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Learn The Predictable Patterns that Make Men Fall In Love She was one of my favorite clients, and her words kept echoing through my mind...
"He doesn't see the point, James. That's what he said to me. So I don't see the point either. If I can't win his heart with your help, I must not be cut out for love."
And that was it.
She ended our Skype session. And because she lived on the other side of the world, I couldn't even tell her it was me who had failed.
I had taken too big of a risk. Something my gut warned me against before I even gave her the advice.
But I ignored my gut. I went for the "big win." Because I wanted to satisfy my own ego. I wanted her to be amazed at how fast I could turn the tide of her relationship.
I was young, and naive. And I was practicing the complicated art of relationship coaching.
I felt like giving up. So I went to my mentor for advice.
I had come to trust her words of wisdom whenever things seemed to fall apart.
This was one of those days. And I needed to see her.
I sat across from her with my face in my hands, trying not to feel the sadness and bitter frustration.
I was lost in my thoughts. Lost in my self-pity. But she looked past the pathetic man sitting across from her. And she called out to the man she had agreed to mentor.
"James," she said, "though you might want to believe otherwise, you are destined to fail as a relationship coach. It's just part of the learning process. You will make mistakes.
"And sometimes it's going to hurt. But let me remind you of something you told me long ago.
"You told me you are on a mission to find the secrets of relationship
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success. And every time you fail, you refine your ability to guide others toward success."
She had a special ability. The ability to call out the strength and resilience in others. The ability to reignite the fire that drives a person's core motivation.
My core motivation? I wanted to be the best. Not just the best around, but the best there ever was.
And for a long time, that blinded me. It slowed my progress. Until one day I realized I could never be the solution to someone else's relationship.
You see, beauty sometimes erupts spontaneously in relationships between a man and woman. I wanted to understand why.
So I got out of my own way. I started to search for patterns. I searched, and I searched.
And this is what I found.
The Attraction Triggers
With the right triggers, both men and women are designed to fall in love.
We are literally hardwired to fall in love. We are not meant to be alone.
Did you know it's illegal to own just one guinea pig in Switzerland? I'm not making this up.
In 2008, they passed several new laws about pet ownership. The one about guinea pigs recognizes the fact that they are genetically hardwired to thrive with companionship. While loneliness takes a serious toll on their health.
Of course, psychologists have been telling us the same thing about humans for years. Our physical and emotional health is largely dependent on companionship.
In fact, if you were stranded on a deserted island with a man, everything that's feminine about you would call to him. Without competing distractions, the two of you would be destined to become a couple.
But here's the question I became fascinated with: How can you amplify the natural triggers that cause romantic attraction?
As I watched for clues, I began to see universal patterns. Relationship
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patterns that seemed to show up over and over again just before something beautiful emerged in a relationship.
Then I began to discover ways to trigger those patterns.
These triggers could cause a couple to leap forward to deeper levels of intimacy and commitment. Sparking a new level of intimacy that could only be called "true love." A selfless way of loving that was absolutely beautiful.
You can probably imagine my excitement. Studying patterns in relationships became my new obsession.
That was long ago. But I never stopped searching. And I've discovered a few relationship patterns you might like to know about.
The Strangest Thing Men Desire
It's okay if you want an amazing relationship with a man. It's okay if you refuse to settle for a lukewarm relationship.
But if you're going to go all out, and really build a beautiful relationship, you need to share that dream with the man you invite into your life.
And to do a good job of inviting him, you have to understand what's enticing about a relationship from a man's perspective.
In fact, you'll want to interact with him in a way that feels almost like a proposal. And here's what you're proposing:
"Let's reject cynicism. Embrace what's beautiful. And create something magnificent."
But what holds those qualities for a man? What seems "magnificent" to a man?
He doesn't see a relationship the same way you do. So it's important to know how men see relationships differently.
That way you can frame your invitation in a way that gets results. You can frame your invitation in a way that connects with his natural drive to create something beautiful with you.
You'll whet his appetite. You'll trigger his desire to go after a deeper romantic connection with you.
Sounds good, right?
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So, what is the beauty a man sees in a committed relationship? Well, it might sound a bit odd to you at first, but here it is: A romantic relationship satisfies a man's craving for companionship to the extent that it fits with his identity...the way he wants to see himself.
Understanding this one statement will give you tremendous power in your relationships with men. So let me explain.
