Understanding Aggression
You may have heard your parents, teachers or counselors use the word "aggressive." I have used it in this book. Do you know exactly what it means? Actually, it has two meanings: 1. Aggressive: "energetic or full of energy"
Example: "Mark is an aggressive promoter of healthy lunches for kids."
(This kind of aggressive behavior is generally not harmful.)
2. Aggressive: "harmful action against another, usually a verbal or physical attack"
Example: "Beth can get pretty aggressive if you don't give her what she wants."
Sometimes it's fun to fool around -
perhaps wrestling,
pretending to box, or doing Karate kicks. But there are times when fun turns to anger and people get hurt. Some adults think that fighting is natural. They say, "Boys will be boys."
Or, "Some aggression is perfectly natural." Both boys and girls fight. But is it natural to fight?
106
The following are activities designed to help you learn about aggression so that no one gets hurt. You can do them with your friends, or at school with the assistance of your teachers. These activities are not only fun, they also help you to learn about yourself.
Activity #1: Shoving
Select a partner. Face.one another, about two feet apart.
Raise your hands to shoulder level. Reach out and place your palms on your partner's palms. Keeping your hands at shoulder level, push against the other's hands. Push as hard as you can. See if you can push your partner back. (Take care not to slap each other's hands or hurt one another in any way.
Pushing becomes more of a game or a challenge than a fight.) Activity #2: Inner Scream
Find a comfortable place to sit. Close your eyes and imagine that you are going to some quiet, faraway place by yourself. Think of someone that bothers you (perhaps someone who bullies you). Imagine that there is no one for miles around. Continue to think of the person that irritates you.
Let him/her bother you even more. More! More!
Now, silently scream. Open your mouth and scream silently, as loud as you can! Be aware that you are alone; no one can hear you.
Now think of the person who bothers you again. See yourself doing something that would stop him/her from bothering you. Be aware of how you can, in your mind, stop that person from bullying you. Open your eyes and discuss what you felt.
107
Activity #3: Getting It Off Your Chest Sit in a circle. Each person gets to tell another something that is bothering him/her. For example, "Mike, you really bother me when you make fun of my wearing glasses. I feel like punching you when you do that." Or, "Janice, I feel angry when you try to be the teacher's pet and tell on others. I feel like getting you into trouble so you will get suspended from school."
The rule is to let the person "get it off his or her chest."
Don't defend yourself. When someone addresses you directly, just listen to what he or she has to say about you. You too will have your turn to say what bugs you.
Now, each person should think about what others have said to them. It is important to consider whether it is true or not. Some things you can change, others you may not feel you need to change. What are you willing to change? Share that with the person who addressed you. For example, "John, I was just kidding about your glasses. I didn't know that my joking bothered you so much. Sorry, I won't do it again."
This activity allows you and your friends or classmates to get the things that bug you off your chests without harming anyone.
Activity #4: The Laughing Bully
Can humor be aggressive? Can a person bully another by saying something funny about that person?
Have you ever used humor to hurt someone? Have you felt hurt when someone made fun of you? Can people be cruel when being funny? When you make a joke about someone, 108
what are you doing? Can people hide their anger in humor?
How else might you express your anger rather than through joking?
Be aware of when you use humor throughout the day (or week) to express feelings you have about another. Watch for times when you use it to hide anger. Also, be aware of how others use it to hide their anger.
Discuss these questions with your friends or classmates.
What did you find out about humor?
Activity #5: Ruler for a Day
Each person takes a turn at being "The Ruler." The Ruler gets the others to "serve" him or her. The "servants" have to do what The Ruler asks them to do. Some examples of being served might be: to have the group carry you around, or bow down to you, or do errands for you, or get you food and drinks.
Your wish is their command.
Remember that it is a game! Nothing can be done that will hurt another person. Each person gets a turn. After, sit down and talk about how you felt - being The Ruler, and being the servant. This game or activity allows you the opportunity to get what you want without force or bullying, and it's fun.
