Every Man in His Humour by Ben Jonson - HTML preview

ACT IV

SCENE I---A Room in KITELY'S House.

 

Enter DOWNRIGTIT and Dame KITELY.

 

Dow. Well, sister, I tell you true; and you'll find it so in the end.

 

Dame K. Alas, brother, what would you have me to do? I cannot help it; you see my brother brings them in here; they are his friends.

Dow . His friends! his fiends. 'Slud! they do nothing but haunt him up and down like a sort of unlucky spirits, and tempt him to all manner of villainy that can be thought of. Well, by this light, a little thing would make me play the devil with some of them: an 'twere not more for your husband's sake than anything else, I'd make the house too hot for the best on 'em; they should say, and swear, hell were broken loose, ere they went hence. But, by God's will, 'tis nobody's fault but yours; for an you had done as you might have done, they should have been parboiled, and baked too, every mother's son, ere they should have come in, e'er a one of them.

Dame K . God's my life! did you ever hear the like? what a strange man is this! Could I keep out all them, think you? I should put myself against half a dozen men, should I? Good faith, you'd mad the patien'st body in the world; to hear you talk so, without any sense or reason.

Enter Mistress BRIDGET, Master MATHEW, and BOBADILL; followed, at a distance, by WELLBRED, E. KNOWELL, STBPHEN, and BBAINWORM.

Brid .
Servant, in troth you are too prodigal Of your wit's treasure, thus fu pour it forth Upon so mean a subject as my worth.

Mat. You say well, mistress, and I mean as well.

 

Dow. Hoy-day, here is stuff!

 

Wel. O, now stand close; pray Heaven, she can get him to read! he should do it of his own natural impudency.

 

Brid. Servant, what is this same, I pray you?

 

Mat. Marry, an elegy, an elegy, an odd toy--

 

Dow. To mock an ape withal! O, I could sew up his mouth, now. Dame K. Sister, I pray you let's hear it.

 

Dow. Are you rhyme-given too?

 

Mat. Mistress, I'll read it if you please.

 

Brid. Pray you do, servant.

 

Dow. O, here's no foppery! Death! I can endure the stocks better. [Exit.

 

E. Know. What ails thy brother? can he not hold his water at reading of a ballad?

 

Wel. O, no; a rhyme fu him is worse than cheese, or a bag-pipe; but mark; you lose the protestation.

Mat . Faith, I did it in a humour; I know not how it is; but please you come near, sir. This gentleman has judgment, he knows how to censure of a--pray you, sir, you can judge?

Step. Not I, sir; upon my reputation, and by the foot of Pharaoh!

 

Wel. O, chide your cousin for swearing.

 

E. Know. Not I, so long as he does not forswear himself.

 

Bob. Master Mathew, you abuse the expectation of your dear mistress, and her fair sister: fie! while you live avoid this prolixity.

 

Mat. I shall, sir, well; incipere dulce.

 

E. Know. How, insipere duke! a sweet thing to be a fool, indeed!

 

Wel. What, do you take incipere in: that sense?

 

E. Know. You do not, you! This was your villainy, to gull him with a motte.

 

Wel. O, the benchers' phrase: pauca verba, pauca verba!

Mat.
Rare creature, let me speak without offence, Would God my rude words had the influence To rule thy thoughts, as thy fair looks do mine, Then shouldst thou be his prisoner, who is thine.

E. Know. This is Hero and Leander. Wel. O, ay: peace, we shall have more of this.

Mat.
Be not unkind and fair: misshapen stuff Is of behaviour boisterous and rough.

Wel. How like you that, sir? [Master Stephen shakes his head.

 

E. Know. 'Slight, he shakes his head like a bottle, to feel an there be any brain in it.

Mat. But observe the catastrophe, now: And I in duty will exceed all other, As you in beauty do excel Love's mother.

E. Know. Well, I'll have him free of the wit-brokers, for he utters nothing but stolen remnants.

 

Wel. O, forgive it him.

 

E. Know. A filching rogue, hang him!---and from the dead! it's worse than sacrilege.

 

WELLBRED, E. KNOWELL, and Master STEPHEN, come forward.

