Ch. 16
It was finals week. Well kinda. I had finished most of my finals work already, given I had only remained in two classes. My friends all thought I was a bastard for that. Hell I kinda was. They thought I didn’t give a fuck. Literally only if they knew how few fucks I gave about getting my degree at this point. There was a time when it mattered, but hell, as I grew closer to the shadow the light of education outside my own personal fancy faded deeply. So as I finished up my research for both my papers I had to turn in by the end of the week, I took a deep breathe of relief. God damn if you only knew how much addy I had to consume to get my ass here. I kinda took to much of said addy from Clefus’ stash without asking, but I figured he wouldn’t care. He saw that I hadn’t been doing so good these past few weeks. I’m sure his concern started long ago, as did Chancey’s, about my consumption issue with this particular drug, but I only became aware of it as I started having to dip into his pocket to continue my self medication. The LSD with them was one thing, but god damn could I drop some cash on some addy and o’ lordy lordy how I could shove that shit up my nose. I don’t even really get the buzz anymore. Not like I use to. God damn, freshmen year finals week, when I first tried the shit, I was speeding like a bat out of imaginary hell, but now it just made the pain go away. I mean sure the shit will keep me up on occasion, but it was nowhere near the high it once was, if it could be considered one at all anymore.
See, I had blown through 8 grand of my last loan from the good ole devil’s at… well I shall leave them unnamed in case they are listening. Fucking bastards… Well any who, I blew a fuck ton of money buying drugs and other shit for both myself and other people. Now that it was all gone I was left to stealing from one of my best friends, just hoping he wouldn’t say anything about it. Hoping he wasn’t talking with Chancey about me behind my back. Maybe I was just paranoid or merely just expressing the common symptomatic nature of someone flirting between self medicating and being addicted. Ya know, confusing care for judgement. Confusing borrowing with stealing. And most importantly, an unhealthy tolerance with justifying my “habit.” But I thought I needed it to study, or at least that’s what I always told them. God I’m a piece of shit I guess. Enough of my fucking self deprecation for the moment though. I have to be up in like 4 hours anyway. Fuck go to sleep. GO TO FUCKING SLEEP YOU PIECE OF SHIT.
I don’t know what just woke me. Don’t get me wrong I’m fucking glad that it did. I had somewhere to be. Not my usual thought process when waking up at 5:38 in the morning. Fuck it's 5:38. I was suppose to be up, showered, and vested up 32 and a half fucking minutes ago. Text Franky. God she’s probably waiting or back to fucking sleep by now. Don’t you fall back asleep you fucking artard. WAKE THE FUCK UP ITS GAME TIME MOTHERFUCKER!! Ok shit that did it. Well that and the adderall, I’m guessing, might have something to do with my sudden alertness in this dark hour. Sniff. Sniff. Ok we’re good. Fucking shit did that feel good. God damn have I been taking a shit ton of this crap… Fuck me.... Fuck me for that… But more importantly fuck me where the fuck is my fucking towel, I yelled in my head, as to not wake JoJo on this solemn Wednesday. I entered the shower. Fuck, just jump in and crack the water. You’ll just have to fucking find it when you get out. God damn was I out of it right now. Ya see, distraction and sleep deprivation where my true poisons, the addy just aided in the pursuit of such. Distraction is the more complicated of the two. The lack of sleep was, at best, a cheesey poetic attempt at something I’ve already brought up. Something like life is to short to sleep for the dying or whatever the fuck I said earlier.
No the distraction was the core. When I was snorting that shit it wasn’t the non-existent high I chased. No it was just the simple fact that when I was blowing lines I would forget. Forget that my life was crumbling everywhere I fucking looked. I was dying and I didn’t want anyone to see. But they could. O’ how they could if they knew me well enough. Everyone could see and everyone knew, even if I didn’t tell them how soon, my death was beginning to emanate in the air that surrounded me. Its waff ever present... no matter how deep I cut. Seeing me get lost like that had to be such a bewildering experience for the spectator, whether they were beloved or not. The scars of my humanity burned brightly in the eyes of my brothers and sisters, though how I wanted them only to see the me that was hurting so dearly. How I just wanted to be held. How I just wanted someone to fucking hold me for a second and cry with me. Let me cry with them. But that wasn’t as easy to acquire as the fucking drugs, so it's not hard to see which won out in the short term.
