The Challenge
As time started to pass, each day was becoming a challenge, even though I was initially happy about my retirement. The culture was starting to take its toll on me. There I was, 8,000 miles from home, Los Angeles to Delhi and I was having problems with gratitude. I realized I was not being very grateful for the wonderful place I have been given to live, in a spiritual community where people actually seemed ‘happy,’ if you could believe that. On bad days I focused on men who drove up within a foot in back of my rickshaw and laid down on their horns. I began to resort to different methods to release my frustration. One was, I turned around and stared at the driver and gave them the finger. The other thing I did was to shout at them like, “What the fuck are you doing? Can’t you see we are blocked and we would like to move as much as you would?” Finally, I was plotting one day to take my captain’s whistle off my key chain and walk to the car behind me and blow the whistle as loudly as possible in the ear of the person driving, then kindly say, “How does that feel?” “Thik hai?”
Within a very short time, I developed a habit of calling the local Indians ‘Neanderthals’. Sometimes I thought I might have been one myself as I was losing my composure instead of merging in the absolute of transcendental peace that I intended to do! I was obsessing over these people peeing in the open sewers right in public. The beggars were shoving their dirty hands in my face and acting as if I owed them something. The rickshaw drivers would quote you a price and then argue with you about the final amount when they dropped you at your home. Everyone was yelling at each other.
Young men rode their motorcycles so fast I was sure one would knock me over one day and my head would spatter across the asphalt. There was no speed limit anywhere in Vrindavan and young men drove however they wished with no care for the consequences. Everywhere people required you remove your shoes, yet shoes were getting stollen all the time. And there were so many people who walked around barefoot anyway, when they entered a temple or specialty shop, their feet were filthy without shoes. It made no sense!
The Indians were really beginning to annoy me. They had a habit of asking you “how much you paid?” (funny English, but that’s how they said it). It was embarrassing really. The porter who brought in your purchases from Delhi, the maid, the night watchman and even your next-door neighbor wanted to know “how much you paid, madam?” I was beginning to say things like quote them an exorbitant price, or tell them it was none of their business or tell them it is rude of them to ask or tell them I’d rather not say. But basically, everyone wanted to know your business, whether it was how much you paid for your new chair or if you had company last night or what temple you went to and on and on. Vrindavan is a small village, right? I guessed I would get used to it, but at that time, it was annoying the hell out of me. I just want to go out to my car without anyone staring at me, start the engine and drive to Target. Problem was, I didn’t have a car, everyone was staring at me and there was no Target.
Nothing happened on time in Vrindavan except the temple arotiks (ceremonies for the pleasure of the deities). Those were on time to the second. But you asked your tailor when your curtains would be done and here’s what happened. “They will be ready in only two days, madam.” Four days later you would stop by his shop to pick up your curtains and he would say, “Most definitely they will be ready by Friday.” You go back Friday and he says, “Sorry madam. I will definitely have them tomorrow.”
Again, I was devising my own way of dealing with these things. “You must bring them to me then, as I have paid rickshaws twice to get here and I am not paying again.” Of course he brought the curtains to me the next day and asked me to pay for his rickshaw! I did. I understood these people have never had a Time Management course. They did not have a To Do list and therefore, they did not prioritize. They did have good memories, but they didn’t seem to have a care about being late. They thought you should expect it.
One day I was walking home from the market when a car drove up behind me and blew his horn for a solid 15 seconds. I turned around to yell at him and he actually drove his car into my leg. I was not sure why, but I was actually shocked. I shouldn’t have been. I knew it was possible that one day I could get hit. He backed up and drove off. I limped over to the office of my community and sat down in a chair on the veranda to rest for a few minutes before I made my way back to my apartment. As I sat there, tears started to well up in my eyes that I could not control, until my whole face was wet. I was sick of this dirty, uncivilized village where I was supposed to be retiring in bliss. I tried to cover my face with my cloth, but my nose was running and I had to keep wiping it. My leg was aching and I was not ready to walk when my friend and teacher, Prem walked by.
