WILLIAM TURNS OVER A NEW LEAF
WILLIAM had often been told how much happier he would be if he would follow the straight and narrow path of virtue, but so far the thought of that happiness had left him cold. He preferred the happiness that he knew by experience to be the result of his normal wicked life to that mythical happiness that was prophesied as the result of a quite unalluring life of righteousness. Suddenly, however, he was stirred. An “old boy” had come to visit the school and had given an inspiring address to the boys in which he spoke of the beauty and usefulness of a life of Self-denial and Service. William, for the first time, began to consider the question seriously. He realised that his life so far had not been, strictly speaking, a life of Self-denial and Service. The “old boy” said many things that impressed William. He pictured the liver of the life of Self-denial and Service surrounded by a happy, grateful and admiring family circle. He said that everyone would love such a character. William tried to imagine his own family circle as a happy, grateful and admiring family circle. It was not an easy task even to such a vivid imagination as William’s but it was not altogether impossible. After all, nothing was altogether impossible....
While the headmaster was proposing a vote of thanks to the eloquent and perspiring “old boy,” William was deciding that there might be something in the idea after all. When the bell rang for the end of school, William had decided that it was worth trying at any rate. He decided to start first thing next morning—not before. William was a good organiser. He liked things cut and dried. A new day for a new life. It was no use beginning to be self-denying and self-sacrificing in the middle of a day that had started quite differently. If you were going to have a beautiful character and a grateful family circle you might as well start the day fresh with it, not drag it over from the day before. It would be jolly nice to have a happy, grateful and admiring family circle, and William only hoped that if he took the trouble to be self-denying and self-sacrificing his family circle would take the trouble to be happy and grateful and admiring. There were dark doubts about this in William’s mind. His family circle rarely did anything that was expected of them. Still, William was an optimist and—anything might happen. And to-morrow was a whole holiday. He could give all his attention to it all day....
He looked forward to the new experience with feelings of pleasant anticipation. It would be interesting and jolly—meantime there was a whole half of to-day left and it was no use beginning the life of self-denial and service before the scheduled time.
He joined his friends, Ginger, Henry and Douglas after school and together they trespassed on the lands of the most irascible farmer they knew in the hopes of a pleasant chase. The farmer happened to be in the market town so their hopes were disappointed as far as he was concerned. They paddled in his pond and climbed his trees and uttered defiant shouts to his infuriated dog, and were finally chased away by his wife with a fire of hard and knobbly potatoes. One got William very nicely on the side of his head but, his head being as hard and knobbly as the potato, little damage was done. Next they “scouted” each other through the village and finally went into Ginger’s house and performed military manœuvres in Ginger’s bedroom, till Ginger’s mother sent them away because the room just below happened to be the drawing-room and the force of the military manœuvres was disintegrating the ceiling and sending it down in picturesque white flakes into Ginger’s mother’s hair.
They went next to Henry’s garden and there with much labour made a bonfire. Ginger and Douglas plied the fire with fuel; and William and Henry, with a wheelbarrow and the garden hose, wearing old tins on their heads, impersonated the fire brigade. During the exciting scuffles that followed, the garden hose became slightly involved and finally four dripping boys fled from the scene and from possible detection, leaving only the now swimming bonfire, the wheelbarrow and hose to mark the scene of action. A long rest in a neighbouring field in the still blazing sunshine soon partially dried them. While reclining at ease they discussed the latest Red Indian stories which they had read, and the possibility of there being any wild animals left in England.
“I bet there is,” said Ginger earnestly, “they hide in the day time so’s no one’ll see ’em, an’ they come out at nights. No one goes into the woods at night so no one knows if there is or if there isn’t, an’ I bet there is. Anyway let’s get up some night ’n take our bows ’n arrows an’ look for ’em. I bet we’d find some.”
“Let’s to-night,” said Douglas eagerly.
William remembered suddenly the life of virtue to which he had mentally devoted himself. He felt that the nocturnal hunting for wild animals was incompatible with it.
