Gasping for Air by Sam Hawthorne - HTML preview

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Chapter 41

Stepping carefully, Ben passed Marcie’s borrowed wellingtons over, then began folding the blanket as she slipped her handbag over her head and eased her feet into the boots. As he slung the blanket over his shoulder and put his own boots on, he saw how she braced her hand against the tree’s trunk for balance, using its upright strength casually now. Then she moved cautiously to the edge of the platform, still gripping the trunk’s bark firmly, confirming that they were ready to go down. Ben took her elbow and tried to reassure her as she warily placed her feet onto the first rungs of the ladder.

Once safely back down at ground level, Ben and Marcie both gave a final pat to the tree trunk with a silent knowing smile to each other, before picking up their jackets and starting back. They made good progress through the small wood, then downhill along the edge of the field back towards the farmhouse. They saw the aunts’ car as they crossed the farmyard to put the blanket back in Marcie’s hatchback, but when they went through the back door, there was no one in the kitchen.

As they took their wellingtons off and Marcie popped to the loo, Ben called out, “We’re home!” He heard his dad’s voice from the living room, saying they were in there. Ben replied loudly to say they’d be through in a moment, wanting to wait for Marcie so that they could go through together. He took the condom and its wrapper from his pocket, wrapped it tightly in a piece of kitchen roll, then stuffed it down inside the kitchen rubbish, out of sight. Marcie emerged from the downstairs toilet and then started lacing herself back into her own boots, while Ben washed his hands in the kitchen sink, splashing a little water on his face too, drying his hands on the tea-towel. Then with an encouraging smile as he quietly confirmed she was ready, he took her hand and led her through to meet his relations.

He saw his grandmother hunched up in the upright armchair, which his dad must have pulled up close to the crackling and popping fire that was still only just catching in the grate. Ginnie and Grace were in separate comfy chairs opposite each other, but they sprang to their feet when he and Marcie came into the room, whilst his dad was already hovering by the door. “Granny, Gracie, Ginnie love, this is our Ben’s Marcie,” he said with a beaming grin as he ushered them into the room, then provided the complementary introduction, “Marcie love, this is my sister Grace, her friend Ginnie and my mother Pat. No, don’t get up Granny, I’m sure Ben and Marcie will come to you.”

His mother had indeed made as if trying to rise from her chair, fumbling for her sticks that were tucked alongside her, but then she settled back with a sigh. Ginnie was the first to say how delighted she was to meet Marcie, opening her arms to give her a kiss, easily negotiating Marcie’s Mediterranean habit as she went for each cheek in turn. Ben greeted Auntie Grace with one peck to the cheek, as usual, then they swapped places, before Ben leaned down to kiss his grandmother, and then Marcie followed his example with the fragile-seeming old woman. Granny Pat clutched Marcie’s cheeks before she could pull away though, saying, “Oh, aren’t you just the most beautiful sun-kissed creature! Welcome to Askholm, my dear. I’m just sorry you’re too late to catch our Daisy.”

“Oh, Granny, don’t. You’ll scare the poor girl off,” Grace said firmly.

“I hope not,” Dave said frankly as he gestured for everyone to sit down again, falling back into a tatty old recliner himself. Then he asked, “Granny and your aunts only just got here Son, so you’ve not missed out. But did you young ones enjoy your walk? I’d say it certainly seems to have done you good. You’re both positively glowing! Maybe that Ashleigh is onto something with her glamourous camping ideas. I was telling them about that scheme of Naomi and Tom’s daughter, Granny. You city-folk need to get out into the countryside to get some colour in your cheeks!”

“Aye, well I guess we had a brisk walk,” Ben said carefully, trying not to catch Marcie’s eye, but he admitted, “We found that old crow’s nest, up in the big ash tree, on the south edge of the copse. Do you remember putting it up there, Dad?”

“Aye, I remember,” his dad said thoughtfully, “You’d worry Mum and me sick with your tree climbing. I hoped you’d be safer with a ladder and somewhere firm to park your behind. But it didn’t work out that way, did it?”

“Oh, is that the one you fell from?” his grandmother spoke up, “He broke his arm, Marcie dear. You gave us quite a fright. That naughty old tree. I hope you’ve made your peace with him since, and thought kindly of him today, after all the trouble you’ve had, my poor thing.”

“Aye, Marcie and I will both remember it now. It’s a special tree.”