Generally speaking, we seek out relationships because of the other person's qualities. We love someone for who they are. But we also seek out relationships because of the way other people make us feel about ourselves.
Let me offer a short story that illustrates this concept well.
When I was in high school, there was a girl named Stephanie who had it all. She was tall with a pretty face and a nice figure.
Her dad was one of the richest guys in town and gave her the choice of any brand-new car she wanted for her sixteenth birthday. Nearly all the popular guys in our school stood in line for their turn to date her.
I did not stand in line.
If you asked me if she was an attractive person, I would have said "yes"
without a second thought. However, I was not attracted to the idea of myself in her presence.
She was taller than me by a good inch. She wore clothes that made mine look shabby. And the worst thing was her silly way of interacting with people.
I was kind of serious during my high school years, driven by my appetite for achievement. In contrast, Stephanie liked to engage people with as much silly banter as she could.
It's not that I couldn't see the value of that playful style of interaction; it's just that it didn't play to my strong suit. I could imagine myself feeling awkward and unlikable compared to her when trying to interact with her friends.
In contrast, my friends appreciated my tendency to deeply consider questions before responding. I had my silly side too. But I wouldn't want to be that version of myself twenty-four-seven.
Here's what I'm getting at...
When I'm attracted to you, it means I want more of you in my life. But
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attraction also means I enjoy being me when I am in your presence.
I don't know if you have noticed this, but you change depending on who you are spending time with.
Some people draw out one facet of your personality while other people draw out a different facet of your personality. Like a diamond with many facets, the light you reflect back at others changes depending on your surroundings.
"Some people are so much sunshine per square inch."
~ Walt Whitman
This quote captures so much truth. I personally like myself better when I am in the company of people who have that special "sunshine" quality.
The sunshine quality is very different than Stephanie's silly quality. You can be reserved in your demeanor yet beaming with sunshine as someone approaches you to strike up a conversation.
It's not that I like a sunny kind of person more than I like a sad person. I love them both; but I like myself better when I spend time with a woman who has that special sort of "sunshine" quality.
Here's the number-one reason why I think you should consider how a potential partner brings out various facets of your own personality. My reasoning is reflected in the quote below.
"Live life as a monument to your soul."
~ Ayn Rand
I want my soul to shine as I live my life. Therefore, I want to choose a partner who will help my soul to genuinely shine.
Does this make sense to you? Do you only look at the qualities and characteristics of a potential partner? Or do you consider how they magnify or dull the radiance of your own best qualities?
Relationship Success Is Predictable
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Being successful in relationships (in anything, really) is simple: just make the right decision at every turn.
One of the delights of my career has been meeting people who can actually do this. And here's what differentiates really good decision-makers from the rest of us. Pattern recognition.
Some people just seem to have a knack for getting what they want out of life. But it's not just luck. These people have learned to recognize patterns.
And when you can see patterns unfolding around you, it's almost as if you've been given the ability to predict the future.
So I'll say it again. What separates exceptional decision-makers from the rest of us is pattern recognition. This is the ability to see patterns. Patterns that give you the power to see the invisible framework that causes things to happen.
I'll show you how this applies to your relationship in just a minute. But first, take a moment to recognize something important. People use pattern recognition all the time.
What makes a high school student the star football quarterback? It's his ability to almost instantly recognize patterns on the field and make split-second decisions based on pattern recognition.
What allows a world-renowned physician to make a diagnosis that others missed? He hears the same list of symptoms, but his deeper knowledge of an illness allows him to spot patterns other doctors didn't recognize.
How did you learn to change the route you drive to work depending on the time of day? You noticed traffic patterns that allow you to avoid congestion and take alternate routes.
Here's the point. Pattern recognition allows you to get more of what you want.
The ability to spot emerging patterns in your relationship may be the most critical skill of all.
It's not experience. It's not memory. It's not intelligence.
It's pattern recognition. Because it allows you to create your own luck.
But here's the really interesting thing. You can deliberately improve your pattern recognition to get much better results in your relationships.
And perhaps the easiest way to do so is to study the patterns other people
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have already discovered. It works better and faster than trial and error.
The fact is, you already use pattern recognition all the time. Without even realizing it, you combine past experiences, intuition, and common sense to predict what will happen next. And you can do so with a fair degree of accuracy.
The problem is, much of your intuition and common sense is gender-specific. Meaning it is based on your own personal experiences in relationships as a woman. So it often fails you when you try to understand and predict what a person of the opposite gender is thinking and feeling.
