Chapter 37
Having experienced each other in the most intimate way possible, looking into each other's souls as their bodies became intertwined in mutual release, Aiden agreed to stay. Previously, he had a home with the MacGyver clan, but that was altogether different. In Aelianna's mind, she would be with him forever, possibly bearing his children. They, in turn, would be sent out into the civilized world to forge lives of their own. But, this was merely a fanciful future and for now, had no basis in anything, save for Aelianna's hopeful imagination.
As time went on, both had many things to teach each other, combining skills to double the chances of their continued survival. The two of them were able to set more traps, taking more game. Most of it would be butchered and stored beneath the snow, against the frozen ground, covered with rocks and branches, hidden away from the senses of hungry animals. In spite of their hard work, life was still difficult. And as spring made its approach, the rain, so typical of England, began to envelop the countryside. The snow was quickly vanishing, but the rain came in torrents and swept its floodwater’s through the woods. Aiden and Aelianna were quick to dig trenches to allow the water to pass around their woodland home. Strangely, one night, the sky cleared. The moon shone large and bright and what should have been a low sullen sky. The stars flickered to life, glowing in the cold furnace of the farthest reaches of otherworldly spheres. It was on those nights that Aiden and Aelianna would spend hours lying under the star-strewn sky. Their naked bodies envelope between fur-lined blankets as the moist earth shook beneath them. The stars fading to a momentary dimness as Aelianna's waxed and waned with her repeated release. But before the first signs of daylight arrived, they would make their way back through the woods, to the safety of their ramshackle home, deep out of sight from any passing eyes.
It was mid-spring when they decided that crops should be grown. But, this could not be done in the open fields and hills of the English countryside. They would have to clear a piece of land deep in the woods, away from the bogs and moors. Most of the land, however, was covered with pine and unsuitable for the cultivation of anything edible. But eventually, a broad patch of ground was discovered, home to several maples. Aelianna thought how strange it was that a group of maple trees could thrive amongst a forest of pine. But, neither questioned it. Instead, it was seen as a fortunate happenstance. Yet, Aiden recently considered the possibility that God may have guided their steps toward what would become a haven of sustenance. Growing life for the sake of living. It wasn't much. Certainly, it couldn't be called farmland, but their needs were few and as long as they took only what was necessary, there would always be food.
But further along into the spring, Aelianna discovered she was pregnant. During her previous life as a slave, she had witnessed the symptoms of women who later bore children. But, she was unsure as to how Aiden would react. After discovering the thick scars on his back, during their first night together, she inquired about his past. She believed that one is the result of their past as well as their experiences and pain, that these things mold us into who we are and if Aelianna wanted to know who Aiden was, she needed to find out who he had been. But initially, Aiden was somewhat resistant to reveal his life to her. Eventually, he would open up. However, that kind of trust always takes time to build.
It didn't take long for Aiden to realize something was amiss. With Aelianna's daily illness, he quickly became concerned and not knowing the true nature of her condition, questions were immediately raised. Aiden fell into a state of shock. His monastic education did nothing to prepare him for even the most basic facts of life. But, Aelianna explained to him that their love had created a new life that will grow over time, and be born into the world through her. Still, without a complete understanding, Aiden accepted the reality of impending fatherhood as they both celebrated this new turning point in their lives. For Aiden, it was a truly joyful experience and one that was not the result of years behind monastery walls, or the product of evil. But, this was also the beginning of another path of change as Aiden began to question the reason for his constant pursuit of evil. He began to wonder if there existed such a thing as true evil. Something that lived outside the realm of man. Perhaps people were evil. Perhaps this evil is defined by basic human nature and not by something written in a book. But, he also remembered the events at Sheffield and how he had used his 'gift' to drive something terrible from the body of a young woman. At this point, it didn't matter what it was. However, it was his experiences as well as an exercise of his 'gift' that stood in opposition of the questions he had been forced to ask. But at some point, you would come to the conclusion that some questions cannot be answered and that life is simpler without them. Aiden was in the process of changing the way he thought. About everything.
As the weeks went by, Aelianna grew round with the continuing growth of their unborn child. Aiden, no longer being the stoic enemy of spiritual corruption, waited on her hand and foot, treating her with the utmost care. He often forbade her from wandering beyond the immediacy of their home. Although they lived in unseen solitude, Aiden always left her with the means to defend herself, in the unlikely event that their home was discovered. He hated the thought of leaving her alone, but the job of living still had to be done. The growing of crops needed to be maintained. Firewood needed to be gathered and game needed to be pursued. It was a conflict Aiden was unable to resolve. Yet, there was no alternative. Very often, being in possession of a fulfilling life can still bring its own unique difficulty.
