Ben waved a final farewell to Ali as he began descending the steps, then went inside to check the washing’s progress. But once back in Marcie’s kitchen, he suddenly felt what he supposed was a wave of melancholy. He paused, hands resting on edge of the sink, staring into the lacklustre yard beyond. Beneath the white sheet hanging limply from the clothesline, he saw the faded plastic of a toddler’s sit-on car that lay neglected on its side. Perhaps it had been Cal’s, but now it was maybe already too small for Zain, yet with a little more care it may still suit Fiona soon. Was this his life now, thinking of the housework and the neighbour’s children’s needs, getting a thrill from a sneaky glance at a nursing mother’s breast, all within the tiny confines of a Tyneside flat’s backyard? It felt as if he’d suddenly and incomprehensibly managed to stumble into a complete stranger’s unenviable life.
He turned the kitchen tap on, splashed his face, and firmly decided that would not be his path. For sure, he would help out around the flat as much as he possibly could, doing the routine tasks that were the fundamentals of life promptly and thoroughly, but guided by his love of Marcie and his respect for their shared home. Just because it seemed unlikely that he would be swinging a chainsaw around for a while, that did not mean his life had shrunk. On the contrary, the future was wide open to him, just as Ali had said. But Marcie had spoken of it too. The rising wind from the huge sky was stirring through him now. He imagined it surrounding him with the sound of rustling leaves which trembled in sympathy for his anticipation. Or perhaps it was like the change in the weather out at sea that suddenly brought the sails snapping around, lifting the eager keel beneath him when he was far from land, in mutual trust with his companions in the crew.
And so in his mind this all came back to Marcie. He imagined her as an angel that had swept down to take him in her arms, the strength of her powerful wings lifting them both aloft easily. But he immediately challenged that thought, because she was a real woman, just another human being who was muddling along through her own struggles. He knew she would not thank him for putting her on a pedestal like her family’s Catholic saints. If there was an angelic force at work, it was their shared love. So he was borne aloft in her arms, but it was by a fresh magic that they made together, a fire that they had kindled, he now thought as his mind slipped to another metaphor. He knew, standing at the dull sink, that he wanted to do everything in his power to carefully tend that fire, so that it did not go out, but so that it didn’t run dangerously out of control either. Last night it felt as if they’d talked about some mad stuff that he’d never shared with anyone, and that had made it feel like anything was possible. But he realised now that it was important to keep things safe too, to do all the normal things that a couple did, to show Marcie how special she was, and to keep talking openly and honestly.
He wondered if he’d be able to explain this to her, but at a more practical level he realised that he’d better get on with messaging his friends and booking the table for their night out too.
With a few minutes still left on the washing machine, Ben found a copy of the Thompson directory on Marcie’s shelves, then found the number for the pizza restaurant that he knew. Using his own mobile, it was no trouble booking a table for two. Then he began working through his mental list of friends, thinking of couples who might like to join them for a drink. He composed text messages to send, then thought of passing on his news to a few other friends too. Before he’d finished, his phone rang in his hand as the second person he’d thought of called him back.
He had a quick chat with Geoff, who seemed genuinely concerned to hear he’d been so unwell, but was also very glad to hear he was keeping safe with a new girlfriend. They agreed to meet as a foursome, with Geoff’s lively girlfriend Sofie, at a bar that they figured wouldn’t be too busy on a Thursday. They guessed they’d be fine there whether or not others could join them, and Geoff agreed that it didn’t need to be an epic session.
Ben had turned the washing machine off while he was talking to stop it from beeping, but he’d just started unloading it when his mobile rang again. He was worried it might be Geoff calling back to say that he and Sofie couldn’t make it after all, but he was delighted when he heard Marcie’s voice.
She briefly checked that he was okay, then told him that she’d just spoken to Student Support. He suddenly felt anxious for her and guilty that he’d not thought to contact her earlier, as she was obviously agitated or a bit distressed. He tried to give a heartfelt apology, then asked her how it had gone.
