CHAPTER 7
I had made a conscious effort to re-think my life and tried hard to tell myself, that although, the feelings I had of, sadness, loneliness and foolishness, but to name a few, I was going to sort my life out and try so hard to establish me again, who was me ? I simply wanted to be happy and share a common bond with another, not to rush in at the drop of a hat and make yet another huge error of judgment, to only end up a sad and shattered wreck.
It was a day or two until I received a phone call from Elly and to be honest, I didn’t expect to hear from her for a while, until she had sorted out her feelings and most of all, whether her relationship with Carly could be repaired.
Elly explained, that she had listened to Carly and although she loved her, their relationship was over and had asked Carly to leave, as she had been hurt once too many times and it was time to move on in the best way she could.
Once again, I offered a shoulder to cry on, I couldn’t do anymore than this, I was too far away and really, I too needed to process the past events and approach the future with caution, staying focused on what I wanted and needed to begin an honest and true life, with or without anyone else.
Elly and I continued to chat on the phone for about, I would say 5 months, clocking up the international phone cards and becoming sincere friends, talking at length of our lives, loves and general everyday schedules, we also chatted about our families and values, dislikes and likes, in fact everything under the sun including putting the world to right, we enjoyed each others company, if you could call it that, the pond as they say, was a bloody great ocean, yet still created a sense of being in each others lives, as though we were sitting next to each other.
Elly always called me about the same time, more or less everyday, Elly said, she would rush from work, grab her coat off, get a drink and wait until the clock reached the time to ring me, you know that time difference thing of five hours. I too watched the clock in anticipation of her phone call, for me it was 11pm, for Elly it was 6pm, this meant my nights were long and late, knowing that I had a business to run, yet it didn’t seem to concern me at the time, I was, dare I say it, addicted to Elly’s conversations, I too felt drawn and needing this friend, who had gone through the deceit I had, I was allowing myself to be distracted once again by a seemingly lovely woman, it felt different, genuine, trusting, calm, open and compassionate. I realised that 5 months down the line, I had found a woman, who was sounding at last, a person I would be friends with, someone I felt had no hidden agenda’s or calculated plans, simply a woman whom right now, I began to trust and wanted to meet.
At this stage, we had exchanged photo’s, after all, I needed to see the face behind the voice and sure enough I can say, Elly was beautiful, long dark hair, smooth dark skin, a smile to light up anybody’s day and eye’s to die for, she was simply beautiful.
I must admit, I struggled to get a decent photo to send to Elly of me, as I am not a photogenic subject and of course I wanted to send the best one, which was the best, none really but hey, I sent one anyway, which in the end was ok, at least I was smiling. Elly’s reaction to my photo was the same, so she said, beautiful and kind. Yes she was right, lol………
Elly said she was going to send me a final package over to the UK for me, I questioned, “why a final one”, Elly replied, “don’t worry, you will know why it’s the final one“. I was intrigued to say the least and even though I questioned her in a girly immature way, Elly was giving nothing away, she laughed too, loving every minute of my girl like pleading but it didn’t work, Elly gave nothing away.
During the time Elly and I continued talking, I mentioned the package all the time, yet still she remained silent about it, I gave up, yes I gave up, I simply had to wait and that was one of the hardest things to do, when deep down inside, I had this feeling, it was a package which became, in the end, another beginning in my life, where this time, I had my eye’s wide open and my heart destined to be somewhere else, I suppose you call it, a woman’s intuition.
It was around five days later, that the postman rang the bell, I sprinted to the door and sure enough, in front of me, was a package from the USA, the postman must have thought, I was a woman possessed, grabbing the package, signing for it in a doctors scribble, oops, I mean illegible hand writing, I mean, oh you know what I mean, I shut the door and slowly walked back to the lounge, yes slowly and holding the contents, close to my chest, as though Elly was actually holding me, oh had I got it bad, AGAIN, am I destined to be happy, am I counting on this to be what I thought it would be, what I mean is, was this package going to reaffirm my thoughts and woman’s intuition, that deep down, I was going to be with Elly very soon.
I opened the package, wrapped securely, so secure, I was frustrated that it was taking forever to get in to it, I know, really it was me being impatient, wanting so much to see the contents of Elly’s secret.
It began to unravel, first was a cd, then another cd, then another and yet another, with a small pretty card, saying “to Shar, I thought you would enjoy some music, that I like too, I wish you were hear with me, even though you shouldn’t”, “love your friend Elly”.
I was somewhat confused, deflated and sad, that she had kept this from me as a surprise, my anticipation was in vein and it was clear to see, that Elly was seeing us as purely platonic friends and I on the other hand, was being the foolish old idiot, thinking this was so much more, what the hell was I thinking, why am I putting myself through this, Elly doesn’t feel this, for god’s sake get a grip Shar.
I reluctantly, as a stubborn spoilt child, unlike me, put the first cd on, Norah Jones, I had never heard of her but I gave it a try, mmmmm not a riveting cd but I felt loyal and grateful so I played it. The next two cd’s were other artists, which I had never heard of but again I played them out of gratitude.
