11. SUPERMANS WORST NIGHTMARE
Las Vegas: Sunday May 27th 1990
"Whiskey! More whiskey n shit......"
If I had a million dollars, know what I'd do? I'd buy a big ass swimming pool and fill it with whiskey! Shit! I'd swim in that shit everyday and have like a ton of big titty broads feeding me lobster and like..... Fuckin' each other with these big ass dildos!
Don't act so fuckin' innocent asshole! You ain't seen a Tracy Lords porn tape?!
That's the motherfuckin' problem with pricks like you! You gotcha head stuck so far up yer ass, you could use your own stomach acid as shampoo! Take it from me asshole! You gotta be honest in life! You're more likely to get what you want n shit!
If you want the finest liqour available to man?
FUCKIN' ASK FOR IT!
If you want the finest food n shit?
FUCKIN' ASK FOR IT!
If you want finger lickin', grade A pussy?
FUCKIN' ASK FOR IT!
Ya' see! Thats why porn tapes are the future! You stuck one of those bad boys in the VCR when you got a chick between the silk sheets?
BOOOOOOOMMMM!!
It's like lighting a stick of dynamite in her greasy lil' monkey! Watch that bitch turn hotter then the motherfuckin' sun! Light a fire up under her ass! All the chicks dig porn tapes! Trust ya' Uncle Hymie!! Hehe.....
I mean.... Porn is the SHIT! I love that Tracy Lords bitch! Man! When you see those tapes and she's like got her tongue shoved up some other sluts ass, I'm like:
"YEAH!! DEEPER! DEEEEEPER!! DEEPER BITCH!"
That's what I'm fuckin' talkin' about!
So if I had a million dollars? Shit! I'd spend every cent on whiskey and sluts! Watchin' 'em fuckin' each other... Shit! If I had a million dollars n shit......
Where the fuck was I? Huh?......
Oh yeah...
That's what I would do. Shit, I'd be-
Whoa! Look at these broads walking by! With those low cut dresses n shit! I love it!
"LOOKING LIKE A MILLION FUCKIN' DOLLARS LADIES!"
Did that bitch just shake her head me?! Bitch!
"........SKANKS!"
God bless Vegas! Gimmie whiskey and sluts! You assholes can keep the rest.....
Nothing beats the sluts in Vegas man, I'm tellin' you!
Let me tell you assholes something.... I've been dating models and socialites for as long as I can remember! Nothing's better than chicks on vacation in Vegas.... Away from mom and dad....
Away from home.....
"WHERE'S THAT FUCKIN' WHISKEY ASSHOLE?"
These fuckin' sluts.... Slut mother-
"HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO GET A FUCKIN' DRINK AROUND HERE?! HUH?!"
These hillbilly sluts, once they get a few cocktails inside them?!
BOOOOOMM!
It's like lighting a stick of fuckin' dynamite pal!
Between you and me?
Before anybodys sober, we're all back on a plane and that shit stays in Las vegas! Its just another sordid tale that blows away in the fuckin' wind n shit. When these chicks get a bit older, it's a skeleton in the closet. C'mon! It ain't like they can tell their grandkids:
"Grandma got fucked in the asshole when she was twenty-two!! Grandma was high on cocaine and Remy Martin when she took a trip to Vegas in the carefree 90's......"
"TWIST."
These two sluts I met at the bar were fresh outta hicksville...
Dumb.... Stoopid.... Eager to join the big, bad world..... Ya' know what I mean right?.......
They can't have been older than 21 and they didn't really even look 21! Bartenders don't give a fuck in Vegas! Nobody gives a fuck in Vegas! Why else do you have security and cops asshole?!
Vegas is a machine built to make money.... Everybody comes here to party-
Shit.... My fuckin' drink! Where's my fuckin' drink?! Shit.....
Once these girls found out I was a writer for Rolling Stone? Shit! They were like flies to shit! Y'know what mean right....
They saw it all: They saw the thick ass, fat gold chain around my neck; they clocked the fat ass money rolls I was flashin' and spendin' like it was nothin'; they spied the three thousand dollar Rolex wrist watch with the 21 diamonds n shit; they saw my hairy ass chest and envisioned my King Kong ass dick destroying their hymen!
This dumb bitch asked me:
"Are you a pimp?"
"STICK."
Can you fucking believe the mouth on this dumb bitch?! That's when I told her:
"Hell no bitch! I write for Rolling Stone!"
What is this shit?! Just another dumb fuckin' redneck?! Another dumb white girl straight outta hicksville?! These hillbillies fuck their own cousins! That's why they're so fuckin' dumb!
