Act IV
Enter Abigal sola.
Abigal. Alas poor Gentlewoman, to what a misery hath Age brought thee: to what a scurvy Fortune! Thou that hast been a Companion for Noblemen, and at the worst of those times for Gentlemen: now like a broken Servingman, must beg for favour to those, that would have crawl'd like Pilgrims to my Chamber but for an Apparition of me. You that be coming on, make much of fifteen, and so till five and twenty: use your time with reverence, that your profits may arise: it will not tarry with you, Ecce signum: here was a face, but time that like a surfeit eats our youth, plague of his iron teeth, and draw 'em for't, has been a little bolder here than welcome: and now to say the truth, I am fit for no man. Old men i'th' house of fifty, call me Granum; and when they are drunk, e'ne then, when Jone and my Lady are all one, not one will do me reason. My little Levite hath forsaken me, his silver sound of Cittern quite abolish[t], [h]is doleful hymns under my Chamber window, digested into tedious learning: well fool, you leapt a Haddock when you left him: he's a clean man, and a good edifier, and twenty nobles is his state de claro, besides his pigs in posse. To this good Homilist I have been ever stubborn, which God forgive me for, and mend my manners: and Love, if ever thou hadst care of forty, of such a piece of lape ground, hear my prayer, and fire his zeal so far forth that my faults in this renued impression of my love may shew corrected to our gentle reader.
Enter Roger.
See how negligently he passes by me: with what an Equipage Canonical, as though he had broken the heart of Bellarmine, or added something to the singing Brethren. 'Tis scorn, I know it, and deserve it, Mr. Roger.
Rog. Fair Gentlewoman, my name is Roger.
Abig. Then gentle Roger?
Rog. Ungentle Abigal.
Abig. Why M'r Roger will you set your wit to a weak womans?
Rog. You are weak indeed: for so the Poet sings.
Abig. I do confess my weakness, sweet Sir Roger.
Rog. Good my Ladies Gentlewoman, or my good Ladies Gentlewoman (this trope is lost to you now) leave your prating, you have a season of your first mother in ye: and surely had the Devil been in love, he had been abused too: go Dalilah, you make men fools, and wear Fig-breeches.
Abi. Well, well, hard hearted man; dilate upon the weak infirmities of women: these are fit texts, but once there was a time, would I had never seen those eyes, those eyes, those orient eyes.
Rog. I they were pearls once with you.
Abi. Saving your reverence Sir, so they are still.
Rog. Nay, nay, I do beseech you leave your cogging, what they are, they are, they serve me without Spectacles I thank 'em.
Abig. O will you kill me?
Rog. I do not think I can, Y'are like a Copy-hold with nine lives in't.
Abig. You were wont to bear a Christian fear about you: For your own worships sake.
Rog. I was a Christian fool then: Do you remember what a dance you led me? how I grew qualm'd in love, and was a dunce? could expound but once a quarter, and then was out too: and then out of the stinking stir you put me in, I prayed for my own issue. You do remember all this?
Abig. O be as then you were!
Rog. I thank you for it, surely I will be wiser Abigal: and as the Ethnick Poet sings, I will not lose my oyl and labour too. Y'are for the worshipfull I take it Abigal.
Abig. O take it so, and then I am for thee!
Rog. I like these tears well, and this humbling also, they are Symptomes of contrition. If I should fall into my fit again, would you not shake me into a quotidian Coxcombe? Would you not use me scurvily again, and give me possets with purging Confets in't? I tell thee Gentlewoman, thou hast been harder to me, than a long pedigree.
Abig. O Curate cure me: I will love thee better, dearer, longer: I will do any thing, betray the secrets of the main household to thy reformation. My Ladie shall look lovingly on thy learning, and when true time shall point thee for a Parson, I will convert thy egges to penny custards, and thy tith goose shall graze and multiply.
Rog. I am mollified, as well shall testifie this faithfull kiss, and have a great care Mistris Abigal how you depress the Spirit any more with your rebukes and mocks: for certainly the edge of such a follie cuts it self.
Abigal. O Sir, you have pierc'd me thorow. Here I vow a recantation to those malicious faults I ever did against you. Never more will I despise your learning, never more pin cards and cony tails upon your Cassock, never again reproach your reverend nightcap, and call it by the mangie name of murrin, never your reverend person more, and say, you look like one of Baals Priests in a hanging, never again when you say grace laugh at you, nor put you out at prayers: never cramp you more, nor when you ride, get Sope and Thistles for you. No my Roger, these faults shall be corrected and amended, as by the tenour of my tears appears.
