Mediation Demystified
KRIS FLAMMANG
Take us through your background and how you found your current career.
CHRISTINA FLORAND
My background from an education standpoint is in psychology and criminology. But ever since I was a little kid, I loved Scooby-Doo. I loved the problem solving, the “who done it” kind of thing. My favorite shows were Murder She Wrote and Matlock. I loved the legal system, and the psychology behind the who done it. That has always been with me. And even though I've done other things in my career path, this is where I've landed because it speaks to who I am as a person.
KRIS FLAMMANG
I liked Scooby-Doo too. For people that might not know, is there a simple way to explain when or why people should consider mediation instead of using the court system?
CHRISTINA FLORAND
There's nothing wrong with using the court system. It's just that it's extraordinarily formal, and if somebody isn't well versed in it, they could end up doing harm to their case instead of good. Mediation is the opposite. It's a very informal setting and you don't have to know the rules of procedure and the courtroom. So, it gives people an opportunity to resolve the conflict they find themselves in. We try to work things out among ourselves for as long as so we possibly can, but when it doesn’t resolve, things tend to escalate. Mediation is a really nice option to resolve the conflict prior to it escalating, when you’re just going round and round with somebody, regardless of the subject matter.
KRIS FLAMMANG
That makes a lot of sense. Is there a big misconception people might have about your line of work or the industry?
CHRISTINA FLORAND
I think the bigger issue is that people don’t know it's out there as an option. People don't realize they can call on a mediator to help them resolve a conflict with or without getting an attorney involved. Many cases are going to be ordered to mediation by the court anyhow, because the court often wants you to attempt to resolve the issue yourselves prior to a ruling. In fact, thinking that the court is going to rule on something right away is probably a big misconception. They usually don't. They almost always will order you to mediation to give you the opportunity to see if you can resolve it yourself with a neutral third party.
KRIS FLAMMANG
It’s too bad more people don’t know about it, because it’s a really good option. In fact, you didn’t know about it yourself before you got into this field. Share that story.
CHRISTINA FLORAND
Unbeknownst to me, I have always taken a very neutral stance and a more objective place in people's disputes. I would be working with people, and a conflict would arise in an office-type setting, and I was pretty quick to see where the problem was and start to address it with them. I’d go to one of them and say something like, “It sounds like this is the part that really bothers you about this,” and move toward a resolution. Because once emotions get in, solutions start to fade into the background. One day, someone told me, "You should be a mediator." At the time, I didn’t even know that was a job. But it stuck with me, and years later when I was finding myself in transition, I decided to look into it, and here I am.
KRIS FLAMMANG
What do you like best about it?
CHRISTINA FLORAND
What I really love, not just about this profession, but life in general, is helping people to empower themselves to make their choices. When we put things into somebody else's hands, sometimes we regret how that came out. As a mediator, I feel I can really help people to stay in control of the outcome. Something you hear people say a lot about mediation is that nobody wins and nobody loses. In fact, if you walk out of mediation just a little bit ticked off, it probably went well. Sometimes you have to let go of certain things in order to achieve others.
But I think the point of it being your case, not necessarily a case that's being led by a judge or attorney, makes people feel better about the whole thing. I think they learn from it. It can demystify the court system. People come out thinking, “I didn’t realize I could resolve it this way.” And then it's done. They don't have to proceed on with a court hearing or anything, which is really nice for people.
Sometimes parties come to me that have worked with attorneys, and didn't feel they got to where they wanted to be. They'll bring the case to a mediator pro se, meaning without attorneys. I’m curious, so I ask them about the process. "How did this feel to you? Did you feel more hands-on?" They say, “Yes, this was totally different. Before, I felt like I was being spoken for instead of being the speaker." In a mediation process, I'm there to kind of help them put it onto paper.
KRIS FLAMMANG
They're still empowered to make the decisions. But you're taking that leadership role in walking them through. I'm curious, of all the different areas of mediation that you can help with, which one do you feel is the most overlooked?
