ENTER FASTIDIOUS BRISK, CINEDO, CARLO BUFFONE, AND SOGLIARDO.
FAST. Cinedo, watch when the knight comes, and give us word.
CIN. I will, sir. [EXIT.
FAST. How lik'st thou my boy, Carlo?
CAR . O, well, well. He looks like a colonel of the Pigmies horse, or one of these motions in a great antique clock; he would shew well upon a haberdasher's stall, at a corner shop, rarely.
FAST. 'Sheart, what a damn'd witty rogue's this! How he confounds with his similes!CAR. Better with similes than smiles: and whither were you riding now, signior?
FAST. Who, I? What a silly jest's that! Whither should I ride but to the court?
CAR. O, pardon me, sir, twenty places more; your hot-house, or your whorehouse --
FAST. By the virtue of my soul, this knight dwells in Elysium here.
CAR . He's gone now, I thought he would fly out presently. These be our nimblespirited catsos, that have their evasions at pleasure, will run over a bog like your wild Irish; no sooner started, but they'll leap from one thing to another, like a squirrel, heigh! dance and do tricks in their discourse, from fire to water, from water to air, from air to earth, as if their tongues did but e'en lick the four elements over, and away.
FAST. Sirrah, Carlo, thou never saw'st my gray hobby yet, didst thou?CAR. No; have you such a one?
FAST. The best in Europe, my good villain, thou'lt say when thou seest him.
CAR. But when shall I see him? FAST. There was a nobleman in the court offered me a hundred pound for him, by this light: a fine little fiery slave, he runs like a -- oh, excellent, excellent! -with the very sound of the spur.
CAR. How! the sound of the spur?FAST. O, it's your only humour now extant, sir; a good gingle, a good gingle.
CAR. S'blood! you shall see him turn morrice-dancer, he has got him bells, a good suit, and a hobby-horse.
SIG. Signior, now you talk of a hobby-horse, I know where one is will not be given for a brace of angels.
FAST. How is that, sir?
SOG. Marry, sir, I am telling this gentleman of a hobby-horse; it was my father's indeed, and though I say it --
CAR. That should not say it -- on, on.
SOG. He did dance in it, with as good humour and as good regard as any man of his degree whatsoever, being no gentleman: I have danc'd in it myself too.
CAR. Not since the humour of gentility was upon you, did you?
SOG. Yes, once; marry, that was but to shew what a gentleman might do in a humour.
CAR. O, very good.
MIT. Why, this fellow's discourse were nothing but for the word humour.
COR. O bear with him; an he should lack matter and words too, 'twere pitiful.
SOG . Nay, look you, sir, there's ne'er a gentleman in the country has the like humours, for the hobby-horse, as I have; I have the method for the threading of the needle and all, the --
CAR. How, the method?SOG. Ay, the leigerity for that, and the whighhie, and the daggers in the nose, and the travels of the egg from finger to finger, and all the humours incident to the quality. The horse hangs at home in my parlour. I'll keep it for a monument as long as I live, sure.
CAR. Do so; and when you die, 'twill be an excellent trophy to hang over your tomb.
CAR. Best build it in your lifetime then, your heirs may hap to forget it else.
SOG. Nay, I mean so, I'll not trust to them.
CAR. No, for heirs and executors are grown damnable careless, 'specially since the ghosts of testators left walking. -- How like you him, signior?
FAST. 'Fore heavens, his humour arrides me exceedingly.
CAR. Arrides you!
FAST. Ay, pleases me: a pox on't! I am so haunted at the court, and at my lodging, with your refined choice spirits, that it makes me clean of another garb, another sheaf, I know not how! I cannot frame me to your harsh vulgar phrase, 'tis against my genius.
SOG. Signior Carlo! [TAKES HIM ASIDE.COR . This is right to that of Horace, "Dum vitant stulti vitia, in contraria currunt"; so this gallant labouring to avoid popularity, falls into a habit of affectation, ten thousand times hatefuller than the former.
CAR . [POINTING TO FASTIDIOUS.] Who, he? a gull, a fool, no salt in him i' the earth, man; he looks like a fresh salmon kept in a tub; he'll be spent shortly. His brain's lighter than his feather already, and his tongue more subject to lye,
than that is to wag; he sleeps with a musk-cat every night, and walks all day hang'd in pomander chains for penance; he has his skin tann'd in civet, to make his complexion strong, and the sweetness of his youth lasting in the sense of his sweet lady; a good empty puff, he loves you well, signior.