“Oh don’t be silly,” she said, dismissing his apology, “They were fine actually, very helpful. I don’t know why I’m upset. The woman I spoke to seemed a bit snooty at first, but as I explained the full details I think she was quite shocked, then she became very sympathetic and supportive. I’ve got an appointment to see a senior supervisor or someone next week, but she told me not to worry about a thing. She was crystal clear that the support team would do everything they could to help me find a new tutor, someone who was right for me, perhaps even just leaning on my secondary supervisor at the library to give me more support. She also stressed that I could take as much time as I needed, to review what I wanted and perhaps even shift subjects. But she reassured me that in her experience, there was no reason at all why switching tutors would delay my PhD timeline.”
“So Richard lied yesterday, about this setting you back?” Ben asked, getting up to speed with what Marcie was telling him.
“No! Would you believe it?” she exclaimed in mock surprise, “He was just spinning a yarn to put me off my plan to cut him out! Anyway, it all goes to show, he is so much history now. I did wonder though, reading between the lines so to speak, whether the woman I spoke to might also be kicking off an investigation into Professor York’s professional conduct. I guess I’m hardly the first student to have let their supervisor get a bit too close, and my call might have triggered some heavy-weight university processes. He may be about to find out that it’s not quite so easy for him to just walk away from his little dalliance.”
“Will you be okay with that, if there’s like, I don’t know, a tribunal or something?”
“Sure, I’ll stand up and say exactly what went on, in front of the university VC if it helps. But who knows what’s further down the line? At least I’ve got my appointment next week, and some time to think about my topics too. Then we’ll take it from there.”
“Yes,” Ben agreed sincerely, “We will, together. I want to support you through this, Marcie.”
“Oh Ben, you are!” she replied earnestly, “But I’m sorry, I need to get back to my desk now. I’ll see you at half one, okay? A bit before if I can slip away. Take care. Enjoy your lunch.”
Ben just had time to thank her for calling, then she was gone. He realised he’d not told her anything about the plans he’d made for the evening, nor what he’d been up to with Ali and Shona. As he started hanging out the second load of washing on the line, he decided he’d tell her everything face to face though, instead of trying to call back or texting when she clearly had enough on with her shift’s busy demands.
Once he was back inside, Ben checked his phone and saw some kind replies to his messages, but it seemed no one else would be joining them this evening. He also saw it was still too early for lunch, so he decided it was fine to lounge on the sofa with Marcie’s precious children’s book again.
As he read about Lucy going home with the faun, he immediately thought of the paedophilia stranger danger, but he realised he was perhaps being too suspicious in a jaded, modern way as he read on about the faun’s cosy tea. But then the mention of the dryads and so on that Marcie had spoken of in the Dene made him wonder again if the author was giving his child readers glimpses into a dangerous world of pagan sexuality. And then he read on with gripped fascination that the faun was indeed a kind of predator, seeing the chilling realisation dawn on Lucy’s that she was his prey, even whilst she tried calmly pleading to his better nature.
Ben recognised that his strong response to the slightly stuffy old story was so visceral because it had stirred a powerful sympathy for Marcie’s exploitation by Richard too. He wondered to himself if he was trivialising Marcie’s real experience though, even as he kept reading about the fictional Lucy. He felt so glad for her when the faun repented, taking her back safely to the wardrobe. He closed the book carefully on the treasured bookmark at the end of the chapter, leaning back in surprise at the intensity that he’d engaged with the story. He wanted to talk to Marcie about it, but he already had so much to catch up on with her.
He found the small piece of paper that he’d used for yesterday’s shopping list, and placed it on the table with a pen, before making a cheese sandwich for himself. Once he came back to the table with his simple lunch, he tried to remember everything that he wanted to share with Marcie. He started with ‘supervisor change’ and ‘Lucy’s trap’, then added ‘night out: Geoff, Sofie’ before pausing to think and chew. He realised what he needed to admit to though, so he wrote ‘Shona feeding’ and ‘bed toys’ too. He knew he also wanted to share something of his thoughts at the kitchen sink, but all he could think to note down were the words ‘air’ and ‘fire’.