Rog. Now cannot I hold if I should be hang'd, I must crie too. Come to thine own beloved, and do even what thou wilt with me sweet, sweet Abigal. I am thine own for ever: here's my hand, when Roger proves a recreant, hang him i'th' Bel-ropes.
Enter Lady, and Martha.
Lady. Why how now Master Roger, no prayers down with you to night? Did you hear the bell ring? You are courting: your flock shall fat well for it.
Rog. I humbly ask your pardon: I'le clap up Prayers, but stay a little, and be with you again. [Exit Roger.
Enter Elder Love.
Lady. How dare you, being so unworthie a fellow,
Presume to come to move me any more?
Elder Lo. Ha, ha, ha.
Lady. What ails the fellow?
Elder Lo. The fellow comes to laugh at you, I tell you Ladie I would not for your Land, be such a Coxcomb, such a whining Ass, as you decreed me for when I was last here.
Lady. I joy to hear you are wise, 'tis a rare Jewel In an Elder Brother: pray be wiser yet.
Elder Lo. Me thinks I am very wise: I do not come a wooing. Indeed I'le move no more love to your Ladiship.
Lady. What makes you here then?
Elder Lo. Only to see you and be merry Ladie: that's all my business. Faith let's be very merry. Where's little Roger? he's a good fellow: an hour or two well spent in wholesome mirth, is worth a thousand of these puling passions. 'Tis an ill world for Lovers.
Lady. They were never fewer.
Elder Lo. I thank God there's one less for me Ladie.
Lady. You were never any Sir.
Elder Lo. Till now, and now I am the prettiest fellow.
Lady. You talk like a Tailor Sir.
Elder Lo. Me thinks your faces are no such fine things now.
Lady. Why did you tell me you were wise? Lord what a lying age is this, where will you mend these faces?
Elder Lo. A Hogs face soust is worth a hundred of 'em.
Lady. Sure you had a Sow to your Mother.
Elder Lo. She brought such fine white Pigs as you, fit for none but Parsons Ladie.
Lady. 'Tis well you will allow us our Clergie yet.
Elder Lo. That shall not save you. O that I were in love again with a wish.
Lady. By this light you are a scurvie fellow, pray be gone.
Elder Lo. You know I am a clean skin'd man.
Lady. Do I know it?
Elder Lo. Come, come, you would know it; that's as good: but not a snap, never long for't, not a snap dear Ladie.
Lady. Hark ye Sir, hark ye, get ye to the Suburbs, there's horse flesh for such hounds: will you goe Sir?
Elder Lo. Lord how I lov'd this woman, how I worshipt this prettie calf with the white face here: as I live, you were the prettiest fool to play withall, the wittiest little varlet, it would talk: Lord how it talk't! and when I angred it, it would cry out, and scratch, and eat no meat, and it would say, goe hang.
Lady. It will say so still, if you anger it.
Elder Lo. And when I askt it, if it would be married, it sent me of an errand into France, and would abuse me, and be glad it did so.
Lady. Sir this is most unmanly, pray by gon.
Elder Lo. And swear (even when it twitter'd to be at me) I was unhansome.
Lady. Have you no manners in you?
Elder Lo. And say my back was melted, when God he knows, I kept it at a charge: Four Flaunders Mares would have been easier to me, and a Fencer.
Lady. You think all this is true now?
Elder Lo. Faith whether it be or no, 'tis too good for you. But so much for our mirth: Now have at you in earnest.
La. There is enough Sir, I desire no more.
El. Lo. Yes faith, wee'l have a cast at your best parts now. And then the Devil take the worst.
Lady. Pray Sir no more, I am not so much affected with your commendations, 'tis almost dinner, I know they stay for you at the Ordinary.
Elder Lo. E'ne a short Grace, and then I am gone; You are a woman, and the proudest that ever lov'd a Coach: the scornfullest, scurviest, and most senceless woman; the greediest to be prais'd, and never mov'd though it be gross and open; the most envious, that at the poor fame of anothers face, would eat your own, and more than is your own, the paint belonging to it: of such a self opinion, that you think none can deserve your glove: and for your malice, you are so excellent, you might have been your Tempters tutor: nay, never cry.
Lady. Your own heart knows you wrong me: I cry for ye?
Elder Lo. You shall before I leave you.
Lady. Is all this spoke in earnest?
Elder Lo. Yes and more as soon as I can get it out.
