She lay in bed, wide awake. It was 10.30 p.m., the kids long since fed, bathed and put to bed in their own room, and the house was quiet. The door between her room and the girls’ was open, as usual, so she would hear any disturbance. It was always possible Leila might come and visit her during the night if she happened to wake up and feel the need to be comforted. Jess would welcome it. She needed some comfort herself.
But for the moment she was consumed by her own thoughts and they prevented sleep. She regretted being angry at Michael. It was sheer impulse, a reaction to his shocking and unexpected announcement, and it had destabilised her. Just when she thought life was settling down to something approaching normality, it seemed her world had been turned on its head all over again.
Having thought about it all evening, she understood she couldn’t blame Michael for Lisa’s reappearance. It must have come as a huge shock to him too and she knew she needed to apologise for her behaviour towards him, especially after everything he’d done for her. But he had said that he’d thought long and hard before telling her and decided ultimately that she needed to know. Why did she need to know? Was he simply trying to share the burden of knowledge? It was inconceivable that Michael, an experienced lawyer, the soul of discretion and dispassionate guardian of his clients’ affairs, should feel the need to unburden himself of a secret like that, for no obvious reason. After all, he’d insisted nothing would change. But at the same time, his revelation undermined that very notion.
She had also been angry with Lisa for putting Peter through so much torment and pain. Michael had said it wasn’t that simple and she hadn’t given him the chance to explain. How complicated could it be? She couldn’t help thinking what might have happened if Lisa had reappeared at any time prior to Peter’s death. In her first few weeks at Chalton, she’d always assumed Lisa would return one day and it was only after Peter had told her the full tragic story that they both were able to move on and make a new life together. From that moment on, time had started to heal the wounds.
Jess would never have wished Lisa dead. She would have done anything to make Peter happy, and if that meant welcoming Lisa home at any time, she would have gladly done it and stepped aside and left her to take her rightful place alongside her father. Whatever had driven Lisa to remain hidden and incommunicado, oblivious or otherwise to her father’s pain, all would have been forgiven and forgotten amidst the euphoria and joy he would surely have felt at seeing her again.
And what did Lisa know of the will? Michael had referred only to a meeting they had in his office the day after the funeral. What did they discuss? What did Lisa know about her and her children? Had Lisa seen them in the graveyard, made any connection, seen the resemblance, drawn any conclusions or made any comments about her? And where was she now? Was she likely to show up here at any time?
It was impossible for her to unravel the mystery. There were too many questions. She would have to go and see Michael and talk to him. He said nothing had changed. But for her, and Sophie and Lucy and Leila, everything had changed. She knew what she had to do.
***
Sandy showed Jess into Michael’s office and he greeted her warmly but reservedly. She had called Sandy at home during breakfast and asked if Michael was available to see her that day, and if so, whether Keira could pop over to Chalton and look after the kids for a couple of hours. He was and she could.
“Morning, Jess. How are you?” He kissed her on both cheeks and, without waiting for a reply, said, “Please, sit down. Would you like some coffee?” Jess sat down nervously, contrition the first item on her agenda.
“No. Thanks very much. And thanks for seeing me so promptly.” It was too polite. It was not the way they were. It was not the way she wanted them to be.
“I’m sorry about yesterday—”
“No! I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have been so stroppy.” She smiled sheepishly at him and he smiled back.
“It’s perfectly understandable. It must have been a great shock.”
“Yes. But I know it wasn’t your fault. I was just, well, a bit confused and, I suppose, worried. Worried that everything was going to come crashing down again.”
“Nothing’s going to come crashing down,” he said gently and calmly, but she wasn’t listening.
“You know, I couldn’t have done any of this without you and I’ll never be able to thank you enough for what you did to get Leila back. And Emma too. You’ve been wonderful to me and I had no right to take it out on you.”
He sighed.
“Jess, I know you’re grateful, but just to see you and the girls happy and content is thanks enough. I know for a fact that this is what Peter wanted, and it was an honour and a privilege to be able to help him. And help you too.”
She nodded. Friends again.
“Maybe I could have some tea?”
He smiled and picked up the phone.
“Sandy, could we have two teas, please? Thanks.” She picked a handkerchief from her bag to blow her nose and he took the opportunity to try again.
“You know, there’s nothing to worry about. Nothing is going to change.”
“I know. You said that. But then why did you tell me? If I didn’t need to know before, why do I need to know now?”
He sat back in his chair.
“It was always debatable in my mind. I just got to the point where, on balance, it seemed to be the right thing to do.”
“Does Emma know?”
“She didn’t, but she does now. She’s as shocked as you are.”