I told them about my friends who got bands: The Beastie Boys; Red Hot Chilli Peppers; Janes Addiction; Bad Brains.....
These hookers were like:
"OHHHH the Peppers?! The Beasties?! Nooo wayyy! Nooo waaaay!! OH MY GHAAAD!!"
Knowing guys like I know impresses these bitches... No doubt. Chicks like these girls put these dudes on a pedestal because they make records. To me? These assholes are just bums who are lucky to have a friend like me who pushes their wack fuckin' records...... I wouldn't give these assholes a mop job at McDonalds!
Anyways.....
I'm at the black Jack table killing time n shit. I agreed to meet these two girls in like a half hour, back at the bar. They must have gone to powder their nose or clean their dirty, redneck pussies! Hehehhehehehe.....
Dirty redneck bitches!
Where the fuck is Tony?!
I've been calling this assholes room all day! Assholes been ignoring my god damn phone calls! This asshole wants to spend his vacation writing! Whats the point?! He's in Vegas and he wants to type stories! Get the fuck outta here! God damn boring ass English prick! What's he wanna write for? The stories are here! On the streets and casinos! This miserable English asshole wants to stay in his room! What the fuck?! Miserable, English dumb fuck......
Truth is, I need Tony. These type of girls love a guy with a British accent! Tonys rastafarian....
Right? These girls are gonna love this shit! A Rasta who speaks like the fuckin' queen n shit!
These bitches can bullshit about how they love England; how they wanna travel to Europe after college... All that baloney.... They can talk all that trash before they fucked in a hotel room...
The only time they'll go to England will be with their husband, when they're fat slugs and their kids have grown up and gone to college! England will only be a reminder of them getting laid in a Vegas hotel room at four in the morning! High on cocaine and booze!
Hehehehe......
I'm Supermans worst nightmare!
These chicks are looking to party and they've come to the right place and! AND! They've come to the right guy! Hymie Cohen is the king of Los Angeles! King of New York! AND the king of Las Vegas! These little sluts have been dwelling around the casino; they're looking for action... Thank god they found Hymie, eh? The motherfuckin' man in the place!
SUPERMANS WORST NIGHTMARE!! WALKING KRYPTONITE MOTHERFUCKER!!
Now I'm just I'm just killing time; playing black Jack with the hicks. This fat bitch on my left wont shut the fuck up about Kansas n shit and her kids.
Like I give FUCK bitch!
Just keep your mouth shut and play the game. There's this fat, ex cop looking asshole next to me on the otherside:
"Say, don't I know you son?"
"Huh.... What? What the fuck are talking about?"
This whiskey is starting to get to me real bad. Real bad......
If I drink some more I'll be better..... Balance me out n shit...... I signal to the bar slut for another whiskey n cola....
"Whiskey.... I've asked like four times!"
In this ear, I got the fat bitch from Kansas talking about her fuckin' kids and in this ear, I got the fat cop......
Great!
Now I got two whiskeys! Fuckin' bar slut bitch. Fuckin' slob....
This asshole won't leave this shit alone:
"I recognise those gold chains.... I busted you a few years back. I remember those gold chains!
The pimp from Hollywood..."
"I not a pimp," I tell this asshole. "I'm a journalist."
"I never forget a face," this asshole says. "We busted you on the strip. That poor girl was only fifteen!"
What do these fuckin' assholes want from me?! I'm just trying to play a god damn game of cards in a Vegas casino!
"Leave it Jim," this cops wife says to him.
Yeah Jim.... You fat fuck! Leave it you fuckin' asshole!
"Jims retired. Two years," his ugly ass wife says.... Like I give a fuck! She's a fat bitch.... Looks like she drinks grease from a toilet bowl..... The bitch needs a diet coke, not Jesus......
Jim looks mad as fuck:
"Those arab assholes from Dubai... Came to the Belmount hotel and sodamised that young girl! Keeps me awake at night! I was an officer of the law for twenty six years! Never seen something so god damn evil! How do you sleep at night boy?"
His ugly ass wife coughs. Probably a fur ball.....
"At my daughters graduation," this Kansas, redneck slut says, "Me and my husband promised ourselves a trip to Las Vegas. I've always wanted a vacation here..."
Who fucking cares?! Just play cards you bunch of redneck fucks! Motherfuckers..... Leave me the fuck alone!
I'm bust.... AGAIN!
The annoying Kansas bitch next me keeps talking.
"SHUT THE FUCK UP!"