“What’s wrong” he asked? “Are you o.k.?” “No, I said. I hate this place! The people are driving me crazy! Why couldn’t Krishna have appeared in a beautiful place with nice beaches and the ocean? These people are uncivilized. Some man just hit me with his car because he was in a hurry and couldn’t wait till I got out of his way. On top of the culture, I am experiencing PTSD, post traumatic stress disorder because I was addicted to a sociopath who hit me. I’m having panic attacks at night and I can’t breathe. I think I’m going crazy!”
Prem answered, “Hey. You’ll be ok. In the first place, you are right. The people here are uncivilized, and they are very difficult to deal with. They are simple villagers without any education and without any worldly experience. Until you get adjusted, you will need to leave the country from time to time. Go to the states or Europe or somewhere. Afterwards, when you return, you will gradually be more forgiving. But Amy, it is your mind that is giving you the real trouble. I may be able to help you with that. You will need to absorb yourself in the holy name. You may think it is impossible, but actually it is very possible, if you try. Let me tell you a story.”
He continued, “ You know Lord Shiva has three aspects. The first aspect is called Sadha Shiv, the original Lord Shiva and Sadha Shiv is Vishnu Tattva or Narayan Himself. There are some past times associated with Him. In one past time, Lord Shiva became very attracted to Krishna and wanted to experience the emotion of the gopis. He therefore approached Yoga Maya who has her form as a Tapasvini, a renunciate with saffron cloth and pure white hair, and prayed with folded hands, ‘Dear Purnamasa Devi, I want to take part in the rasa lila’. She replied, ‘It is possible, but you cannot enter in the male form. You have dreadlocks and ashes smeared all over your body with cobras around your neck. You will have to change your form to enter the rasa lila. Come with me.’ She took Lord Shiva to Brahma Kunde and dunked him in the lake. When he came out, he had a beautiful gopi form. He then quickly went to Vamsi Vat to join the Rasa Lila that evening. Krishna played His flute to steal the heart of the gopis. He played ka la, soft beautiful notes to steal the hearts of the gopis who are known as bauma drisham, or those who look sideways. They look sideways at Krishna because they are married to others and they cannot look directly at Him. Their mothers in law would become very upset. In sanskrit, the long i in drisham. is pronounced eee. Then mano haram, Krishna’s flute stole the hearts of the beautiful Vraja gopis. Mano means mind and who controls the mind? The god of the mind is Chandra. In sanskrit, chandra is one dot above a letter sounding - ng. Therefore, Srila Sukadeva goswami wrote in code in Srimad Bhagavatam the sound of Krishna’s flute which is - ka la ee ng - kling which is called Kam Bija.”
“The guru gives this mantra to his disciple which takes that disciple and drags her slowly or quickly to Vrindavan, to Vamsi Vat so she may have the opportunity to take part in the past times of Krishna. So Mahadev, Lord Shiva, heard the sound of Krishna’s flute and hurried to Vamsi Vat. Krishna and all the gopis began to dance but Krishna noticed something was different. The gopis looked around and noticed there was one gopi no one knew. That gopi was Mahadev. The other gopis questioned her as to her name,village, husband and mother and law, but Lord Shiva had no answer. The gopis began to hit her because they feared she was a demon in the disguise of a beautiful gopi who might try to attack Krishna. Lord Shiva began to cry and prayed to Purnamasi, Yoga Maya, to please save her. Yoga Maya came there and said, ‘Please stop at once. This is my disciple.’ Then Krishna came and said, ‘You cannot enter the Rasa Lila, but you can stand on the outside and watch. You will be the guardian of this past time and you will make sure from today, no one will enter who is not qualified.’”
Lord Shiva, eternally stands outside of the Rasa Lila arena and is known as Gopeswara Mahadev. We all pray to that Mahadev, please bestow love for Radha and Krishna and open the door for us to serve them in Rasa Lila.
