“You have to learn the rules of the game. And then you have to
play better than anyone else.”
—Albert Einstein
Merit Alone Won’t Get You There
Becoming more influential isn’t about more money or more promotions. Playing the Influence Game is about understanding that top influencers play by an unspoken rulebook. Money and promotions often follow. But understanding the rulebook comes first.
You are born, or ingrained, with a rulebook that you subconsciously apply to most situations in your everyday, adult life. Think of Robert Fulghum’s wildly popular New York Times bestselling book, All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten. The hard truth is, sometimes the rulebook you followed and the ideas you were taught as a kid—such as “share everything” and “play fair”—work against your ability to create change and be effective in today’s business world.
Unknowingly, you may believe that if you’re really, really good, you shouldn’t have to point out your merit to other people. If you have written the best book on the planet, or you have developed the best system to help people succeed in business, the world should just notice. It’s true that merit is a major part of the equation for true influence. Yet merit alone won’t take you there. There is a skill set to learn.
Chances are you have beliefs that you don’t even know are there, beliefs that are affecting your ability to influence. One of the ideas I invite you to consider is that what you’ve been taught as a kid, or what you may have learned when you first learned to network in business, are actually the habits or beliefs that are in the way of you being taken seriously as an influencer.
Just like Janice, who believed that “Oprah would interview me if she knew me,” I see these beliefs in myself as much as I see them in others.
I see my own limiting beliefs one day as I digest an email from a potential member of the Evolutionary Business Council (EBC). The EBC is a collaborative organization of which I’m the founder, bringing leaders of vision together to expand global change.
The potential member is referring to a phone call on which Dr. Stephen Hobbs, owner of the WELLth Learning Network7, requested support.
Let me set some context.
Steve Hobbs changed my life.
It’s late 1999 and I’m in the audience at one of Steve’s events. He’s talking about the concepts in his book Living your Great Life and we’re doing an exercise around who we would be if we knew we could be anything. I’m deeply uncomfortable. The idea is causing me to really look at my job. I’m a leader and I like what I do. But I can’t say I love it. The excitement of my life doesn’t get me out of bed in the morning. It’s not what I would have dreamed of doing as a child.
The realization is a catalytic moment for me. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I am meant to leave my corporate job and start my own business.
Twelve years later Steve and I still have a deep mutual respect for one another. I credit my start as a speaker and writer, not to mention a good share of my success in business, to this man. I feel blessed to call him a mentor and friend. Likewise, as one of the founding members of the EBC, he has contributed to many members’ dreams in a similar fashion.
The EBC connects people. It’s what the EBC is based on. We create deep relationships with people we respect and admire and then connect them with others who are liked-minded. Many members of the EBC have this level of respect and relationship with Steve and with each other.
The potential member has recently been on one of the organization’s collaboration calls, where Steve has requested testimonials for his upcoming book, Help Them Help YOU Manage-Lead. I join the other members on the call in responding with an enthusiastic “hell, yes!” Having participated in Steve’s workshops and been a colleague of his for more than a decade, I know the quality of his work, the depth of his commitment to leadership, the level of his expertise. I know his relationship to integrity, to contribution and to excellence.
My respect for Steve is so great I support him unequivocally and without hesitation. The unspoken rule being that if something he’s doing isn’t a fit, or doesn’t resonate, I can bow out. I have the choice of saying yes or no at any time and I know that Steve, or any other member, will not take it personally.
In this same moment, the potential member sees that we EBC members said yes without first reading Steve’s book. For him it lacks integrity. He’s now emailing the entire membership, questioning the integrity of our organization.
I am at first shocked to see this showing up because I’m dealing with a successful businessman. Then it hits me: he doesn’t think it’s fair! He is emailing us with a complaint stemming from his unspoken rulebook. He doesn’t like that testimonials are being requested. His unspoken rule is, if the book truly has merit, people should just offer their praise. He also doesn’t like that people say “yes” before reading the book.
He misunderstands what our organization does, our mission, what it’s about, and most importantly, a very foundational pillar of the organization, which is the strength and depth of our relationships in business and in life. I realize, also, that he fundamentally misunderstands the rules of the Influence Game.
He has shown up on the rink in the last three minutes of the final period. He doesn’t know what went on in the game before he got there. The foundational problem is I’ve failed to give him a true sense of what’s going on in the game. More importantly my own belief of “the etiquette and rules should be obvious to him” is also in the way.
There are now unspoken rules being broken. Emailing that many influencers at once over a minor issue that could be resolved by picking up the phone is creating commotion in the organization. Emailing might have been appropriate in certain circumstances, but not in an organization of influencers.
I’m realizing, with embarrassment, the primary failure is mine. I put a player on the rink who has no idea of the rules of the game he’s stepping into and is not at all related to the other players.
Simply put, relationship marketing as a practice recognizes the long-term value of relationships as a basis for referrals, testimonials and support of any kind.