That's where I can help.
Pattern recognition can be learned. It's a skill you can keep getting better at for the rest of your life. A great place to start is by learning to spot the patterns other people have already identified.
This stretches your mind in a good way. It causes your mind to start recognizing other patterns that are more subtle and unique to your relationship.
Let's take a look at three relationship patterns. I've specifically selected these patterns for women who want to get more romantic investment from a man. Think of these patterns as male attraction triggers.
The 3 Patterns That Unlock His Passion and Romantic Desire I'm going to show you three patterns that affect how people think and feel.
As you'll see for yourself, each of these patterns is very simple. There's no rocket science here.
In fact, the first one applies to both men and women. So you'll probably recognize this first pattern from your personal experience. But the second two patterns have to do with the way men experience relationships and emotion differently.
All three of the following patterns build on each other. They become something that is greater than the sum of their parts. Stick with me and you'll develop a very useful insight about the way the man in your life thinks and feels.
The Happiness Pattern
People are happiest when making progress.
And it doesn't matter how tiny or incremental your progress is. As long as
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you feel like you're making progress, your brain is designed to release feelings of happiness. It's like a built-in reward system designed to keep you interested when something seems to be working.
And the funny thing is, progress is more important than goal attainment.
In other words, people are happier when they are making progress toward a goal than they are after having achieved the goal.
Yes, there's always a little feeling of celebration after you reach a goal.
And that glow of positivity can stick with you for a few hours or a few days, depending on how important the milestone.
But in the end, that positive feeling fades. Because you get used to your new circumstance.
But happy feelings will return as soon as you set a new goal and start making progress again.
Have you noticed this pattern in your own moods? Many people don't notice it. But numerous psychological studies have proven this to be a very reliable pattern for predicting human happiness.
If you want to be happy, set a goal, and make it a very small goal. Go for incremental progress.
Young children play computer games because of the way these games regularly deliver a sense of satisfaction. And that satisfaction comes from making regular progress. They make progress by getting from one level to another, by gaining points, or by winning small battles.
In fact, this is why the modern era has seen the emergence of a new form of addiction: video game addiction.
Video games are designed to deliver little doses of happiness. Because there's always a little goal right in front of you. The rewards may be tiny, but they are nearly continuous.
Now consider this. Society and genetics have wired men to pursue achievement as a way of gaining approval. And that partly explains why a man only feels happy if he's making incremental progress toward a goal.
This is why many women have successfully used the "playing hard to get"
strategy. They entice a man with the hunt, tapping into his instinctual drive to pursue something just out of reach.
But how does it all end? What happens once he finally captures your love and affection? Sadly, the intensity of the relationship often fades.
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Now here's the good news. There is a never-ending way to engage your man's drive to pursue you. And we'll come back to that in just a minute.
But first, let's examine another pattern.
Man on a Mission
If a guy has feelings for you, he's going to want to make you happy. But there's a problem with that.
The goal is too vague. And he's not exactly sure how to accomplish it.
Plus, guys aren't that good at predicting what will actually make you happy. Because their pattern recognition mostly tells them what makes a guy happy. They don't have very sophisticated models when it comes to the opposite gender.
As a result, men often feel frustrated in romantic relationships. Sometimes they get grumpy with you as if it's your fault they can't make you happy.
He's frustrated because he's not getting the little jolts of happiness that come from making progress.
Imagine a 14-year-old girl fleeing a war-torn country. She's alone, and she only has a few possessions in the small backpack she carries with her.
Imagine her plight as she tries to figure out what to do upon arriving alone in a foreign country.
Now try to imagine the plight of millions of people fleeing from a war-torn nation. It's not quite as easy, is it? And I bet you don't feel the same tug of empathy on your heart when you try to imagine millions of people, do you?
Why is that? It's because our capacity for feeling empathy declines as our ability to offer meaningful help declines.
This is a pattern of the human mind. A psychological effect called
"compassion collapse."
And here's why it's important. This phenomenon is much stronger for men. Because men are naturally less empathetic than women to start with.
Here's the pattern I want you to recognize...
A man will drift toward not caring unless you trigger his empathy. And you can trigger his empathy by giving him ways to please you that are specific, concrete, and easy to picture in his mind.
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Doing so triggers feelings of happiness, because now it feels like he's making progress. He'll feel excited about the relationship he's building with you. He will feel more emotionally invested.