Lady. Well out with't.
Elder Lo. You are, let me see.
Lady. One that has us'd you with too much respect.
Elder Lo. One that hath us'd me (since you will have it so) the basest, the most Foot-boy-like, without respect of what I was, or what you might be by me; you have us'd me, as I would use a jade, ride him off's legs, then turn him to the Commons; you have us'd me with discretion, and I thank ye. If you have many more such pretty Servants, pray build an Hospital, and when they are old, pray keep 'em for shame.
Lady. I cannot think yet this is serious.
Elder Lo. Will you have more on't?
Lady. No faith, there's enough if it be true: Too much by all my part; you are no Lover then?
Elder Lo. No, I had rather be a Carrier.
Lady. Why the Gods amend all.
Elder Lo. Neither do I think there can be such a fellow found i'th' world, to be in love with such a froward woman, if there be such, they're mad, Jove comfort 'em. Now you have all, and I as new a man, as light, and spirited, that I feel my self clean through another creature. O 'tis brave to be ones own man, I can see you now as I would see a Picture, sit all day by you and never kiss your hand: hear you sing, and never fall backward: but with as set a temper, as I would hear a Fidler, rise and thank you. I can now keep my mony in my purse, that still was gadding out for Scarfes and Wastcoats: and keep my hand from Mercers sheep-skins finely. I can eat mutton now, and feast my self with my two shillings, and can see a play for eighteen pence again: I can my Ladie.
Lady. The carriage of this fellow vexes me. Sir, pray let me speak a little private with you, I must not suffer this.
Elder Lo. Ha, ha, ha, what would you with me? You will not ravish me? Now, your set speech?
Lady. Thou perjur'd man.
Elder Lo. Ha, ha, ha, this is a fine exordium. And why I pray you perjur'd?
Lady. Did you not swear a thousand thousand times you lov'd me best of all things?
Elder Lo. I do confess it: make your best of that.
Lady. Why do you say you do not then?
Elder Lo. Nay I'le swear it, And give sufficient reason, your own usage.
Lady. Do you not love me then?
Elder Lo. No faith.
Lady. Did you ever think I lov'd you dearly?
Elder Lo. Yes, but I see but rotten fruits on't.
Lady. Do not denie your hand for I must kiss it, and take my last farewell, now let me die so you be happy.
El. Lo. I am too foolish: Ladie speak dear Ladie.
Lady. No let me die. She swounds.
Mar. Oh my Sister!
Abi. O my Ladie help, help.
Mar. Run for some Rosalis!
Elder Lo. I have plaid the fine ass: bend her bodie, Lady, best, dearest, worthiest Lady, hear your Servant, I am not as I shew'd: O wretched fool, to fling away the Jewel of thy life thus. Give her more air, see she begins to stir, sweet Mistress hear me!
Lady. Is my Servant well?
Elder Lo. In being yours I am so.
Lady. Then I care not.
Elder Lo. How do ye, reach a chair there; I confess my fault not pardonable, in pursuing thus upon such tenderness my wilfull error; but had I known it would have wrought thus with ye, thus strangely, not the world had won me to it, and let not (my best Ladie) any word spoke to my end disturb your quiet peace: for sooner shall you know a general ruine, than my faith broken. Do not doubt this Mistris, for by my life I cannot live without you. Come, come, you shall not grieve, rather be angrie, and heap infliction upon me: I will suffer. O I could curse my self, pray smile upon me. Upon my faith it was but a trick to trie you, knowing you lov'd me dearlie, and yet strangely that you would never shew it, though my means was all humilitie.
All. Ha, ha.
Elder Lo. How now?
Lady. I thank you fine fool for your most fine plot; this was a subtile one, a stiff device to have caught Dottrels with. Good senceless Sir, could you imagine I should swound for you, and know your self to be an arrant ass? I, a discovered one. 'Tis quit I thank you Sir. Ha, ha, ha.
Mar. Take heed Sir, she may chance to swound again.
All. Ha, ha, ha.
Abi. Step to her Sir, see how she changes colour.
Elder Lo. I'le goe to hell first, and be better welcom.
I am fool'd, I do confess it, finely fool'd,
Ladie, fool'd Madam, and I thank you for it.
Lady. Faith 'tis not so much worth Sir:
But if I knew when you come next a burding,
I'le have a stronger noose to hold the Woodcock.
All. Ha, ha, ha.
Elder Lo. I am glad to see you merry, pray laugh on.
