I was out with Franky and Denise getting drinks. We were laughing and smiling as per usual. They were talking about obscure music as I was too. We like to almost compete with one another to prove who was more unique in the subtlest of ways, whose taste were the more refined. The intellectual qualms of hipsterdom at its finest. We had all ordered a couple glasses of wine, and it was sure beginning to take effect because I was starting to feel slutey. Ya, if it’s one thing a good old glass of cab will do to me is make a genuine classy broad… I mean… I mean… You know I have no idea what I meant by that. Any who, goddamn these two girls were my fucking besties. Compadres to the end. Friends that don’t die when their 22, but live on forever in the smiles of one another. Unceasingly did they give me hope, I thought to myself in this dimly lit little bar. Unceasingly do they fill my heart with joy, I silently whispered. They were my greatest medicine but, then again, therein lie the problem.
Now if you don’t quite see the problem I don’t blame you, or maybe you do understand a little more than I give you credit for. Maybe you know the double edge sword of friendship with a beautiful woman, or in this case women. For it is quite a calamity of affairs. You know, to be a best friend guy and not a boyfriend guy. Calamity I tell you! Calamity! What makes women want to marry me, but not date me? Does not one follow the other? It probably has a lot to do with the girls I choose to fall in lov… I mean like. I tend to float towards the impossible, is what Denise tells me. I like to be used, she says to me with her eyes. To be used and to consent fully in doing so. Slaves sometimes choose their own chains that fit them best. Anyone who says otherwise is a fucking liar. You have to like it in some sort of fucked up way. It’s part of some fantasy that you never expect to come true, but it’s a hell of a dream to dream about in realities bypass. I don’t know where I’m going with this though. It’s best to get back to this moment now, with these two beautiful smiles I got sitting across from me.
Hey girls you want another drink, I asks them. You buying sweet cheeks, Franky asks me. You know it, I says to her. You’re the bestest darling, Denise says to me with a flare of affection. Anything for you two, I says to both them. Denise continued to smile as she glanced down at the floor while Franky ran off to the bathroom in a fucking tiffy. I waited a second. Denise, I says. She looks up at me with those big brown golden eyes as she says, What’s up? Just wanted to tell you you look beautiful tonight, I says to her. Just tonight, she replies. Naw you’ve had a couple other ones here and there, I says with a coy laugh. She laughed in return. How bout you get those drinks right now and I might just forget how much of an asshole you can be, she says to me with some sass. Your wish is my command sweetheart, I says with a bow as I stroll off to the bar. Hey, she says to me, as I turn around half expecting her to throw something at me in retaliation. Thanks, she says, half blushing. I just winked at her and slowly swung around to the bar. Four glasses of Dark Horse Cab my fine sir, I says to the barkeep. Four glasses. One for each of them and two for me.
As my reality began to emerge from dusk to dawn and the buzzing malice of a vivacious mind began to soothe to whispers in the night, I sat in peace. See Chancey, I says to him, as the intensity of acid befell both of us. People are too wonderful deep down inside to stay mad at. I’m not an idealist ya see, I says. Ya you fucking are, Chancey retorts with a hefty laugh. Ok, ok just hear me out, I says. I’m really just an Ideal realist. Ideal yet real in the love we are capable to show to our fraternal man. That capability, deep down as it may be, is the most ideal and most real thing in all the world, for it is love and as love it shines forth the Father’s face unto the children of men. What the fuck is this kid talking about, Clefus says, as he bust in the room. He was tripping with us as well and I guess had stepped out for a cig before I started my poetic muse. Would you just shut the fuck up for a second you asshat I’m going somewhere with this, I says to him. See Chancey, as I was saying, I says to him. Everyone is wonderful for such a presence is there even though it be ever in the making. Latent beyond all penetrable sight it is still ever in the coming to be. They may steal. They may cheat. They may rape and they may kill. Yes, legion are the sins of mankind. I accept that. God damn my throat is dry as a mother fucker right now, Chancey says to me before ushering me to continue. Ya man this is some dope ass shit, I says to him in agreeance as I thus move to carry on. Ok, so as I was saying, their closed hearts… so closed that it might as well blot out the sun in sky. But even if love fades in these acts from the face of the earth as the eclipse of God summons the night of day there is still hope, I says. There is still hope for love ever lingers in possibility for such is the human soul. Our soul, our possibility is love for even in the darkest of man lies such… to love and be loved by his brothers. So ya thats what I was thinking brother. Did it make much sense, I asks him. I think you like to suck too many fucking cocks is what I think, says Clefus to me in his regular asshat fashion. Well fuck you you fucking neanderthal, I says to him in the most loving of ways possible. Chancey man what are your thoughts, I asks him. Deep brother. A little muddled here and there, but deep, he says to me. Ya man. Ya, I says to him. Not my best acid prose, but hell not everything has to be a goddamn work of fucking art ya know buddy. Never said it did I, he says to me. Sometimes it’s just the intention that matters. I think you just might be onto something there Chancey, I says. I just think you might.