There was one cd left, Deborah Cox whom I had heard of in the dance clubs, she had a few hits in the UK, not your romantic artist, she was in fact a dance club singer, which I really liked but right now, I was not in the mood for dance music. I put the cd’s next to me and sat quietly, thinking, why, wondering what relevance the cd’s were, I couldn’t let on to Elly how I was really feeling, or could I. I had waited five days for this package and Elly had even said, this will be the final package I will send you, I was totally puzzled, I had to be honest with Elly, when we next spoke, I had to ask, why would she send me music ??????
That day, I wondered aimlessly around my house, I managed to get some things done but it was eating away at me, I was trying so hard to be positive, I tried to kick myself in to touch, constantly saying over and over in my mind, grow up, Elly is your friend, she is kind, funny, intelligent, compassionate and most of all a loving person, who has shown you true friendship, this is precious, wake up and embrace her loving friendship.
Oh my, oh how all that sounded like a crock of s@!!…., I was actually, fighting against falling for Elly, I was yet again besotted with her, I found in Elly, what I was hoping to be a genuine and honest future and right now, I was blowing it all out of perspective.
I went in to the lounge, grabbed the Deborah Cox cd, I fought to get the case open, I needed some loud club music on, to get me out of this hole I had created for myself, I needed to get a grip and be grateful for such a lovely friend and continue to have stability in my life without any complication.
As I managed to open the cd case, out sprung a piece of paper, small wrapped tightly together, this started my heart racing, I folded it back, it was Elly’s writing, it said “Shar, play track 7, it will explain everything, Elly X”
You can imagine, for a few seconds I froze, my heart racing so fast, I forgot to exhale.
I fumbled stupidly to get the cd in the player, I flicked the switch, frantically pressing the button on the remote control to reach track 7, then it played. It was a long unusual dance intro but then the lyrics began…
“nobody is supposed to be here”, “on a search to find”
”my heart says no, no, nobody supposed to be here” “but when I turn around” “love has knocked me down”,
At that moment, I felt a surge of happiness, a sense of well being and celebration, I turned the cd louder, the neighbours must have thought, a party had begun and in fact it had.
I knew I was not imagining anymore, that our relationship was clearly deeper than I anticipated, well I had hoped for. Elly was telling me, that she wanted to protect her heart and not fall again for another woman but actually she had, Elly felt the same as I did. Elly couldn’t say it on the phone but instead sent me a package and inside was a small note, with a huge message, that had travelled, half way around the world, to make that dramatic entrance, that impacted on my heart so much, I was beside myself with tears of so much joy.
Please don’t laugh at my old fashioned romantic side but to experience such happiness, in one small package, is truly a gift in itself.
For hours, I played the song over and over again, trying hopelessly to get a grip on myself but as we all know, one single shred of emotional happiness, can and did place me at another level, a state of mind, where I was truly so happy and grateful, that a woman so far away and of course in such bizarre circumstances, had expressed deeper feelings for me than I could have imagined. I was given another chance to be happy, an invitation in to someone else’s heart and again, endeavour to place my faith in another.
Once coming to terms with last few hours, well simply back to reality, I couldn’t wait to speak with Elly, I had to wait until the end of the day, as that same old time difference came into play, so my clock watching, was a little erratic to say the least, I would get on with every day work, then check the clock and only minutes had gone by, I would do more work, in hope more time had passed, it had, but again not significant enough to get excited, in fact it was making me more anxious but I had to put myself in check, telling myself over and over again to calm down and wait, wait I had no choice. The frustration of not being able to speak with Elly was unbelievable.
I managed to get through the day, without losing the plot, which I can tell you wasn’t an easy task, to be alone, even though I had the choice to speak with Becky, I simply wanted to control my feelings and treasure the emotion within me, of course I would share all of this with Becky in time, once Elly and I had spoken, giving us the chance to talk, with no distractions or words of advice, really I mean caution, bearing in mind, my recent failure not to acknowledge the deceitful antics of Carly, I had to deal with my feelings, be the judge of the sincerity of Elly’s feelings and most importantly not rush to grab the first opportunity of love.
My ability to be private about all of this, was quite admirable, as I was bursting at the seams to tell Becky, even my family, but it was too early and certainly not appropriate, especially with my family to expose them yet again to a new love interest, especially my mum, although she was a wonderful woman and so understanding of my life style, I was always mindful of how much I was prepared to tell her, out of respect, I was careful and subtle about my life and when the time was right, I would share my happiness with her and everyone else.
I managed to get through the day, not speaking to anyone, desperate to do some work at home, even though I cheated on some tasks, yes, cutting corners, as my concentration was short lived, with my mind elsewhere, deep in the depths of Elly.
The clock had now been kind to me, it reached the very moment of the most important call in such a long time, well I had five minutes to go really, but close enough for my heart to beat faster, my stomach to do all flips under the sun and close my eyes, just for a brief second, to breathe.