SOG. There shall be no love lost, sir, I'll assure you.FAST . [ADVANCING TO THEM.] Nay, Carlo, I am not happy in thy love, I see: pray thee suffer me to enjoy thy company a little, sweet mischief: by this air, I shall envy this gentleman's place in thy affections, if you be thus private, i'faith. ENTER CINEDO.
How now! Is the knight arrived?
CAR. You should give him a French crown for it; the boy would find two better figures in that, and a good figure of your bounty beside.
FAST. Tut, the boy wants no crowns.
CAR. No crown; speak in the singular number, and we'll believe you.
FAST . Nay, thou are so capriciously conceited now. Sirrah damnation, I have heard this knight Puntarvolo reported to be a gentleman of exceeding good humour, thou know'st him; prithee, how is his disposition? I never was so favoured of my stars, as to see him yet. Boy, do you look to the hobby?
CIN. Ay, sir, the groom has set him up.[AS CINEDO IS GOING OUT, SOGLIARDO TAKES HIM ASIDE.
FAST. 'Tis well: I rid out of my way of intent to visit him, and take knowledge of his -- Nay, good Wickedness, his humour, his humour.
CAR . Why, he loves dogs, and hawks, and his wife well; he has a good riding face, and he can sit a great horse; he will taint a staff well at tile; when he is mounted he looks like the sign of the George, that's all I know; save, that instead of a dragon, he will brandish against a tree, and break his sword as confidently upon the knotty bark, as the other did upon the scales of the beast.
FAST. O, but this is nothing to that's delivered of him. They say he has dialogues and discourses between his horse, himself, and his dog; and that he will court his own lady, as she were a stranger never encounter'd before.
CAR. Ay, that he will, and make fresh love to her every morning; this gentleman has been a spectator of it, Signior Insulso.SOG. I am resolute to keep a page. -- Say you, sir? [LEAPS FROM WHISPERING WITH CINEDO.
CAR. You have seen Signior Puntarvolo accost his lady? SOG. O, ay, sir.
FAST. And how is the manner of it, prithee, good signior?
SOG . Faith, sir, in very good sort; he has his humours for it, sir; at first, (suppose he were now to come from riding or hunting, or so,) he has his trumpet to sound, and then the waiting-gentlewoman she looks out, and then he speaks, and then she speaks, -- very pretty, i'faith, gentlemen.
FAST. Why, but do you remember no particulars, signior?SOG. O, yes, sir, first, the gentlewoman, she looks out at the window.
CAR. After the trumpet has summon'd a parle, not before?
SOG. No, sir, not before; and then says he, -- ha, ha, ha, ha!
CAR. What says he? be not rapt so.
SOG. Says he, -- ha, ha, ha, ha!
FAST. Nay, speak, speak.
SOG. Ha, ha, ha! -- says he, God save you, says he; -- ha, ha!
CAR. Was this the ridiculous motive to all this passion?
SOG. Nay, that that comes after is, -- ha, ha, ha, ha!
CAR. Doubtless he apprehends more than he utters, this fellow; or else -- [A CRY OF HOUNDS WITHIN.
SOG. List, list, they are come from hunting; stand by, close under this terras, and you shall see it done better than I can show it.
CAR. So it had need, 'twill scarce poise the observation else.
SOG. Faith, I remember all, but the manner of it is quite out of my head.
FAST. O, withdraw, withdraw, it cannot be but a most pleasing object. [THEY STAND ASIDE.
ENTER PUNTARVOLO, FOLLOWED BY HIS HUNTSMAN LEADING A GREYHOUND.
PUNT. Forester, give wind to thy horn. -- Enough; by this the sound hath touch'd the ears of the inclos'd: depart, leave the dog, and take with thee what thou has deserved, the horn and thanks.
[EXIT HUNTSMAN.
FAST. Is't not good?
SOG. Ah, peace; now above, now above!
[A WAITING-GENTLEWOMAN APPEARS AT THE WINDOW.
PUNT. Stay; mine eye hath, on the instant, through the bounty of the window, received the form of a nymph. I will step forward three paces; of the which, I will barely retire one; and, after some little flexure of the knee, with an erected grace salute her; one, two, and three! Sweet lady, God save you!
GENT. [ABOVE.] No, forsooth; I am but the waiting-gentlewoman.CAR. He knew that before.
PUNT. Pardon me: 'humanum est errare'.
CAR. He learn'd that of his chaplain.
PUNT . To the perfection of compliment (which is the dial of the thought, and guided by the sun of your beauties,) are required these three specials; the gnomon, the puntilios, and the superficies: the superficies is that we call place; the puntilios, circumstance; and the gnomon, ceremony; in either of which, for a stranger to err, 'tis easy and facile; and such am I.