“I can’t to-night,” he said with an air of virtue.
“Yah—you’re ’fraid!” taunted Henry, not because he had the least doubt of William’s courage but simply to introduce an element of excitement into the proceedings.
He succeeded.
When finally Henry and William arose breathless and bruised from the ditch where the fight had ended, Douglas and Ginger surveyed them with dispassionate interest.
“William won an’ you’re both in a jolly old mess!”
Henry removed some leaves and bits of grass from his mouth.
“All right, you’re not afraid,” he said pacifically to William, “when will you come huntin’ wild animals?”
William considered. He was going to give the life of virtue, of self-denial and service a fair day’s trial, but there was just the possibility that from William’s point of view it might not be a success. It would be as well to leave the door to the old life open.
“I’ll tell you to-morrow,” he said guardedly.
“All right. I say, let’s race to the end of the field on only one leg ... Come on! Ready?... One, two, three ... GO!”
II
William awoke. It was morning. It was the morning on which he was to begin his life of self-denial and service. He raised his voice in one of his penetrating and tuneless morning songs, then stopped abruptly, “case I disturb anyone” he remarked virtuously to his brush and comb.... His father frequently remarked that William’s early morning songs were enough to drive a man to drink.... He brushed his hair with unusual vigour and descended to breakfast looking (for William) unusually sleek and virtuous. His father was reading the paper in front of the fire.
“Good mornin’, Father,” said William in a voice of suave politeness.
His father grunted.
“Did you hear me not singin’ this mornin’, Father?” said William pleasantly. It was as well that his self-denials should not be missed by the family circle.
His father did not answer. William sighed. Some family circles were different from others. It was hard to imagine his father happy and grateful and admiring. But still, he was going to have a jolly good try....
His mother and sister and brother came down. William said “Good mornin’!” to them all with unctuous affability. His brother looked at him suspiciously.
“What mischief are you up to?” he said ungraciously.
William merely gave him a long silent and reproachful glance.
“What are you going to do this morning, William dear?” said his mother.
“I don’ mind what I do,” said William. “I jus’ want to help you. I’ll do anything you like, Mother.”
She looked at him anxiously.
“Are you feeling quite well, dear?” she said with concern.
“If you want to help,” said his sister sternly, “you might dig up that piece of my garden you and those other boys trampled down yesterday.”
William decided that a life of self-denial and service need not include fagging for sisters who spoke to one in that tone of voice. He pretended not to hear.
“Can I do anything at all for you this morning, Mother dear,” he said earnestly.
His mother looked too taken aback to reply. His father rose and folded up his newspaper.
“Take my advice,” he said, “and beware of that boy this morning. He’s up to something!”
William sighed again. Some family circles simply didn’t seem able to recognise a life of self-denial and service when they met it....
After breakfast he wandered into the garden. Before long Ginger, Douglas and Henry came down the road.
“Come on, William!” they called over the gate.
For a moment William was tempted. Somehow it seemed a terrible waste of a holiday to spend it in self-denial and service instead of in search of adventures with Ginger, Douglas and Henry. But he put the temptation away. When he made up his mind to do a thing he did it....
“Can’t come to-day,” he said sternly, “I’m busy.”
“Oh, go on!”
“Well, I am an’ I’m just not comin’ an’ kin’ly stop throwin’ stones at our cat.”
“Call it a cat! Thought it was an ole fur glove what someone’d thrown away!”
In furious defence of his household’s cat (whose life William in private made a misery) William leapt to the gate. The trio fled down the road. William returned to his meditations. His father had gone to business and Ethel and Robert had gone to golf. His mother drew up the morning-room window.
“William, darling, aren’t you going to play with your friends this morning?”
William turned to her with an expression of solemnity and earnestness.
“I want to help you, Mother. I don’t wanter play with my friends.”
He felt a great satisfaction with this speech. It breathed the very spirit of self-denial and service.