Then Prem continued, “The next generation down from Visnu Tattva is Shiv Tattva and in that form, Lord Shiva is called Shambu. When Mahavishnu wants to create the universe He glances in the direction of maya. His glance carries the power of time and also carries the jivas, or living entities. His glance has an aura around it and the aura of that glance is called kal purusha, the male principal of time personified. This is Shambu who carries the glance to the shadow of Ramadevi. Ramadevi is Maha Vishnu’s direct shadow, and this shadow is maya or illusion. Vishnu cannot be in touch with maya. He therefore glances towards Ramadevi and maya is her shadow. Then Shambu carries the glance of Vishnu and unites with Mahadev. Vishnu cannot be in touch with maya in any way, so the expansion of Vishnu that can be in touch with maya is called Shambu. This Shambu is the ingredient cause of the material world and maya is the efficient cause and by their union, the whole material creation comes into existence. Prakriti (this material nature) is in equilibrium and when that equilibrium is broken by time or kal purush, then the material modes of nature, satva - goodness, raja - passion and tamas - ignorance, appear.
Lord Shiva is called the greatest devotee because He is doing this service. Lord Shiva is also called Ahankar Svarupa. He is the origin of the false ego or ahankar. Ahankar means aham (I am) and kar(the doer). A real ego is good, but the false ego is the concept that I am in control of my world. If anyone does yoga in this world they can elevate themselves from identifying with the physical body and the mind. They can go up to the stage where their chitta (consciousness) is completely illuminated by satva (truth). Buddhists are called Bodhi Satva because their intelligence is illuminated by satva. But they cannot go further than this because the original ahankar is Lord Shiva himself. Lord Shiva enters into the conscious of the living entities and they identify with the ahankar and think they can act separately.
“Then what happens? Lord Shiva is the enjoyer of the material energy. He is the bonafide, authentic enjoyer of maya. Maya is His shakti or energy. It is perfectly legitimate for him to enjoy his shaki because she is not different from him. But when Lord Shiva enters into the consciousness of the jivas (living entities), they identify with him thinking, ‘I am the legitimate enjoyer of the material energy.’ That is why we are all in illusion, because Shambu is in our consciousness causing us to believe we are ‘the doer.’ And even if we rise all the way to the understanding we are not this body and mind, we can fall down once again because the jiva thinks, ‘I am liberated.’ I am the enjoyer of this material world. Lord Shiva is still there in her consciousness and He is not going anywhere! That is His service to Krishna, to live within the consciousness of the living entities and give them the illusion they are the enjoyers of the material world. That is what the living entities want and that is why He is the predominating deity of the mode of ignorance. He is keeping us in illusion because we want to believe we are in control.
“So we should understand very clearly that only when one has devotion to Lord Krishna, Lord Shiva says, ‘Ok, my job is done. Good bye.’ He leaves the heart of the living entity and the living entity has no more false ego.”
When Prem finished his story he said, “Amy, the only way illusion will disappear is if you become absorbed in the reality of the absolute truth of Radha and Krishna. Would you consider chanting 64 rounds of japa every day for the next month, only 30 days? Every year I encourage those who hear from me to do the same. I myself am chanting 64 rounds daily. If you will try, I think it will change your life.” He then helped me back to my apartment and left.
On that day and for 30 days after, I faithfully chanted 64 rounds each day which took me around 5 hours, sometimes more. The result of that chanting penetrated deeply within my heart as I realized, when you make a vow to chant 64 rounds a day, it has to be your first priority. It is not practical when you are working and raising children and taking care of family needs. But when you retire, it is possible. And also, the commitment of chanting and giving priority to the Holy Name, caused me to have respect for the Name. All the names of god are non-different than that form of god. By chanting the names of Radha and Krishna I began to feel oneness with the Divine. I began to feel the love. I began to have respect for the Name and it caused me to want to chant even more.