“Come on! You don’t want to be late on your first day,” said Jess, chivvying the girls along before strapping them into the Range Rover and setting off down the drive. She was filled with fear and trepidation, not ready to entrust her family to strangers, not ready to leave them alone in the care of others, not ready to let go. But she had met the headmistress and some of the teachers and had found no reason to be concerned. She was particularly fond of Ellie, who looked after pre-school, recognising someone born to teaching and a natural with young kids. Despite her irrational fears, she’d concluded they couldn’t be in safer hands.
But when they were met at the gate and she shook hands with the teachers and hugged the girls and watched them walk off hand in hand, her heart burst with love and pride and terror, all rolled into one.
She drove into Hareton to meet Michael, and Sandy showed her into his office.
“I know what it’s like, Jess. Trust me. But they have to grow up sometime and you just have to let go.”
“I know, Sandy. I just want to smother them with love. I can’t bear being apart from them. And the house is so empty without them.”
“It’s only a few hours a day. Enjoy the freedom.” Sandy closed the door behind her and Jess gave Michael a hug before sitting down.
“I hear you had an eventful trip,” said Michael, master of the understatement.
“Simon saved us. I still have nightmares thinking about it.”
“I’ve spoken to Sujay and sent your best wishes.”
“Thank you.”
“He’s not back on the trail yet but he will be in a couple of weeks or so.”
“Can we send him some money? I guess there are no benefits out there for people who can’t work and I worry about him. He’s got a family.”
“I already have. I knew you’d want to.”
“Oh, Michael,” she said, suddenly weary with it all. “I keep telling myself how lucky we are but at the same time, I’m permanently on edge, fearful of the future. I can’t seem to see where it is we’re headed.”
“Well, your priority is the kids, and mine, finding you a home you can call your own. How did you get on with Alisha?”
“She’s dying, Michael.” He looked shocked and upset as she told him. “I would do anything to help her, but she doesn’t want it. She doesn’t want anything she doesn’t have and she doesn’t have much. But then part of me thinks she has everything. How mad is that?”
“I’m afraid it’s beyond my understanding.”
“I think there must be a lesson there, achieving that level of contentment.”
Michael closed the folder in front of him.
“So, nothing changes.”
Jess nodded.
“As you said. But I was right to find her and see her. It was as if Peter were back with us. I could see it in her eyes. I hope he was watching us.”
“I think we should start the ball rolling. Get Chalton valued, do some research on nice country cottages. Look to the future. It’s going to be fine.”
***
The girls settled into school and Jess settled into life at Chalton, the house now eerily quiet during the day. But she quickly established a new routine that involved the endless cleaning the house demanded, shopping and gardening, and she was easily able to fill the time between dropping the kids off at 9 a.m. and picking them up at 3 p.m., when the domestic mayhem returned.
It had been six weeks since her return from Nepal and she never stopped thinking about Alisha; what she might be doing that day and how she might be feeling. Whether or not she was still alive. She had unearthed the picture of Janica and Lisa, taken when Lisa was a baby, from Peter’s desk, and set it up in the drawing room. And the photo of grown-up Lisa with her mother, which she had left by Peter’s bed, served as a further reminder whenever she went in to dust.
She climbed into the attic and found several boxes of personal possessions: Peter’s medals and army memorabilia, soft toys, books and bundles of letters he had written to Janica when he’d been away. She read one or two but was so quickly overcome with emotion she had to stop. But she also found more photographs: a young Peter in uniform, Peter and Janica’s wedding day, Lisa’s christening. She carried all the photos downstairs into the kitchen, sorted them out and took several of the larger ones into Hareton to be framed. Before long, there were framed photos everywhere around the house. She felt closer to them as a family than she had ever felt with anyone before.
***
It was Sunday afternoon when the doorbell chimed in the hallway. As usual, Sophie and Lucy were the first ones there, sprinting excitedly down the hallway, standing on tiptoes, struggling to turn the awkward and unwieldy doorknob and swing open the heavy wooden door. When Jess arrived a moment later, the girls were standing side by side, chatting with a large figure on his haunches. She knew who it was instantly and a warm feeling washed over her.
“How was Malta?”
Simon Rutherford looked up and then stood, rucksack over his shoulder, smiling broadly.
“Excellent. Warm and sunny and very relaxing. I don’t think I’ve been introduced to these charming young ladies?”
The twins giggled and squealed in their inimitable fashion.
“This is Lucy with the blue ribbon and Sophie with the red ribbon. That’s so you can you tell them apart. Girls? Say hello to Simon.”
“Hello, Simon,” they said as one, suddenly shy. Jess walked up and wrapped her arms around his neck and he kissed her on both cheeks.
“Simon!” Jess turned to see Leila running down the hallway towards them.
“Hello, princess!” Leila flew at him and he picked her up. She wrapped her legs around his waist and buried her face in his neck. “Goodness me, you’re a bit heavier than last time.” He swung her from side to side and then put her down and she grabbed his hand, dragging him down the hallway.
“Come on, Simon. I shall make you some tea.”
They all had tea and cake and then went for a walk around the grounds and down to the river in the late afternoon sun, the girls laughing and shouting and leaping around chasing each other while the adults strolled and chatted about Nepal and Malta and boats and retired army officers.
“So you think you’ll leave here?” he asked as they sat on the grass by the riverbank.
“It’ll break my heart, but this’ll never be my real home. It will always belong to Peter and Janica and Lisa, and anyway, it’s far too big for us. It needs a real family to bring it to life.”
“You are a real family!”
“Oh. You know what I mean.”
“Yes. I know what you mean.” She thought she sensed some regret in his voice.
“So when are you going to stop gallivanting around the world and do something sensible? Get a proper job? You’re no spring chicken, you know!” she said, knowing he wouldn’t be offended by the jibe. He wasn’t.
“Thanks a bunch! I don’t know. There isn’t anywhere I can call home. And I’d really struggle to stay still for more than a few days.”
“Sounds like you’re constantly on the run.” She knew she was probing, trying to get under the skin of the man, and she heard Peter’s voice in her head. MYOBS! But she told herself she was genuinely concerned for him, so that made it all right to ask. But there was more to it than that. She had a friend for life and she hoped he felt the same way.
“Yes, I suppose I am. Something will turn up.” She let it go. He clearly wasn’t in the mood to elaborate.
“You’ll stay for dinner?” It was less of a question than an instruction.
“If I’m invited.”