Ahhhh. That was a nice warm shower to invigorate the mind and hash all that shit out. Fuck its 6:10. Ok dry off. Fuck no towel. Sorry JoJo looks I’m using yours. Check phone. Thank God Franky is just getting around herself. That was lucky. Ok what the fuck do I wear? Ok grey pants? Given they’re the only clean article of clothing I have, I guess we’ll fucking go with them. Ok which button up smells least like butt? Ok got ya... this one. Vest. Check. Now let’s grab some wine. Darkhorse Cab for me. Woodbridge Pinot Noir for her. Check. The cigs. Check. The phone. Check. The Sinatra on my phone. Check. Check. Check. Fucking Check. Great let’s go. I was halfway to my car… Fuck car keys. Not check. I do this all the fucking time! You think with the amount of “study drugs” I was on I would have better focus on things, but then again there is only so much of a drug one can do with a tolerance like mine before it just becomes wasteful.
So I ran back down, snagged the keys, and I was off. Me and Franky were about to be together again. Us two… together. Not in a romantic way, I mean just together. When you were with her not a moment didn’t go by that you didn’t feel like the most important person in the world. Like everything you were and are was wrapped up in that lovely smile of hers. See, a couple years ago, when we were sophomores, me and Franky had a moment that few friends happen upon, as we stumbled back to our dorm together. It must have been something in the way the wind was moving that night, or something, because we just stopped and looked around. We listened to the symphony that passed through us and were in awe. Well at least I was. What a beautiful night to be with such a beautiful gal. See I may talk about Denise a lot, but Franky was just a whole nother type of dame ya see. What a sweetheart. What a fucking sweetheart that girl Franky was. I’d always loved her and I always will. Damn I hope she knows that, because I don’t tell her enough... I really don’t. I mean I say it to her a lot, but not like that night that we were standing in front of Millet Hall on the Northside of campus. Nevermind. Back to what I was saying. As we stood there, doing our best to maintain balance, I smoothly pulled out my phone and clicked on Sinatra’s Just the Way You Look Tonight and extended my hand to her just like the movies. I held her close and she held me, and we just danced to the tunes of a time now gone. It was magic I tell you that graced me and her that night in clear skies. We just sat there laughing in one another’s grasp, as if each step we took would be immortalized upon the concrete we waltzed across. That this moment would be and be so forever.
That’s where I was driving to right now. To see if we couldn’t have that moment one more time before it was all over. This would be different though. This time Franky wanted to watch the sunrise with me, and you know how I feel about mother fucking sunrises, but it was what she wanted and god forbid would I ever say no to that girl. Anything that could make her smile one more time was worth watching, even if it was a reminder that the sun would rise so few more times while we were to be together. But her laugh, that smile waiting to come, was worth any pain the sun lifting into new sky could bring me to these eyes of mine. I decided to bring wine this time along with a blanket we were to sit upon, and dance around to spice up the memory with something new. I hope it doesn’t come off as overly romantic or maybe part me hoped it did. I don’t know, that’s not the point, but in a flash of seconds I was outside her, Denise, and Barstool’s house.
As I got out of my lil fiesta and walked up the sidewalk leading to their house she was waiting there for me. She was waiting for me and she was gorgeous from head to toe. Hey beautiful, I slightly yelled as my voice cracked a little. Fucking shit puberty where the fuck did you come from, I thought to myself. She giggled from what I was hoping was excitement and not my girlish squeal from a second ago. Hey there sexy fellow, you ready, she said, in her funny play on a southern lady kinda voice. Been ready since the day I met you Franky. Been ready since the day I met… I was cut off briefly by her warm embrace. Ya... ya I’m ready, I slowly finished saying as she let go. And as we began to walk to our destination the sun began to peek out over the horizon, and I felt her hand touch mine, as we held hands for the first time in a while. I’m so glad we’re doing this, she whispered to me. Me too, I said. Me too. As we reached this one spot behind a big oak tree I laid out the cleanest blanket I could find in my house which, I might add, wasn’t saying much. See Franky, I says to her. Not only is this a great fucking view, but we’re also at just the right amount of coverage so the cops can’t see us boozing in public. She was a little nervous still I guess, and turned to me asking in a tone half concerned, half playful… Hey bud what are we gunna do if that actually happened. Ya know, if the cops show up, she asks, after a brief pause. Easy, I says to her, as I uncork each of our bottles and take a large swig of hers. Hey there you’ve got your own damn bottle, she says to me a little pissy. Give me that, she says, as she snatches it out of my hand.