“Did anyone know?”
“Sandy showed them into my office that day, but she didn’t know who she was. She wasn’t with me when Lisa went missing.”
“Them? Here, in this office?”
“Lisa and Sujay.”
“The guide? He was here too?”
“Yes.”
“So no one knew but you?”
“No.” He sounded regretful.
“So, what tipped the balance? What made you say something?” There was a tap on the door. It opened and Sandy came in and put a tray down on the side table next to Michael’s desk.
“Thanks Sandy.” Sandy smiled at Jess and gave her a wink before closing the door behind her as she left.
“I need to give you the background. The context.” He passed over a cup and saucer and she took a sip. She held the saucer in both hands as he spoke.
“As we now know, Lisa wasn’t killed at Langtang. She was there, but she was very lucky. Legend has it that the entire population was wiped out, but it turns out a few villagers did survive and Lisa was one of them. She was the only Westerner to get out, but she was badly injured. No help arrived for days, according to Sujay, by which time she had already managed to drag herself out from beneath the rubble and crawl her way up to a ridge and onto a trail that was rarely used. She said she didn’t remember the rest, but eventually woke up in a place called Chumtang, some thirty miles to the north, being attended to by some women villagers. Sujay assumed she must have been picked up by a mule train. He said they only went that way once a month, so she was very lucky indeed.”
“Oh God, how awful.”
“Quite.”
“So how long was she there?”
“Four years.”
“Four years?” Jess almost spilt her tea. How could she have been there four years? She couldn’t comprehend it. “How bad was she?”
“Well, I don’t really know. She had some broken bones, apparently. She certainly walks with a limp and she has a terrible scar down one side of her face. Beyond that I can’t tell.”
Jess still didn’t understand.
“So, assuming she recovered after, say, a few months, why did she stay out of sight? Why didn’t she try and get word back to Peter that she was okay?” Her anger was coming to the fore again. She couldn’t help thinking of Peter’s despair and hopelessness at losing her. She didn’t stop to think Lisa may have had a reason.
“Because she didn’t know who she was.”
“I don’t understand.”
“She lost her memory. Retrograde amnesia. Presumably brought on by a blow to the head and the trauma of the disaster. She lost all her possessions in the landslide. All she had were the clothes she was wearing at the time. She didn’t even know her own name, never mind where she was born or where she’d come from.” Jess’s mouth dropped open as she tried to imagine the state she’d been in. “And because she had no ID, the villagers didn’t know who she was either. They just took care of her. They called her ‘Alisha’. Quite appropriate, actually.” Jess looked puzzled. “It means ‘Protected by God’.”
Jess took another sip of tea and then put the cup and saucer down on the desk. Her head was beginning to hurt. Was it possible Lisa had lived in a remote Himalayan village for four years with complete loss of memory? If so, then she’d misjudged her greatly and she suddenly felt pangs of guilt for doubting the girl. She tried to imagine her situation, recovering from her injuries, knowing nothing about her past, oblivious to what may have been going on back home, and both she and Peter, each unaware that at one point they were only thirty miles apart. And then, two or three months later, when he’s given up all hope, she comes walking back into his life. But this time it’s not Lisa, it’s Lisa’s double, and Alice has a story similar to his, but the roles are reversed. The parallels were stark and extraordinary. Too extraordinary to contemplate. But something wasn’t right.
“But she must have found out who she was eventually, or how else could she have come back?”
“She told me that as time went by, fragments of her memory returned. Initially not enough to know who her father was or where she was from – but her time at Langtang as a teacher; the kids in her class; the earthquake itself; the landslide. Word eventually got back to Kathmandu that a Western girl was living in Chumtang. A survivor of Langtang. Sujay got to hear about it and put two and two together. He trekked all the way up there to check it out. He found her and between them, they filled in the blanks. Eventually, he persuaded her to come back.”
“Persuaded? Why did she need persuading?” Her frustration was growing again.
“Well, I can’t be sure. But it may have been something to do with her Buddhism.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean that I knew she had shown some interest in it at university. She said so before she went. Said it helped her to cope with Janica’s death and she wanted to know more. That’s why she went to Nepal in the first place.”
“Religion? Religion took her to Nepal and stopped her coming back?”
“It’s not quite religion, Jess. More a way of life. I’m by no means an expert, but I think it may have had a profound influence on her judgement.” Jess shook her head, trying to work it all out.
“So, let me run through this again. She goes off to Nepal to get over the loss of her mum, becomes a Buddhist, gets caught in the disaster, loses her memory for a few years and then, when she gets it back, decides it’s better to stay there as a Buddhist than get in touch with her family?”