Now let me put this in perspective for you. The truth is, men enjoy being on a mission, no matter how small. So you don't need to think up some elaborate plot to activate his mission-focused energy.
A problem can be very insignificant, but still trigger his mission-focused instincts. Lest you think I'm exaggerating, let me share an example of just how insignificant a mission can be while still bringing about a change in male behavior.
First, some background information. "Splash back" is the technical term for the mess men leave behind as urine splashes out of urinals and ends up on the floor and walls of a bathroom. As you can probably imagine, splash back is the bane of every custodian's existence.
In fact, that's probably what inspired Jos Van Bedaf, a custodian in Amsterdam's Shiphol Airport, to do a little experiment. He had the idea to put a small decal with a picture of a fly in each of the urinals, to create a sort of "target practice" for the men using them.
Did it work? You bet. It cut the amount of splash back in half. Some estimates say it reduces splash back by 80%. All because they gave men a target to aim for.
Would it have worked to just nicely ask men to aim more carefully? No.
Because it would not have triggered his mission-oriented brain to care.
And apparently, the fly picture is particularly effective as a target, because men see it as something unsanitary and unconsciously think a stream of pee will kill it. Guys always respond well to the opportunity to be on a mission.
I know this example is a little gross. Sorry about that. But I shared it because it's also kind of funny. Particularly because I know it would work on me.
Plus, this example illustrates a broader truth about how men think and react. Show a man any kind of target, and he'll feel eager to prove his worth. Just make sure it's a target he can easily see and understand.
Watch for this pattern in the man you love. Once you begin to look for it, you'll see it all the time. You'll begin to recognize how powerfully it impacts his choices and motivates his behavior. He wants to be on a mission.
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Does it influence his relationship with you? You bet! And that's why I want to show you one more secret about how the male mind works.
The Attraction Trip-Wire That Awakens a Man's Deepest Longing for Love
Trip Wire: "A hidden trigger that sets off one or more explosive events."
Deep within the heart of every man is an intense longing to be someone's hero.
This longing has ancient origins.
You see, the cause of this longing is written into the very fabric of his DNA. And there it lies, dormant... until one day, the right trigger unleashes its power.
I'd like to show you how to become that trigger, and how to awaken the full force of your man's bonding instinct.
The Power Of Story
But first, a story. It's the story of human connection.
Before we can care deeply about someone, we must know something about their life story. Because stories evoke empathy. Stories allow us to picture ourselves in someone else's shoes.
Stories form the foundation of all human connection. They create the sensation of one shared life experience.
It's strange, but true, that we can even find ourselves rooting for thieves and criminals as long as we see their story unfold. Movies like Ocean's Eleven and The Italian Job illustrate this well.
In the movie Ocean's Eleven, actors George Clooney, Brad Pitt, and Matt Damon make for a cast of likable thieves. But beyond their good looks, we get pulled into the story.
We discover what's driving Danny Ocean's motivation to rob a casino. A casino that just happens to be owned by his ex-wife's new lover.
We can empathize with Danny Ocean's pain. And by the end of the movie, we are actually rooting for him to get away with it. To steal the money and disappear into the sunset with his ex-wife Tess by his side.
Perhaps stranger still is the way we respond to fiction in the first place. A skilled novelist can have me on the edge of my seat, rooting for a person
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who doesn't even exist in real life.
Literary critics may scoff, but I actually liked the Twilight series by Stephanie Meyer. I think my hand was actually trembling from adrenaline as the Volturi began to march across the field, intent on destroying Bella's daughter.
But wait, that's all make-believe. So how could it cause a physical reaction in my body?
The answer, of course, is the power of story.
Since ancient times, stories have been the primary means by which humans communicated important information. Because of that, our minds are literally wired for story.
Stories influence our emotions. They are at the heart of communication.
Allowing us to feel connected to each other.
When I reach the end of my life, I know which people I will want by my side. It will be those who have witnessed my life story.
The friendly, pretty nurse may be a wonderful person. But if she is a stranger to me, it doesn't matter what positive attributes she has. I will still feel alone. Because she does not know my story, and I do not know hers.
Knowing this instinctively, she will expend great effort to quickly summon my friends and family. The people who know my story.
To trigger a man's deepest feelings of attraction, you need to become a special part of his story. You do that by revealing your needs and allowing him to help you meet them. Why? Because it triggers his hero instinct.
Here's the formula for triggering a man's hero instinct: Story + Need = Activated Hero Instinct.