It was on one of Aiden's many sleepless nights that he experienced a reminder, not of his past, but of his present. Driven by the urge to urinate, he slipped quietly out of bed, leaving Aelianna undisturbed. Throwing his robe on, he stoked the fire for the night and walked outside, his bare feet sinking into the dark rain-soaked earth. And guided by the full moon, several yards to where a trickle of rainwater cut its way through the ground. He had spent every minute of every day obsessing over Aelianna's condition and the future of their unborn child. But, one thing was certain. Their child would get everything it needed and would want for nothing.
After relieving himself near the thin rivulet of rainwater, Aiden turned to go back to their woodland home, back to the warmth of Aelianna's side beneath the stitched fur blankets of their bed. Taking only a single step, Aiden was visibly startled by a familiar presence. Beneath the eerie cast of moonlight stood the mysterious priest he encountered in Whitby. He had entered the town's beautifully well-kept church and offered his confession. But when Aiden left the confession, he found the church in a state of ruin and the priest mysteriously gone. He dropped to his knees out of both fear and reverence. "Father," he said. He spoke in a gasp as he tried to recover his senses. "What would you have of me?" The priest pulled his hood back, exposing a head of short white hair and a kind gentle face.
"I want nothing from you Aiden," the priest replied.
Aiden was confused. Certainly, if this were some divine messenger, he would arrive with a request or holy mission. But, this ethereal visitor had come for a more personal reason.
"But I have to say, you've come a long way, haven't you?"
"I don't understand," Aiden said.
The priest clasped his hands behind his back and directed Aiden to rise. Getting to his feet, he inquired as to the reason for his visit.
"Aiden," the priest continued. "You are not the same person you were before, are you?"
Aiden hesitated as he considered the strangeness of the priest's question.
"I...I suppose not," he answered.
"And why do you think that is?" the priest asked.
Another moment went by as Aiden searched himself for an answer.
"You spent your life living someone else's delusion," he continued. "Even at such a young age, you were robbed of the person you could have become. You 'were' a holy man, but only by virtue of a lie."
Aiden understood that much. But, he had come to feel a considerable degree of anger toward the one person he held responsible for the theft of his life. And although the Abbot had been long dead, Aiden's anger persisted.
"But what of my battle against evil? Was it all for nothing?"
The priest continued with his counsel. "Aiden, did you act from a noble obligation, or did you, perhaps, act out of vengeance against the Abbot, whose life you took? There was never a mission to fight evil, was there? And as far as evil is concerned, evil can be elusive. Too elusive to go searching for. But, that does not leave you without purpose."
Aiden was still confused. If he was not the enemy of the devil, what was he? Was he simply a man? A lost soul caught in the web of a twenty-five year old lie? The confusion he felt quickly manifested on his face as the priest continued.
"And God does not give you purpose. You must mold it yourself."
It would take time for Aiden to understand this idea as he had lived his life by someone else's terms and not for himself or God.
Aiden sat on a nearby rock. His head bent down. His face in his hands. The idea that his life was just now beginning led him to weep for the loss of his last thirty years. It was as though he'd been dead the entire time and only at this moment was being born. The priest sat next to him, knowing that Aiden was witnessing the state of his life for the first time.
"Aiden," he continued. "The world is a practical place. Evil will always exist so long as there is goodness. And there is no need to search for either. You carry both within you. Live the correct path and neither good nor evil will concern you. And happiness can be found anywhere. Even here, you have found a woman and made her your wife.”
Aiden was suddenly struck by another realization. He and Aelianna had never married.
"How can she be my wife when we are not joining under the eyes of God?"
The priest, having anticipated Aiden's question, quickly responded.
"Aiden, as long as you are happy and you are good to each other, you don't have to be. It is only by the words of man that you are required to marry. God does not require such things."
The idea that he and Aelianna were living a sinful life had occurred to him on more than one occasion. But there was always work to be done and now that Aelianna was carrying his child, having time for anything else was simply not possible. Even time to think had become a commodity short in supply. And with this revelation, his previous life had truly become a thing of the past.
Aiden realized that for some time, he had been walking a different road and was only now seeing the direction it had taken. His next question was more than predictable.