Mar. H'ad a hard heart that could not laugh at you Sir, ha, ha, ha.
Lady. Pray Sister do not laugh, you'le anger him,
And then hee'l rail like a rude Costermonger,
That School-boys had couzened of his Apples,
As loud and senceless.
Elder Lo. I will not rail.
Mar. Faith then let's hear him Sister.
Elder Lo. Yes, you shall hear me.
Lady. Shall we be the better by it then?
Eld. L. No, he that makes a woman better by his words,
I'le have him Sainted: blows will not doe it.
Lady. By this light hee'll beat us.
Elder Lo. You do deserve it richly,
And may live to have a Beadle doe it.
Lady. Now he rails.
Elder Lo. Come scornfull Folly,
If this be railing, you shall hear me rail.
Lady. Pray put it in good words then.
Elder Lo. The worst are good enough for such a trifle,
Such a proud piece of Cobweblawn.
Lady. You bite Sir?
Elder Lo. I would till the bones crackt, and I had my will.
Mar. We had best muzzel him, he grows mad.
Elder Lo. I would 'twere lawfull in the next great sickness to have the Dogs spared, those harmless creatures, and knock i'th' head these hot continual plagues, women, that are more infectious. I hope the State will think on't.
Lady. Are you well Sir?
Mar. He looks as though he had a grievous fit o'th' Colick.
Elder Lo. Green-ginger will cure me.
Abig. I'le heat a trencher for him.
Elder Lo. Durty December doe, Thou with a face as old as Erra Pater, such a Prognosticating nose: thou thing that ten years since has left to be a woman, outworn the expectation of a Baud; and thy dry bones can reach at nothing now, but gords or ninepins, pray goe fetch a trencher goe.
Lady. Let him alone, he's crack't.
Abig. I'le see him hang'd first, is a beastly fellow to use a woman of my breeding thus; I marry is he: would I were a man, I'de make him eat his Knaves words!
Elder Lo. Tie your she Otter up, good Lady folly, she stinks worse than a Bear-baiting.
Lady. Why will you be angry now?
Elder Lo. Goe paint and purge, call in your kennel with you: you a Lady?
Abi. Sirra, look to't against the quarter Sessions, if there be good behaviour in the world, I'le have thee bound to it.
Elder Lo. You must not seek it in your Ladies house then; pray send this Ferret home, and spin good Abigal. And Madam, that your Ladiship may know, in what base manner you have us'd my service, I do from this hour hate thee heartily; and though your folly should whip you to repentance, and waken you at length to see my wrongs, 'tis not the endeavour of your life shall win me; not all the friends you have, intercession, nor your submissive letters, though they spoke as many tears as words; not your knees grown to th' ground in penitence, nor all your state, to kiss you; nor my pardon, nor will to give you Christian burial, if you dye thus; so farewell. When I am married and made sure, I'le come and visit you again, and vex you Ladie. By all my hopes I'le be a torment to you, worse than a tedious winter. I know you will recant and sue to me, but save that labour: I'le rather love a fever and continual thirst, rather contract my youth to drink and sacerdote upon quarrels, or take a drawn whore from an Hospital, that time, diseases, and Mercury had eaten, than to be drawn to love you.
Lady. Ha, ha, ha, pray do, but take heed though.
Elder Lo. From thee, false dice, jades, Cowards, and plaguy Summers, good Lord deliver me. [Exit Elder Love.
Lady. But hark you Servant, hark ye: is he gon? call him again.
Abigal. Hang him Paddock.
Lady. Art thou here still? flie, flie, and call my Servant, flie or ne'r see me more.
Abigal. I had rather knit again than see that rascall, but I must doe it. [Exit Abigal.
Lady. I would be loth to anger him too much; what fine foolery is this in a woman, to use those men most forwardly they love most? If I should lose him thus, I were rightly served. I hope he's not so much himself, to take it to th'heart: how now? will he come back?
Enter Abigal.
Abig. Never, he swears, whilst he can hear men say there's any woman living: he swore he would ha' me first.
Lady. Didst thou intreat him wench?
Abigal. As well as I could Madam. But this is still your way, to love being absent, and when he's with you, laugh at him and abuse him. There's another way if you could hit on't.
Lady. Thou saist true, get me paper, pen and ink, I'le write to him, I'de be loth he should sleep in's anger. Women are most fools when they think th'are wisest.
[Ex. Omnes.
Musick. Enter Young Loveless, and Widow, going to be Married, with them his Comrades.