“I’ll try to find that bottle of tonic you didn’t finish after whooping cough,” said his mother helplessly as she drew down the window.
“GOOD HEAVENS!” SAID MISS DEXTER. “DOES HE
KNOW YOU’VE COME TO ASK ME?”
“ROBERT’S DEEP IN LOVE WITH YOU,” SAID WILLIAM,
“HE’S WRITIN’ PO’TRY AN’ NOT SLEEPIN’ AN’ NOT EATIN’
AND CARVING YOUR INITIALS ALL OVER THE HOUSE.”
William stared around him disconsolately. It was hard to be full of self-sacrifices and service and to find no outlet for it ... nobody seemed to want his help. Then a brilliant idea occurred to him. He would do something for each of his family—something that would be a pleasant surprise when they found out....
He went up to his bedroom. There in a drawer was a poem that he had found in Robert’s blotter the week before. It began:
“O Marion
So young and fair
With silken hair....”
It must be Marion Dexter. She was fair and, well, more or less young, William supposed. William didn’t know about her hair being silken. It looked just like ordinary hair to him. But you never knew with girls. He had kept the poem in order to use it as a weapon of offence against Robert when occasion demanded. But that episode belonged to his old evil past. In his new life of self-denial and service he wanted to help Robert. The poem ended:
“I should be happy, I aver
If thou my suit wouldst but prefer.”
That meant that Robert wanted to be engaged to her. Poor Robert! Perhaps he was too shy to ask her, or perhaps he’d asked her and she’d refused ... well, it was here that Robert needed some help. William, with a determined expression, set off down the road.
III
He knocked loudly at the door. By a lucky chance Marion Dexter came to the door herself.
“Good afternoon,” she said.
“Good afternoon,” said William in a business-like fashion. “Has Robert ever asked you to marry him?”
“No. What a peculiar question to ask on the front doorstep. Do come in.”
William followed her into the drawing-room. She shut the door. They both sat down. William’s face was set and frowning.
“He’s deep in love with you,” he said in a conspiratorial whisper.
Marion’s eyes danced.
“Did he send you to tell me?”
William ignored the question.
“He’s deep in love with you and wants you to marry him.”
Marion dimpled.
“Why can’t he ask me then?”
“He’s shy,” said William earnestly, “he’s always shy when he’s in love. He’s always awful shy with the people what he’s in love with. But he wants most awful bad to marry you. Do marry him, please. Jus’ for kindness. I’m tryin’ to be kind. That’s why I’m here.”
“I see,” she said. “Are you sure he’s in love with me?”
“Deep in love. Writin’ potry an’ carryin’ on—not sleepin’ and not eatin’ an’ murmurin’ your name an’ puttin’ his hand on his heart an’ carvin’ your initials all over the house an’ sendin’ you flowers an’ things,” said William drawing freely on his imagination.
“I’ve never had any flowers from him.”
“No. They all get lost in the post,” said William without turning a hair. “But he’s dyin’ slow of love for you. He’s gettin’ thinner an’ thinner. ’F you don’t be engaged to him soon he’ll be stone dead. He’ll die of love like what they do in tales an’ then you’ll probably get hung for murder.”
“Good heavens!” said Miss Dexter.
“Well, I hope you won’t,” said William kindly, “an’ I’ll do all I can to save you if you are but ’f you kill Robert with not gettin’ engaged to him prob’ly you will be.”
“Does he know you’ve come to ask me?” said Miss Dexter.
“No. I want it to be a s’prise to him,” said William.
“It will be that,” murmured Miss Dexter.
“You will marry him, then?” said William hopefully.
“Certainly—if he wants me to.”
“P’raps,” said William after a slight pause, “you’d better write it in a letter ’cause he’d like as not, not b’lieve me.”
With eyes dancing and lips quivering with suppressed laughter Miss Dexter sat down at her writing table.
DEAR ROBERT (she wrote),
At William’s earnest request I promise to be engaged to you and to marry you whenever you like.