 

Wel. Sister, what have you here, verses? pray you let's see: who made these verses? they are excellent. good.

 

Mat. O, Master Wellbred, 'tis your disposition to say so, sir. They were good in the morning: I made them ex tempore this morning.

 

Wel. How! ex tempore?

 

Mat. Ay, would I might be hanged else; ask Captain Bobadill: he saw me write them, at the--pox on it!--the Star, yonder.

 

Brai. Can he find in his heart to curse the stars so?

 

E. Know. Faith, his are even with him; they have curst him enough already.

 

Step. Cousin, how do you like this gentleman's verses?

E. Know . O, admirable! the best that ever I heard, coz. Step. Body O' Caesar, they are admirable! the best that I ever heard, as I am a soldier!

Re-enter DOWNRIGHT.

 

Dow. I am vext, I can hold ne'er a bone of me still: 'Heart, I think they mean to build and breed here.

Wet . Sister, you have a simple servant here, that crowns your beauty with such encomiums and devices; you may see what it is to be the mistress of a wit, that can make your perfections so transparent, that every blear eye may look through them, and see him drowned over head and ears in the deep well of desire: Sister Kitely. I marvel you get you not a servant that can rhyme, and do tricks too.

Dow. O monster! impudence itself! tricks!

 

Dame K. Tricks, brother! what tricks?

 

Brid. Nay, speak, I pray you what tricks?

 

Dame K. Ay, never spare any body here; but say, what tricks.

 

Brid. Passion of my heart, do tricks!

 

Wel. 'Slight, here's a trick vied and revied! Why, you monkeys, you, what a caterwauling do you keep! has he not given you rhymes and verses and tricks?

 

Dow. O, the fiend!

Wel . Nay, you lamp of virginity, that take it in snuff so, come, and cherish this tame poetical fury in your servant; you'll be begg'd else shortly for a concealment: go to, reward his muse. You cannot give him less than a shilling in conscience, for the book he had it out of cost him a teston at least. How now, gallants! Master Mathew! Captain! what, all sons of silence, no spirit?

Dow. Come, you might practise your ruffian tricks somewhere else, and not here, I wuss; this is no tavern or drinking-school, to vent your exploits in.

 

Wel. How now; whose cow has calved?

 

Dow. Marry, that has mine, sir.

 

Nay, boy, never look askance at me for the matter; I'll tell you of it, I, sir; you and your companions mend yourselves when I have done.

Wel . My companions! Dow. Yes, sir, your companions, so I say; I am not afraid of you, nor them neither; your hang-byes here. You must have your poets and your potlings, your soldados and foolados to follow you up and down the city; and here they must come to domineer and swagger. Sirrah, you ballad-singer, and slops your fellow there, get you out, get you home; or by this steel, I'll cut off your ears, and that presently.

Wel. 'Slight, stay, let's see what he dare do; cut off his ears! cut a whetstone. You are an ass, do you see; touch any man here, and by this hand I'll run my rapier to the hilts in you.

Dow . Yea, that would I fain see, boy. [They all draw.
Dame K. O Jesu! murder! Thomas! Gasper!

Brid. Help, help! Thomas!

 

Enter CASH and some of the house to part them.

 

E. Know. Gentlemen, forbear, I pray' you.

Bob . Well, sirrah, you Holofernes; by my hand, I will pink your flesh full of holes with my rapier for this; I will, by this good heaven! nay, let him come, let him come, gentlemen; by the body of St. George, I'll not kill him.

[Offer to fight again, and are parted.
Gash. Hold, hold, good gentlemen. Dow. You whoreson, bragging coystril!

Enter KITELY.

Kit.
Why, how now! what's the matter, what's the stir here? Whence springs the quarrel? Thomas! where is he? Put up your weapons, and put off this rage:
My wife and sister, they are the cause of this. What, Thomas! where is the knave?

Gash. Here, sir.

 

Wel. Come, let's go: this is one of my brother's ancient humours, this.

 

Step. I am glad nobody was hurt by his ancient humour.