“You need to know you have a safe haven here,” Granny Pat went on, “Both of you. You’re under the care of the Holy Spirit and the ash, as well as my David and Gracie.”

“You’re sounding a bit daft again, Granny,” Grace cautioned.

“No, it’s okay. I know what you mean, Granny, and I think Marcie does too,” Ben said, “We’re glad we could come down. We’ve talked about the power of nature, and it does feel like it’s a healing force, after all the mad stuff this week. And Dad put on a proper spread for lunch.”

“Come here, love. Let me get a proper look at you,” Pat said in a kindly way, and Ben dutifully stood up and went to her chair. She grasped his big paw in the hook of her delicate arthritic hand as he loomed over her. He could feel her warm papery skin as she tried to grip him, then she said, “Yes, it’s clear. You’re a grown man now. You’ve had an awful shock, with the bad news about your lungs and your job, and a cruel blow with the fire. But you still feel blessed, don’t you?”

Ben wondered at her insight as she gestured to Marcie with her other hand almost impatiently, “Come here too, dear.” Ben smiled apologetically to Marcie, but she seemed very happy to approach the old matriarch, letting her fold her other failing hand around Marcie’s. “Oh, you’re both so full of life, aren’t you? I can feel it coursing through you so powerfully, the inner fire of love that’s caught strong and true! If you both tend that love carefully it will last you your whole lifetimes, you know, and beyond. That’s your real news, that’s what you wanted to share, isn’t it Ben love? It’s not about your troubles, it’s about what you’ve found.”

“Aye, that’s the real news, Granny,” looking shyly at Marcie, “I’ve had a couple of nasty surprises, and I’ve lost some things, but I’ve found Marcie, and that’s what really matters.”

“Well, don’t let me keep you standing like a pair of mooncalves!” Pat said, dropping their hands unceremoniously, “Sit down Marcie dear, while the boys get some tea for us.”

Ben caught Marcie’s eye to give her a querying look, thinking she might feel a bit anxious about being left with his strange relatives, but she smiled and made a tiny gesture as if to shoo him away. So he took his cue, saying, “Aye, come on Dad. Let’s get the kettle on.”

When they’d got into the kitchen and the noise of the kettle had started rising, Dave asked subtly, “Will Marcie be alright on her own in there, with the Coven? Granny does come on a bit strange sometimes.”

“Aye, she’s brave, and strong enough to stand up for herself. I’ve seen that,” Ben reassured him, smiling at his dad’s word for the three older women. He paused just for a moment, thinking of what his grandmother had said, then went on with what he knew he wanted to say, “Dad, I should tell you. It’s important, to me. I think she’s the one, Dad, I really do. Like Granny said, I think we’ve started something powerful and true. It seems crazy, how quickly it’s happened. But we both honestly think this is the real thing, Dad. So that really is the news, like Granny said. I think I’ve found my other half, the love of my life.”

“Aye, and I think I’ve seen that, or suspected something like it,” his dad said in a thoughtful way, fiddling with the teapot, then went on, “So what does that mean? Does your generation still think about marriage? Or do you think you might just start a family, sometime when things are a bit more settled?”

“Well, both, I guess,” Ben admitted, glad to be bringing these ideas into the open, “That’s what getting married means, doesn’t it? Saying to the world that you’re going to stick together, that you’ve chosen each other as life partners. And having kids, well, Marcie’s got to finish her PhD, and maybe start her proper career, and I’ve got to get settled in a new job too, but we do both know that might be on the cards, somewhere down the line. If she’s got a good career by then, maybe I’d be the one who’d stay at home with the baby. Who knows?”

“Well, that all sounds good Son. I’m really happy for you. But don’t rush at things for me, or your Granny’s sake,” Dave said, finding mugs and a tray.

“No, it wouldn’t be for the family, because of what you, or Marcie’s Nanna, or her mum Vera expect,” Ben explained, getting the sugar and a jug for the milk, “It would be a rush, but I think we know it’s just what’s the honest truth. So I guess what I’m saying is, I want to propose to Marcie, and I’m asking if you think that’s okay, even though I didn’t know her this time last week.”

His dad gave a surprised laugh, then said, keeping his voice deliberately low as he grinned with wry amusement, “Didn’t know her? I knew you’d only just become her girlfriend this week, but I didn’t realise she wasn’t even a friend before that!”