As he read the list back, he realised there was nothing about his big personal worries there, about his health and his work, about all his dusty stuff locked away in his dangerous flat, or about his big worry - that he was clueless about his future purpose in life, to put it bluntly. He decided it was best to remember Marcie’s advice and example though, to just look at the next step. She’d take him to the doctors, then they’d have a meal out like a proper couple, which he knew to be exactly what they were.
He finished his lunch with an apple, but decided not to try picking up Marcie’s precious book to read while he was eating. Once he’d tidied up, he wondered what else to do while he waited for her to get home. He checked the washing and the clear sky, then thought of his small pile of clothes in the spare room. It felt like a charade to have them still there as if he were a house guest, but he could hardly move them into Marcie’s bedroom without discussing it with her first. He decided that he could safely take down the camp bed though.
He was still tidying things up in the spare room when he heard Marcie’s key in the front door, earlier than expected. His heart leapt as she called out in a joking tone, “Hi honey, I’m home!”
He met her in the hallway as she dropped her bag and lifted her hands to his face to give him a wet smooching kiss. “Hmm, it’s good to see you,” she said, breaking away to squat down and slip off her shoes. Then she saw what he’d been doing. “Oh, that’s a good idea! Did you see the bags for all that stuff in the cupboard?” she asked, thumping the small door to the space under the other flat’s stairs to graphically demonstrate where she meant. “We’ll finish off together when we get back from the doctors. I’ll just have a wee, then are you ready to go?”
Ben asked if she wanted to get some lunch for herself, but Marcie said she’d already had a snack and she didn’t want to be late for his important appointment as he followed her through the living room. Then she saw his list on the table and automatically picked it up. “More shopping?” she asked, reading it briefly, then saying, “Or not.”
Ben felt a little embarrassed, admitting, “It’s just a reminder, for me, of things to mention, to you.”
“Well, we can talk about them all in the car,” she said brightly as she went through the kitchen without taking her jacket off, adding, “Oh! You’ve put loads of washing out too. Thank you!” as she disappeared into the bathroom. “Do you need to pick up anything before we go?” she prompted, speaking loudly even though she’d left the door ajar. Ben could clearly hear the sound of her gushing urine too, and was reminded again of how at ease she seemed with him.
He quickly found his phone and his own jacket, then thought to recover the papers that the hospital had given him, along with his list and the pen from the table. As Marcie came back to the living room herself, he was glad that she put her arms out to give him a big hug. As he put his arms around her, burying his nose in her neatly pinned hair and running his palms over the rough fabric across her shoulder blades, she put her cold damp hands under his loose t-shirt. He exclaimed, just as she’d anticipated, as she gave a sly chortling laugh, but he actually found the sensation on his bare skin excitingly stimulating. They kissed again, but only briefly as Marcie leaned further back to say, “I’ve missed you. You’ve been okay?”
Ben assured her that he had, then she was all business-like again, confirming his doctor’s address and planning the route as she led them out to the car.
“So your bit of paper was a list of things to talk to me about, was it?” Marcie asked as they walked down the pavement, gesturing to it where he gripped it with the hospital letters. “I think I remember a few lines from glancing at it. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to pry. But the first was about my call to Student Support and switching tutors, right?” Ben confirmed it was as they got into her car, reassuring her that he wasn’t trying to keep secrets from her. “Well, that’s sorted, isn’t it?” Marcie said assertively as she started the engine and then pulled out, “I spoke to them, I’ve got an appointment, I’ll have a think about my research topics, then we’ll take it from there.”
“I guess there’s more to it than that,” Ben argued, “It’s a big step. I want to help. We can talk about it.”