 

[Exeunt Wellbred, Stephen, E. Knowell, Bobadill, and Brainworm.

Kit. Why, how now, brother, who enforced this brawl? Dow. A sort of lewd rake-hells, that care neither for God nor the devil And they must come here to read ballads, and roguery, and trash! I'll mar the knot of 'em ere I sleep, perhaps; especially Bob there, he that's all manner of shapes: and songs and sonnets, his fellow.

Brid.
Brother, indeed you are too violent,
Too sudden in your humour: and you know My brother Wellbred's temper will not bear Any reproof, chiefly in such a presence, Where every slight. disgrace he should receive Might wound him in opinion and respect.

Dow . Respect! what talk you of respect among such, as have no spark of manhood, nor good manners? 'Sdeins, I am ashamed to hear you'! respect!

[Exit.

Brid.
Yes, there was one a civil gentleman, And very worthily demeaned himself.

Kit. O, that was some love of yours, sister.

Brid.
A love of mine! I would it were no worse, brother; You'd pay my portion sooner than you think for.

Dame K. Indeed he seem'd to be a gentleman of a very exceeding fair disposition, and of excellent good parts.

 

[Exeunt Dame Kitely and Bridget.

Kit.
Her love, by heaven! my wife's minion. Fair disposition! excellent good parts! Death! these phrases are intolerable. Good parts! how should she know his parts? His parts! Well, well, well, well, well, well; It is too plain, too clear: Thomas, come hither. What, are they gone?

Cash. Ay, sir, they went in. My mistress and your sister-

 

Kit. Are any of the gallants within? Cash. No, sir, they are all gone.

 

Kit. Art thou sure of it---?

 

Cash. I can assure you, sir.

 

Kit. What gentleman was that they praised so, Thomas?

 

Cash. One, they call him Master Knowell, a handsome young gentleman, sir.

Kit.
Ay, I thought so; my mind gave me as much: I'll die, but they have hid him in the house, Somewhere, I'll go and search; go with me, Thomas: Be true to me, and thou shalt find me a master.

[Exeunt.

 

SCENE II.---The Lane before COB'S House. Enter COB

 

Cob. [knocks at the door.] What, Tib! Tib, I say!

 

Tib. [within.] How now, what cuckold is that knocks so hard?

 

Enter Tib.

 

O, husband! is it you? What's the news?

 

Cob. Nay, you have stunn'd me, i'faith; you have, given me a knock O' the forehead will stick by me. Cuckold! 'Slid, cuckold!

 

Tib. Away, you fool! did I know it was you that knocked? Come, come, you may call me as bad when you list.

 

Cob. May I? Tib, you are a whore.

 

Tib. You lie in your throat, husband.

 

Cob. How, the lie! and in my throat tool do you long to be stabb'd, ha?

Tib . Why, you are no soldier, I hope. Cob. O, must you be stabbed by a soldier? Mass, that's true! when was Bobadill here, your captain? that rogue. that foist, that fencing Burgullion? I'll tickle him, i'faith.

Tib. Why, what's the matter, trow?

Cob . O, he has basted me rarely, sumptuously! but I have it here in black and white, [pulls out the warrant.] for his black and blue shall pay him. O, the justice, the honestest old brave Trojan in London; I do honour the very flea of his dog. A plague on him, though, he put me once in a villanous filthy fear; marry, it vanished away like the smoke of tobacco; but I was smoked soundly first. I thank the devil, and his good angel, my guest. Well, wife, or Tib, which you will, get you in, and lock the door; I charge you let nobody in to you, wife; nobody in to you; those are my words: not Captain Bob himself, nor the fiend in his likeness. You are a woman, you have flesh and blood enough in you to be tempted; therefore keep the door shut upon all comers.

Tib. I warrant you, there shall nobody enter here without my consent.

 

Cob. Nor with your consent, sweet Tib; and so I leave you.

 

Tib. It's more than you know, whether you leave me so.

 

Cob. How?

 

Tib. Why, sweet.

Cob.
Tut, sweet or sour, thou art a flower. Keep close thy door, I ask no more.

[Exeunt.

 

SCENE III.-A Room in the Windmill Tavern.