CAR. True, not knowing her horizon, he must needs err; which I fear he knows too well.PUNT. What call you the lord of the castle, sweet face?
GENT. [ABOVE.] The lord of the castle is a knight, sir; signior Puntarvolo.
PUNT. Puntarvolo! O -
CAR. Now must he ruminate.
FAST . Does the wench know him all this while, then? CAR. O, do you know me, man? why, therein lies the syrup of the jest; it's a project, a designment of his own, a thing studied, and rehearst as ordinarily at his coming from hawking or hunting, as a jig after a play.
SOG. Ay, e'en like your jig, sir.PUNT. 'Tis a most sumptuous and stately edifice! Of what years is the knight, fair damsel?
GENT. Faith, much about your years, sir.
PUNT. What complexion, or what stature bears he?
GENT. Of your stature, and very near upon your complexion.
PUNT. Mine is melancholy, --
CAR. So is the dog's, just.
PUNT. And doth argue constancy, chiefly in love. What are his endowments? is he courteous?
GENT. O, the most courteous knight in Christian land, sir.
PUNT. Is he magnanimous?
GENT. As the skin between your brows, sir.
PUNT. Is he bountiful?
CAR. 'Slud, he takes an inventory of his own good parts.
GENT. Bountiful! ay, sir, I would you should know it; the poor are served at his gate, early and late, sir.
PUNT. Is he learned?
GENT. O, ay, sir, he can speak the French and Italian.
PUNT. Then he has travelled?
GENT. Ay, forsooth, he hath been beyond seas once or twice.
CAR. As far as Paris, to fetch over a fashion, and come back again.
PUNT. Is he religious? GENT. Religious! I know not what you call religious, but he goes to church, I am sure.
FAST. 'Slid, methinks these answers should offend him.CAR. Tut, no; he knows they are excellent, and to her capacity that speaks them.
PUNT. Would I might but see his face!
CAR. She should let down a glass from the window at that word, and request him to look in't.
PUNT. Doubtless the gentleman is most exact, and absolutely qualified; doth the castle contain him?
GENT. No, sir, he is from home, but his lady is within.
PUNT. His lady! what, is she fair, splendidious, and amiable?
GENT. O, Lord, sir.
PUNT . Prithee, dear nymph, intreat her beauties to shine on this side of the building.
[EXIT WAITING-GENTLEWOMAN FROM THE WINDOW.
FAST. Nay, thou art such another cynic now, a man had need walk uprightly before thee.
CAR. Heart, can any man walk more upright than he does? Look, look; as if he went in a frame, or had a suit of wainscot on: and the dog watching him, lest he should leap out on't.
FAST. O, villain!CAR. Well, an e'er I meet him in the city, I'll have him jointed, I'll pawn him in Eastcheap, among the butchers, else.
FAST. Peace; who be these, Carlo?
ENTER SORDIDO AND FUNGOSO.
SORD. Yonder's your godfather; do your duty to him, son. SOG. This, sir? a poor elder brother of mine, sir, a yeoman, may dispend some seven or eight hundred a year; that's his son, my nephew, there.
PUNT. You are not ill come, neighbour Sordido, though I have not yet said, wellcome; what, my godson is grown a great proficient by this.SORD. I hope he will grow great one day, sir.
FAST. What does he study? the law?
SOG. Ay, sir, he is a gentleman, though his father be but a yeoman.
CAR. What call you your nephew, signior?
SOG. Marry, his name is Fungoso.
CAR. Fungoso! O, he look'd somewhat like a sponge in that pink'd yellow doublet, methought; well, make much of him; I see he was never born to ride upon a mule.
GENT. [REAPPEARS AT THE WINDOW.] My lady will come presently, sir.SOG. O, now, now!
PUNT. Stand by, retire yourselves a space; nay, pray you, forget not the use of your hat; the air is piercing.
[SORDIDO AND FUNGOSO WITHDRAW.
CAR. O, no; it's a mere flood, a torrent carries all afore it.
[LADY PUNTARVOLO APPEARS AT THE WINDOW. PUNT. What more than heavenly pulchritude is this. What magazine, or treasury of bliss?
Dazzle, you organs to my optic sense,
To view a creature of such eminence:
O, I am planet-struck, and in yon sphere
A brighter star than Venus doth appear!
CAR. An extacy, an extacy, man. LADY P. [ABOVE] is your desire to speak with me, sir knight?
CAR. He will tell you that anon; neither his brain nor his body are yet moulded for an answer.