“Aye, we were strangers, when I collapsed in the gym. It’s like we were thrown together. She held my hand in the ambulance. We talked, we fell in love. I guess that’s it, that’s the story,” Ben admitted, “Do you think I’m daft then, to think of proposing, of making that commitment already? It’s just,” he paused, but decided to plough on, “Well, after my scare and hospital trip, Marcie said it made life seem so much more fragile, as if it’s too short to waste. I feel I know what she means too, and that’s maybe why it’s happening so fast for us.”

“Aye, life can be fragile,” Dave reflected sadly, then said decisively, “So no, I don’t think you’re daft, and I can’t tell you what should or shouldn’t do anyway. I imagine you know your own mind, and what your hearts are telling you both,” then he paused by the kettle, staring into space, before admitting as he filled the teapot, “It seems like a very long time ago now, but I think I knew with Mum straight away. We met at a Young Farmer’s thing, as you know. She caught my eye, so we talked and we made each other laugh, and then like you two, we just fell in love, pretty much straight away as well as I remember it. There was a lot more careful to and fro in those days, and we were younger than you are now. I was very intimidated by Grandad Ron too, if you can believe it! Well, it must have taken me a year and a half at least before I popped the question. But that doesn’t mean you have to do the same. I never regretted it, once we’d tied the knot. Perhaps it would have been better to have not wasted the time to get there. Maybe just give it a little longer though Son, until things have settled down a bit. Like you said, it’s been a mad week for you.”

“Aye, you’re right,” Ben agreed, “Thank you. It is a bit sad though, isn’t it? Like Granny said, I found Marcie too late for Mum to meet her.”

“Aye, it is sad,” Dave said, stepping around the table to grip his son’s shoulder, “She’d have been so happy for you. Life’s cruel sometimes, like with your lungs and your fire.” Then he released his son as he thought of something, “Did you lose photographs in the fire too? Check the albums before you go. Take a photo of Mum to share with Marcie if you want.”

“Thanks Dad, that’s a nice idea,” Ben said as his dad moved around to finally get all the tea things organised. Then a thought occurred to him, “But what about a ring? Would it be nice if I proposed to Marcie with Mum’s engagement ring, like it was being passed down?”

“I’m not sure, Son,” his dad said seriously after a thoughtful pause, “It’s all yours or Adam’s at the end of the day, of course, to do with as you want, and I’m not trying to hoard stuff. But maybe Marcie would like something you’ve chosen for her, that’s special just for the two of you. Would you need a bit of help to splash out for a nice one though? If you’re anxious about what you’ve got coming in now, I could write you a cheque. Bobbins! I should have thought of that sooner. I’ll write you a cheque anyway, so you don’t have to wait on your insurance money before you can restock your wardrobe and your lost things. It’s almost your birthday. We’ll make it a nice big early present.”

“Thanks Dad,” Ben said again, “But you don’t need to. I’ve got savings.”

“Nonsense! I’ll write one out before you go. Oh, and I found your old Lego in the box room too. I put it in the dining room for you to take with you. It might keep you in with your neighbours, if you can entertain their boys with it, doing a bit of childcare. And who knows, there might be another little pair of hands to play with it in a few years’ time,” Dave said in a low voice as they carried the tea through to the living room.

“That took a while. We’re spitting feathers in here, Dave” Grace said acerbically as Ben and his dad rejoined the party.

“Sorry, that was my fault,” Ben admitted, “We got talking, well, about lots of things.”

“Oh ignore the barren old maid, Ben love,” Granny Pat said, rather cruelly Ben thought, “We’ve been having a lovely time in here, getting to know Marcie, telling her what a vigorous boy you were when you were growing up, and hearing a bit about the adventures that you two have had already.”

Ben shot an anxious glance towards Marcie, hoping that they hadn’t been grilling her too rigorously, but she was smiling happily at him. Grace wasn’t going to let her mother have the last word though, as she shot back, “I’ve helped to raise thousands of children and young adults, as well you know Granny. Just because I’ve not squeezed any out myself, it doesn’t make me less a woman.”

Ben thought he saw Marcie catch his dad’s look when he made an exaggerated eye-rolling expression at this, as she gave a sly smirk, obviously recognising this old routine for what it was. “Nonsense, child. You had it easy, just teaching the seniors their maths. Ginnie here is the one who did the real work, supporting all the waifs and strays who drifted through her little primary school. They’re still wild savages at that age, aren’t they Ginnie dear? Wailing and fighting, making puddles and making your heart melt with their sticky antics.”