 

Enter E. KNOWELL, WELLBRED, STEPHEN, and BRAINWORM, disguised as before.

 

E. Know. Well, Brainworm, perform this business happily, and thou makest a purchase of my love for ever.

Wel. I'faith, now let thy spirits use their best faculties: but, at any hand, remember the message to my brother; for there's no other means to start him. Brai. I warrant you, sir; fear nothing; I have a nimble soul has waked all forces of my phant'sie by this time, and put them in true motion. What you have possest me withal, I'll discharge it amply, sir; make it no question.

[Exit.

 

Wel. Forth, and prosper, Brainworm. Faith, Ned, how dost thou approve of my abilities in this device?

 

E. Know. Troth, well, howsoever; but it will come excellent if it take.

Wel . Take, man! why it cannot choose but take, if the circumstances miscarry not: but, tell me ingenuously, dost thou affect my sister Bridget as thou pretend'st?

E. Know. Friend, am I worth belief?

Wel. Come, do not protest. In faith, she is a maid of good ornament, and much modesty; and, except I conceived very worthily of her, thou should'st not have her.

E. Know. Nay, that I am afraid, will be a question yet, whether I shall have her, or no.

 

Wel. 'Slid, thou shalt have her; by this light thou shalt.

 

E. Know. Nay, do not swear.

 

Wel. By this hand thou shalt have her; I'll go fetch her presently. 'Point but where to meet, and as I am an honest man I'll bring her.

 

E. Know. Hold, hold, be temperate.

 

Wel. Why, by--what shall I swear by? thou shalt have her, as I am--

 

E. Know. Praythee, be at peace, I am satisfied; and do believe thou wilt omit no offered occasion to make my desires complete.

 

Wel. Thou shalt see, and know, I will not.

 

[Exeunt. SCENE IV.-The Old Jewry. Enter FORMAL and KNOWELL.

 

Form. Was your man a soldier, sir?

Know. Ay, a knave
I took him begging O' the way, this morning,
As I came over Moorfields.

[Enter BRAINWORM. disguised as before. O, here he is!---you've made fair speed, believe me, Where, in the name of sloth, could you be thus?

Brai. Marry, peace be my comfort, where I thought I should have had little comfort of your worship's service.

 

Know. How so?

Brai. O, sir, your coming to the city, your entertainment of me, and your sending me to watch---indeed all the circumstances either of your charge, or my employment, are as open to your son, as to yourself.

Know.
How should that be, unless that villain, Brainworm, Have told him of the letter, and discover'd All that I strictly charg'd him to conceal?
'Tis so.

Brai. I am partly O' the faith, 'tis so, indeed.

 

Know. But, how should he know thee to be my man?

 

Brai. Nay, sir, I cannot tell; unless it be by the black art. Is not your son a scholar, sir?

Know.
Yes, but I hope his soul is not allied Unto such hellish practice: if it were, I had just cause to weep my part in him, And curse the time of his creation.
But, where didst thou find them, Fitz-Sword? Brai. You should rather ask where they found me, sir; for I'll be sworn, I was going along in the street, thinking nothing, when, of a sudden, a voice calls, Mr. Knowell's man! another cries, Soldier! and thus half a dozen of them, till they had call'd me within a house, where I no sooner came, but they seem'd men, and out flew all their rapiers at my bosom, with some three or four score oaths to accompany them; and all to tell me, I was but a dead man, if I did not confess where you were, and how I was employed, and about what; which when they could not get out of me, (as, I protest, they must have dissected, and made an anatomy of me first, and so I told them,) they lock'd me up into a room in the top of a high house, whence by great miracle (having a light heart) I slid down by a bottom of packthread into the street, and so 'scaped. But, sir, thus much I can assure you, for I heard it while I was lock'd up, there were a great many rich merchants and brave citizens' wives with them at a feast; and your son, master Edward, withdrew with one of them, and has 'pointed to meet her anon at one Cob's house a water-bearer that dwells by the Wall. Now, there your worship shall be sure to take him, for there he preys, and fail he will not.