Ok, ok, I says with a laugh. Anyway if the cops do show I’ll quite frankly Franky tell them they are about to ruin what I’ve been planning for weeks… months even. And what’s that, she asks. Well, after I’m good and visibly frustrated I’ll say well fuck officer if your gunna haul us away I won’t fight ya, but let me do this first, I says to her, as I grab her hand and lower my right knee to the ground. Then I’ll slowly drop to one knee, I says to her gently, and ask you to marry me. O’ my God that’s brilliant, she says to me, laughing hysterically as I snap back up from the ground. Do I get a ring in this whole charade, she asks all doe eyed. What the fuck woman, do you know what I’m majoring in, I asks all joking like. We’ll be lucky if this isn’t the last time we have a decent wine to drink for the next couple years. O’ this is nice wine huh, she asks all sassy like. Well you got me there, I says, as I start to laugh no longer able to keep my composure. Do you think it will work, she asks. Most definitely, I says. That is if you say yes, I say with charm, as I look up into her eyes and smile. Ahh shucks, she says to me. You know I’d never say no to you and that swagger of yours. I have my moments, I says to her with a chuckle, as I take another swig. If only, was what I was thinking though. If only this were true that I could be with be with a girl like you. This ran over and over in my head. I sure do, I says with a devilish smile. And the devil was in my smile for it too was a lie to that beautiful angel. I’m not ok Franky. I lied to you. I’m a liar you see and I don’t have much time left to live… But these words were merely thoughts, and such thoughts I could not give. For so to the smile, so too the soul. The devil in I. The sin of the soul. My fate was as satanic as my lies to her… to so many... To Denise.
To know that I would never be with a girl like Franky, proposing to her with all my heart, made me want to cry. To know that all I was doing was but just adding one more memory for this poor girl to lament over. Another hour or so in her presence spent as one of deceit while I smiled on. It’s true I guess. This is my fate. To feel but never have. To see but never touch. As I flipped on the music and we both took one more big swig of our wine we got up to danced, both of us dressed to the nine in the middle of a field by an old oak tree. Lips and teeth garnished already stained red with wine. Our new season began bluming to a rising sun, Sinatra’s Summer Wind, and a friendship that’ll never die. She was jazz and a cigarette, that Franky. Enchanting melodies and warm smooth smoke.
As much as I would love to tell you more I simply can’t. Time moved too quickly in its slowness as we danced and chugged our wine. Infinity fell upon us in the embers of cigarettes, and it was good for a moment. But like all lovely things, then it was over. We were back at her place having a little cereal on the front lawn, trying to stay quiet as not to wake Denise and Barstool. Not that they wouldn’t have wanted to join us as the day begun, but we wanted to be alone with each other a little longer while we ate our breakfast through our wonderfully wine stained lips. I wanted to be alone with her at least. She made me calmer and more at peace than even Denise ever could. Not that that’s anything negative to say about Denise. It was just two different experiences with two different gals. With Denise it was all anxiety and passionate, intense, alluring kinda shit, but with Franky it was only calm. She made me feel loved unconditionally so. Like there was nothing I could do to ever spoil her affection for me. I trusted in her and she in me, and I loved her. But, love the two of them I surely did. O’ how I loved her. God if I was gunna marry a dame I wished they’d be like... her… But, sunrises like that weren’t meant for me in this lifetime. I had only enough time left for my sun to set and in it lie my only wish. That Franky might be there. That she would add her beauty to my end and that it might be good. That it might be wonderful because she was there with me, and we were there with our laughter.