CHRISTINA FLORAND
That's interesting. The one I would say is probably overlooked is simple contract writing. People do that among themselves all the time. But if you're trying to do that, and you're at odds, that's a good time to bring a mediator in and work out those last few details of your contract.
KRIS FLAMMANG
When someone initially sits down with you, I'm sure you go through and ask them a lot of questions, and try to find out as much as you can. Are there some common fears or concerns that people generally share with you about mediation?
CHRISTINA FLORAND
I do a lot of family mediation, so a lot of my comments go back to that, but I think a lot of the fear is that once it gets in front of a judge, say it's court ordered, the judge is going to undo it. I get it, the judge can do what they want, so it's a legitimate concern. But for the most part, if I'm doing my job properly, and I make sure there's not an unequal balance, then they really don’t. They don't scrutinize it and say, "Oh no, this doesn't make sense. You can't do this." But that's a big fear or perhaps a misconception that people ask me about a lot.
KRIS FLAMMANG
I could see that because everyone generally is intimidated by the legal system. Can you think of a recent client experience that was really satisfying for you? Obviously without sharing details or names, talk about what they were trying to accomplish and how you were able to help them or improve their situation so they walked away much better than when they came in.
CHRISTINA FLORAND
Not one specific case, but in all my mediations, obviously we hope for an outcome of signing a contract. That happens more often than not, and when it doesn’t, I’m usually in agreement. I might suggest that they take some time, or take it and show it to somebody. That’s something else people don’t realize about mediation, that you can do what’s called a continuation, where you can essentially pause things. That said, parties are not supposed to be breaking confidentiality at that point. But it's done in an effort to gather information, not to use that info against one another. Just to say, "I just want to get some guidance on this." Maybe they talk to their financial expert, or a tax person, or an attorney, just to have somebody look over it before signing. You can continue a mediation that way. Or you can table a certain portion of it.
You can even bring your financial advisor into a mediation. A lot of parties do that when they're doing a family mediation and there are assets involved. Or they might bring a tax person. That happens in collaborative divorce. The attorney speaks to the legal issues, and the financial advisor speaks to the assets, and so on. Sometimes there’s even a mental health counselor as well.
KRIS FLAMMANG
So, both parties feel like they got a solution and then they can move forward with their lives.
CHRISTINA FLORAND
Sometimes when people are going back and forth and back and forth with attorneys, it just becomes so daunting and so exhausting they almost give up, or when they look at the money and time they’ve spent, it becomes so frustrating. Whereas if you just can resolve it in mediation, the stress level can be brought down substantially, and it can be resolved so much faster.
I get a ton of satisfaction out of it, and maybe I just take it for granted because I'm so used to them all coming together. Because I try to be really clear with people that this is their mediation, and they know this for them to resolve it, not for me. I'm just there to help. So, they’re coming in with that good faith mindset that they're going to come to a conclusion on it.
KRIS FLAMMANG
That's really well said. I want to shift gears a bit and talk about your early memories of money. Can you think of a first memory or experience you had with money? Perhaps when you were growing up?
CHRISTINA FLORAND
I always loved having the money to buy things. I remember when I was perhaps in second grade, having change and being able to go into a store and buy a pack of gum. Then when I was a teenager, and I got money from my parents for having good grades, and from my grandparents for a birthday, and I’d have some money sitting around, so a friend and I would walk over to Walmart or Target and we'd shop for little lotions or perfumes or makeup. I loved that.
I know I've always good with money, but I also have liked it. It gives you options, and I think that's what I like. I like to be able to say, "Oh, I can do this with it.” I've taught my daughter that. When she was younger and we were in stores and I didn’t want to buy something that she wanted, I would say to her, "Well, I'm not going to buy this for you, but if you'd like to buy it with your own money, you're certainly welcome to." So, she had to stop and think, how important was that to her? Was it worth it? I think that's a good lesson for kids to learn early on.
KRIS FLAMMANG
Along those same lines, do you have any experiences working with people in mediation that made you keenly aware of either the positive or negative effect that money can have?