PUNT. Most debonair, and luculent lady, I decline me as low as the basis of your altitude.
COR. He makes congies to his wife in geometrical proportions.
MIT. Is it possible there should be any such humorist?
COR. Very easily possible, sir, you see there is.
PUNT . I have scarce collected my spirits, but lately scattered in the administration of your form; to which, if the bounties of your mind be any way responsible, I doubt not but my desires shall find a smooth and secure passage.
I am a poor knight-errant, lady, that hunting in the adjacent forest, was, by adventure, in the pursuit of a hart, brought to this place; which hart, dear madam, escaped by enchantment: the evening approaching myself and servant wearied, my suit is, to enter your fair castle and refresh me.
LADY. Sir knight, albeit it be not usual with me, chiefly in the absence of a husband, to admit any entrance to strangers, yet in the true regard of those innated virtues, and fair parts, which so strive to express themselves, in you; I am resolved to entertain you to the best of my unworthy power; which I acknowledge to be nothing, valued with what so worthy a person may deserve. Please you but stay while I descend.
[EXIT FROM THE WINDOW.PUNT. Most admired lady, you astonish me. [WALKS ASIDE WITH SORDIDO AND HIS SON.
CAR. What! with speaking a speech of your own penning?
FAST. Nay, look: prithee, peace.
CAR. Pox on't! I am impatient of such foppery.
FAST . O let us hear the rest. CAR. What! a tedious chapter of courtship, after sir Lancelot and queen Guenever? Away! I marle in what dull cold nook he found this lady out; that, being a woman, she was blest with no more copy of wit but to serve his humour thus. 'Slud, I think he feeds her with porridge, I: she could never have such a thick brain else.
SOG. Why, is porridge so hurtful, signior?CAR. O, nothing under heaven more prejudicial to those ascending subtle powers, or doth sooner abate that which we call 'acumen ingenii', than your gross fare: Why, I'll make you an instance; your city-wives, but observe 'em, you have not more perfect true fools in the world bred than they are generally; and yet you see, by the fineness and delicacy of their diet, diving into the fat capons, drinking your rich wines, feeding on larks, sparrows, potato-pies, and such good unctuous meats, how their wits are refined and rarified; and sometimes a very quintessence of conceit flows from them, able to drown a weak apprehension.
ENTER LADY PUNTARVOLO AND HER WAITING-WOMAN.FAST. Peace, here comes the lady..
LADY. Gad's me, here's company! turn in again. [EXIT WITH HER WOMAN.
FAST. 'Slight, our presence has cut off the convoy of the jest.
CAR . All the better, I am glad on't; for the issue was very perspicuous. Come let's discover, and salute the knight.
[THEY COME FORWARD.
PUNT. Stay; who be these that address themselves towards us? What Carlo! Now by the sincerity of my soul, welcome; welcome, gentlemen: and how dost thou, thou 'Grand Scourge', or 'Second Untruss of the time'?
CAR . Faith, spending my metal in this reeling world (here and there), as the sway of my affection carries me, and perhaps stumble upon a yeoman-feuterer, as I do now; or one of fortune's mules, laden with treasure, and an empty cloakbag, following him, gaping when a gab will untie.
PUNT. Peace, you bandog, peace! What brisk Nymphadoro is that in the white virgin-boot there?CAR . Marry, sir, one that I must interest you to take a very particular knowledge of, and with more than ordinary respect; monsieur Fastidious.
PUNT. Sir, I could wish, that for the time of your vouchsafed abiding here, and more real entertainment, this is my house stood on the Muses hill, and these my orchards were those of the Hesperides.
CAR. I have a better opinion of his faith, than to think it will be so corrupted.
SOG. Come, brother, I'll bring you acquainted with gentlemen, and good fellows, such as shall do you more grace than --
SORD. Brother, I hunger not for such acquaintance: Do you take heed, lest -- [CARLO COMES TOWARD THEM.
SOG. Husht! My brother, sir, for want of education, sir, somewhat nodding to the boor, the clown; but I request you in private, sir.
FUNG . [LOOKING AT FASTIDIOUS BRISK.] By heaven, it is a very fine suit of clothes.
[ASIDE.
MIT. What! he is enamour'd of the fashion, is he?
COR. O, you forestall the jest.
FUNG. I marle what it might stand him in. [ASIDE.
SOG. Nephew!
FUNG. 'Fore me, it's an excellent suit, and as neatly becomes him. [ASIDE.] -- What said you, uncle?
SOG. When saw you my niece?
FUNG. Marry, yesternight I supp'd there. -- That kind of boot does very rare too. [ASIDE.