The Lies Began
Rusty came to visit me on Sundays and after a few months, he moved in too. I have to say I was certainly happy about that. I loved him very much and actually he was an ally in the midst of a strange land. And it was definitely strange. We were young. I was 23 and he was 25. We were also young in our practice, so I couldn’t criticize too much, but in a place where you would think everyone would be conscious and kind, there was way too much cheating and lying. (No lying in the scriptures, but lying to the public and each other was pretty common.) Which one of us was perfect? But higher standards were my goal and I hoped the people I chose to be friends with would have higher standards as well. It was hard for me to believe people who were seriously seeking God would have this type of behavior. What would be their reason for being in a serious ashram only to lie and steal?
I finally surrendered to chanting on the streets and selling books although every fiber in my body rejected the practice. We were shuttled in vans, women always in the back, patriarchal society, and dropped off in downtown Atlanta or some hippy and trendy subdivision with vegetarian restaurants, yoga studios and head shops. One day, not long after I first went out, I spoke to the temple president and said, “It’s so great we are helping the poor people in Bangladesh.” “We’re not.” He said. “It’s ok to lie for Krishna. We are just collecting money to further Krishna Consciousness through this temple and also we send money for the temples in India.” “What?” I said. “We’re not helping the people in Bangladesh? And you want me to lie?”
I was devastated! “Really? You expect me to go out there and lie? It’s bad enough you require that I go out at all,” I said. I was shocked and told him with tears in my eyes, “I can’t do that. I will not lie.” I was disgusted with the lack of integrity of my temple leader and what he said. And I cried again. Big tears. How could I be involved in something like this? And yet, how could I leave? I understood I needed to do my part in supporting the temple where I was getting the knowledge I so desperately desired, as well as room and board. And if I promised in the womb to serve the Lord as described in Srimad Bhagavatam, I would at least need to try and make the best out of it. After all, how could I ignore what God gave me in the form of remembering what happened in the womb, and then giving me the knowledge of how to attain that goal in this short lifetime?
Gradually I found a way to ‘not lie, but not tell the whole truth’ for my own integrity. Basically, all that scamming simply sucked! And I’m honestly embarrassed to tell you what I saw other men and women doing in the name of earning money for Krishna, but I am going to tell you nevertheless, later in this story. I have to! In the meantime I thought to myself, I’ve gotta get out of here! But I stayed.
Now, some people believe the end justifies the means and I guess in some cases I believed the same. The temple president was actually a very heart-felt man with love for our spiritual master and a desire to please him. He was a charismatic, educated man who gave a class capturing your imagination and making you laugh, at yourself. He was very busy arranging feasts, festivals and schedules of everyone around. He read Krishna Book in the evenings while we ate popcorn and drank warm milk to help us sleep. Granted, I don’t think I ever really knew who he was. He was accessible and yet distant. On one of my first trips to sell books at a mall, he was with me and we were both arrested and spent the night in jail. The next day, the case was dismissed. He thought it was part of the sacrifice we were making for our guru. He was right! A freaky sacrifice! One woman in jail that night hung her ass over the bed and peed on the floor. The smell in the room was horrendous and I was glad that mostly, I was a law-abiding citizen and not a criminal.
It broke my heart that my temple president was a sexist, considering women to be less intelligent. Nevertheless, the love for our spiritual master could be seen in his eyes. I just don’t think I’ve ever seen a man with such worry in his face. I was amazed at how much care he seemed to have for the devotees but was devastated to see his annoyance by his own child. Yet, who could judge another person when we were all so young in our spiritual and psychological growth? So, no matter what mistakes he made in his duties as a temple president, he was human with one great credit. That was his devotion.
Although the temple president, himself said I funded the temple in India by my collections, I was not allowed to go to the Grand Opening of the Krishna Balarama temple in Vrindavan, India. I collected more money than anyone in the temple, yet only men were sent to the grand opening. Yeah, he seemed to be a chauvinist, no sorry, he was definitely a chauvinist. That was his illusion. So, even though women were used for their ability to charm and earn money, they were not respected as sincere spiritual truth seekers. They were definitely second class, in both his opinion as well as the opinions of other men. So pathetic was the behavior, it literally made me sick to my stomach. I dealt with it anyway.
Years later, I met so many other women who were sent to Vrindavan from other temples around the world for that festival. My hurt began to show up as anger. Why was I not allowed to go? Ok, we were taught, whenever something happens to us, we should consider it Krishna’s mercy, and I did, but that did not excuse his chauvinism. My heart was torn. Its like having your own brother steal from you. I was insulted by his indifference and lack of compassion. It was a hard thing to get over, but in time I realized that anger at injustice would be one of my biggest challenges in life, being born under the rule of Jupiter who is known for justice.