. Both these forces exist within and continue to fight a war within. If the ego is very strong, then with the mind, it will dominate and live as the ME, creating Karma and will take birth again. However, if our realization is complete, and there is the grace of the Guru and God, then we can transcend the Mind and Ego, and live as a Jivanmukta, a liberated Soul. Such a person has to live as a Sthitpragya, one with a steady intellect, till death.
Post my metamorphosis to AiR, I started a new journey, a journey that made me live in Satchitananda - a state of bliss. I lived blissfully, conscious of the truth of who I was. As I remained conscious of the reality, the Mind and Ego continued to attack me, so that they could dominate and defeat my realization. Even today, each day, the challenge continues for me to let go of the ego, so completely, that it disappears.
My Guru's guidance has helped in a big way. He always said – 'I am nothing, Thou art everything.' 'I am not, alone Thou art!' My Guru coached me spiritually to a level where there was no going back. He led me to realize the truth.
Once 'AiR' realized that he was not Ravi Melwani, that day Ravi Melwani was dead. Although Ravi was biologically alive, the one that was alive in Ravi had completely transformed and had let go of the ego. As long as we are alive, we cannot annihilate the ME, Mind and Ego. But if we transcend the ME, we can live fearlessly, without worry, stress, or anxiety.
One who lets go of the ego, realizes that we are no different from each other. We are all manifestations of the Divine. Such a person lives a life of peace, bliss, and joy.
How do I live as AiR? I try to live in constant Yoga, in union with the Divine, as I spend each moment as an instrument of God. I expect nothing and seek nothing and try to do the Divine will without letting the ego surface. I don't always succeed. But I try to be AiR each moment that I live. The ultimate goal is to live the Divine will till the last breath of this body, and then, if it be the grace of the Divine, to be liberated and to unite with God.
However, I have realized the most important truth - if I want God, I have to let go of the ego. It’s a choice and my decision is clear - to let go of the ego.
I am Nothing!
Thou art Everything.
- Dada J. P. Vaswani