Know.
Nor will I fail to break his match, I doubt not.
Go thoualong with justice Clement's man,
And stay there for me. At one Cob's house, say'st thou?

Brai. Ay, sir, there you shall have him. [Exit Knowell.] Yes-- invisible! Much wench, or much son! 'Slight, when he has staid there three or four hours, travailing with the expectation of wonders, and at length be deliver'd of air! O the sport that I should then take to look on him, if I durst! But now, I mean to appear no more afore him in this shape: I have another trick to act yet. O that I were so happy as to light on a nupson now of this justice's novice!--Sir, I make you stay somewhat long.

Form. Not a whit, sir. Pray you what do you mean, sir?

 

Brai. I was putting up some papers.

 

Form. You have been lately in the wars, sir, it seems.

 

Brai. Marry have I, sir, to my loss, and expense of all, almost.

 

Form. Troth, sir, I would be glad to bestow a bottle of wine on you, if it please you to accept it--

 

Brai. O, sir

Form . But to hear the manner of your services, and your devices in the wars; they say they be very strange, and not like those a man reads in the Roman histories, or sees at Mile-end.
Brai. No, I assure you, sir; why at any time when it please you, I shall be ready to discourse to you all I know;--and more too somewhat. [Aside.

Form. No better time than now, sir; we'll go to the Windmill: there we shall have a cup of neat grist, we call it. I pray you, sir, let me request you to the Windmill.

 

Brai. I'll follow you, sir;--and make grist of you, if I have good luck. [Aside.]

 

[Exeunt.

 

SCENE V.-Moorfields.

 

Enter MATHEW, E. KNOWELL, BOBADILL, and STEPHEN.

Mat. Sir, did your eyes ever taste the like clown of him where we were to-day, Mr. Wellbred's half-brother? I think the whole earth cannot shew his parallel, by this daylight.

E. Know. We were now speaking of him: captain Bobadill tells me he is fallen foul of you too.

 

Mat. O, ay, sir, he threatened me with the bastinado.

 

Bob. Ay, but I think, I taught you prevention this morning, for that: You shall kill him beyond question; if you be so generously minded.

Mat . Indeed, it is a most excellent trick.
[Fences.
Bob: O, you do not give spirit enough to your motion, you are too
tardy, too heavy! O, it must be done like lightning, hay! [Practises at a post with his cudgel.
Mat. Rare, captain!

Bob. Tut! 'tis nothing, an't be not done in a--punto. E. Know. Captain, did you ever prove yourself upon any of our masters of defence here?

 

Mat. O good sir! yes, I hope he has.

Bob . I will tell you, sir. Upon my first coming to the city, after my long travel for knowledge, in that mystery only, there came three or four of them to me, at a gentleman's house, where it was my chance to be resident at that time, to intreat my presence at their schools: and withal so much importuned me, that I protest to you, as I am a gentleman, I was ashamed of their rude demeanour out of all measure: Well, I told them that to come to a public school, they should pardon me, it was opposite, in diameter, to my humour; but if so be they would give their attendance at my lodging, I protested to do them what right or favour I could, as I was a gentleman, and so forth.
E. Know. So, sir! then you tried their skill?

Bob . Alas, soon tried: you shall hear, sir. Within two or three days after, they came; and, by honesty, fair sir, believe me, I graced them exceedingly, shewed them some two or three tricks of prevention have purchased them since a credit to admiration: they cannot deny this; and yet now they hate me, and why? because I am excellent; and for no other vile reason on the earth.

E. Know. This is strange and barbarous, as ever I heard.

Bob . Nay, for a more instance of their preposterous natures; but note; sir. They have assaulted me some three, four, five, six of them together, as I have walked alone in divers skirts it'll town, as Turnbull, Whitechapel, Shoreditch, which were then my quarters; and since, upon the Exchange, at my lodging, and at my ordinary: where I have driven them afore me the whole length of a street, in the open view of all our gallants, pitying to hurt them, believe me. Yet all this lenity will not overcome their spleen; they will be doing with the pismire, raising a hill a man may spurn abroad with his foot at pleasure. By myself, I could have slain them all, but I delight n