Chapter Four: The Bawdy Confessions of a Radio Dee Jay
The title of the book is obviously a reference to the comedian/broadcaster Howard Stern who has amassed an immense fortune with his offbeat, controversial and unique program.
The fact that the show has lasted decades and has earned him hundreds of millions of dollars is testimony to his talent. Younger readers may find it hard to imagine, but in the radio world of the 1940s through the 1960s, nobody said ‘hell’ or ‘damn’ on the radio and certainly no broadcaster ever hurled “F” bombs even once, let alone every five seconds.
For better or worse, we have Howard Stern to blame or credit (pick one) for the state of radio today. Stick with me here. I will get to the ‘bawdy confessions’ in a couple of pages.
But first, I want to take you back to those thrilling days of yesteryear when nobody swore on radio.
W.C. Fields wanted to swear on radio. W.C. Fields was arguably the funniest comic of the first half of the 1900s. On radio, he appeared regularly on the Edgar Bergen and Charlie McCarthy program.
Now it must be said that Mr. Fields had the reputation of a drunk. During the early days of World War Two, after the bombing of Pearl Harbor, Fields brought a hand truck to a liquor store and bought six cases of gin.
A friend saw him returning and said, “Bill why did you buy six cases of gin?”
“I think it’s going to be a short war.” Fields replied.
The jokes about Fields and booze would fill an entire volume. Here’s another.
“I always keep a flask of whiskey around in case of snakebite,” he said. “I always keep a little snake around too,” he added.
One of the funniest jokes about Fields and liquor may actually have happened and it may be the reason why Mae West refused to work with him again, even though they had made one of the most successful films ever; “My Little Chickadee.”
She was offered a fortune to make more films with the red faced comic but never gave in. Mae West had a reputation as a wild and wanton woman, but she simply could not stand Fields because of his drinking.
Here’s what Fields had to say about his drinking on the set………
I did drink at work, but I disguised it by putting my whiskey in a lemonade container. One time a smartass took out my booze and substituted lemonade for it. I took a swig and almost choked to death. I screamed out...what damn fool put lemonade in my lemonade?
During his appearances on the highly rated Edgar Bergen and Charlie McCarthy show, W.C. Fields may or may not have been consuming liquor, but he was consumed by anger.
It was only a radio show and Charlie McCarthy was only a puppet/dummy operated by Edgar Bergen, but in the comic exchanges between Fields and Charlie, W.C. got so angry that he wanted to strangle Charlie.
Whether it was character acting or he was truly enraged, even Edgar Bergen didn’t know.
Keep in mind that in those days, a performer could not say ‘damn’ or any swear word. But that did not stop W.C. Fields. He invented a clever way to vent his anger on the vent doll by saying “God Damn you Charlie”, without actually spelling it out.
He said instead, “Godfrey Daniels, Charlie!” The radio listener knew what he meant but even the censors couldn’t stop W.C. Fields and his G.D. Charlie rant.
Although speech on radio was heavily monitored and censored…it was radio and the censors could not see behind the microphone. Radio is actually television without the picture.
No picture! That was the beauty of radio. People would listen to their favorite radio announcer and imagine him in a luxurious setting, attired in a white tux with black tie and vest. In reality, he was wearing faded blue jeans and a grubby tee shirt with coffee stains on the front.
Dateline: Boston, Mass. Metropolitan Area
Population: 7.6 million people, the fifth largest metro area in the U.S.
The Time: The early 1960s.The tail end of radio, just before it died.
The Station: Let's just say that it was not unlike the one depicted in the TV program WKRP in Cincinnati except that it was New England and the station was bigger than the one on the television show.
The Names: Have been changed to protect the innocent and the guilty and those still living.
For this story, I will call the station WXXX and I will inform you that WXXX had its own version of the 'hot' receptionist played by WKRP's lovely Loni Anderson.
The WXXX receptionist, Marion, unlike her TV counterpart, was grossly overweight; which made it hard for her sparkling personality to show through. Determined to change her unhappy situation, she went on a strict diet and in a single year, shed some 80 pounds. Marion went from well over 200 pounds on a frame not much over five feet tall, to a curvy and flattering 135. Her mousy brown hair, was transformed into brilliant blond. Her pretty face morphed into a palette of deftly applied reds, greens, and violets that combined to give her the appearance of an elegant doll come to life.
Life should have been perfect for Marion at this point - but the sudden blossoming of her good looks had brought an intense need for her to show off her charms to men; or perhaps I should say to every man.
The two main studios of WXXX faced each other. A glass wall between the two provided for visual communication from the one studio to the other. At the top of the hour, the Dee Jay on duty spinning records in Studio A, was able to see when the newsman walked into Studio B.
Conversely the newsman, reading from his stack of pages, could see in the other studio when the Dee Jay walked out for a quick break while the news was on.
So, imagine now that you are John, the newly hired newscaster at WXXX. You are seated in the studio delivering your first broadcast. The Dee Jay has just left and as you get to the second page in your stack of news, Marion dances her way into Studio A.
Though you are intent upon your work, you cannot help but notice out of the corner of your eye, Marion is doing a strip tease in the opposite studio. With practiced ease, she quickly slips out of her pretty pink dress. When she gets down to bra and panties, she picks up her dress and leaves the studio.
Equally relieved and disappointed, you go back to concentrating 100 per cent on delivering a flawless presentation of the news, proud that you did not 'break up' during Marion's imitation of Blaze Starr - a Burly Q headliner of the 1950s and 60s.
As you are halfway through an item reporting that Jack Ruby has been sentenced to death for killing Lee Harvey Oswald, John Kennedy's killer; the door to studio B silently swings open. The aroma of 'Chanel Number 5' announces the presence of Marion - still attired only in bra and panties, both of which she snatches away as you steal a peek.
As you get further into the grisly story of Ruby, Oswald, and the late President Kennedy, she walks up behind you, pushes her ample bosoms into your back, and wraps her arms around you.
Modesty prevents me from deeper description, so let's just say that while you are struggling to present the news to your unseen audience, Marion is struggling to undo your belt and unzip your fly.
You are now three minutes into the broadcast, which will run for five minutes. The Disc Jockey will probably be back in the other studio shortly after the four minute mark. So for sixty seconds you will have to endure the touch of a beautiful, naked, and busty blond gently massaging your very center - and you will have to accomplish this while still doing a live reading of your newscast and giving no audible sign to your unseen audience that anything is going on other than the reading of the news.
In mid-stroke, the door of the other studio slowly begins to open as the announcer returns. Marion with blazing speed, abandons her task, picks up her clothes and vanishes. John holds up brilliantly under the assault and completes his initial broadcast with success and no audible sign of what had transpired other than one quick 'uuhm' sound when she first touched him.
After speaking for a moment with the Disc Jockey, John leaves Studio B and walks to the receptionist's office where Marion, now fully dressed, is busily typing out the next day's Station Log (a sheet for the announcers listing the station's programs and the times scheduled for advertising messages).
"Hi John", beams Marion as he approaches her desk. "Did you enjoy your first newscast? If you did, I have a feeling you might have a similar experience next hour.”
"Hello Marion. I loved doing that broadcast, but it wasn't long enough. I told the Dee Jay that my next report will be fifteen minutes long. I'll see you at the top of the hour!"
The End