A New Role to Play
"I can't back down."
Have you ever had that feeling?
"I've got to save face."
Has that thought run through your mind?
109
If you are a bully or if you are a victim, you may feel you have a reputation to uphold and, in the eyes of the world (friends, teachers, parents), you can't back down. As a bully, you fear being seen as a chicken, or coward. As a victim, you fear the same thing.
What if I told you that there is a way you can back down and feel good about it? Well, it's true. There is. If your image of yourself is that of a Rambo, a tough guy who nobody would dare mess around with, then you cannot back down. If your image of yourself is Poor Me, and you feel you have to save face or the other kids will think you're a coward, then you cannot back down.
If, however, your image of yourself is that of a peacemaker, then your action to "back down" is right in line with this self-image! A peacemaker does not fight. A peacemaker makes peace.
Seeing Yourself as Peacemaker
A famous Karate teacher once said:
To subdue the enemy without fighting is the highest skill."
- Gichin Funakoshi
Is it in your self-image to be a peacemaker? Do you think you could get recognition and praise for being a peacemaker?
A peacemaker is not a wimp; when you decide to be a peacemaker, you show yourself and others that you have the power and self-control to solve conflict nonviolently - without fighting. This takes far greater strength than fighting. To me, 110
this is the highest art.
What characteristics and skills does a person need to have to be a peacemaker? To be a peacemaker, you must: 1. Understand what creates conflict.
2. Develop skills to resolve conflict nonviolently.
3. Visualize yourself being a peacemaker.
I have talked about what causes conflict (what creates a bully and what creates a victim), and I have offered roleplaying skills so you can begin practicing resolving conflict peacefully.
Now, all you have to do is take the third step -
see
yourself as a peacemaker! This is called visualization, which means to create a picture in your brain of what you want to happen or who you want to be.
Let's try it. Find a quiet, undisturbed place where you can sit comfortably. Lying down can make you sleepy, so sit in a comfortable but firm chair. Close your eyes. (You can do this alone, with me guiding you, or a trusted friend can assist you.) Peacemaker Primeval
1. See yourself in a deep jungle. The time is two million B.C. You are in very primitive times. Suddenly, two animal-like monster cave men come crashing out of the jungle and confront each other. They grunt, beat their chests and make threatening looks and gestures.
2. You notice the monster cave men are small.
Either
they are small or you are quite big. They look like little 111
kids and you look like a large grownup. You see that they cannot hurt you.
3. You speak to the cave men. "Listen," you say. "Are there ways you can solve your conflict without fighting?"
You sit down between them and start talking to them as if they are children you have great affection for.
4. ''You are the first humans," you tell them. "So why are you acting like wild beasts? You are greater than wild beasts: You can think and reason. Let's put our heads together and think up some intelligent, peaceful ways to solve your problem. If you learn how to stop fighting now, maybe this will have an effect on the whole history of mankind."
This is just one fun, imaginary example of seeing yourself as a peacemaker. You and your friends, parents and teachers can make up your own scenes. It really doesn't matter what they are as long as you actually see yourself becoming a peacemaker. Other possible scenes could include: 1. A football game in front of an applauding audience.
2. A boxing match in front of a rowdy audience.
3. An ancient Greek coliseum where gladiators are about to fight each other.
112
Peacemaker as Star
See yourself on a school playground. Two make-believe kids are about to fight, and you are a famous athletic, movie or rock star whom these kids really admire. Get a good, clear image of yourself as this favorite positive hero. (Who did you choose to be?)
As they are about to start fighting, they see you coming.
Their mouths drop open. Their fists drop as they look in awe at you approaching. The group of kids around these two also see you coming.
"Wow! Look who's here! I can't believe my eyes. It's (fill in the name of yourself as a peaceful hero)."