Yours sincerely, MARION DEXTER.
She handed it to William. William read it gravely and put it in his pocket.
“Thanks ever so much,” he said fervently.
“Don’t mention it,” said Miss Dexter demurely. “Quite a pleasure.”
He walked down the road in a rosy glow of virtue. Well, he’d done something for Robert that ought to make Robert grateful to him for the rest of his life. He’d helped Robert all right. He’d like to know what service was if it wasn’t that—getting people engaged to people they wanted to be engaged to. Jolly hard work too. Now there remained his mother and Ethel. He must go home and try to find some way of helping them....
IV
When he reached home Ethel was showing out Mrs. Helm, a tall, stern-looking lady whom William knew by sight.
“I’m so frightfully disappointed not to be able to come,” Ethel was saying regretfully, “but I’m afraid I must go to the Morrisons. I promised over a week ago. Thank you so much for asking me. Good morning.”
William followed her into the dining-room where his mother was.
“What did she want, dear?” said Mrs. Brown. “Go and wash your hands, William.”
“She wanted me to go in this evening but I told her I couldn’t because I was going to the Morrisons. Thank Heaven I had an excuse!”
William unfortunately missed the last sentence, as, still inspired by high ideals of virtue, he had gone at once upstairs to wash his hands. While he splashed about at the handbasin an idea suddenly occurred to him. That was how he’d help Ethel. He’d give her a happy evening. She should spend it with the Helms and not with the Morrisons. She’d sounded so sorry that she had to go to the Morrisons and couldn’t go to the Helms. He’d fix it all up for her this afternoon. He’d help her like he’d helped Robert.
He had hoped to be able to give Robert Miss Dexter’s note at lunch, but it turned out that Robert was lunching at the golf club with a friend.
Directly after lunch William set off to Mrs. Morrison’s house. He was shown into the drawing-room. Mrs. Morrison, large and fat and comfortable-looking, entered. She looked rather bewildered as she met William’s stern frowning gaze.
“I’ve come from Ethel,” said William aggressively. “She’s sorry she can’t come to-night.”
Mrs. Morrison’s cheerful countenance fell.
“The girls will be disappointed,” she said, “they saw her this morning and she said she was looking forward to it.”
Some explanation seemed necessary. William was never one to stick at half measures.
“She’s been took ill since then,” he said.
“Oh dear,” said Mrs. Morrison with concern, “nothing serious, I hope?”
William considered. If it wasn’t serious she might expect Ethel to recover by the evening. She’d better have something serious.
“I’m ’fraid it is,” he said gloomily.
“Dear, dear!” said Mrs. Morrison. “Tch! tch! What is it?”
William thought over all the complaints he knew. None of them seemed quite serious enough. She might as well have something really serious while he was about it. Then he suddenly remembered hearing the gardener talking to the housemaid the day before. He’d been talking about his brother who’d got—what was it? Epi—epi——
“Epilepsy!” said William suddenly.
“What?” screamed Mrs. Morrison.
William, having committed himself to epilepsy meant to stick to it.
“Epilepsy, the doctor says,” he said firmly.
“Good heavens!” said Mrs. Morrison. “When did you find out? Will he be able to cure it? Is the poor girl in bed? How does it affect her? What a dreadful thing!”
William was flattered at the impression he seemed to have made. He wondered whether it were possible to increase it.
“The doctor thinks she’s got a bit of consumption too,” he said casually, “but he’s not quite sure.”
Mrs. Morrison screamed again. “Heavens! And she always looked so healthy. The girls will be so distressed. William, do tell me—when did your mother realise there was something wrong?”
William foresaw that the conversation was becoming complicated. He did not wish to display his ignorance of the symptoms of epilepsy and consumption.
“Jus’ soon after lunch,” he said with rising cheerfulness. “Now I’d better be goin’, I think. Good afternoon.”
