04. SUPERMANS WORST NIGHTMARE
Los Angeles: Thursday 24th May 1990.
Who the fuck does this asshole think he is?!
"YOU'RE DONE PAL! YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! YOU COME ONTO MY SET AND ACT LIKE A FUCKIN' SCHMUCK! AND YOU'RE GUY DISAPPEARS INTO THE NIGHT?! YOU AIN'T NEVER GETTING ANOTHER FUCKING SPOT ON THE MAX O'BRIEN SHOW!!"
My heart is broken. No really.....
"I'M NOT EVEN FUCKING JOKING HYMIE! YOUR FUCKING DONE WITH THE TV SHOW! YOU'RE DONE WITH THE NETWORK! YOU'RE JUST A HACK FROM ROLLING STONE! WAYYYEE OUTTA YA LEAGUE PAL! GET THE FUCK BACK TO NEW YORK OR WHERE EVER THE FUCK YOU WRITE TRASH AND DESTROY PEOPLES CAREERS!"
Now it's my turn?! Are you sure? Oh good.....
"Len, I'd have expected better from a two bit hustler," I tell this asshole. "Tell me.... What does Max's ass taste like?"
"I'M FUCKING WARNING YOU HYMIE!"
I can see Len is pissed, real hot under the collar n shit. Good. Fuckin' asshole!
"Huh? You do all his dirty work Len, that makes you his bitch, right?"
"I'M FUCKING WARNING YOU HYMIE!"
These two security assholes step in and push us apart, Len's about to flip out. Fuckin' asshole!
"Hey Len, tell our friends here about Max's trip to Miami two years ago!"
Let me turn the heat up on this schmuck!
"HYMIE! I'M FUCKING WARNING YOU! YOU UTTER ONE WORD-"
"AND WHAT LEN?! AND WHAT?!"
"ONE WORD! ONE-FUCK-ING WORD!"
I'll sing for this asshole:
"WE'LL-SHE-WAS-JUST SEVENTEEN-"
"I'M FUCKING WARNING YOU-"
"WELL-YOU-KNOW-WHAT-I-MEAN."
"CHUCK THIS BUM OUT ONTO THE FUCKING SIDEWALK!" This asshole tells these security goons. Let 'em try. LET 'EM TRY!"
"How much did Max pay?! Two million dollars?! Outta court?! Rape carries a serious-"
"I'M FUCKING WARNING YOU HYMIE! GUYS! KICK HIS PUNK ASS OUT ONTO THE FUCKING SIDEWALK! THE FUCKING-"
These security assholes grab my arm, but they wanna hear more. I'm stood in the same spot. I ain't going nowhere!
"I saw the files in the offices of Rolling Stone! The cops had a semen sample! He fuckin' did it! He fuckin' did it! He raped a-"
"Let's go," this security asshole says. I ain't going anywhere. "Sir, could you please-"
"Seventeen! Max likes 'em real juicy! Hey! Len! Your attorney?! Yohanessman! That's the guy who got caught up with those Turks selling Heroin? Right?"
"HYMIE! FOR THE LAST TIME I'M-"
"FUCKIN' WARNING ME?! I GEDDIT!"
I turn to one of the guards:
"So! Max is at this beach party in Miami right? There's a lotta cocaine n shit, lotta booze...."
Len sounds like he's hyperventilating:
"Stop! You-fuck-ing-asshole!"
Gotta finish my story, I'm a respectable journalist:
"He's forty-eight and looks like a walking Beef Jerky. What the fuck is he doing at a beach party with kids? Anyways, there's a nice, young girl... Flip flops, bikini.... Liquored up to the fuckin' eyeballs! Before you know it? She's been raped on a sun lounger... Cops gotta semen sample!
The dope left his special sauce in the ham wallet!"
I can't stop laughing as Len is trying to suck on his inhaler n shit. A couple of his flunkies are holding him up.
"I'LL GETCH YOU ASSHOLE! I'M GONNA KNOCK YOUR FUCKING DICK IN THE DIRT!"
Len looks like he's gonna pass out. Fuckin' punk!
"Max never figured on the girl's father being a state attorney! Shit! Have a nice day.... Send my regards to the rapist!"
I break the security assholes grip from my arm and head back to the bathroom to grab Tony.