CHRISTINA FLORAND
Well, I can tell you it is a fascinating thing how when people's romantic relationships fall apart, we grasp to the security of the money. A lot of these cases end up coming down to some sort of money. I don’t know why we attack when something has gone wrong or someone has done something, but that’s our way of somebody feeling like justice has been served. There's been this monetary exchange of some sort for a wrong that's been done.
KRIS FLAMMANG
I think what you said about seeking justice is very insightful. I see that a lot when I'm dealing with couples that are splitting up, where that's the biggest part of contention.
CHRISTINA FLORAND
Money gives us a sense of security. But our relationships do first and foremost. I think when an important relationship stops giving you the security you need, you go to “Money gives me security. I've lost that sense of stability that I had with this relationship. Let me see what I can do to manage the money part of it.” I think it's just a very natural human nature thing that we do, maybe without even realizing we're doing it. But it ties to the emotion of the security and the relationship being lost.
KRIS FLAMMANG
Let's lighten things up a little bit. If you were given the time and the opportunity, what do you think is something worth splurging on?
CHRISTINA FLORAND
For me, it's travel hands down. I love to travel. I will travel and spend thousands of dollars traveling before I would spend $100 on a shirt. I love to see how other people live their lives. I’ve always been fascinated by people, hence the degree in psychology. I just love to see how other people are doing things. There isn’t just one way, and what is normal in one area could be completely abnormal in another. I find that really fascinating.
KRIS FLAMMANG
We have those blinders on, and we think the whole world operates that way, but it’s just how we do it in our country or even in our area. What’s the number-one place you've been, and what’s the one place you really want to get to?
CHRISTINA FLORAND
I’ve been to so many great places, but I really enjoyed my trip to Thailand. And I want to get to India or Greece. It’s a tie.
KRIS FLAMMANG
What do you think is your biggest life accomplishment so far? This could be either personally or professionally.
CHRISTINA FLORAND
I think being a parent is huge life accomplishment. Because it's hard. You have kind of this mirror facing back at you like, “Why am I getting mad about that?” It’s also an extraordinarily insightful experience. And it's a personal accomplishment, even though I can't say I’ve accomplished it yet. My daughter's just entering high school, and if you ask her, I’m stinking it up totally.
But I think just getting through my own divorce and landing back on my feet is an accomplishment. Just putting those pieces back together, and knowing I had what I needed inside the support system around me to rebuild. And now to just build this fabulous business, and to be chatting with people like you. I also teach a course for the Women's Resource Center to help people. So, it's kind of been one gift after another and one accomplishment after another that I have been just fortunate to have had the courage to pursue.
KRIS FLAMMANG
Talk a little more about the Women's Research Center. It’s quite a project.
CHRISTINA FLORAND
Years ago, I was on a board of directors for a non-profit for children for social and emotional wellness. I met this really fantastic woman who was similar in wanting to pay it forward, do something good for people in the community. In chatting, we said, "What if we put this program together?" So, we did. Basically, it’s an eight-week empowerment course. Then we said, "Well, who are we going to teach this to?"
We were fortunate enough to have the Women's Resource Center pick it up. It's called “You Are Worthy, Learning to Raise Your Own Bar,” and we teach it twice a year, including once a year for either Family Promise or Our Mother's House. It’s been a really cool opportunity to have put something like that together.
I like to do program development. I developed another program called CMACS, which is conflict management, avoidance and coping skills, and was lucky enough to teach that in the school system for a little bit. When you have good information, and you think it can help people and somebody's willing to pick it up and let you teach it, it's worth sharing. People have taught me; I am an information gatherer. Even going back to the Scooby-Doo thing, it's like picking up all the little pieces and what can we do with this?
KRIS FLAMMANG
That's how we all grow. If you weren't doing what you’re doing now, what would you be doing? Did you have some type of desire growing up?
CHRISTINA FLORAND
I have to say, since I was really into psychology and the legal system, I have kind of lived my dreams. If I weren't doing this, maybe I would be doing some life coaching or something for people. That would probably be the next thing of just helping people to reach their dreams. Showing them what you need to do, and what that looks like, and how to achieve that.
KRIS FLAMMANG
In respect to your industry, things are always changing. Laws are always changing. How do you stay on the cutting edge, and stay up on all those changes?
CHRISTINA FLORAND
Remember, I am not coming at this as an attorney. Something else people may not realize about mediation is that I work for the Florida Supreme Court. I answer to them. I have to be court-certified, and I have a board that looks over me to make sure I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing ethically. When I enter into a mediation, I have to give an opening statement, and part of that is that we are neutral parties and we cannot give any legal advice.
So, as it pertains to how things are changing legally, that is not my lane. If parties want that, and sometimes they have a lot of legal questions, I have a wonderful plethora of attorneys at my disposal that do different things. If I can't help them, I will point them in a direction to talk to somebody who can, and sometimes that person is an attorney.
KRIS FLAMMANG
Having those resources is invaluable. I find that when people need help which I can’t provide, having that network of people you can trust and refer to people is important because they feel like they're taken care of.
CHRISTINA FLORAND
Yes, because I can’t help everybody. Something else people don’t always understand about mediation is that both people have to want to mediate. If both parties don't want to do it, there is no mediation. Your goal may be to get in front of the judge. If the court orders you to mediation, you have to show up, but you don't have to stay and mediate. As the mediator I'm required to tell the court who showed up at the mediation, but the court does not get to hear what happened in that mediation, good or bad. If you showed up, but there was no agreement reached, I file that there was an impasse or no agreement, and that’s what goes to the court. So, people still have that option.
KRIS FLAMMANG
What do you think is the biggest challenge for you currently in your business?
CHRISTINA FLORAND
When I’m contacted by one party and they want to mediate, then I have to figure out the best way to reach out to the other party, because they’re going to be under the assumption that I’m no longer neutral since the other person found me first. When I bring in the other person, are they going to feel like they’re already on the losing end? But again, there isn’t a losing end. It’s not my mediation, it’s theirs. I try very hard to keep everything as transparent as possible between parties.
KRIS FLAMMANG
I’m sure you’ve been in a group which includes a doctor, and everybody starts asking the doctor medical questions. Or they ask a lawyer legal questions. I’m going to do that with you. If you could give us one piece of advice on resolving conflict in our own lives, what would that be?
CHRISTINA FLORAND
Seek first to understand, not to be understood. When you’re in a dispute with someone, they need to know that you get it. I was in a mediation this week, and the two parties were really going at it. But they just needed to know that they were heard. Because sometimes people will explain and explain because the other person doesn't agree with them. They’re thinking, “You don’t agree, you must not get it.” That can go on and on from both sides.
As the mediator, I have to make them stop talking to each other and just talk to me. Assure them both that I get their vantage point, and then say, "You guys don't agree. He's not willing to do that. She's not willing to do that." Then it becomes a question of whose issue it is. Which party has to have that and why? Then talk about the other options they have if the other party doesn’t agree with them and isn’t willing to come to their side, or perhaps not even come to the middle. What are the options?
KRIS FLAMMANG
I think, in a nutshell, you just described how the heart of what you do is trying to take the emotion out of it the best you can, and come to some kind of an agreement. As we wrap up, do you feel there’s a question I should have asked you, or would you like to expand on something you said earlier?
CHRISTINA FLORAND
When you are more interested in understanding why something is important to somebody else, and why it is bothersome to them, when you understand their needs, it makes a much clearer picture. That’s why I ask questions like, "Why does that matter?" or, "Ideally, what would it look like to you? What would be the solution that you would like to see?"
Opening it up to understanding why this person has a problem with it, and helping to see if you can resolve it, that’s the key. Instead of, "This is what I want," and, "This is why I want this,” if you can flip that and try to understand why it’s what they want, that's the starting point of getting to the other side.
KRIS FLAMMANG
Thank you helping people understand the mediation process, and why it can be such a valuable option.