“Yes, I know,” she said, briefly turning to give him a sad smile, “But you were there when I needed you, when I called you from work, and I’m really glad you were. And now I’m off work, looking after you. We can put my troubles away for now. There will be plenty of time to let things shake down, but we don’t need to pick and fuss at it. What was next on your list, something about a Lucy? Is this someone you forget to tell me about last night? You don’t have to share all your guilty secrets with me, you know.”
“No!” Ben reassured her, “It was nothing like that. It was Lucy in your book, The Lion, Witch and Wardrobe.”
Marcie laughed lightly, “Oh, that Lucy! You’re getting into the story, then?”
“Yes, very much. I was wondering though, if you’d felt like Lucy sometimes?” he asked, unsure of how to express everything he’d felt for the character.
“Ooh, I’d have to think about that. Let’s postpone that one for a proper chat later. Was there something on your list about our night out too, right?”
Ben was surprised at how much Marcie had taken in from her brief glance, but he answered simply, “Aye. I’ve booked a table for the two at that pizza place, then I thought we could meet my friend for a drink, Geoff, and his girlfriend Sofie. I hope that’s okay?”
“Yes, that’s perfect,” Marcie reassured him, “I said I wanted a proper night out, and you’ve arranged it all. I hope you warned your friends that we might not want to stay out too late?” Ben confirmed he had, then she asked about the couple.
“I met Geoff in Tynemouth, sailing, years ago. He’s was sparky, an electrician, on industrial sites often. Now he’s like a project manager for construction, I guess. He got together with Sofie a couple of years ago. She works at BT. I think you’ll get on well with her. Geoff’s easy company too.”
“I’ll look forward to meeting them then. But what was next? Did I see you’d written Shona’s name down?”
“Blimey, you remember things well!” Ben exclaimed, feeling embarrassed again.
“A list, a librarian, go figure. Part of my brain would be trying to alphabetise and categorise it before I’d even stopped to think I might be reading something personal. It was a surprise to see ‘Shona feeding’ in your handwriting though. What did you mean, I wonder?”
“Well, I met Ali, he saw me hanging the washing out, and he invited me up for a cup of tea,” Ben began cautiously as Marcie nudged along with the traffic.
“That’s nice. You got on well then?” she asked, with perhaps a teasing tone.
“Yes, he was very supportive actually, encouraging. But Shona and the kids were there too, of course, and, well, she gave baby Fiona a feed. She was breastfeeding her, you know, while I was there.”
“Ahh! And you got a good eyeful, then? You said last night that you were a bit of a connoisseur for the ladies’ mammaries, I think. Would you rate hers highly? Should I be getting jealous?”
“No, it’s not like that,” Ben protested, feeling his cheeks burn. “I couldn’t help myself. I did see her breast, well, both actually, one before and one after Fiona’s feed. But it was an accident. I just glanced in her direction. But also I didn’t want to keep it a secret from you. And I wondered again about maybe helping out, with babysitting or whatever.”
“I was teasing. Poor Shona. I don’t think she knows if she’s coming or going most of the time with three to look after. I really can’t imagine she’d have the headspace to think of flirting with her neighbour’s new boyfriend. She’s fed Fiona in front of me too. It was a bit unexpected the first time, but that’s just because I don’t really know other people at that stage in their lives, with babies. You’re right though, too. We can help out. And I promise I won’t tease you about just wanting to go up to Shona’s to look at her boobies. But you really noticed, right?” she asked with curiosity and perhaps sympathy too.
“I guess so,” Ben admitted guiltily.
“Hey, don’t beat yourself up. You’re a hetro male who’s probably quite revved up at the moment anyway, with everything we’ve been doing, and not quite doing. You’ve already told me you can be turned on by a woman’s breasts, and that’s hardly a shocking surprise. And now you’re making a real effort to be honest with me. That’s all good, Ben. Your passion is healthy. I’m really keen to see it in action more, actually. I think I said, well, you can let your desires flow freely with me. As long as your poor lungs can cope with your racing heart, you can suck my nipples until they’re sore. I think I’ve got as much flesh as Shona to fill your mouth, even if mine aren’t leaking milk. But I’m letting myself get distracted now! I should be concentrating on the road here.”