“Yes, Marcie was asking about our jobs, or Gracie’s old job, now that she’s stepped back to enjoy her gardening more,” Ginnie explained, perhaps stepping in to bring the conversation back to a more polite and civilised footing, “And we were just talking about children’s books. She said you had a few that you’d kept, which she was very glad you’d taken over to your new home before the fire. And she said you’ve both been looking at the wonderful Narnia stories again. They are magical, aren’t they? Even coming back to them as an adult, you feel transported to a special place.”

“Aye, that’s exactly what I’ve found,” Ben agreed as he sat down and Dave began pouring the teas then passing them around. He was relieved that the conversation they’d had while he’d been away had seemingly been about such innocent things, and not about other adventures that Marcie might have been able to tell them about. He admitted, “I didn’t know them. You remember I wasn’t much of a reader. Well, Marcie’s helping, and we’ve just been reading and talking about The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe together.”

“Ginnie was telling me that Lewis also wrote about medieval allegorical work, in which you’d get characters who were simply called things like Despair, Ignorance or Friendship,” Marcie chipped in enthusiastically, “It made me wonder if each of the Pevensie children stood for simple ideas like that.”

“And I thought they probably could, but they also seem richer than that,” Ginnie said, adding, “It’s made me want to go back and read them again too.”

“I still remember one scene well,” Grace said, seemingly mollified by her tea, or by Ginnie and Marcie’s warm enthusiasm, “Lucy and Susan walk through the woods with the lion on the way to his sacrificial altar.”

“Ooh, don’t give too much away please,” Marcie said urgently, “Ben hasn’t got to that bit yet.”

Grace nodded towards her respectfully, then went on with an indulgent smile towards Ben, “Well, it’s a very sad and tender moment. But the girls end up having to help themselves, that was the point for me. The lion was a fine creature, to be sure, but when all the bluster and fury has passed, they’re just left to find comfort in each other’s arms.”

“I know what you mean, Gracie, and that’s our way. But I’m not sure everyone would have read it like that,” Ginnie said in a tender way, and at that moment Ben felt that he saw something that he’d not noticed before passing between his aunts. He realised that he’d perhaps taken their companionship for granted, as if they were indivisible. But in that simple insight, he thought perhaps he’d caught a glimpse of the kind of support that they gave each other. He recalled his grandmother’s words to himself and Marcie about tending the fire of the love, and wondered if this was a glimpse of how it looked after decades of attention, but from the left-handed perspective rather than the right as it were.

“It’s nice to hear that you were both into the stories,” Marcie said sincerely, adding, “I’d imagine they were still relatively new when you first read them.”

“Yes, I suppose so,” Ginnie mused, “I’m old enough to remember the rationing on sweets ending, and I think the books talk about a kind of nostalgia for the treats that the children can’t have. I must have been able to sympathise with that back then.”

“I remember hearing the man on the radio,” Pat piped up, “I’m sorry to say it, but he seemed a rather pompous and dried up old stick. His creed seemed rather lacking in the magic of creation’s natural fertile growth, as if God’s love were also a dry and scholarly thing. But God’s love is wet, isn’t it? It’s the rain, bringing life to the land. From the very beginning, the Spirit moved on the face of the waters of creation. And we each make God’s love, don’t we Marcie dear? It’s in our kisses, and then in our bellies, if that’s His will, nourishing our soggy babies, mewling and helpless in our arms. But then look what great big things they turn into!”

“I’ve lost two stone since I stopped drinking, actually,” Grace said a little peevishly, making Ginnie laugh.

“But you’ll take care, won’t you Marcie dear?” Pat went on, “Have fun while you both can, and don’t rush into things. Ben’s grandfather and I didn’t find French Letters until after these two turned up. But a little pill is so much more convenient.”

“Granny! You really do go too far sometimes,” Grace said with exaggerated shock in her voice, and Ben saw his dad looking at the ground in his awkwardness. But Marcie and Ginnie were both smirking, he noticed.

It was Marcie who calmly guided the conversation back into safer waters, saying, “Yes, we are a lucky generation, with so much choice and freedom. And I think perhaps we find it easier to talk openly and honestly about that practical side of romantic love too. But we still need the wisdom and guidance of the older generations, yours Pat, and your children’s. It has been wonderful to meet you all. I really appreciate the warmth and support you’ve shown Ben and myself.”