Then the room began to stir with spirit as ripples of my consciousness wavered through surrounding spaces. Fucking shit man, I says to both of them. Did it just hit you hard in the face too, Chancey asks me. Either this is happening hard in the face or I’m losing my goddamn mind brother, I says to him. I closed my eyes slowly not capable of any more conversation than that. Chancey and Clefus would understand I’m sure they was in the exact same place. As light slipped through my partially closed eyes a newer light took hold. I was no longer grounded to the earth of my birth, but soaring… soaring through the underverse of the soul. Prisms danced as celestial cogs moved round. Where was I? Who was I? Questions I could not answer as I became so much more than myself. Interlocked to the mind of God as I took new flight unto a being unknown. Being… Time… SEIN UND ZEIT. There it was moving before my eyes though closed as they may be. There it was… My entire life was moving to the grace of divinity as the concerto of salvation ascented before me. I was ok… I was ok… I wasn’t dead… I was never dead...
As my thoughts moved from celestial to terrestrial I began to think of all those who I have come to know. How my family, my friends, and I were quite attuned to a certain frequency of thought and feeling. At least I thought we were more consistent with it than most. We were broken, perverted, crass, and magnanimous as the heretic who prays. To paraphrase the blessed Thomas Merton we were not complete in ourselves and we knew this. We were incomplete, each one of us. We are deficient. We are sickly. We are tattered. But we saw not horror in our unfinished nature, but only our soul’s yearning to help fulfill one another for we are not all lacking in the same places. Let us share that which our brother needeth and to us let him do the same. To be fulfilled in ways unimaginable in being with another. Where Love’s rhythm resounds between wayward souls. The lost ones come to be found in the arms of the other. Majesty fraternal. God dammit what am I fucking thinking right now. Man this acid must be wearing off and my brain must be fried at this point. O’ fuck is that the mother fucking sun rising. What fucking time is it.
I really have to... I mean really have to stop taking fucking molly on Wednesdays. It's not that it’s just Wednesdays ya see. I take the shit pretty much whenever I can get it. Shit gets you amped all up in the mother fucking club or, in my case, deeply ingrained in the arms of my recliner. Not a big fan of “da club” lately. The smell of piss, chlamydia, and claustrophobia takes one to many drinks to repress. JoJo, on the other hand, is beyond the bars of disbelief that I take this crap and just sit around and chill with Chancey. I don’t know what it is about the wonderful M O L L Y. I don’t know, I just don’t feel the need to go out and rage face like he does when he takes this stuff. Sitting at home talking to my best friend is party enough for these ill bones. We sat there discussing matters of no concern to anyone, beyond our two wandering minds, when Chancey turned his gaze from the tv to me. Hey bud, Chancey says to me. Ya man what’s up, I replied, half dazed from this wonderful drug we both consumed. If I asked you a question would you tell me the truth, he asks me. Uhh kind of an odd question bud, what do you mean, I says to him. I know you’re going through a lot… stuff you don’t always want to talk about, but I guess I just want you to know you can talk to me. That you’ve always been able to talk to me if you wanted to, he says to me. I choked up for a second and swiftly hid it as best I could, but I’m sure Chancey saw. Ya man I know… O’ I know, I says to him. Good, he says to me. So what was your question, I asks him. You already answered it bud, he says to me. I was afraid of that, I says to him. O’ I was afraid of that.