“I don’t pretend to understand it any more than you, Jess,” said Michael ruefully. “That’s just what she said.”
“So what did make her come back?”
“Sujay.” She shook her head again. “Sujay explained to her that Peter had come to try and find her after the earthquake. That Peter had visited Langtang, had probably stood on the same ridge she’d crawled along in her battered state and that he’d finally gone home utterly despondent and broken. She said she knew then that he loved her.”
The words came back instantly.
“I loved her dearly. I can’t bear to think she may not have known that.”
Jess exhaled slowly and fought the wave of emotion building inside her.
“Oh God. I can’t bear it,” she whispered as Michael continued.
“But of course, Sujay hadn’t seen Peter for years. Didn’t know where he was or even whether he was still alive. Had no idea you existed, and even if he had, it wouldn’t have stopped him. He was just doing his duty. Finishing a job he’d started years previously. Reuniting a parent with a lost child.” The parallels. They must have got back to Kathmandu about the same time as Leila.” She let out a nervous laugh. An involuntary puff of air. They could have passed each other in the street.
“It took him a day or so to find out that I was the contact. He got through to me the week after Peter died.” Her mind was still whirling from the revelations, revising opinions and judgements, getting closer to Lisa by the moment; beginning to understand.
“I spoke to Lisa and I have to say she didn’t sound like the Lisa I knew. But she was able to give me enough personal detail to convince me she was who she claimed. I told her there was nothing here for her, it was too late, and she was remarkably composed. Not at all upset or traumatised. Just matter of fact. Accepting. But she insisted she wanted to come back anyway.”
“Why?”
“As I said, she wanted to pay her respects. She may have been a Buddhist, but she was still Peter’s daughter. I thought I had persuaded her to wait till after the funeral. Let the dust settle a bit. So I was surprised to see her there. But she kept a low profile. In truth I had no idea how I was going to handle it when she learnt about you, or even saw you. That’s why I wanted to delay things until I had time to brief you. The last thing you needed at the funeral was to see Lisa, your double, apparently risen from the grave.”
“That would have been, er, difficult,” she nodded. “But how could they afford the flights? She couldn’t have had any money. Who paid for them to come over here in the first place?” Michael looked uncharacteristically awkward and shifted in his seat.
“Er, you did, indirectly. I knew Peter wouldn’t have hesitated, so I used Leila’s fighting fund. I’m sorry, a technical breach of trust. I hope you’ll forgive me.”
“Of course. There’s nothing to forgive.” She smiled at him, thinking how honourable and upstanding he was, and in that way at least, just like Peter. She missed Peter terribly, but she still had Michael. “So where is she now? When can I see her?”
“You can’t. She and Sujay flew back to Kathmandu almost immediately.”
“But why?”
“That’s where her life is.”
“But did you explain to her about the will? Did you explain to her about me?” Michael sighed.
“I explained to her that, because Peter was convinced she had died in Langtang, he’d made other arrangements in his will. I didn’t feel the need to go any further than that and she didn’t press me to.”
“But surely, she must have realised there was a fortune here that belonged to her?”
“Once belonged to her,” he corrected her gently.
“Well, it’s the same thing,” she protested, but then wondered why she was saying it at all.
“No, it’s not Jess. Peter’s will was his and his alone. He changed it in full cognisance of the facts, as he saw them. He was of sound mind and body, more or less, and although, as I said to you before, I challenged him on it, I had no doubt whatsoever of his sanity or his rationale.”
“So, she just walked away? Lisa just went back home to an impoverished life in a tiny village in the Himalayas?” It sounded even more implausible when she said it out loud.
“Yes.”
“But why?”
“Because she’s a Buddhist. I looked it up. They have no interest in wealth, assets, belongings or any physical possessions. They believe that the pursuit of wealth cannot bring happiness and ultimately leads only to suffering. Their whole lives are dedicated to the avoidance of suffering and the quest for nirvana. Spiritual enlightenment. Awakening. As I said, I’m not an expert.” He waved a hand in the air. Jess exhaled slowly.
Michael may not be an expert on Buddhism, she thought, but he was far better informed than she was. She had no complaint about the principles of Buddhism, at least as far as he had explained them. She had lived a meagre existence most of her life, had been destitute twice before she met Peter and didn’t feel particularly euphoric about her inheritance, other than it gave her peace of mind for her children.
She did have to admit, though, given the choice between destitution and wealth, she would choose the latter, but again, only in as much as it allowed her to provide adequately for the ones she loved. And in that sense, she knew exactly where her priorities lay, as did Lisa. Or was it Alisha? She made a mental note to look up Buddhism and learn a bit more. But then the original question came back. She reiterated the facts.
