“You can go kicking and screaming, or you can just go.”
—Jennifer Hough
Habit #2: Authenticity
Confession time. I sometimes do business meetings in my garden while I randomly pull weeds. It’s a grounding act that helps me stay tuned into the person I’m with and connected to who I am.
Pulling weeds is a symbolic act for me. It’s a reflection of all those inauthentic parts of myself that don’t serve me. Anything that pulls me out of the conversation or moment I’m focused on can create a conversation in my head that is different than the one I’m having out loud.
When I’m nervous, when I’m worrying about my schedule, when I’m stuck on being right, when I’m coming from a place of looking good, when I scold myself and stay in my own shame —all of those are weeds to pull.
They choke out the growth of who I really am in the world: someone committed to being deeply of service to others, someone who stands for others stepping into their own leadership.
Weed daily—moment by moment.
Weed daily—moment by moment.
Anything that stops you from powerfully walking your path in life is inauthentic to who you are. They are random weeds to pull. Like gardening, it is an ongoing commitment, an ongoing noticing. It is not a task to check off your to-do list. The garden is not weeded once and then you are done. It is a moment-by-moment noticing of what has arisen that might need pulling to leave room for the flowers and fruits to flourish. I work on it daily.
Habit #2: —Influential people are authentic. Their inner voice agrees with what their outer voice is saying. They do something they deeply care about, and work with others they deeply respect.
The second habit that influential people consistently have is authenticity. People can spot a phony a mile away and they aren’t going to like and trust you if they think you’re a fake. You can become famous without authenticity, but it’s very difficult to become influential.
The more you are aligned with what you love doing, the more you’re going to feel real to people, the more they’re going to trust you. If your primary motivation for the line of work you’ve chosen is because it’s high-paying or you think it’s the best option available to you, then Exercises 9 and 10 in the next section will help you look at how to become more aligned with what you love.
If you’re not sure of the answer, in other words, you’re somewhere in the middle, it’s worthwhile for you to do the upcoming exercises. Please don’t interpret what I’m saying as “you can’t make a lot of money doing what you love.” Or that “you can’t love money and pursue money because you love it.” Though the love of money is not something I personally admire, there are people who have gained influence because they love money and are good at the pursuit of it. The focus here is on your primary motivator for why you do what you do. It’s cliché, but it’s important—do what you love and love what you do. Loving what you do is the foundation of authenticity.
Habit #2’s unspoken rule centers on authenticity: “Influencers will not take you seriously if you are inauthentic and only chase money or power. Know what you love and why you respect their work as a peer or they will lose respect for you.”
When influencers think you’re only chasing money and power, they don’t feel safe playing with you unless money and power is also what they love and chase. They will likely have their gatekeepers in the way of any relationship you’re trying to build.
The number one mistake I see my students make inside the habit of authenticity is not aligning yourself with your passion. I’d also call this practicing at business. If you catch yourself making any of the following statements, you are likely making this mistake:
Are you focusing on how you make money rather than focusing on the service that you want to bring to others? That’s not to say being of high service won’t make you a lot of money. Consider that if you’re just practicing at business, if you’re just doing some small “quick win” that no one really cares about, you’re going to have a lot of trouble making money. Why? Because nobody really cares about what you’re doing, including you.
I love the concept Jennifer Hough10 and Sheryl Sandberg11 both teach—to lean in. Far better to follow your passion and lean in the direction of those things you really love. You’ll be much better at doing them, you’ll solve a much bigger problem for others, and you’ll typically make a lot more money because people will be far more willing to buy whatever you’re selling.
Okay, I can hear what you might be saying right now, and you’re right to say it. Yeah, everybody has to pay the rent. Isn’t it okay to just pursue money at some point? The answer is absolutely yes, and no one who is authentic and of influence is going to hold it against you that you’re pursuing money for the sake of money in some part of your life. The distinction is, if your only reason for pursuing influence is money, then you’re into the realm beyond paying the rent. In other words, do what you have to do to meet your basic needs. But consider the risk to yourself if you trade away your influence for money. You will gain more influence when you align with what you really love, because that conversation is a lot more authentic to who you are. In the long run, you will likely make more money from having a higher level of influence.