Ben had felt reassured and even quite excited by Marcie’s words, but he too focused his attention on finding their directions. They came off the main road after the Byker Bridge, then searched successfully for a parking spot near his doctors.
“We’re a bit early now,” Marcie observed as she stopped the engine and a kind of quiet descended, “Was there more from your list you wanted to mention before we go to the waiting room?”
“Yes,” Ben confessed, listening to the noises of the city, but aware that no one could overhear them in the car, “I don’t know if you read it, but there was something else. I’m sorry, but I saw your toys too. I wasn’t trying to spy, I just opened the drawer. You’d said the clean sheets were in there.”
“Yes I did, didn’t I? And thank you again for changing the bed. I’ll look forward to snuggling up in fresh sheets later,” she said, smiling warmly as she reached out to hold Ben’s hand. Yet she didn’t pause before continuing, “But I think I knew what you’d find, what you’d see. I think I wanted to share it all with you, especially after we’d talked about it last night, about me using sex toys. Maybe I liked the thought of you finding them back at the flat, and maybe imagining me playing with them too, whilst at the same time I was away being the polite professional librarian at work. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to embarrass you. Were you shocked?”
“Erm, no, not shocked,” Ben answered, taking her hand in both of his now, letting the paperwork he’d been holding slide away, “I was a bit surprised, that you had so many. Not that it’s many really,” he hastily backtracked, “Just, I don’t know, thinking of old girlfriends I guess, I thought they just had one they used.”
“Well, perhaps I got a bit carried away with ordering them after reading those features in Cosmo, trying out all the different types and models they’d reviewed. Some are more reliable than others. Some are just awkward and a bit painful. And perhaps your other girlfriends had more hidden away, but they just didn’t let you see them all. Well, was there anything that caught your eye especially?” she asked cheekily, clasping their knot of hands with her remaining free hand.
“I didn’t really look,” he tried to explain, before honestly admitting, “I wasn’t sure how some worked. I did look at one, a rabbit I guess. I didn’t try turning it on or anything though”
“The purple one?” Marcie confirmed, “Well, you can guess how that one works, I imagine. It’s not the most reliable. Its ears are more use than anything else, well, they bring me to orgasm when sticking the lubricated shaft up myself doesn’t, to speak candidly and honestly. Were you hoping I’d show you how they all worked sometime?”
“Aye, I guess I was,” Ben admitted, adding hopefully, “You’d really do that with me?”
“Of course! We’d kind of started that last night I thought,” she said with a twinkling smile. Then she put on an exaggerated accent to add, “Your enthusiasm and interest in the ways that I make my own pleasure is a refreshing delight, I must say Mister Osborne!”
Ben laughed with her, but he wondered if she were also hinting that her previous boyfriends, Richard and Jason too perhaps, had neglected her own needs. Silently, he again revised his personal resolution to find ways to show Marcie how special she was to him, to not take her for granted.
Marcie let her playful speech roll on, “But also there is so much more that one may do when one is with another, is there not? Fie, I declare one needs a month of Sundays to do all that one would wish to with one’s eager beau.”
“Aye, long lazy Sundays, late to rise, early to bed,” Ben said, trying to match her tone as he looked into her twinkling brown eyes with a smile.
“With lots of slippery sex in the afternoons too!” Marcie concluded with a broad minxish grin, returning to her normal voice. She leant forwards to give him a tiny peck on the lips before sighing, then said as she patted his hands, “Come on, lover boy, we’ve got a serious appointment to keep. Are you ready?”
“Aye, let’s do it,” Ben said, picking up his paperwork. He got out of the car, watched Marcie lock it, then led her to the surgery.
He remembered the building well enough, even though he’d only been there perhaps three times in all his years in Newcastle. He felt calm as he introduced himself to the receptionist, then took a seat in the quiet waiting room with Marcie.