He left Mrs. Morrison still gasping upon the sofa and in the act of ringing for her maid to fetch her smelling salts.
William walked down the road with a swagger. He was managing jolly well.... The next visit was easier. He simply told Mrs. Helm’s maid at the front door to tell Mrs. Helm that Ethel would be able to come to-night after all, thank you very much.
Then he swung off to the woods with Jumble, his faithful dog. In accordance with his new life of virtue he walked straight along the road without burrowing in the ditches or throwing stones at telegraph posts. His exhilaration slowly vanished. He wondered where Ginger and Henry and Douglas were and what they were doing. It was jolly dull all alone ... but still the happiness and gratitude and admiration of his family circle when they found out all he had done for them would repay him for everything. At least he hoped it would. His mother ... he had done nothing for his mother yet. He must try to do something for his mother....
V
When he returned home it was almost dinner time. His mother and Ethel and Robert were still out. The Cook met him with a lugubrious face.
“Now, Master William,” she said, “can I trust you to give a message to your Ma.”
“Yes, Cook,” said William virtuously.
“Me cold in me ’ead’s that bad I can’t stand on me feet no longer. That ’ussy Ellen wouldn’t give up ’er night hout to ’elp me—not she, and yer Ma said if I’d leave things orl ready to dish hup I might go and rest afore dinner ’f I felt bad. Well, she’ll be hin hany minute now and just tell ’er it’s hall ready to dish up. Tell ’er I ’aven’t made no pudd’n but I’ve hopened a bottle of stewed pears.”
“All right, Cook,” said William.
Cook took the paper-backed copy of “A Mill Girl’s Romance” from the kitchen dresser and slowly sneezed her way up the back stairs.
William was to all intents and purposes alone in the house. He wandered into the kitchen. There was a pleasant smell of cooking. Several saucepans simmered on the gas stove. On the table was a glass dish containing the stewed pears. His father hated cold stewed fruit. He often said so. Suddenly William had yet another brilliant idea. He’d make a proper pudding for his father. It wouldn’t take long. The cookery book was on the dresser. You just did what the book told you. It was quite easy.
WILLIAM WENT ON BREAKING EGGS TILL NOT ANOTHER
EGG REMAINED TO BE BROKEN.
He went over to the gas stove. All the gas rings were being used. He’d better get one clear for his pudding. He supposed his pudding would need a gas ring same as all the other things. There were two small saucepans each containing dark brown stuff. They might as well be together, thought William, with a business-like frown. He poured the contents of one of the saucepans into the other. He had a moment’s misgiving as the mingled smell of gravy and coffee arose from the mixture. Then he turned to his pudding. He opened the book at random at the puddings. Any would do. “Beat three eggs together.” He fetched a bowl of eggs from the larder and got down a clean basin from the shelf. He’d seen Cook doing it, just cracking the eggs, and the egg slithered into the basin and she threw the shells away. It looked quite easy. He broke an egg. The shell fell neatly on to the table and the egg slithered down William on to the floor. He tried another and the same thing happened. William was not easily baulked. He was of a persevering nature. He went on breaking eggs till not another egg remained to be broken, and then and then only did he relinquish his hopes of making a pudding. Then and then only did he step out of the pool of a dozen broken eggs in which he was standing and, literally soaked in egg from the waist downward, go to replace the basin on the shelf.
His thirst for practical virtue was not yet sated. Surely there was something he could do, even if he couldn’t make a pudding. Yes, he could carry the things into the dining-room so that they could have dinner as soon as they came in. He opened the oven door. A chicken on a large dish was there. Good! Burning his fingers severely in the process William took it out. He’d put it on the dining-room table all ready for them to begin. Just as he stood with the dish in his hands he heard his mother and Robert come in. He’d go and give Robert Miss Dexter’s letter first. He looked round for somewhere to put the chicken. The table seemed to be full. He put the dish and the chicken on to the floor and went into the hall closing the door behind him. Robert and his mother had gone into the drawing-room. William followed.