Clefus you sketchy mother fucker answer your mother fucking phone. Fuck it I’m just going over there. Clefus, believe it or not, is the pot king of Oxford. If you smoke any sort of bud higher grade than your frat bro shit in the 2014-2015ish era of Miami chances are it came from Clefus. Clefus. My buddy. Skinny little asian kid by day. Drug lord by night. Any who, I was going over to pick up a dime off him when it happened. OOOOO FUCKKKKKK. As I opened up the door Clefus stumbled in and fell on me with a complete and utter lack of anything you would refer to as grace. He had slight stains of throw up on his work shirt that he failed to change out of before he went out to enjoy a little after work fun. God damn did he smell like a fucking crack addict prostitute. How do I know that… Well I guess we’ll just have to leave to the mysteries of the imagination.
Anyway, as I grabbed him and drug his ass to the futon I did my best to bring myself out of the complete shock that had befell me. God dammit Clefus you scared the living shit out of me, I yells at him. Fuck dude keep it down, I worked a double last night, he says to me in a mumble, still half drunk and reeking of boos. Ya well you look like you drank a couple of them as well, I says to him. Touche, he says, with a nice long belch. God what is that, bourbon, I asks him. I guess, he says. I don’t really remember. Kinda taste like Mickey D’s too, he says in a gasp. Well given the fact that me and Chancey were here all night rolling sack on that molly you hooked us up with, I’m guessing you drove, I says to him quite condescendingly. One might be inclined to come to that conclusion, he says, with that damn smirk he’s always got on his damn mother fucking face. Well fucker, I says to him. You ever heard of a thing called walking home you dumb ass. Yup, he says to me. Isn’t that for the poors, he chuckles again. No, I says to him. That’s for people that have half a fucking head on there shoulders. Correct me if I’m wrong, he says, as he sits up as straight as his drunk ass was capable of, but didn’t your drunk ass drive us home just two fucking nights ago. Well… Well… I says, trying to gather a response. That’s neither here nor there, I says half befuddled. Of course it’s not ya fucking hypocrite, he says to me joshingly. Fuck you, he says to me. Fuck you, he says to Chancey. What the fuck did I do, Chancey says with a confused laugh. And especially fuckkkk you, he says, but given that Chancey and I were the only other two in the room, and it more or less looked that he was referring to the painting I had hung up by the tv, I decided to end this conversation where it lay.
Ok, ok, I says to him. Would you just fucking pass out for godsake. It would be my pleasure, he replies, as he slightly slumps to the right. O’ wait I almost forgot, he says, as he reached into his work vest that was now crumpled up on the floor. I got something for ya. O’ and what is, that I asks him. He digs around for a second. Fuck where did I put that mother fucker, he says. O’ wait here it is. Fuck you, he half yells, as he pulls out a fat middle finger in my face and just starts to lose himself in laughter. O’ really you mother fucking piece of shit, I says to him as I push him off the futon. Now that was a little unnecessary. Deserved maybe. But a little egregious if you ask me. Egregious, I asks, in a purely rhetorical fashion. No fucker egregious would be tossing your ass on the front porch for a while till I calm the desire to punch you in the dick, I says to him half kidding. Well that would be unpleasant, he says, now seemingly sobering up. Ya think, Chancey chimes in. Naw, I’m just kidding, he says, as his laughter slowly stills and comes to a halt. Just kidding. Just kidding. This is what I really gots for ya buddy. This month’s rent, he says, as he does his best to toss a fat little baggy to me. Ahh smells like heaven, I says to him, as I open up the baggy and take a big wiff. How can I ever stay mad at you, I says to him. I know you love me, he says. These were of course his last words for the moment as he slipped off into some overdue slumber. You want to smoke this, I turn to Chancey and asks. Fuck you what kinda of dumb mother fucking question is that, he retorts. I thought as much, I says to him, as I wistfully moved to grab the grinder to commence such a hourly ceremony as this. I thought as much.