“Yes, speaking of support, you have a birthday coming up, don’t you Ben love?” Pat said eagerly, “Had we better make it a bit of a special one if you need to replace the things you’ve lost, or to give you a little help to get back to college and learn a new trade?”

“Don’t worry, Granny,” Ben said, “There’s money coming for things like that, from my insurance and the compensation, and Dad’s already said he’ll help.”

“Something for your new home then? A nice set of tableware maybe?” Pat persisted.

“They’re not starting a wedding list yet, Granny,” Grace scoffed, stepping up to her role as her mother’s censor once again.

“No, not yet,” Ben said, feeling a little embarrassed, thinking of the conversation he’d just had with his dad.

“I’m sure you’ll think of something nice for the flat though, won’t you love?” Marcie said, coming to his rescue, “You can have a think then talk it through on the phone later. It’s still a few weeks off.”

“Yes, you do that Son,” my dad, “But did you want to look at the albums before you head off? We thought it might be nice for you to take a photo of Mum back to your flat, Marcie love.”

Dave ended up pulling out several photo albums, which got passed around for everyone to look at. Ben realised that this could open out into a very long session, in which his whole childhood was reviewed from every angle, along with the complex web of wider family relations, friends and neighbours. He deliberately tried to close that possibility down, as he spotted his parent’s wedding album and said, “Maybe there’s one of the just the two of you, from the day you got married Dad. That would be nice. We’d just borrow it, to take to one of those photo shops. They do quality copies direct from photos now. You don’t need the negatives.”

Ginnie said that sounded like a very sensible idea, perhaps realising herself what was starting to happen and why he’d suggested it. So his dad pulled out the special album and passed it to Ginnie, who paged through it carefully whilst Marcie watched over her shoulder, perched on the edge of her chair.

“Is that you and Grace? You look so glamorous!” Marcie said, sincere in her flattery.

“Well, this was, what, 1967 Dave? We would both have been twenty-four, just out of our postgraduate teacher training, and just out of the closet too I suppose. An exciting time all round. But doesn’t Daisy look beautiful?”

“Yes, she does,” Marcie said seriously, “She looks like Eostre herself, the goddess of spring. Perhaps that’s the photo. Do you want to have a look, love? Would that be okay to have in a frame on the metaphorical mantlepiece?”

Ben rose to his feet and moved around behind her and Ginnie to see the classically posed black and white wedding photo. He thought his mum looked so young in it, yet her face was shining with happiness beneath the flower crown that she’d had for the day, the curls of her fair hair, which she must also have had done especially, falling around her face. He said, “Aye, that’s a lovely photo. Is it okay Dad, if we just borrow it, until we’re down again? And you’re right, Marcie. She’s like the May Queen, isn’t she?”

“Aye, I remember,” Dave said nostalgically, “You know she wasn’t keen on her name, saying it would have been better for one of the cows. But she was as fresh and beautiful as the most perfect spring flower. The wedding was in June, mind. Midsummer’s Eve, a time for magic.”

“‘Consider the lilies of the field,’” Pat spontaneously quoted, holding a raised finger towards Marcie, “‘Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.’ Oh, she was the fair lily then, just as you are the dusky damask rose now dear, beautiful by nature.”

“That’s enough sermonising, Granny,” Gracie said patiently.

“Aye, you two need to get off, don’t you Ben, Marcie love? You’ve got a long drive,” Dave said, firmly patting his legs with his big hands before rising from his chair, “You take that photo, pick up those boxes from the dining room too, and I’ll get that cheque written.”

He inspired everyone to begin bustling about as the albums were laid aside, the aunts wondered if they should get away too, and Ben argued politely with his father about there being no need for the cheque, whilst the older man stubbornly insisted that he wanted to help. Ben ended up taking the Lego and the precious photo out to the car while Marcie hung back, then he went back inside to say goodbye to his grandmother with Marcie, kissing her cheek as she remained hunched close to the fire. She did her best to grip his hand before he departed, gesturing for Marcie to hold her other as they had before again, saying, “Look after each other, Ben love. Be kind with yourselves, cherish your blossoming love. You’re a beautiful couple. God bless you both.”

His aunts followed them out to the car with Dave to see them off. They all hugged each other goodbye, Marcie making her kisses on both cheeks for all three, saying again how nice it had been to meet them, and how welcome they’d made her feel. Then Ben was driving Marcie away, both waving their arms in parting from the little car’s open windows.