Chapter 9
Edward sat with Ajna for hours wondering what direction her condition would take. He had once heard that a person could pick up an infection while in the hospital and sometimes they died from it. Then, something inside him triggered an almost unrelated thought – work. He needed to call the bank to let his boss know what was going on. He stepped out of the room and went to the nurse’s desk.
“Um, yeah, is there someplace where I can make a phone call?” he asked, smiling nervously. “I need to call my job and let them know what’s going on.”The nurse pointed down the hallway, telling him that he could go back near the waiting room and that there was a phone on the desk he could use.
“Just remember to dial nine first,” she said. Edward walked back down to the desk just across from the waiting room. He picked up the phone, dialed nine and the number for the bank. The secretary’s familiar voice answered on the other end and Edward briefly informed her of Ajna’s condition.
“Oh, my God!” she said. Her voice began trembling as she started writing down the information on a notepad.
“I need to take some time off,” he said. “I need to be here and under the circumstances I’m probably not going to be of much use at the bank.”
“Don’t worry about a thing,” the secretary said. “I’ll e-mail you a link to the ‘family emergency leave’ page. You can do everything online. I’ll pass the word along. You just take care of Ajna.”
A few minutes after hanging up he received an e-mail on his cell phone. Edward filled out the form and called back to confirm that the information had been received. The secretary was already working on the application and again told him not to worry about it. He hung up knowing his job was safe and hurriedly went back to Ajna’s room. Stepping through the doorway once more he noticed that everything was exactly as when he left. He wasn’t sure what he was expecting – maybe some small change that might indicate that Ajna was already getting better. But, Edward also realized that we tend to see what we want to see and Ajna looked no different than when he left the room ten minutes ago.
He continued to sit by Ajna’s bedside wondering just how bad things might get. This was only the beginning of a long and difficult road and Edward became more aware of this with every passing moment. Bonnie walked in and hung two more units of blood, replacing what Ajna had lost during surgery.
“How much more blood are you going to give her?” Edward asked.
The nurse told him that after Ajna received these two units they would order lab work to see if she needed more. Four hours later, the lab work came back and everything was normal and hopefully, it would stay that way. Soon after, Bonnie walked in and asked Edward if he needed anything.
“Uh, no…,” he answered. “But, thank you.”
“Mr. Drake,” she replied. “The hospital cafeteria isn’t far from here and it’s o.k. to take a break once in a while.”
“Yeah, you’re right,” he said. “I probably should.” He stood up and walked to the doorway and in a moment of hesitation turned and looked at Ajna. He was once more struck by a gnawing feeling that he was somehow abandoning her and felt an almost silent yet ridiculing voice inside that seemed to say ‘how could you leave her!?’. But, the voice of reason prevailed almost immediately when Bonnie reassured him that she would take care of her while he was gone.
He walked out of the unit and followed the signs that pointed the way to the cafeteria. It was about three thirty in the afternoon and in spite of the crowded hallways, Edward felt very much alone. He shortly found himself in line at the cafeteria register. He didn’t feel very hungry, but he knew that he should have something in his stomach and bought a chicken sandwich and a carton of milk. He decided not to eat in the cafeteria. There were too many people and the last thing Edward wanted was to be around a lot of people. He walked back to the SCU waiting room feeling like nothing more than an empty shell and as people moved toward and around him he began to feel a bit detached from everything – the hallways, the people. Even the sound of his own footsteps on the cold, hard linoleum floor seemed distant. At this point, there was only one thing that was real – one thing that truly mattered. He desperately wanted to hear Ajna’s voice. Even the briefest eye contact would show him the light at the end of the tunnel, regardless of how far off it might be.
Oddly enough, the waiting room was empty and Edward sat in a chair against the wall. He was thankful to have a quiet place to sit where he wouldn’t be bothered. The mere presence of people seemed to irritate him as he felt himself emotionally shutting down. There was only so much pain and tragedy a person could handle, especially when it was simply thrown in your lap without so much as a warning. As he ate, Edward tried to mentally prepare to regroup and focus on what needed to be done. She would probably need to go to a rehab center and New England Rehab had long been abandoned after gang warfare had overrun the area. The hospital would likely make a few recommendations, preferably somewhere outside of Portland that would be quiet and safe.