The sound of a phone ringing is right now bliss, it was a sound that in my business, sometimes really got on my nerves with the constant calls, but right now, the telephone is my friend, an invention that changed so many people’s lives and right now for sure, mine.
I picked up the phone and the sound of the long distance bleep, made me so sure, it was the voice, I had longed to hear.
Elly’s voice said” is that you Shar ?”, I replied, “yes it’s me, how are you”, inside I wanted to shout with so much joy, I was smiling inside and out so much, it hurt. Elly seemed to be so on the ball with her perception of my somewhat, reserved conversation, as I was so quiet, I mean I was stage struck, lost for words, I was simply so elated and happy again, It took me a few minutes to compose myself and have a normal chat with Elly. Elly said, “Shar, what’s wrong ? You seem very quiet, are you ok ?”, I replied, “if I told you the truth, I fear you will laugh, or think I am some immature kid, or even a love struck teenager”, Elly did laugh, but I felt Elly actually knew how I felt and this came across in her voice, Elly had a voice, which told you all she felt at that time, she told a story with her voice, I could close my eyes and listen to her every word and know how she was portraying a feeling, a thought, a situation, an opinion.
I bit the bullet and began to tell Elly, how I had watched the clock all day, unable to concentrate fully on what I was doing, feeling so excited inside, that I wanted to shout and tell the world how I felt, my stomach performing all flips known to man and most of all, how I felt about her. This was the time I said the word love, yes I know, heart on the sleeve again, Shar is showing her mushy side, which has got her in to trouble many times prior, but I couldn’t help it, I felt so close to Elly, so in touch with her innocent lure, of filling my life with
simple loving, that engulfed me with so much happiness.
Your now wondering, what was Elly’s reply, well here goes, “Shar, (in a soft voice), I love you too”, this was to me, a statement from heaven, I closed my eyes and echoed those words in my head, over and over again, making sure, Elly had just said “I love you too” I replied, “do you”, Elly softly replied again, “yes I do, I wanted to say it a while ago, but thought it to be too soon and I wanted to be sure in my heart, but I do love you”, I paused and replied, “Elly, I feel so close to you, even though your in the US, I understand this between us, is certainly going to be a sure test of our hearts and mind but can we do this ?” Elly replied, “Shar, I’m here, you are there, that means at some point, we have to come together, don’t you think ? “, I replied, “yes we do but when ?”, Elly replied slowly and responsibly, like she always did “well, how about, we talk some more and drop in our conversation, you coming to visit me and me coming to visit you?”, I was beside myself, in my head, I had booked the flight, I was already there, I started to pace the lounge, my head was pounding, with the added adrenalin shooting in places I had never felt before, my heart couldn’t take this sudden impact of heart felt expression from Elly and now, the planning of actually going to see her and the very thought of holding Elly for the first time, was something I so dearly wanted.
Our conversation, as usual, was of fun, gossip and more fun, we never seemed to run out of chat, even after hours of uninterrupted phone chat, our phone cards on the other hand, were taking a hammering but no price could be placed on such a wonderful part of my life right now.
We said our goodbyes and we both agreed to begin looking for flights to the US, yes I had bit the bullet again and said I would visit Elly first and arrange for my business to close for two weeks, whilst I took a well deserved holiday, with a latin twist !!!!!!
My life right now, was at a stage of hope and uncomplicated bliss, I felt I was so close, to feeling truly loved again. Could all of this actually work for me, a future that could possibly restore my faith, with a woman who filled me with so much happiness, after so much turmoil and relentless heartache I had endured, at long last, could I really experience the true love, I had so dearly prayed for………………..
It took me all of one day to find a flight to New York, nothing that day was as important as finding this flight out to Elly. It was an expensive day, the flight, clothes, bits & bobs, as you do when preparing for a holiday, but this two week journey, was special, so special that, so many arrangements had been made for the business and breaking it gently to my family, so that my trip came across to them that I was simply going to visit a friend, whom I had been in contact with for some time, well it was true, but I did leave out of course, the feelings I had spinning around inside and the fact of the circumstances surrounding this huge trip, are to be left unsaid, right now.
My mum, who was a beautiful person inside and out, was a very astute woman, who knew exactly what was going on in this head of mine, she didn’t question my intentions, but she calmly asked me, “do you know what you are doing”, this was my mum, knowing how I felt and seeing the excitement and passion all around me, my mum had this sixth sense to understand, that this was much more than I was letting on, I replied “yes mum I do“, I smiled and replied again,” you know me so well”, she replied, “yes I do and I simply want you to be happy”.
I loved my mum so much and even though, like many children, think they are right, mum’s really do know best and her cautious concern, was deep down so welcoming to me, it truly showed me, that my mum really cared about my future and well being. My mum knew only too well, that I would make this trip, no matter what and although her motherly words were heard, my mind was made up and I had to get to Elly.