"The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them."
Ralph Nichols
By John M. Grohol, Psy.D.
The studies on average say we spend 70-80% of our waking hours in some form of communication. Of that time, we spend about 9 percent writing, 16 percent reading, 30 percent speaking, and 45 percent listening.
Key Points
Restating
To show you are listening, repeat every so often what you think the person said — not by parroting, but by paraphrasing what you heard in your own words. For example, “Let’s see if I’m clear about this. . .”
Summarizing
Bring together the facts and pieces of the problem to check understanding — for example, “So it sounds to me as if . . .” Or, “Is that it?”
Minimal Encouragers
Use brief, positive prompts to keep the conversation going and show you are listening — for example, “umm-hmmm,” “Oh?” “I understand,” “Then?” “And?”
Reflecting
Instead of just repeating, reflect the speaker’s words in terms of feelings — for example, “This seems really important to you. . .”
Giving Feedback
Let the person know what your initial thoughts are on the situation. Share pertinent information, observations, insights, and experiences. Then listen carefully to confirm.
Emotion Labeling
Putting feelings into words will often help a person to see things more objectively. To help the person begin, use “door openers” — for example, “I’m sensing that you’re feeling frustrated . . . worried . . . anxious. . .”
Probing
Ask questions to draw the person out and get deeper and more meaningful information for example, “What do you think would happen if you . . .?”
Validation
Acknowledge the individual’s problems, issues, and feelings. Listen openly and with empathy, and respond in an interested way — for example, “I appreciate your willingness to talk about such a difficult issue. . .”
Effective Pause
Deliberately pause at key points for emphasis. This will tell the person you are saying something that is very important to them.
Silence
Allow for comfortable silences to slow down the exchange. Give a person time to think as well as talk. Silence can also be very helpful in diffusing an unproductive interaction.
“I” messages
By using “I” in your statements, you focus on the problem not the person. An I-message lets the person know what you feel and why — for example, “I know you have a lot to say, but I need to. . .”
Redirecting
If someone is showing signs of being overly aggressive, agitated, or angry, this is the time to shift the discussion to another topic.
Consequences
Part of the feedback may involve talking about the possible consequences of inaction. Take your cues from what the person is saying — for example, “What happened the last time you stopped taking the medicine your doctor prescribed?”
7 Communication Blockers By John M. Grohol, Psy.D.
These roadblocks to communication can stop communication dead in its tracks:
1. “Why” questions. They tend to make people defensive.
2. Quick reassurance, saying things like, “Don’t worry about that.”
3. Advising — “I think the best thing for you is to move to assisted living.”
4. Digging for information and forcing someone to talk about something they would rather not.
5. Patronizing — “You poor thing, I know just how you feel.”
6. Preaching — “You should. . .” Or, “You shouldn’t. . .”
7. Interrupting — Shows you aren’t interested in what someone is saying.
5 Simple Conversation Courtesies
1. “Excuse me…”
2. “Pardon me….”
3. “One moment please…”
4. “Let’s talk about solutions.”
5. “May I suggest something?”
Source: National Aging Information & Referral Support Center
Stephen R. Covey writes in his book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People is so relevant to effective communication “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”
Leigh Espy uses the AFFORD method
The acronym AFFORD can help you remember the elements to listening full. If you want to ensure you’re truly listening fully when someone is speaking to you – especially if the conversation is important or with someone you care about – keep the following components in mind.
Attention. Give the speaker your full attention when you speak with them. Turn your body toward them. Look at them and even look them in the eye. Don’t multitask, but rather be fully present with them. And let them know you’re listening by giving active motions or indications, such as nodding your head, saying “yes” or making appropriate facial expressions.
Focus on their message. Focus on what they speaker is saying. Don’t think about your argument, what you’re going to say next, or your grocery list.
Feelings behind the message. If you’re conversing about a sensitive topic that involves conveying feelings, listen for what those feelings are. Identify how the speaker feels about the topic they’re sharing with you.
Observe body language. Check to see if the body language backs up what the speaker is saying. Does it reinforce the message, strengthen it, or is it incongruous with what the speaker is telling you. If your co-worker tells you she’s happy you got a promotion, but she’s got her arms folded, is avoiding eye contact and frowning, she’s likely not telling you the truth.
Rephrase or restate the message. If you want the speaker to really feel heard, and you want to reinforce that you’re hearing correctly, rephrasing the message is a great way to do that. Even just summarizing and restating briefly can help.
Determine your understanding. Determine if you understand correctly if necessary. Especially if you’re unclear about the message and need to validate your understanding. After listening to the speaker, and paraphrasing back to them, you can simply ask, “do I understand correctly?” And if you’re still not clear, you can even say, “tell me more about that.”
Notable Quote
“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us.” Western Union internal memo, 1876.
Suggested Reading
The Lost Art of Listening, Second Edition: How Learning to Listen Can Improve Relationships by Michael P. Nichols
You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters by Kate Murphy
Point of Reflection
“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”
George Bernard Shaw