“Well, William,” said Mrs. Brown pleasantly, “had a nice day?”
Without a word William handed the note to Robert.
Robert read it.
He went first red, then pale, then a wild look came into his eyes.
“Marion Dexter!” he said.
“You’re in love with her, aren’t you?” said William. “You’ve been writing pomes to her.”
“Not to Marion Dexter,” screamed Robert. “She’s an old woman. She’s nearly twenty-five.... It’s—it’s Marion Hatherley I——”
“Well, how was I to know,” said William in a voice of irritation. “You should put their surnames in the pomes. I thought you wanted to be engaged to her. I’ve took a lot of trouble over it gettin’ her to write that.”
Robert was reading and re-reading the note.
“My God!” he said in a hushed voice of horror. “I’m engaged to Marion Dexter!”
“Robert,” said Mrs. Brown. “I don’t think you ought to use expressions like that before your little brother, whoever you’re engaged to.”
“I’m engaged to Marion Dexter,” repeated Robert in a tone of frenzy, “Me! ... chained to her for life when I love another....”
“Robert dear,” said Mrs. Brown, “if there’s been any mistake I’m sure that all you have to do is go to Miss Dexter and explain.”
“Explain!” said Robert wildly. “How can I explain. She’s accepted me ... how can any man of chivalry refuse to marry a woman who.... Oh, it’s too much.” He sat down on the sofa and held his head in his hands. “It’s the ruin of all my hopes ... he’s simply spoilt my life ... he’s always spoiling my life ... I shall have to marry her now ... and she’s an old woman ... she was twenty-four last birthday, I know.”
“Well, I was trying to help,” said William.
“I’ll teach you to help,” said Robert darkly, advancing upon him.
William dodged and fled towards the door. There he collided with Ethel—Ethel with a pale, distraught face.
“It’s all over the village, mother,” she said angrily as she entered. “William’s told everyone in the village that I’ve got epilepsy and consumption.”
“I didn’t,” said William indignantly. “I only told Mrs. Morrison.”
“But William,” said his mother, sitting down weakly on the nearest chair, “why on earth——?”
“Well, Ethel didn’t want to go to the Morrisons to-night. She wanted to go to the Helms’——”
“I did not,” said Ethel. “I was glad to get out of going to the Helms’.”
“Well, how was I to know?” said William desperately. “I had to go by what you said and I had to go by what Robert wrote. I wanted to help. I’ve took no end of trouble—livin’ a life of self-sacrifice and service all day without stoppin’ once, and ’stead of being grateful an’ happy an’ admirin’——”
“But William,” said Mrs. Brown, “how did you think it was going to help anyone to say that Ethel had epilepsy and consumption?”
“I’d rather have epilepsy and consumption,” said Robert who had returned to the sofa and was sitting with his head between his hands, “than be engaged to Marion Dexter.”
“I must say I simply can’t understand why you’ve been doing all this, William,” said Mrs. Brown. “We must just wait till your father comes in and see what he makes of it. And I can’t think why dinner’s so late.”
“She’s gone to bed,” said William gloomily.
“I’d better see to things then,” said Mrs. Brown going into the hall.
“Epilepsy!” groaned Ethel.
“Twenty-four—twenty-four if she’s a day—and the sort of hair I’ve always disliked,” groaned Robert.
William followed his mother to the kitchen rather than be left to the tender mercies of Ethel and Robert. He began to feel distinctly apprehensive about the kitchen ... that pool of eggs ... those brown liquids he’d mixed....
Mrs. Brown opened the kitchen door. On the empty chicken dish on the floor sat Jumble surrounded by chicken bones, the wishing bone protruding from his mouth, looking blissfully happy....
VI
In his bedroom whither he had perforce retired supperless, William hung up the Outlaws’ signal of distress (a scull and crossbones in black and the word “Help” in red) at his window in case Ginger or Henry or Douglas came down the road, and then surveyed the events of the day. Well,