I shout, without meaning too.... The fuckin'..... Fuckin'.... Fuckin'..... God damn booze.... Shit! This redneck looks shocked. Yeah bitch! I fuckin' said it......
The dealer says:
"Maybe a rest Sir? Take a break then come back?"
What the fuck for?
I'm the baddest motherfucker on the face of the planet! I'm Supermans Worst Nightmare! King of Los Angeles! I rest when I wanna rest! Fuck this prick!
I'm gonna tell this asshole:
"Hey asshole! What the fuck-"
Antonio! Its Antonio!
"HEY ASSHOLE! HEY ASSHOLE! OVER HERE FUCK FACE!"
I pick my cards up and turn to the dealer:
"TAKE THESE CARDS.... AND STICK THEM UP YOUR MOTHERS ASS!!
I throw them at the fat fuck! Right in his big, dumb lookin' face:
"LOSE SOME WEIGHT YOU FUCKIN' SLUG!! YOU LOOK LIKE JABBA THE HUTT!! JABBA JABBA JABBA!"
The fat cop sat next to me says some stoopid shit:
"SHOW SOME GOD DAMN RESPECT YOU GOD DAMN LOW LIFE!"
Lowlife?!
LOWLIFE?!
Did this asshole call me a fuckin' LOWLIFE?!
Me?!
A FUCKIN' LOWLIFE?!
If the boot fits motherfucker:
"YOU LOOK THIRSTY YOU FUCKIN' PIG!!"
Before this asshole knows what's happening, I've picked up my first whiskey and dumped in all over his bald, fat fuckin' head!
"TODAY'S SPECIAL DEAL ASSHOLE! TWO FOR ONE!" I shout as these schmucks just sit around looking shocked.
I grab my second whiskey and pour it over the pigs big, fat fuckin' head...AGAIN!
The pig is really pissed now:
"GOD DAMN YOU!! LOW DOWN DIRTY MOTHERFUCKER!! FUCKING PIMP SONOFABITCH!!"
And his wifes like:
"JIM! JIM! JIM! CALM DOWN HONEY!! PLEASE! JIM! HONEY! NO!"
Antonios pulling me away, but the assholes only got one foot. I ain't going nowhere!!
NOWHERE!!
I'M SUPERMANS WORST NIGHTMARE!
The pig is still pissed:
"LOW LIFE PIMP SONOFABITCH!! I'LL KILL YOU! MOTHERFUCKING LOWLIFE!! GODDAMN PIMP COCKSUCKER!"
Remember the Kansas redneck slut sat next to me? That lard ass from Kansas? That bitch gets her wine spritzer right in the face! Then I throw the glass behind my shoulder n shit!
AHA! This bitch looks like a wet dog! She's screaming her fuckin' head off n shit! This is fuckin' beautiful! BEAUTIFUL!!
Now the cop is really mad:
"GET HIM OUTTA HERE!! GET HIM OUTTA HERE!! NO GOOD PIMP SONOFABITCH!! GOD-DAMN COCK SUCKIN' PIECE OF SHIT!"
I LOVE THIS SHIT! I LOVE IT!!
"JIM PLEASE!!..... SECURITY!! SECURITY!!" The pigs wife is screaming n shit. This bitch is so ugly, she looks like she's got one eye.... Bitch looks like Columbo in drag!!
The Kansas redneck bitch sat next to me is bawling an' crying n shit:
"THIS-THIS-THIS WAS MY D-D-DREAM! A HOLIDAY TO VEGAS! RUINED! R-R-R-RUINED!!!" BOOOO HOOO BITCH! Get over it n shit.....
Antonios starting to panic..... Like a fuckin' pussy:
"C'MON HYMIE!! BEFORE THEY CALL THE POLICE! LETS GO AND GET SOME FOOD!!"
I pull my arm away from his pussy ass grip:
"GET THE FUCK OFFA ME TONY!!"
I'm a grown man! I can handle my motherfuckin' self! Supermans worst Nightmare n shit.... King of Vegas....
I need a fuckin' steak before we meet these bitches back at the bar..... I take Antonio to the restaurant and we get a nice table. The fucking place is spinning around!! I don't remember this restaurant being no carousel!
"HOW CAN YOU EAT WITHOUT BALANCE YOU FUCKIN' FREAKS?!"
I'm shouting at these assholes.... These people are looking at me like I'm a crazy person n shit!
Tonys like:
"Calm down you cunt!"
Antonio is uptight as shit! He's never seen Supermans Worst Enemy after a few whiskeys!
Welcome to Las Vegas asshole!!
"AHHHAAHAHAHAAAAAH"