When you are amongst them, you say, "Look. There must be a way to get along. Why not try to work your problem out peacefully. Instead of wanting to hurt each other, use that energy to think of ways you can cooperate. Come on, let's work together!"
Everyone cheers as you pat the two kids on the back.
Then everyone, including the two would-be fighters, ask for your autograph.
This is a simple, pretend situation. It gives you a chance to see yourself as peacemaker in your fantasy.
Now, here's one a little closer to home...
Playground Peacemaker
See yourself on your playground. Remember an incident, or make one up, between two real people that almost led to a fight. See yourself as a real peacemaker, helping to work things out nonviolently. See your teachers, parents, even the two fighters, thanking you for what you did.
113
Do this slowly, watching and doing as much as you can in detail. Take your time. You may want to practice this over and over. Then you may want to set up some pretend situations with a friend or two in which you play the peacemaker role. After you see yourself as peacemaker, practice helping the would-be fighters (in your skit) to learn nonviolent alternatives to conflict.
Hopefully this will be just one more way in which you can creatively and peacefully deal with bullying. I'm sure that you can do it. If you really want to, you can succeed.
Ways to Relieve the Effects
of Bullying on the Body
It takes a lot of energy to control other people. As you grow up, this need to control can cause great damage to your well-being. You are affected physically and mentally by the stress of dominating others.
When you are young, your mind/body has the flexibility of youth. You are generally healthy and can recover from illness more quickly than can an older person. So perhaps you don't yet see the effects of constant stress on you. But certain physical disturbances begin to appear, such as: 1. Extra weight.
2. Nervousness.
3. Illness.
4. Exhaustion.
5. Anxiety.
114
Stress will eventually wear down your body and mind, and serious illness can occur. The mental and physical effects of being aggressive, pushy and controlling can hurt or even kill you. Remember there can be very serious consequences to bullying. But you can do something to help yourself or someone you know. Please get help! We all need it sometimes.
To Relieve the Stress
There are many ways, some presented in this book, that can reduce and even end bullying -
if a person wants to.
There are also some activities you can do to help relieve the stress of bullying or being bullied. You can: 1. Take a long walk or run.
2. Play with a pet.
3. Swim.
4. Dance.
5. Practice the Martial Arts (with the proper teacher).
6. Do gymnastics.
7. Lift weights.
8. Sing or play a musical instrument.
9. Write down your feelings.
10. Talk to a friend.
Can you think of other things to do to relieve stress?
115
Manners
"Manners" is an old-fashioned word that means acting politely. In the school where I teach, manners are a very important part of what we do. When you learn the form of Karate that I teach, manners show you how to act in accepted ways. Rather than thinking of manners as something we do for a reward, or to avoid being punished, we look upon them as a pleasant way to get what we need. Without manners there would be disorder.
Thinking of manners as skills to learn can be fun -
a lot
more fun than thinking of them as something you "have to" do.
They help you to get along with others and to get what you want without offending anyone. Here are some examples: Unhelpful Ways:
Helpful Ways:
"Gimme that!"
"May I please have that?"
"Shut up!"
"Would you please keep your
voice down?"
"You're wrong!"
"I don't see it that way."
On a piece of paper, list some other unhelpful and helpful ways you can express yourself. You can even make a game out of it. One person can say something in an unhelpful way, and another person can respond saying the same thing using manners.
Manners are simple and so effective. They are taught to you because someone cares enough to want you to speak an.d 116
act in ways that will help you get along in this world. Try the helpful ways and see if you do, in fact, get along better in your relationships. You might be surprised.
In Karate, we bow out of respect for the teacher and for each other (student to student). Bowing is a form of manners in the Martial Arts.
One day I asked my young students to try something at home that night. I asked them to bow every time their parents asked them to do something, and then to do what they asked.
At the next class, the students shared what happened.
One student said, "My mother asked me to clear the table of dishes after dinner, so I bowed and said yes, and did it without any complaint. My mother almost fell over, she was so surprised!"