"So, what do I..."
He raised his face from his hands and discovered the priest was gone. Aiden scanned the earth around him and found no footprints. The priest had simply appeared out of nowhere, delivered his counsel and vanished back into the ether. Aiden was left sitting alone as a host of questions ran rampant through his mind. But within moments, all of them fell away as he also realized that it is useless to question the past. That which cannot be changed. Neither can the present be dismantled for examination, as it never reaches completeness. By the time it is lived, it vanishes into the dim irretrievable recesses of time. It was an epiphany, unlike nothing he had ever experience. To suddenly understand that to live one's life, in the truest sense, means that life is not subject to scrutiny. That it is only the way one lives their own life that can be questioned and only by oneself. But the question itself, as well as the answer, lie well beyond the complexities we are prone to invent. It is a question so simple that no one thinks to ask it. Aiden understood not just the question, but the answer seemed to arrive by itself. Perhaps, the last thirty years of his life was merely preparation for that moment, when his mind was ready. But, what of those who had died as the result of his misguided actions? Knowing there was no going back, Aiden would carry the burden of responsibility, along with the images of their faces, for the rest of his life.
That night, as Aelianna slept, Aiden retrieved his knife and burying it in the fires glowing coals, heated it to a brilliant red. He had decided he would no longer live as part of the lie that had nearly consumed him. When the knife blazed a bright crimson, he removed it, holding the handle by a heavy piece of leather. He glanced over at Aelianna again. Her face glowed a dim orange from the fire, a slight smile on her somnolent face. So as not to wake her, he left the hut and walked into the woods. Aiden was very tolerant of pain, but it had been a long time since he had experienced it.
He stopped just as he began to lose sight of the hut. And getting to his knees, Aiden held up the hot glowing knife and prepared himself. He raised a hand to his forehead and with his fingertips, felt the borders of the brand. It had never been a topic of lengthy discussion, given Aiden's painful history. But, things had changed. He had changed. And what he was about to do would be the final stroke in divorcing himself from everything that made him who he had been. His days of wandering the countryside, searching out anything that even whispered of something sinister were over.
In the cold dappled light of the forest moon, Aiden held the point of the hot blade near his skin and with a steady hand, drove it into his flesh. The smell forced its way into his nose immediately as smoke wafted up from his forehead. His face became twisted with pain while tears rolled from his eyes. It was only moments later that Aiden became blinded by the haze of tears and pain. But as long as the blade followed his fingertips, he would be able to accomplish his goal of cutting the satanic cross from his forehead. He continued pushing the tip of the knife around the scarred symbol on his forehead. The knife was losing its glow, but still hot enough for Aiden to peel away the last remnant of his past. Grabbing the top edge of the wound between his finger and thumb, he pointed the tip of the knife down. With his flesh screaming and his teeth clenched, he began picking beneath the rough outline of skin surrounding what he once believed represented a great enemy he was to spend his life fighting. To have pain imposed upon him was something he had become used to, but inflicting it upon himself took a degree of strength he was not aware he possessed.
This seemed to take forever. Every cut. Every slice. Every pic of the blade into his bleeding flesh calls Aiden's mind to detach and drift away. But some part of him remained and finally, he held the scarred patch of skin between his fingers. Blood ran down his face and into his eyes as he rose to his feet. His faculties had begun to slip back to him. Walking required a great deal of effort. Not because of any physical injuries, but the mental shock that accompanied the experience of exquisite pain.
Upon staggering back to the hut, Aiden discovered that Aelianna was not only awake but waiting. While she slept, something inside her felt his absence and she woke in a state of alarm. She cracked the door open and was startled into a gasp at the sight of Aiden's bloody face. "Aiden!" she began. "I feared you had left. What happened to you?"
Before Aiden's arrival, Aelianna's greatest fear was in being discovered. But, now that they were one, her greatest fear had transformed itself into the possibility of being alone. However, what is possible and what is likely are often two different things and Aiden was not about to leave.
He staggered then as Aelianna caught him around the waist. She brought him to the floor as the knife fell from his hand. And rolling him onto his back, she examined his face and discovered the exposed flesh on his forehead. She inspected him further and as her eyes searched down his arms and hands, Aelianna found the missing patch of skin. Its edges had been blackened by the knife, but the back of it still ran with a clear fluid. By this time, Aiden had fallen into a stupor and being too heavy for her to move, she covered him with a blanket and began tending to his wound.
