THE FALL OF BRYCE PHILLIPS
Bryce was on holiday the week I decided to fuck his life up. I decided that both him and Alice had to pay for their sins. He was a pompous left wing arsehole and I was sick of his stories about his dad being a working class hero. It was such hypocrisy. Bryce hated working class people. He reminded me of a repressed homosexual. Claiming to hate one thing, but underneath, really personifying it.
I got Alice’s home phone number from our work directory. I headed to a phone box and pumped in two pound coins. I waited for someone to answer.
'Hello?' came Miles' voice.
'Could I speak with Alice please?' I said in a posh English accent. There was a pause and then Alice came to the phone.
'Hello. Who is this?'
'Alice,' I said in a crisp, clipped English accent. 'I want something.'
'Who is this?' she said sternly.
'Your lover....' I said trailing off.
'What?!' She said in her condescending tone. I decided to turn things up a gear.
'I want to make love to you. But not in the usual way,' I said, making my voice as plummy as possible.
'Excuse me?'
'I want to cut your cunt wide open. I would like to penetrate you... and then... cut your cunt open. Split it from the pussy, down to the arsehole.'
'Hateful beast,' she whispered.
'I have seen you, in your flowery dress, in those shoes, the kind that old people or spastics wear. I have wished to lick your hairy lip for so long.'
'Hateful beast,' she whispered again. I could tell she was shaking.
'What’s wrong?! Cat got your tongue? I want to lick your pussy... and then cut it open. I want to chain you to a fucking radiator and cut your pristine vagina into your arsehole. Am I making myself clear?!'
I said like a posh school teacher. ‘Do you UNDER-STAND?’
The phone went dead. I cackled like a mad man in that phone box. It felt good ripping the bitch down a peg or two.
I headed to Soho. Alan had been made redundant from his I.T job and was making ends meet by working in a seedy porn shop. In the pub we all laughed as Alan explained his dull working assistance. He told us how some of the customers made his skin crawl. One thing that did make us all laugh was his story about the 'back room'.
The back room, according to Alan, was an archive of sex toys and pornography. He described magazines and films from the nineteen eighties and nineteen nineties stacked to the ceiling, collecting dust. They covered every grotty area of our sexuality. He told us about sex toys that were tacky, nasty and damn well frightening.
As I walked into the shop I saw Alan slumped on a chair against the till. His face was a picture when he saw me.
'Jason?! What the....'
'Alan mate. How goes it? I need your assistance.'
I explained that I needed the nastiest stock he had from the back room. I told him I was going to be playing a prank on a work mate. He got his colleague to cover his post while we entered the 'back room'. It was as ugly as he had described. I opened my rucksack and started filling it. I got some pretty nasty gay porn, some bondage stuff and I picked up a fourteen inch black dildo. My bag was full to bursting. Me and Alan were in hysterics.
'Jason mate, your one sick fucker. I hope this guy sees the funny side.'
I assured Alan, he would.
We hit the John Snow for a pint. Alan kept looking at the rucksack and shaking his head, sniggering. I was tingling inside, I felt like a child two days before Christmas. I smiled to myself the whole bus ride home. I didn't take my eyes of the bag for one second.
When Bryce returned from his holiday, I saw him and Alice in his office. I hadn't made another phone call. But it wasn't going to be the last. I was sure of that.
Bryce was his rude, condescending self as usual. As he peered over his glasses looking at me like a naughty school boy, he asked:
'I hope you were productive and courteous on my week off Jason.'
'Yes.' I replied. 'We had a record number of complaints.' I said trying to make a light joke. By not even smiling Bryce was humiliating me again, making me look like a stupid git.
'I don't find our customer service levels a joke Jason, do you?' he said snootily. Something was happening. I was learning to stand up for myself.
'Bryce. Nobody, more than me appreciates good customer service in the work environment. I was making a joke, but it’s evident from your response that you are hell-bent on making me understand my position in the hierarchy of this branch,' I said calmly.
Bryce was visibly annoyed. The others in the office sat with their mouths open. I walked to the shop floor and threw myself into selling and helping customers for the rest of the day. Bryce, as usual, never appeared on the selling floor for the rest of the day. Alice came down and walked up to me.
'That was very unprofessional Jason.'
'Excuse me Alice?' I replied.
'Bryce is the boss and should always be treated with respect,' she barked.
'Alice, do you think I get treated with respect?' I pointed to my chest.
'That’s beside the point.' she said, cutting her eyes away from me. I could feel my anger rising, but stayed calm. Revenge is a dish best served cold.
'That’s beside the point, is it? Is that your official response? Well, I hope it is Alice. As you are the branch council representative for Diamonds Bathroom Supplies, I would like to let you know that I am writing a letter of complaint to the head of Diamonds personally. I will be giving your name along with Bryce Phillips.'
Her face was a picture. I grabbed my blazer and put it on.
'Now if you'll excuse me. My shift has finished and I need to be heading home for a family engagement. Good day Alice.'
I spun around and headed out of the building.
I was raging and ready to continue my vengeance. I stopped by a post office to grab a big envelope and stamps. I grabbed myself a four pack of Heineken for some inspiration. I rummaged through the rucksack and pulled out a couple of filthy magazines. One was called 'Swinging Society' and it had lots of photos of old