A man's hero instinct compels him to seek a relationship that lets him take on the role of a provider. That's why guys fall for women who know how to trigger this attraction tripwire.
It sets off a series of reactions in his emotional world. It makes him happy in a way that's hard for women to understand. Because they do not share his deeply rooted instinct to become someone's hero.
Many women are vaguely aware of a man's desire to see himself as a provider. They understand, for example, why he may become depressed and pull away from others during a period of unemployment.
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But these same women fail to recognize the power of the opposite effect...
Make a man feel like your hero, and you unleash his desire to commit to something more. He can't help it. He just starts to see you differently.
It's as if your relationship unlocks a version of himself he has always longed for. It feels right in a way he can't put into words.
It unleashes his protective instincts, the noble aspects of his masculinity, and, most importantly, his deepest feelings of love and attraction.
If that sounds good to you, click here to learn more about this relationship enhancement tool. It's something you can learn once, but then use for the rest of your life.
You already have needs and desires. Why not learn how to translate those desires into requests that trigger his hero instinct?
Then relax into the warmth and passion he is only capable of showing to a woman who has triggered his hero instinct. A woman who knows exactly how to become the central character in his emotional world.
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Ready to put this idea to use? Great! Because I've recorded an online video to show you a set of triggers you can use to get explosive results with this one simple technique. Click here now to see for yourself.
After watching this video, many women are surprised to learn a man can actually feel more deeply in love when he feels more deeply needed. That seems strange, doesn't it? And yet that is the reality for men.
Many of us have a tendency to buy gifts of the sort we would like to receive ourselves. It can be like that with love. We try to love our partner the way we want to be loved.
So you make him feel special. Yet he seems unaffected by that. You speak your own native love language to him. Apparently, he speaks another.
But I'm here to tell you about one incredible, universal method you can use to grab his attention by triggering his hero instinct.
Click here now to discover an unfair advantage that works with all men, in every phase of life. Help him finally see you as the one.
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How to Fascinate a guy who thinks he's not ready for a relationship How To Become Suddenly Significant
You know the cliche. Men don't like commitment.
Chances are, you've dated a guy who seemed to fit this cliche. You've probably asked yourself why this happens. And you've probably wondered if it's even possible to get a man to want commitment as much as you do.
In this report, I'm going to show you how to reverse a man's resistance to commitment. And I'm going to show you how to do it by triggering a basic male instinct he simply can't ignore.
There are specific reasons men avoid commitment. Discover what they are, and you gain the power to transform the way he sees you in his life.
Before we dive into that though, I want to talk a bit about other articles you may have read on this topic.
You've probably seen headlines like, "The Real Reason He Won't Commit" or "Six Signs He'll Never Commit." These types of articles are everywhere. And they tend to say things like, "he's not ready to settle down," "he wants to play the field," and "he's just not that into you."
Now there are definitely "players" out there. Men who just want someone they can hook up with. Someone who won't get in the way of their desire to live free and do whatever they want.
I can't help you with those men.
If a guy flat out tells you he just wants to see you casually. Or you know he's seeing other women and has no desire to stop. Well, you're probably better off investing your relationship energy elese where.
The things I'm going to teach you are designed to attract a particular type of man. The kind of man who is destined to make you happy.
Let me illustrate with an example.
The Guy Who Kept Pulling Away
There's a couple I know who used to have a problem. We'll call them Jack and Jill.
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Jack and Jill had been seeing each other for a while. Whenever they were together, you could tell they were really into each other.
There was the typical passion that comes with the honeymoon stage of any relationship. But there was also a specific type of sweetness.
They cared about each other. They were invested in each other. There was real love there.
But whenever Jill tried to take things to the "next level," Jack pulled away.
He didn't do this in an obvious, straightforward way. There was no conversation where he told her that he wasn't ready. Or that he wanted to keep his options open.
Instead, he'd smile and nod when she brought it up, then change the subject at the first opportunity. Or he'd suddenly become less available to hang out for a few days. Or weeks.
If Jill ever pushed him on the topic, he said of course he wanted more. But his actions pointed in the opposite direction.
Jill didn't know what to do.
"Is he lying to me?" she asked. "Is he just stringing me along?"
I didn't think so, so I asked her to tell me more about Jack. I knew he was in his late-20s. And that he was just finishing up his residency at a hospital. A nice guy. Funny. Smart. Rolled his eyes at Grey's Anatomy, but liked Scrubs. A walking Star Trek encyclopedia.
