When did I realize I was homosexual? It’s a question I’ve asked thousands of gay men, and most of them say they realized it very early on. How early? Apparently, at some point during their school years, between six and eight years old. Of course, there are thousands of exceptions. My cousin didn’t realize it until he was thirty, and I know others who did at seventy.
In my case, when I had relations with the gardener at six years old, it became evident to me that there was the possibility of sex between men. I remember one time when he touched my genitals under the maid’s bed, and another time when he masturbated in front of me in a coffee plantation. I didn’t interpret these advances as abuse or trauma. I am aware that I enjoyed the intimacy with a man. Possibly because my father was the most distant, indifferent, and cruel person one could have. When Ramón, the gardener, realized that I had horrible nightmares where the devil came to take me, he possibly suspected that I would betray him and that the cause was the illicit nature of our relations. One night, I had a hallucination where the devil came in the form of a huge fox to kill me, and I screamed desperately. It never crossed anyone’s mind to ask me what was happening and why I couldn’t sleep. It’s likely that I felt guilty because I suspected that if we had contact in secret and under the 15
bed, it was because we were doing something wrong.
Later, my brother took me to the shower and started kissing and touching me. Again, I didn’t feel repulsion but pleasure. In both cases, both the gardener and my brother stopped doing it, and the former quit his job and the latter distanced himself from me. What I felt was abandonment and sadness. I agree with Zizek, the Marxist philosopher, that many people who had early relationships, influenced by psychiatry, project their emotional problems onto this. While I do not support older people initiating minors sexually, I also don’t believe it is always the disaster that psychiatrists make us believe. Moreover, in the 1960s, French intellectuals signed a letter calling for the decriminalization of relationships with minors because they believed that adults could be more careful than initiations between adolescents. In early 20th century Costa Rica, it was the sex workers who initiated young people, and parents took their children to brothels. In studies I conducted as an adult among thousands of Costa Rican adolescents, I found that the majority admitted to being initiated by others of the same age and that the experience was generally terrible. Given these facts I sometimes joke with the idea that to avoid trauma we all should start having sex at 60!
I entered school at six years old. I know that soon I would be attracted to the classmates I considered cute.
One of them was a blond with green eyes who lit up the classroom. That’s when my attraction to blond 16
and white males began. But I’m not sure if this attraction happened at six or seven years old. What I have no doubt about is that by eight years old, homosexuality was latent. In 1961, West Side Story was released in Costa Rica, and there were no more doubts: I went crazy not for Tony or Bernardo but for Riff. Riff is the leader of the Jets, a gang in the musical. He is best friends with Tony, the protagonist, and plays a significant role in the conflict between the Jets and the Sharks, another gang. Riff is charismatic, bold, and plays a key part in the unfolding drama of the story. Why him of all the gang members? Riff was a taker, someone who does not ask from what it wants, something very similar to my sexual experiences. The Jet dance in “West Side Story” is a lively and energe-tic performance that showcases the camaraderie and unity within the gang. Some interpretations suggest elements of homoeroticism in the dance, emphasizing close physical contact and intense relationships between male characters. The tight pants worn by characters can be seen as a stylistic choice reflecting the fashion of the time the musical is set (1950s) and the rebellious nature of the youth culture depicted. The costumes, contribute to the overall visual and thematic elements of the production, emphasizing the characters’ youthful energy and urban street style. I was mesmerized by the dance, and I could not take my eyes from those pants and bulges, and I became pain-fully aware why I was not turned on by girls.