Retrieving the knife Aiden had dropped, Aelianna pushed it back into the coals. With no way to close the gaping wound on his forehead, she would have to sear its exposed flesh. It was no longer bleeding, but without the burning touch of hot metal, it would quickly become inflamed, greasy and pustulant. She made him comfortable, sitting him up to give him water and washing the dried blood from his face. By the time Aelianna laid him back down, the knife was, again, a glowing fiery red. She used the same piece of leather to draw it from the flames and sitting at the side of Aiden's head, spoke to him softly.
"God knows I would never harm you," she began. "But this must be done."
With those words, Aelianna's eyes filled with tears as she pressed the side of the broiling knife against the slightly runny wound. Aiden winced in pain as his muscles stiffened. However, his exhausted state of mind left him unable to resist the burning steel Aelianna held firmly on his forehead.
As the smoke cleared, Aelianna carefully lifted the knife from Aiden's skin. The hut was thick with the smell of burning flesh and she opened the door slightly in order to let the wind evacuate it. The next morning, Aiden woke to find Aelianna sitting next to him with an expression of great concern. She had spent the night watching him for any signs of fever or other illness. She had placed a small stalk of medicinal herb on the gouge he'd cut from his forehead and wrapped his head with a relatively clean strip of cloth. The herb acted as an antibiotic but would do nothing for the pain. As he sat up, his mind spun as the inside of the hut spiraled around him. Aelianna grabbed him by the shoulders as he began to lean towards the fire. And as his senses began to clear, she gave him small sips of water, being careful not to let him drink too quickly.
Finally, the world stopped spinning and with Aelianna's help, Aiden slowly rose to his feet. He brought his hand up and discovered the cloth she'd wrapped around his head. And as his fingertips found their way beneath it, Aelianna took his hand.
"Let it heal," she said.
She slowly turned him around and walked him to the bed.
"Get some rest. I'll wake you later."
In spite of having fallen asleep on the floor, Aiden quickly drifted off again on the comfort of their bed. Rising only a few hours later, he reached the conclusion that sleeping on the bare floor is never a good idea.
Sitting up, he found his back screaming in pain and stiffness. Turning and twisting from side to side, Aiden felt the bones along his spine crackle and pop as they pushed and pulled themselves back into place. The muscle stiffness, however, would be with him for a few days. Standing up, he rolled his shoulders back, stretching his arms over his head. The searing of flesh caused the gouge on his forehead to become numb, but the pain would return as the wound healed. Opening the door, he was blinded by the late morning sun as Aelianna walked towards him, carrying a freshly killed rabbit. She looked at him with care and concern and putting a hand softly on his face, kissed him on the lips.
"How are you feeling?" she asked.
She looked into his eyes for any expression of pain. It seems the eyes are always first to reflect both sensation and emotion.
By late afternoon, Aiden had recovered almost completely and was well on his way to reestablishing the routine of life. He began by gathering firewood. There was never enough of it, and although they often conserved in their use of it, an ample supply would be needed for the eventuality of winter. The gathering of firewood was, therefore, a constant activity. But by evening, all outdoor responsibilities had been precluded by the darkening of the night sky. Living in the isolated English countryside brought the beauty of an unobstructed view of the night, free of man-made structures. Its celestial lanterns hung high in the cool air, their flames flickering as the backdrop for the waning moon.
Dinner was met by an obvious degree of tension, and while Aiden was occasionally willing to talk to Aelianna about his past with the Urielin monks, he would never tell her about the mysterious priest who appeared to him in the woods. He feared that doing so would cause her to question his sanity and she worried enough about his present condition as it was.
"Why would you do this?" she asked.
"I could no longer carry it," Aiden began. "My past is a burden to me. Sometimes, I feel as though I am drowning in the terror I have caused. You are the only reason it does not consume me completely."
Aelianna took his hand and grasping it firmly expressed her deep concern for the effect Aiden's past seemed to be having on him.
"I wish you would talk to me about this," she said.
But, Aiden believed that the past should stay in the past and they're resurrecting it could bring more to life than simple conversation.
"I am trying to forget. My new life is with you," he began. "If you wish to do anything for me, please allow me to bury the ghosts of my past."
Aelianna squeezed his hand, and with a gentle smile, nodded her agreement. But, the last word on the issue was hers as she asked that should he ever feel the need to talk, she would always be there to listen. Certainly, Aiden would never tell her of his gift, the ability to cast out evil through the power of God living within him.