But I needed more insight about Jack.
Jill told me he was grounded. Someone who plans and budgets. A good enough listener to remember her love of an obscure comedian and get them tickets when he was in town. And he was working hard on his first draft of a sci-fi novel.
"No," I told her. "I don't think he's just stringing you along."
"Then what is it?" she asked.
"I think he's a Prince," I said. He hasn't built his kingdom yet.
She was just as confused as you probably are.
Jack's seeming inability to commit had to do with the inherent need all men have to be a hero. Allow me to explain.
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What the Hero Instinct Has to Do with "Not Being Ready" for a Relationship
You may have heard about the Hero Instinct before. Just in case though, here's a quick explanation.
This instinct is a drive every man has. It comes from our distant past. It is rooted in a man's DNA.
We can't control it. Most men are barely even aware of it. Not on a conscious level, at least.
The Hero Instinct is what drove early men to test themselves against wild animals three times their size. And ten times as strong.
It has driven men to war. To scientific discovery. To publish books of poetry. To climb mountains.
It's an innate desire to accomplish things.
But it's not just about accomplishing things. There's a reason men are driven by the hero instinct:
It makes us feel alive.
For men, this type of achievement brings catharsis. Fulfillment. Meaning.
It allows us to define ourselves. To feel pride. To feel worthy.
And it's not just accomplishing the goal that matters either.
Having a heroic "mission" causes men to feel needed. To feel irreplaceable. Like they're the only man for the job.
Perhaps you're starting to see how this might relate to getting a man to commit. But don't worry if it's still a little fuzzy. I'm going to lay it out clearly.
Here's what you need to know about the Hero Instinct in regards to a man
"not being ready" to commit.
For a man to be able to commit, he needs to be able to open up and connect. This is not easy for most of us. We're just not wired to be emotionally accessible in that way.
Unless we feel like we are engaging in a heroic act.
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Something about pursuing a "heroic" goal cuts through our emotional walls. We lower them to accomplish the mission.
Which makes us vulnerable.
And that makes it the perfect way to connect with a man. To hook a man.
Engage a man in acts of heroism, and he'll feel drawn to you. Invested in you.
For an act to be "heroic" to a man, it must involve one of three things: 1. Achieving something
2. Protecting someone
3. Earning someone's respect
If a man can do two or more of these things at the same time, all the better.
But it's not just individual acts of "heroism" that motivate men. Every man also has a sort of "heroic journey" that he goes on.
This journey has three distinct stages: Knight, Prince, and King. When I called Jack a "Prince", I was telling Jill that he was in this stage of his heroic journey.
Men in the Prince stage of their heroic journey have a strong desire to accomplish things. Usually things related to work.
In Jack's case, he wasn't just finishing up his residency to become a doctor. He was trying to define his place in society by achieving something.
These things matter in relation to his desire to commit. Because men tend to feel like they have to achieve something before they're "worthy" of settling down. They have to complete their mission, achieve something of significance, earn a reputation, or build a legacy.
When Jack pulled away from Jill's attempts to get closer, this was likely the reason. He wanted to be able to say, "I'm the guy who did X. That's why I'm worthy of Jill's love. And that's why I can now settle down and relax into a relationship."
To be clear, this is not a conscious desire. If asked, Jack would probably have no idea about this motivation.
The closest he might come is a sort of guilty admission that he doesn't feel like he has really accomplished anything yet. Or that he's afraid he won't be able to meet Jill's expectations.
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So that's the first way the Hero Instinct can impact commitment. The feeling men have that certain things must be accomplished before they're
"ready."
Not being "ready" also has a secondary meaning though.
At its heart, the Hero Instinct is about winning.
You've probably noticed that most guys care a lot more about "winning"
than most women do. Men avoid things they can't win at.
When we take steps to achieve our "heroic" goals, those are little "wins"
along the way. Tiny accomplishments that provide us with a rush of pleasure and excitement. These experiments make us feel alive.
Imagine a video game where a hero must defeat the big bad guy to save the day. Video games like this are the ultimate manifestation of the heroic journey.
There's always a big, ultimate goal at the very end. Beat the bad guy. Save the world. Rescue the princess.
But there are also always smaller achievements along the way. Things like getting through a difficult level. Beating a bad guy of lesser importance.
Gaining some kind of power-up.
These little checkpoints of achievement are not there just to keep the story interesting. Heck, lots of early games barely had a story.
