Prologue
I was always alone.
And it didn’t feel right for some reason.
I was alone even when people were surrounding me. In fact, I felt more alone when I was in a crowd than in any other place. I wanted to back off into a corner and pull a curtain in front of me so no one would notice my awkward appearance. Funny thing is, that mostly, no one noticed me anyway. It was almost like I wasn’t there! Was I? I actually wondered sometimes if I was invisible. When passing out pencils in class or party favors or questionnaires, people would skip right over me. I must be invisible, I thought! This is incredible! It happens all the time!
When I went to bed at night, I was afraid. Darkness surrounded me as I slipped in between the cold sheets and closed my eyes and I wondered, why am I alone? It wasn’t right. Somehow I knew that I was not meant to be alone. Something was very wrong. Every day I spoke with some unknown god in my heart but I didn’t get answers! Why was I doing this? I knew. I needed someone to talk to! Desperately!
And did anyone hear me when I prayed? Where was this God I was supposed to be praying to? Why doesn’t anybody know who this God is or where He is? If He exists, why doesn’t He give me a sign. The whole thing was extremely weird. How can you just believe in something without knowing? As a child I was told to bow my head and pray silently to this unknown god. “Where are you?” I cried. No answer.
It was sad. I wanted a friend. I was invisible, you know. I wanted to be with someone who would treat me like I wanted to be treated. I wanted to be lavished with affection, love and kindness. Yeah, that’s it. I wanted love! But I never felt it. What I felt was that love was just around the corner. It was coming soon. I just had to keep making the effort and one day, someone would love me.
But it never manifested. One relationship after another only lead to disappointment, starting with my family, my childhood friends and then on to boyfriends. It just wasn’t happening! So, I drank. A lot. Then I smoked pot. And finally I did Lysergic Acid. Yes, LSD. And there, I thought, I had found real love. It was a temporary feeling, but I knew it was real. Love existed! Not with one person, but with the whole world. Therefore, I had to find a way to make that LSD feeling a permanent one, a feeling that manifested naturally, a love that would last forever!