Widow. Pray Sir cast off these fellows, as unfitting for your bare knowledge, and far more your companie: is't fit such Ragamuffins as these are should bear the name of friends? and furnish out a civil house? ye're to be married now, and men that love you must expect a course far from your old carrier: if you will keep 'em, turn 'em to th' stable, and there make 'em grooms: and yet now consider it, such beggars once set o' horse back, you have heard will ride, how far you had best to look.
Captain. Hear you, you that must be Ladie, pray content your self and think upon your carriage soon at night, what dressing will best take your Knight, what wastcote, what cordial will do well i'th' morning for him, what triers have you?
Widow. What do you mean Sir?
Capt. Those that must switch him up: if he start well, fear not but cry Saint George, and bear him hard: when you perceive his wind growes hot and wanting, let him a little down, he's fleet, ne're doubt him, and stands sound.
Widow. Sir, you hear these fellows?
Young Love. Merrie companions, wench, Merry companions.
Widow. To one another let 'em be companions, but good Sir not to you: you shall be civil and slip off these base trappings.
Cap. He shall not need, my most swee[t] Ladie Grocer, if he be civil, not your powdered Sugar, nor your Raisins shall perswade the Captain to live a Coxcomb with him; let him be civil and eat i'th' Arches, and see what will come on't.
Poet. Let him be civil, doe: undo him; I, that's the next way. I will not take (if he be civil once) two hundred pound a year to live with him; be civil? there's a trim perswasion.
Capt. If thou beest civil Knight, as Jove defends it, get thee another nose, that will be pull'd off by the angry boyes for thy conversion: the children thou shalt get on this Civillian cannot inherit by the law, th'are Ethnicks, and all thy sport meer Moral leacherie: when they are grown, having but little in 'em, they may prove Haberdashers, or gross Grocers, like their dear Damm there: prethee be civil Knight, in time thou maist read to thy houshold, and be drunk once a year: this would shew finely.
Young Lo. I wonder sweet heart you will offer this, you do not understand these Gentlemen: I will be short and pithy: I had rather cast you off by the way of charge: these are Creatures, that nothing goes to the maintenance of but Corn and Water. I will keep these fellows just in the competencie of two Hens.
Wid. If you can cast it so Sir, you have my liking. If they eat less, I should not be offended: But how these Sir, can live upon so little as Corn and Water, I am unbelieving.
Young Lo. Why prethee sweet heart what's your Ale? is not that Corn and Water, my sweet Widow?
Wid. I but my sweet Knight where's the meat to this, and cloaths that they must look for?
Young Lo. In this short sentence Ale, is all included: Meat, Drink, and Cloth; These are no ravening Footmen, no fellows, that at Ordinaries dare eat their eighteen pence thrice out before they rise, and yet goe hungry to play, and crack more nuts than would suffice a dozen Squirrels; besides the din, which is damnable: I had rather rail, and be confin'd to a Boatmaker, than live amongst such rascals; these are people of such a clean discretion in their diet, of such a moderate sustenance, that they sweat if they but smell hot meat.
Porredge is poison, they hate a Kitchin as they hate a Counter, and show 'em but a Feather-bed they swound. Ale is their eating and their drinking surely, which keeps their bodies clear, and soluble. Bread is a binder, and for that abolisht even in their Ale, whose lost room fills an apple, which is more airy and of subtiler nature. The rest they take is little, and that little is little easie: For like strict men of order, they do correct their bodies with a bench, or a poor stubborn table; if a chimny offer it self with some few broken rushes, they are in down: when they are sick, that's drunk, they may have fresh straw, else they do despise these worldly pamperings. For their poor apparel, 'tis worn out to the diet; new they seek none, and if a man should offer, they are angrie, scarce to be reconcil'd again with him: you shall not hear 'em ask one a cast doublet once in a year, which is modesty befitting my poor friends: you see their Wardrobe, though slender, competent: For shirts I take it, they are things worn out of their remembrance. Lousie they will be when they list, and mangie, which shows a fine variety: and then to cure 'em, a Tanners limepit, which is little charge, two dogs, and these; these two may be cur'd for 3. pence.
Wid. You have half perswaded me, pray use your pleasure: and my good friends since I do know your diet, I'le take an order, meat shall not offend you, you shall have Ale.
Capt. We ask no more, let it be, mighty Lady: and if we perish, then our own sins on us.
Young Lo. Come forward Gentlemen, to Church my boys, when we have done, I'le give you cheer in bowles.
[Exeunt.