Who Can You Trust?
Jesus Christ! Hare Krishna! Whatever! Did I learn anything from all these relationships and cult experiences? Was I evolving? Cause I surely had plenty of opportunity to gain some wisdom by the time I hit 60. One thing I realized for sure was, for the most part, I could not trust anyone. My spiritual master told me when I was very young, but I kept trying, so I guess I didn’t believe him. I put my trust in sociopaths, alcoholics, drug addicts, thieves, cults and our imperfect society instead of God.
After all I experienced, I was ready to check out! To be completely alone! But I realized I needed other humans. We are not an island, right? No man is an island. Somehow I needed to understand how I could live in the world but not of it. I wanted to realize that humans are not perfect. They make mistakes. I reconciled how good people could be trusted to a degree but otherwise, I should not expect anything. It is not their fault. It had nothing to do with them or me. It was simply a matter of everyone being absorbed in their own shit and being human and humans make mistakes! Problems came when I expected too much from others. I expected them to be perfect. The fault was within me. Inside of myself, I really expected or hoped people would do unto me as I did unto them. (The Golden Rule) But that didn’t happen. I wondered where that expectation came from? My heart was ripping apart. Where was the love? Where was the love? Where was the love?
You might be able to trust someone who doesn’t want anything for themselves, I thought. Who would that be? Some of the sadhus are selfless and advanced in their goal for self realization. Others are simply out to get your money. In my opinion, that would make them not a sadhu. Everyone has to take care of themselves first, but for a real sadhu who depends on God, they will take care of themselves without hurting others. You could probably trust that person. But you couldn’t expect anything from them. Its like they were on another planet. And why would you need to trust them. The only thing you would want from them is their wisdom. And if they are still on this planet, then they have not achieved perfection anyway.
You might be able to trust a Buddhist monk or someone who is seriously practicing dharma. Anyone else? Sure, but they are few and far between. A person basically needs to be pretty much selfless to be trustworthy and honestly, I began to think it was unfair to expect anything from anyone, so what would be the need of trust? Was it fair to ask a friend to take care of my valuables when anything could happen? And why did I need valuables? All you need is love, right?
Shit was going on in my head like that, swimming deep in my throat and drowning in my stomach as I was losing faith in humanity. It was my problem. I turned my face from the good instruction of my spiritual masters and I got hammered! I was astounded to know I was devoured by the desire for emotion. I wanted love and affection and kindness from everyone I met.
After Number seven went to prison I met a really cool guy in the marina. He came by often as he said he was helping a friend with his boat in my area. He gave me his phone number to call him if I needed any work done, brought me some Chinese take out dinner once, helped me clean my boat and acted as if he were an ordinary guy, just doing good deeds. He was driving a new white Porsche and sported a brand new dingy the day I met him. One day, he asked to borrow my outboard motor as his was in the shop. “Of course,” I said, “I’ll come to your boat and pick it up tomorrow. Where is your marina and what is the name of your boat?” He gave me an answer and guess what? You’ve got to laugh at how stupid I was. The marina was there and so was the boat, but it did not belong to him and that was the last of that! He was gone. Tried to call, but of course, he didn’t answer. $600 up in smoke! I let it fly. Didn’t bother calling the sheriff. Don’t even remember his name. And he could have been lying to me about that anyway so what was the point? I saw him around 4 years later at Subway, eating lunch in some work uniform with other men. He smiled at me, as he was a natural flirt and con till the end, probably not remembering where he knew me from and I just kept moving. Funny thing is, I had the slightest internal vision of him working some labor job because he was on probation. Intuition.
I sold my car to a regular barfly at the Chart House where boaters went for Happy Hour. He captained a 100 foot boat from the California Yacht Club. I said, since we knew each other with many of the same bar friends, I would work a deal with him. I knew him for around 5 years, I guess. I asked for $1600. The car was valued at $2300. He gave me $1000 and stiffed me for the balance. Only much later did I realize he was addicted to cocaine as well as alcohol. Boy, I scored on that one! I was an idiot to think I could actually trust him.
Lil’ ole me was bound to run into some people who were crooks. I was from the South and we were charming people, innocent and sorry to say, somewhat gullible and naive, the perfect victim for a con artist.
I noticed everywhere that everyone was only out for themselves. And why not? Who else was going to take care of them? Especially in Los Angeles where they have more than their share of sociopaths who would steal the clothes off your back. Marina Del Rey sheltered its share of criminals, I found out, the hard way. Many of these guys, probably mostly men, lived on boats because it was cheaper than getting a studio apartment in LA. They possessed no ambition, no hobbies or sports interest. They mostly just drank. So I met a few, cause I was drinking.
Sociopaths are very expert at being con artists. You really needed to meet a few in your life before you could understand. But I don’t advise it! The first con I met was going to replace the engine in my houseboat. Instead, he used my boat to live on while I was in San Francisco and then he stole $3000 from me for an engine he purchased that didn’t work. He probably got it for free and pocketed the money. His only response was a shrug of his shoulders.
And you really could not trust cops. The sheriff’s department in the marina was a joke if you got something stolen or damaged. They wouldn’t waste their time on that. They only responded to calls of serious emergencies. They were required to or they would get fired! I learned never to trust a cop! I used them when it was necessary, but once it backfired on me. They blamed me for something I called them about. So, if you were forced to use one, what could you do? But I learned never to trust one.
I met one lady I honestly trusted with heart and soul. She was a sweet Armenian lady from Iran and a real devotee. She was not fake in anyway, always giving to others and praying and doing the right thing. When she was a young, married woman, tragedy struck in her life. She was living in Hrisikesh, north of Delhi along the Ganges doing some work for her guru in the 80s. One night, she and her husband heard some noise in the kitchen. Her husband got up to check it out and was bitten by a poisonous snake. She immediately got him to the hospital where he got treatment, but died shortly after. She was left to raise her son alone and never re-married. Her sister never married, though a beautiful woman, who was equally kind. The two lived in Vrindavan together and were some of the most dedicated and giving women I ever met. She took care of the leasing of my apartment for me for nine years while I was in America. She took her 10%, made regular reports to me and returned every dime to me when she decided to do something else. But she was not just a good business woman, she wanted to do it as a service. Her whole life was about service to God and to the devotees. I could trust her. But she was rare. She was very rare.
Here’s the thing about people you think you can trust. They are human. Even if they mean well, people make mistakes. Accidents happen. They are not in control of the material nature around them, so ultimately you can only trust the person who can be in control of time and nature. That person would not be human. That person would be god.
So, there I was, OUT OF THE FRYING PAN AND INTO THE FIRE. I left swindlers in the church and found more in the marina. Now some people, as they get older and have experienced as much as I had, would get bitter and cynical. I could easily have fallen into that category, but it didn’t feel good inside. So I made a decision to think differently.
I resolved to love myself and trust myself. I would be kind to everyone, even though I could recognize they were a con artist. I would politely say, no, I’m not interested, and when they tried to become my best friend, I would always be a little too busy. “Sorry, I am working on something right now and don’t have time. What are you working on? Well, I prefer to keep that private, but I will call you if I can spare some time.” And, of course, I never had the time.
Did that make me a cold person? I hoped not. I hoped it made me wise. My heart told me to be kind and help others when possible, never expecting anything in return. But my heart also told me my only real friend was my Supreme Self, my sweet lord, Krishna, and to think anything different was a grand illusion that would simply get me into more trouble. I felt like I had experienced twenty lifetimes in one, and I realized that when someone said, “Trust me,” I should run as fast as I could in the opposite direction.