If you don’t know what your passion is, you can do some exercises to focus on finding it. I’m not going to tell you to quit your job, change your company or make any radical shifts in your life. I simply want you to find a way that you can align the area you want to grow influence in with the things you love doing. We’re going to revisit the exercise we did in the last chapter. Skip this section if you’re clear you’re already doing what you love.
Your passion—that thing that will be easiest for you to hold influence in—probably lies in the convergence of what you love, what you’re good at and where you feel most useful.
Exercise 8: What’s Your Motivator?
Think for a moment about which of the following statements most accurately represents where you are at today:
a) I’m in my current line of work because it makes me a lot of money—if so, do exercises 9 and 10, or
b) My current line of work is my passion and I love helping people in this way—in which case you can skip exercises 9 and 10.
Unspoken Rule #3
Influencers will not take you seriously if you are inauthentic and only seek money or power. Know what you love and why you respect their work, as a peer, or they will lose respect for you.
Leaning in
After I had my really bad year, the only thing I was truly clear on was that I deeply wanted to change my life.
I decide to “fake it until I make it”. I look for the convergence of what I’m good at and the contribution I want to make in the world. I decide to take my hobby of writing children’s stories and poems for my kids and write children’s books to raise money for a charity I’m helping create, which supports schools in Africa. I align my creative side with my desire to transform the planet. I combine my work as a children’s author with my knowledge of how to generate energy around a cause or idea, something I’ve done for much of my career. In less than eight months, all three books are on bestseller lists.
Then something quite interesting happens. Dozens of people start approaching me. “Three bestsellers in eight months! How did you do that, Teresa?”
I vividly recall the day, having a cup of tea with Shawne, venting that I’m not really enjoying being a children’s author. I love writing the books, but going around to schools and doing kids’ programs isn’t really my thing. And I love teaching people how to create energy and influence around their work. But it makes me no money.
Shawne looks at me and says “Honey, if the universe is sending you a flood of something, maybe you should pay attention!”
Her statement turns on another light bulb in my head. I realize what I really love is helping leaders become more influential. I rebrand my business and change what I am doing.
Exercise 9: Your Passion in Your Work
1. Write a few sentences on each of the following
a) What do you most love doing?
b) What you are really good at?
c) What are your natural gifts and talents that come effortlessly and seamlessly to you?
2. Now write a few sentences on the biggest frustration you’ve ever overcome. Some examples are:
Whatever that biggest pain or frustration you’ve ever overcome, that’s something that’s going to be near and dear to your heart. Write it down.
3. If you could do one thing to better the world, to really help other people or to really serve other people, what would that thing be? Feel free to dream big because when we’re dealing with the influence world, the bigger you dream, the easier it is to create influence.
4. Look for opportunities that would be at the convergence of the above points. These are your coats to try on. Pick the one you think is the best fit. It’s the one that excites you the most.
I have never looked back. My life has been on fire ever since.
Consider the question: in what area do you want to hold influence? As you do Exercise 9, determine if there’s a way to align your work with your passion. For example, maybe you’re somebody who sells investments, but you love mountain climbing. You could, in fact, become influential in the conversation of mountain climbing and mountaineering and make great connections from people who would buy investments from you.
Once I realized my goal was to invest in and help grow thought leaders on the planet, creating the Evolutionary Business Council became an obvious next step. I only had to get past my own inner dialogue about not being worthy to lead an organization of emerging thought leaders.
Fast forward to the present day. My current goal is to have life-transforming principles reach 1.2 billion people on this planet by 2020 by supporting 1,200 emerging thought leaders to each reach and teach a million people. I chose this number for two reasons. First, my friend and EBC member Colin Sprake12 challenged me to put a meaningful number to my, and therefore the EBC’s, goal. I rolled up my sleeves and considered his challenge.
The second reason I chose it is because, according to the Law of Diffusion of Innovation13, once an idea has been adopted by the innovators (the first 2.5%) and the early adopters (the next 13.5%) of society, it is simply a matter of time before that new way of thinking becomes the norm. In other words, the global tipping point for society realizing that we can control our own lives when we learn to question and control our own thoughts is roughly 1.2 billion for the expected global population in 2020.
I could never have conceived of this goal even a year prior. Big vision comes from leaning in to living what you love. The fact that I am passionate about what I do gives me the courage to stand in such an outrageous goal. It also helps that I surround myself with other big thinkers like Colin Sprake who challenge me to play big.
The more you can bring your work and your passion together, the easier finding your area of influence will be. Take a moment to think outside the box.
As you lean more in the direction of building influence in your area of passion, you’ll find it’s easier and easier to open up opportunities in those areas that will also help you make money. Consider that you might make a lot more money doing what you love than doing something that just pays the bills. When you are authentically doing what you’re passionate about and good at, people and opportunities are naturally drawn to you. Your ability to sell goes up exponentially.
My colleague Kevin MacDonald14, a business leadership trainer, is a great example of this. Kevin is a former golf club manager and loves to golf. He has combined his training business with opportunities to work with large golf clubs and spends much of the year speaking, training and coaching in the places he most wants to golf. His clients, large golf-related organizations, love working with him because he not only understands, but is deeply passionate about their world.
Think about holding influence in that area of your passion, so that you make it easy for yourself to eventually shift into that being your work or your business.
The second big mistake you can make around authenticity is not choosing who you want to play with based on fully respecting that person. Pandering to people who you don’t really like simply because they have influence and power will not serve you and it will not serve them. Again, people spot a phony a mile away.
Exercise 10: Align with Your Heart
1. What is it that you love about what you’re already doing? The more you can connect with doing it for reasons of passion and joy, rather than simply for the money, the easier it will be for you to build influence in the area of what you already do.
2. Consider changing what you’re doing. You can do this in one of two ways:
a) The Radical Shift—If you feel you can take the risk, start up a new company or completely change professions. Sometimes a right-hand turn is liberating and exactly what’s needed.
b) The Small Shift—Give yourself permission to do a little bit less of those things that you’re doing just for the money to open up some space in your life. Then start doing certain things aligned with what you really love. For many people this approach gets you to your goal far more rapidly than the radical shift. The small shift might include focusing on doing the work you currently do with a group of people more aligned with your passion. For example, become influential at your hobby of working with immigrants as a means to bring in immigrant clients to your real estate business.
3. Choose one of the above options as you move forward with the exercises in this book.
When Do You Walk Away from a Relationship?
Walking away from a relationship is a tough topic for me. I’m a recovering conflict avoider —I used to prefer walking away from a relationship over dealing with the conflict. And what happens in business reflects what happens in personal life.
If someone is treating you with disrespect, or you consistently disagree with what they advocate, there’s a point when walking away becomes appropriate. Staying and pretending you don’t care is inauthentic and an insult to you and them. Creating influence includes discernment of who you want to be in relationship with —whether it is your following, colleagues or personal relationships.
When an influencer ignores you, however, it may simply be a case that their level of influence is considerably higher than yours. The questions to ask yourself are
1. Have you invested enough time and energy to make the relationship work for them? and
2. Have you ensured there’s something in the relationship for them? An example of this would be a reporter. If they reach millions, it may take years of helping them get good stories to sufficiently develop relationship.
If the answers are yes, then it might not be a fit.
When you can walk away in a mindset of kindness and respect, you are walking towards authenticity and personal power.
Choosing When to Walk Away
1. Have you been clear and simple about your requests?
2. Are you endorsing someone whose views or behaviors you don’t agree with?
3. In the case where there is a significant difference regarding the level of influence you and they hold, have you invested in the relationship sufficiently to see if they would respond?
Bottom line, how does it feel? Trust your heart to know when it’s time to walk away.