“So, if Lisa had no interest in the will, had no idea who I was or that I even existed, only wanted to see where her father was buried and go home again, back to her primitive life in Nepal, and I had no idea she existed either, and in fact, no one but you had any idea she was still alive … why did you tell me?”
“Because I felt I had to.”
“But you said nothing had changed. Lisa’s gone back. She’ll probably never return and we can all go back to our lives as if nothing has happened.”
“It was selling the house that made me think.”
“Made you think what?” She could feel her frustration bubbling to the surface again. Frustration at not being clever enough to work it out for herself. Frustration at having to rely on others to spell out what may be obvious to them, but was never obvious to her.
“I said nothing has changed. The will is the will and, as far as I’m concerned, Peter’s wishes have been carried out properly and in total accord with his instructions.”
“So?” Get to the point.
“There is a tiny chance, an infinitesimal chance, that one day, Lisa may get bored where she is, renounce Buddhism, seek to regain all the trappings of Western culture, and come home and challenge the will. Jess frowned.
“Can she do that?”
“She may be able to make the case that, due to Peter suffering the trauma of her disappearance and supposed death, and his increasingly poor health, none of which was her fault, he could not have been of sound mind, and therefore not fit to change his will. Furthermore, she could easily argue that if Peter had known then what we know now, he would never have cut her out in the first place. Which is undoubtedly true.”
Jess thought about this for a moment. Michael was outlining a scenario in which Lisa might take back what she believed to be rightfully hers. Everything Peter had given to her would be taken away. Taken away from her children too.
“How tiny?” she asked.
“Virtually non-existent. And even if she did, we’d fight her and it could drag on for years. And even if a court eventually found in her favour, she wouldn’t get it all. Any court would give maximum consideration to the children he had willingly cared and provided for. It would not be difficult to show that even if he had left Lisa as the primary beneficiary of his will, he would have made provision for you and the children too.”
It sounded inconceivable that Lisa, from what little she knew of her and her actions so far, would change her mind and return. But it still worried her. She could not live with a cloud hanging over her, not even for a few years, even if it was so unlikely to materialise. She needed to know; she needed security.
“So, if it’s that unlikely, why mention it.”
“The house was the trigger. It’s reasonable to suppose Lisa might have some emotional attachment to the house, having grown up and lived there with her parents. If anything, it’s the one thing that might prey on her mind. If we sell the house too soon, before we are absolutely sure she’s not coming back, then it would make it all the more difficult to unravel the mess afterwards.”
“So what you’re saying is, I have to stay there a while, living in fear of Lisa coming back at any time and claiming her inheritance?”
“Not living in fear, Jess. Just being prudent.”
She thought about it. She didn’t care about the house or the money, or the will, or Lisa. She just cared about her children. She never expected anything from Peter, nor he from her. What would Peter have wanted? She cared about that. Peter’s estate was rightfully Lisa’s. There was no other way to look at it.
Michael was talking as a lawyer again.
“I thought of asking her to sign a waiver, relinquishing any right she may have had to challenge the will, but she’d have needed independent advice and that would have taken time. And even if she had agreed to it, any independent lawyer would have smelt blood and fought for her to get their hands on a slice. And she just wanted to get away. Get back home. Her home. As I said, everything points to the fact that nothing will ever happen. But I had a duty to brief you there was a risk, however small it might be.”
“I understand,” said Jess, quiet, still thinking. There was a moment when neither of them spoke. But her mind was racing.
“I’ll tell Edward to stand down on the house. At least for a month or two.” She heard him but it didn’t register. She had already decided.
“I’m going to see her.”
“Sorry?” Michael thought he’d misheard.
“I’m going to see her. Lisa. Alisha.”
“You can’t,” he said, shaking his head. She looked at him and he seemed flustered for the first time ever.
“Why not?”
“Well, you’ve no passport for a start.”
“I’ll get one.”
“And go to Nepal? By yourself?” She smiled. He was sounding like Peter.
“Yes.” She was calm and resolute.
“To do what?”
“To find out the truth for myself. To tell her about me and Peter. And to tell her it’s all here for her if she wants it.”
“Jess! You can’t do that,” he blustered.
“You’ve already said that.”
“But how are you going to find her?” protested Michael.
“Sujay. I’ll find Sujay and he can take me.”
“But what about the kids? Who’s going to look after them?” She had already thought of that. She knew what she had to do. She looked straight at him and she was sure she saw him swallow deeply.
“I’m going, Michael. I’m going to find Lisa.”