"YOU MENTION ME OR MAX IN ONE OF YOUR BULLSHIT MAGAZINE PIECES AND YOU'LL BE HEARING FROM MY LAWYERS!! YOU HEAR ME ASSHOLE?!! I'M FUCKING TALKIN' TO YOU! ANY HATCHET BULLSHIT AND YOU'LL BE-"
"HEY LEN! THREATS DON'T WORK ON ME ASSHOLE! I'M FUCKING UNTOUCHABLE! THERE AIN'T NO HEROES IN REAL LIFE! JUST BAD GUYS!! I'M ONE OF THEM! I'M SUPERMANS WORST NIGHTMARE!"
I flip this asshole the bird and turn back around.
I step into the restroom:
"YO! TONY! WE GOTTA GO BUDDY! SECURITY-"
Where the fuck has this asshole disappeared too?! Did he fuckin' evaporate into thin air or something?! All the cubicles are empty.....
MOTHERFUCKER!!
"TONEEEEEEEEYYYYY!!!!"
That one footed motherfucker! God damn ASSHOLE!! Ditching me?! NO-BODY DITCHES HYMIE COHEN! NOBODY!
Time to find Waldo............ The fuckin' asshole left his breifcase behind.....
As I'm stepping outta the mens room, Len wants to tell me how much he loves me n shit:
"YOU'RE FUCKING DEAD! YOU'RE FUCKING DEAD! YOU'RE FUCKING DEAD!!! FUCK YOU! PEACE OF SHIT!! COCKSUCKIN' MOTHERFUCKER!! FUCKIN' DIE ASSHOLE!!"
Len is mad as fuck, screaming his head off like a crazy person! This asshole is still shouting and wheezing as I roll past the guards and out, into the parking lot.
You can guarantee Len will call my editor, talking shit about-
FUCK! I've just remembered! My Cadillac is still in storage n shit! I've been away from Los Angeles for two years working. FUCK! Now I gotta hail a cab like the rest of the bums.
Cabs in L.A suck worse than New York.
I flag this cab in like seconds.... Now I'm not the type of guy to say I told you so, but......
This Mexican douche smells like raw sewage. I'm dyin' here!
"Hey bruh, don't your type usually have wheels of they own n shit?"
What the fuck is this asshole talking about?
"What?"
"You know.... Business men. I mean, when you got the ladies and the clients," he says. I'm looking outta the damn window. What does this asshole want from me?
"What? Dude, you ain't making any fuckin' sense right now!"
This asshole keeps talking:
"No bruh, I mean, my cousin Jose, he's a pimp-"
"WHAT?"
"I don't mean no offense, it's just-"
I suppose I gotta spell it out for Jose:
"Look, I ain't no fuckin' pimp, pal! And can you crack a window open or something? It smells like some asshole took a shit in here! Maybe the last asshole who was in here, I dunno...."
Where the fuck is Tony? Shit! I'm scanning the streets looking for this one footed British asshole.
This Mexican keeps talkin' ..... I ain't listening..... Turn your fuckin' head around and drive! Take a shower goddamn it! Stop talking....
I'm still scanning the streets looking for Tony..... He's only got one foot..... How far can this guy have got in the space of like thirty minutes? He ain't got no car!
But Y'know, I'm worried about Tony..... He's been acting real strange recently...
BINGO!!!
"Stop right here."
I toss Jose ten dollars and another ten on top.
"Hey! Thank you bruh! Nice....."
"That ain't a tip asshole! That's for deodorant and a bar of soap.... Maybe a toothbrush. Buy some industrial disinfectant and bathe in that stuff for two days n shit. You smell like a cadaver," I tell this asshole.
"HEY! FUCK YOU! FUCKING PIMP!"
Asshole drives off. Mexicans... No class.
Truth hurts asshole!
Look at this one footed, pirate lookin' asshole standing outside of a movie theatre! What?! Is he gonna catch a movie or something?! Try to hide from me?! Supermans Worst Nightmare?! Fuck that! Busted asshole!!
Tony hasn't even seen me yet. Dumb motherfucker! This guy is staring up at aposter for some deadbeat movie with James Belushi and a dog. John Belushi was the fuckin' man! His kid brother? Ehhh......
I mean.... Who the fuck writes these bullshit movies? Who the fuck watches 'em?.....
Look at this asshole! Guy writes some kick ass books and this schmuck wants to see a movie for mental retards n shit?! What the fuck?!
I toss the case along the sidewalk and say to him: