Avoiding Conflict and Stress
“Don’t let yesterday take up too much of today.”
— Will Rogers, humorist
First we must identify the two types of stress: Distress and Eustress. “Distress” is the bad stress that we all hate and try to avoid. It’s the stress from the loss of a loved one, the feeling of depression, or pressure from work, anything negatively stressful. “Eustress” is the good or healthy stress that is actually beneficial to us. “Eu” comes from the Greek prefix for “healthy.” Eustress comes from things such as, but is not limited to: working out, pressure from having to perform well, and experiencing new challenges. Eustress can help motivate you and, in some cases, increase your performance.
Now let’s get into avoiding conflict and distress. Do you want to be happy, or do you want to be right? Avoiding conflict and distress can be very easy. The first thing to realize is that only you determine what you let upset you. Nothing can upset you unless you let it. By strengthening your mind, you begin to gain control over how you interpret things. The more control over your mind you have, the less stress you will have in your life. So practicing strengthening your mind every day is very important. How does any expert at anything become so good? They practice being perfect at what they do every day. They find the best strategies to achieve greater success and constantly practice until they can no longer get it wrong. By simply taking action to strengthen your mind every day, you are working on one of the ultimate skills a person can acquire — control over one’s own mind. This requires constant dedication.
Think of your mind as if it were your house. You wouldn’t let bad things into your house, and you shouldn’t let bad things into your mind. You’re actually able to leave your house, but you’re stuck with your mind wherever you go. So it’s even more important to monitor what you let enter your mind. Think of your mind as if it had a gatekeeper. Before anything can enter, it must be on the list. Your list is all the things that are important to you and that make you happy or better you in some way. So, before you allow yourself to focus very long on anything, make sure it’s on the list — or don’t let it in.
Your reticular activation system is a part of your brain that allows you to focus on things. It also acts as a filter for your brain and maintains proper mental functions by blocking out things that would disturb or overwhelm your brain. Your reticular activation system plays a huge role in your ability to block out stress. By constantly focusing on things that make you happy, you release more chemicals in your brain that make you happy and feel good. Begin telling yourself every day when you wake up, “Today will be a great day, because I will make it so.” When anything negative happens in your life, you must mentally focus on what I call “Your Top 3,” which are what you use to rewire your brain from a negative thought to a positive thought. Your Top 3 should be three things that make you extremely happy when you think of them. Examples: A moment you cherished with a loved one on a vacation, being at the beach, accomplishing something great, a song that you love, your amazing future ahead of you, your car or any other material object that you cherish — the list is endless. Just pick three things that, when you focus hard enough on them, can distract you from the negative thoughts that would normally cause you stress.
Take deep breaths while you focus on your Top 3. Taking a few slow, deep breaths throughout the day is also a wonderful way to help stay stress free.
Remember, by not focusing on stress, it is hard to be stressed. You have control over your brain. So focus on your Top 3 more often — or on anything that makes you happy — and you’ll be happy more often.
Deepak Chopra does a wonderful job describing how to disconnect from stress. He says, “We’re all bigger than this earth. It’s only when you can disconnect from the earth that you begin to understand peace. Stress was created by us. It’s part of the earth because we are part of the earth. When you can disconnect from the earth, you can disconnect from stress. You must see the bigger picture of life. Stress and many other things on this planet that we’ve created are distractions from the bigger picture.”
Avoid being a web for negative and destructive energy. You don’t want it to stick to you when it shows up — you want to get rid of it as fast as possible — like a hot potato. This is how you should react when you encounter any negative emotions or destructive thoughts. Get rid of them as fast as possible. This can be done by focusing on your Top 3. You can also use motion to change your emotion. Put yourself in a state of motion, with confident posture. Use positive, reinforcing language, and emanate the energy you would give off when you feel at your best. This will make it hard to feel any other way than the way the body knows to react when you mentally and physically put yourself in a state of positive energy.
When someone is in a negative emotional state — angry, frustrated, depressed, sad, etc. — they will protect their right to feel that way if you or anyone else tries to take them out of it in an obvious manner. Any form of destructive emotion and/or behavior a person indulges in is a way to fulfill one or more needs. It’s like they’re saying, “I’ll come out of my depression when I’m ready!” That is why people will get angry and protective when someone tries to help them or take them away from their destructive focus and behavior. At a deeper level, it is momentarily satisfying their needs — of which they most likely are not aware at a conscious level. Their behavior says it all.
Here is some advice for someone who is having trouble putting their past behind them. You can’t put your past behind you, but you can change what you allow yourself to focus on. Whether you choose to continue focusing on the negative past emotions and experiences rather than the most amazing moments of ecstasy you’ve felt in your life, they’re both past experiences tied to powerful emotional memories. I recommend focusing on the positive, ecstatic memories more often, and, eventually, I bet you will stop allowing yourself to focus on the negative memories. Remember that what you focus on will largely determine how you feel and experience life. Accept responsibility for your focus — it’s all in your head.
Have you ever been in an argument or debate and knew the other person was wrong? Keep this in mind the next time that happens. When someone believes in something, they will back it with their full efforts, whether what they stand for is right or wrong, true or false. They believe it is a certain way, so, in their mind, it is. Neither your point of view nor theirs is wrong. You just each have different results. Determining what you stand for, believe in, and what you fight for will determine your results. So, it’s important to choose the results you want.
The next time a problem or challenge occurs in your life that you have to deal with, try reframing it into a game or test. Try to really see it from another person’s perspective. How well can you handle it? Can you somehow make it fun, by reframing the way you’re perceiving the problem or challenge? Will you give up and not try your best to overcome it? Ask yourself, “Do I really need to deal with this now, or can I handle it later?” The questions you ask yourself will have a huge impact on how well you handle any given situation.
Random Fact
In Albania, nodding your head means “No,” and shaking your head means “Yes.”
