Some Things Changed & Some Remained the Same
Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. You would think I would have been able to make up my mind! My second guru (known as a siksha or instructional guru) told me I must become steady. My kids kept telling me, “Mom, you are much happier when you are doing your Bhakti practice. You keep going back and forth from Krishna to extreme enjoyment of the material world. What are you going to do?”
They were right. Admittedly, I felt torn apart. I wanted desperately to enjoy this beautiful world and god gave me every opportunity with sailing, lovers, great cuisine, great music and enough money to enjoy luxuriously from time to time. But no matter how much god gave me, it never filled the empty space within. I could feel the big space in my heart begging to be filled with stories about Krishna. The problem was, I was really turned off to the religious process practiced in Iskcon and Gaudiya Math. I just didn’t want to be a part of any religion ever again, especially one that claimed they were not a religion. I was different. I wasn’t entirely sure about the deities either, although my spiritual master authorized their worship as a method of learning to serve god. I could offer respect to the deities in the temples, but I could not worship the ones in my home with all the rules and regulations required. I could offer my food to them, talk to them and maybe offer some incense, but that was about it. I mostly found myself talking to my pictures. If god is everywhere, then He can be in a picture or a statue, right?
I could not follow the prescribed process to wear clay on my face. Didn’t believe in it. Religion. All I could do was to chant and hear from a real sadhu, not a poser. I hoped my meditation would deepen if I gave up my bullshit and became focused.
I knew if I went to India I would be able to hear from those sadhus that were sincerely making an effort to help others go deep into samadhi. I needed to find those devotees who were humble to associate with. I could not deal with ego-filled patriarchal teachers. I needed sincerity beyond religion. From time to time I would think I’d found someone who felt like me and then I would be disappointed, so rather than be with certain types of Krishna devotees, I preferred to be with non-devotees or to be alone. Maybe that would change if I went to India at this stage in my life to actually retire and get serious, like George Harrison became serious after he was stabbed in his own home.
I was at the point of wondering if I should make a pros and cons list. In my mind I did. If I sold my boat and moved to India, the pros would be: I would have a free place to stay. I would be around devotees who wanted to talk and hear about Krishna. I could be alone to write. I would be able to travel from time to time. I would not have to do massage for men anymore. I could make an effort to chant continuously. I would face the fact that death was coming and would prepare for it. The cons were: I didn’t like the Indian culture. I was too far away from my children. I didn’t have a car. I didn’t speak the language and it was difficult to learn. The sad thing was my children really didn’t care what I did. They were used to being without me and I was really no longer a part of their life. I basically only saw them once a year. It was the same with my father. I realized, sadly, I was completely alone.
Whiny, whiny, whiny! That’s the last time you’ll hear that pity shit from me. The truth was, I knew I was more fortunate than most people on this planet because I was in touch with reality instead of being completely covered by illusion. I was fortunate to have been given amazing enlightening experiences and to have met great teachers. I lived towards the end of the Golden Age of Kali Yuga with acid, spiritual masters, and truth raining down on the world with overwhelming generosity. I was truly blessed. Hopefully my children would benefit from my dedication, austerities and sacrifices one day. They would certainly have nothing to gain if I simply kept up the lifestyle I was living. The lifestyle alone might have hastened my death and left my kids following in my example.
Iskcon was changing. By this time in the movement, everyone knew how hard it was to practice pure devotional service and to give up the desires of the material world. Practically impossible! Devotees my age were going through their own shit, and some a lot worse than mine. Their husbands left them and married younger women. Their children were flipped out on serious drugs, couldn’t work and were on SSI. Some witnessed suicide of someone they loved, children were in motorcycle wrecks and some were simply living on the streets. Not to say there were not devotees who were very successful financially and spiritually. There were. Those devotees usually went back to school to finish their degrees and get good jobs or they started their own business, as I did. Rarely was anyone my age pretending to be a brahmin anymore. Everyone needed to work. Those who actually possessed the nature to be a real brahmin worked on the altars in western temples or took off to India to become a serious monk.
The Cult thing pretty much disappeared by 1995. Remember I started this thing in 1972? By that time, the organization had been sued by parents whose children ran away from home at 17 years old to join the movement. As well, people like myself wanted to raise their children in a good atmosphere and they left the movement to get a job and, you know, pay for school, clothing, diapers, food, housing, cars, and gas. So, the controlling ‘heads’ of the cult lost their power. What were they to do? If they wanted to bring new people to Krishna, they were forced to give up the cult thing. And, pretty much, they did, but not completely.
What they did not give up, and my guess is they never will, is the patriarchal structure of the religion. Women within Iskcon rarely gave classes. In some of the temples, women were not allowed to be the lead singer in a call and response congregational chanting forum.
Men still propagated the philosophy that women were less intelligent because they were emotional. They expected the women to keep their sensual beauty hidden so the men would not be sexually agitated. Men required their wives do as they said and their duty was to serve their husband. A woman who refused to be the puppet required, took the chance of being beaten. I experienced this on a visit to India in 2013 when a young woman came to me looking for a room to rent to get away from her husband who was beating her and treating her like a slave. She was a 30 something woman, an intelligent and beautiful yoga teacher from New York who was not having it!
Patriarchal religions were very common in Kali Yuga. Nuns petitioned the religious community regularly to get equal rights for preaching in Catholic churches for years. Some succeeded, some did not. These things you know and I don’t need to reiterate. My mission here is to say that, “Some things changed and some things didn’t.” The cult thing was mostly gone but not entirely. The patriarchal thing would be around on this planet for a long time to come, although changes were being made daily, yearly. Patriarchy would not go away until Satya Yuga. In addition, cognitive dissonance still permeated the culture. You dare not say anything controversial and god forbid if you actually heard from a guru outside of the established community.
But the bottom line was, as long as I didn’t cause any trouble, no one would bother me so I decided to retire . . . in the association of Hare Krishna devotees, in Vrindavan, India. All I wanted to do was hear the magnificent and heart-melting stories about Krishna that made me swoon with tears of love. Where else would I get that opportunity? Vrindavan was the place of Bhakti, the place of real love!
But how would I accomplish retirement? I still owned a small yacht in the marina in Los Angeles and boats were usually hard to sell.