How many times has this happened to you: a close friend asks if you’d like to do something Thursday night, and you say yes before knowing the plan. You love and trust your friend, and you want to spend time together; it doesn’t really matter what you’re doing because you know you’ll have fun. Influential endorsement often works on that same level of trust.
In other words, if I’ve been doing business with you for years, or have a deep sense of relatedness to who you are, what you’re about and how your business runs, I will not hesitate to offer to endorse your book because I know, like and trust you. I already know your content, I have a sense of what your book will be about, I know you’re a great writer for the audience you serve and I can confidently know I will love the book. So I’m happy to say “yes” and then later read the book. That’s a high level of trust, and that’s what relationship marketing and the Influence Game is all about.
Working with my students, I discovered that many people have ingrained the reasonable idea that if you do really great work, the world should notice and beat a path to your door. As a result, you may carry a big list of “shouldn’ts” around in your back pocket, such as:
All of these “shouldn’ts” are based on a belief that selling yourself is wrong or bad or dirty. Consider that these beliefs can keep you two steps behind, no matter how hard you try to move forward. Consider that they are actually “shoulds” that, when done authentically, will contribute to your success. You could:
Authenticity and Purpose
“Efforts and courage are not enough without purpose and direction.”
—John F. Kennedy, Jr.
When you’re naturally in the flow of your purpose, the fame and influence will come as soon as you put the actions in place that garner fame and create influence. Influence requires you to take your place among the community of influential. And true influence stems from keeping your focus on serving others.
Do Exercise 1 and think about the area in which you want to hold influence. Do you want to be influential in the area you work or do you want to be influential in your passion? What endeavor do you most love? If you’re really lucky, your work and your passion are one and the same. If not, you’re going to have to choose what focus you’re working to hold influence in.
My students often tell me they have vastly underestimated the importance of this exercise early on in their learning of the Influence Game. Having a vision and knowing where you want to get to allows you to measure your progress as you move through these exercises.
You’re going to be revisiting this question after you do additional exercises in this chapter. If you’re struggling, just guess for now and come back and rework your answer later.
Think of this exercise as if you’re trying on coats; you have to try on a few before you know what coat you truly want to wear. Sometimes you may even buy the coat and keep it for years, simply because it’s close to what you want, but you’re not sure where that perfect coat is. For now just put on a coat. Pretend we’re looking in a mirror together and you might say things like “the arms are too long” or “it’s the wrong color.”
In the same way, you’re going to try on a brand. What area are you keen to hold influence in, what problem do you solve and for whom?
In trying your coat on, you’re going to see parts you don’t like and parts you really want to keep. But you won’t see that until it’s off the rack. Just grab a coat, any coat you think might be close, and let’s start.
Bragging vs. Shameless Self Promotion
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us’...”
—Marianne Williamson
“A lot of us have shame around self-promotion and mistake
it with its pushy cousin, bragging.”
—Shawne Duperon
When you read the phrase “shameless self-promotion,” what comes to mind for you: that stereotype of a greasy, inauthentic salesman, or a self-confident, helpful, passionate and talented individual who can help solve your problem?
The phrase “shameless self-promotion” can sometimes have a negative connotation. What would it be like to not feel shame when you share how you can assist others? Freeing? Powerful? Transcending shame is the foundation of personal power.
Another way of saying shameless self-promotion is by “owning and speaking your unique reason for being on the planet” to others with clarity and passion and without holding back.
How do you distinguish the difference between bragging and shameless self-promotion? It’s all in how you say it.
Emmy-award-winner Shawne Duperon is an expert in gossip and teaches the distinction between the two: bragging is a push; shameless self-promotion is a pull.
“It doesn’t really matter what you’re saying; it’s about how you’re saying it. Bragging is all about you. Shameless self-promotion is all about you with confidence.
When you’re in that bragging realm, it’s narcissistic, while shameless self-promotion is confident. When you’re bragging, chances are you’re in desperation mode. In contrast, when you’re shamelessly self-promoting, you’re in a deep love mode. When you deeply love what you’re doing, and you know the difference you can make, you will naturally talk about it because it would be a crime not to. When you come from that place, miracles start to manifest.
When you’re really good at shameless self-promotion, you don’t even need to open your mouth. Your way of being is confident and clear so that people naturally attract to you, especially those of influence.
Try saying “Can I brag?”
A great example is when you say to your four-year old niece ‘You’re so pretty,’ and the four-year-old replies in her sweet, innocent and endearing voice, ‘Yes, I am.’ It’s that place of being that is so lovely and so honest, where shameless self-promotion is authentic. It’s innocent and pure—versus when you ask a 16-year-old, who is ornery and annoyed, and their response is, ‘Yeah, whatever.’
Who you are being is more important than what you’re saying. When you’re in desperation, you’re in lack. And when you’re in lack, you can start feeling like you’re in that bragging energy. Bragging is inauthentic, and people can feel it and pick up on it quickly. It simply doesn’t work.”
Consider your dog or cat’s energy when they invite you to play. Your dog jumps up and down. The cat looks at you like you’re a bit dense until you get what her pressing a paw against your arm means. In both cases their energy is self-confident and magnetic. The dog is not bragging about how fast she can get the ball. She is simply running to invite you into the game.
When you stay in the mindset of being of service to others, you are on the love verses fear side of the spectrum. You stand in the realm of what you might call “love of your fellow man.” That’s a completely different context than, “I don’t like to brag”, “I need to brag about myself to be famous and influential” or “I need to brag about myself to bolster my self-worth.”
If you truly want to be of service to others, there may appropriately be a part of you that wants to be famous because you want your work to make a bigger impact. With fame and influence comes the ability to help more people. This type of desire for influence can be useful to yourself and others.
However, when your primary goal in life is to be famous, you’re barking up the wrong tree. If your motivation is to have a lot of people love you, your inner dialogue is desperate and you come across as bragging. When your motivation is to tell people about your work so you can help them, your inner voice is saying the same thing as your outer voice. You’re authentic.
Self-Promotion and Influence
Just as there is a difference between shameless self-promotion and bragging, there is also a difference between self-promoting and influence. Imagine a continuum, where bragging would be on one extreme end, self-promotion is in the middle and influence is at the other end.
To move into influence, you need to have the self-confidence to be able to shamelessly self-promote because you are impassioned by who you are. The key is to understand that it’s not your self-promotion that makes you famous or influential. That’s not the path to influence, but this step is foundational. This distinction is somewhat of a paradox.
Within the paradox, the key point to understand is that shameless self-promotion can’t make you influential, but an inability to talk about yourself with self-confidence or shame will stop you from becoming influential. If you’re not confident enough to assist others by demonstrating who you are, what your credentials are, and how you can help them, you won’t have other influential people feeling confident in talking about you in the same way.
Influencers naturally seek to help each other. A good hockey player will naturally prefer to pass the puck to a teammate whom they’re confident will know what to do with it when they receive it. Likewise an influential person is more confident making connections for you or endorsing you if they know you know the game.
Step one: when speaking with other influencers make sure they know what problem you solve for other people.
Influence vs. Fame
Which would you prefer—influence or fame? You may not have considered the question before, but understanding the difference will allow you to win effectively at the Influence Game.
Fame is when many people know you. Influence is when many know, like and trust you. Fame would be Kim Kardashian or Miley Cyrus. Influence would be Oprah Winfrey or Nelson Mandela.
It’s not enough just to have many followers who know of you; it’s about reaching that level where others know what you stand for, like you and will easily take recommendations from you.
Stop for a moment and think what a recommendation from one highly influential person would be worth to you. Think about what an endorsement could mean for you in the context of what opportunities you are seeking right now that might easily come to you.
Your answers to Exercise 3 will vary depending on how big you can think and on the capacity of your business. Recommendations from highly influential people can rapidly accelerate your career and grow your business exponentially. One key to becoming influential is that your career or business must be capable of growing. It’s one of the reasons many business experts recommend not restricting your business to being self-employed and charging by the hour. When you limit your business to the number of hours in your week, you have a limit to how rapidly you can expand as well as to the amount of money you make.
Pop Quiz: How ready are you for the Influence Game?
Which of the following beliefs is true for you?
[ ] I should not have to tell others about my work, they should notice.
[ ] I should not ask others to endorse me.
[ ] I think endorsing others is a nice gesture, but I typically don’t do it unless I’m approached.
[ ] If someone offers to endorse me, it would be wrong for me to suggest what they say.
[ ] The next time I meet an influential person, I should offer to buy them a coffee.
[ ] Social media is a waste of time.
[ ] People just use social media to sell themselves.
All of the above are possible limiting beliefs. While they could be effective in some circumstances (e.g., it can be very appropriate to buy a colleague a coffee), they may limit your ability to build influential relationships in a high-influence situation. To effectively play the Influence Game, re-wire them by focusing on the opposite positive action or belief.
Exercise 1: Where Do You Wish to Hold Influence?
Note: The exercises in this book are downloadable from the 30 Day Influence Challenge, which is a bonus program included with this book at www.MassInfluenceTheBook.com
1. Decide the area or topic in which you wish to hold influence. The area may be one or all of the following:
Audiences—Dry-land farmers, entrepreneurs, students in low-income neighborhoods, elderly).
Exercise 2: Introduce Yourself with Intention
For the next 24 hours, change how you introduce yourself to the following format:
I [solve what problem] for [what group of people].
Notice any difference in the way people respond to you and write it down.
Exercise 3: Estimate the Value of an Endorsement
Name three influential people whose endorsement could make a significant difference to your career or business.
1. ______________________________________________
2. ______________________________________________
3. ______________________________________________
Estimate, if they endorsed you, how many more people would know of your work?
_____________
Estimate what their endorsement of you would do for you financially
a) In new opportunities ($/year) ______________________
b) In increased sales ($/year) __________________________
c) In cost savings (e.g., reduced marketing) ($/year)_________