He finished the sandwich and milk, throwing their containers in the garbage bin on his way out of the waiting room. The automatic doors let Edward back into the intensive care unit, but something was very different. There was a crowd of doctors and nurses gathered at room 1043, two doors before Ajna’s room. He walked closer, taking slow cautious steps until the cause of all the activity was well within view. An eighty-five year old man lay on the bed. His body reduced to nothing more than an articulated skeleton draped with blotchy, discolored skin. The middle of his chest was by a large square patch trailed by wires that led to a machine. At the foot of the bed was a red cart with its drawers opened. A nurse was standing in front of it preparing drugs that would be injected into the dying man’s body. The lead doctor called out for various drugs while another had placed his knees up on the side of the bed performing chest compressions on the elderly man's frail frame. Edward stood there among the well-controlled chaos with all his senses open. He’d never seen anything like this. He’d never seen anyone die. There was a pause in the activity while they checked the monitor for any sign that the man’s life could be saved. They must have seen something because Edward heard someone in the room say ‘clear’. What happened next startled Edward to the edge of his sanity as the doctors delivered a small charge of electricity to the man’s heart, causing his entire body to twitch just enough to be obvious to everyone watching. The doctors looked back up at the monitor and by this time the man’s face had turned a slightly grayish yellow. Edward had never seen that color before and quickly concluded that considering the situation, h never wanted to see it again.
“Anyone have any ideas?” the doctor asked.
This question was met with a brief moment of silence.
“Alright,” the same doctor continued. “Who wants to call it?”
The time was recorded in the man’s chart.
“Alright, thanks for coming everyone,” he said.
The nurses and doctors began to file out of the room while a couple of the nurses wheeled the carts out and turned off the monitor and the ventilating machine. Edward turned around and slowly walked back out to the hallway and leaned back against the wall. His emotions were both confused and traumatized. He had never seen anyone die and having just witnessed it shook his existence to its very core. Edward didn’t see Ajna’s nurse, even though she was standing only two or three people away and watching him with great concern. She followed him out into the hallway and as she placed a hand on his shoulder asked if he was o.k.
“Edward, I’m not supposed to tell you this,” she whispered. “But, that man was eighty five. We’re not going to let that happen to Ajna.”
Bonnie knew immediately that seeing a patient die didn’t do much for the fear that was already eating away at him.
“I know,” replied Edward. “But, why did they do that to him?”
“I don’t understand,” Bonnie said.
Doctors and nurses spend their entire careers helping people and promoting life, but apparently they seemed to have missed the memo when it came to promoting living.
“The guy was eighty five years old!” Edward began. “How old do you have to be before they just let you go?”
“Edward,” Bonnie started. “You have to understand. The decision to do these things lies with the family. If the family doesn’t make that decision, then legally, we have to do something. But, with patients like this gentleman there is a time limit – ten or fifteen minutes, tops.”
Edward thought for a few moments.
“Why can’t people just learn to let go?” he asked. “Why do they have to hang on?”
“I don’t really know,” Bonnie said.
But Bonnie knew exactly what Edward was talking about. She’d seen it happen many, many times and more than once wondered ‘what are we doing to these people?’ ‘How many lives have we destroyed for the idea of doing no harm?’
“Come on,” Bonnie said. “I’ll walk you back to Ajna’s room”.
She took Edward by the arm and began leading him back. By this time, the curtain of room 1043 had been pulled across the doorway as a nurse quietly prepared the man’s body for transportation to the morgue.
“Isn’t there anyone coming to say goodbye?” Edward asked, as he glanced toward the closed curtain.
Bonnie hesitated as they neared Ajna’s room.
“He doesn’t have any family,” she answered. “At least not locally.”
Edward realized that the dead man no longer cared about any surviving family, but he thought about how terrible it must be to die alone. He sat down again next to Ajna’s bedside and slid the chair up near her shoulder. He gently stroked her hair and promised her that she would not end up ‘like that’. He stayed with her for four more hours until the whispering call of sleep crept into his weary mind and Edward began to doze off. He was startled awake by the sound of Bonnie’s voice, who told him that he should go home and get some sleep. But, he couldn’t go home – go home to what?
“I can’t just leave,” he said. “O.k.,” Bonnie started. “I think we can probably get a cot for you. It would have to go in the waiting room – these rooms are just too small.” The waiting room was almost empty, but Edward knew that could change in a very short period of time. And after some brief discussion, Bonnie decided to reserve a family room for him and brought him a couple of pillows and a blanket. It was there on the couch where Edward would spend the night.