Here's why they're really there: to keep us playing.
The game designers created rewards to keep people playing.
Accomplishing one of these minor achievements provides that rush of pleasure and excitement.
Men desperately crave the rush of achievement. The experience of winning.
But there's a flipside to this desire. If a man does not see a way to "win" at something, he will do whatever he can to avoid it.
This applies to relationships, too.
If he's not at a place in his life where he feels like a "winner," he will also likely feel that he's "not ready."
What You Can Do to Combat "Not Ready" Syndrome
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Here's the thing. If women waited for men to fully satisfy their Heroic Instinct, no one would ever find true love or get married. No one would settle down.
Or at the very least, they wouldn't do so until middle age. Because that's when most men reach the third and final stage of the Heroic Journey, the King stage.
"Kings" reevaluate what really matters in life and tend to care a lot more about finding someone to share the bounty of their success with. In the king phase of life, a man wants to share his experience and resources with others. He wants to be appreciated for what he has to offer.
Typically, men in the king phase of life feel ready to settle into a relationship.
Obviously, though, there are plenty of people who find each other and settle into a life together much earlier than this.
I'm going to show you how you can be one of those people.
You will do it by making yourself a part of his heroic journey. Not just a part - the most fun, most exciting part!
Here's how: you teach him that he can win at your relationship.
By that, I do not mean that you should bow down to his every whim. I do not mean that you should defer to him in disagreements.
A successful, happy, long-lasting relationship is a relationship of equals.
In fact, if you do a good job of helping him "win," he'll actually be working harder to meet your needs. And he'll be doing it gladly.
That's because "winning" in a relationship means something closer to the video game analogy I made earlier.
What you need to do is fairly straightforward. But not necessarily easy.
1. Create opportunities for him to meet your needs and make you happy.
2. When he meets these needs, show him appreciation for what he's done.
At the core, all you're really doing is giving him positive reinforcement when he acts in a way that makes you happy.
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Just like a video game, you're providing small achievements along that way. And you're giving him that rush of pleasure and excitement when he succeeds.
You're using simple behavioral conditioning.
But it's not quite so simple.
He has to feel appreciation for "winning" at the types of things that matter to him.
You can't, for example, shower him with appreciation for letting you vent about your day and expect to give him that special "winning" feeling.
Because men just aren't wired to understand the value of that.
Women tend to experience gratification and validation from a direct emotional connection like this. Men - not so much.
It doesn't give us the same kind of "charge."
And that's the reason why so many men struggle with just listening to someone talk about their problems as an end rather than a means to an end.
Let me show you what I mean with a quick example: REBECCA: You are not going to believe what Sara just said to me.
ART: What?
REBECCA: That I was never going to get ahead with my "attitude"!
ART: Sara said that?
REBECCA: She sure did.
Here's the reaction that Rebecca wants:
ART: What a jerk!
REBECCA: I know, right?
ART: Where does she get off saying something like that to you?
REBECCA: I've got half a mind to tell her to go shove it.
ART: You're not going to get ahead? She's been in the same assistant position for 15 years!
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ART: The nerve of some people.
Because all Rebecca really wants is a sounding board. Someone to share her frustrations with so she can blow off steam.
Unfortunately, this is closer to what Art would probably say in reality: REBECCA: You are not going to believe what Sara just said to me.
ART: Why? What did she say?
REBECCA: That I was never going to get ahead with my "attitude"!
ART: Sara said that?
REBECCA: She sure did.
ART: That's not okay.
REBECCA: Obviously.
ART: You should go to HR and complain.
REBECCA: Huh?
ART: She can't talk to you that way. HR will set her straight.
REBECCA: I don't care about setting her straight.
ART: Well, you should, or she'll just keep doing it.
REBECCA: Why are we talking about this?
ART: You brought it up.
REBECCA: To vent. I didn't ask for advice!
ART: Geez, sorry.
When presented with a problem, men tend to push toward concrete solutions. Guys don't see the "point" of simply listening, so we turn it into a problem-solving exercise.
Most women have been involved in some version of this frustrating scenario with a guy at some point or another. It's annoying. It's hurtful. It makes you feel alone, like he doesn't get you.
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But he doesn't mean it that way. It's his way of trying to "win" at your problem. We can't help ourselves.
When we're in a relationship with someone, it's often worse. Because we care more deeply. So we want to feel useful. We want to prove our worth.
Here's the thing: you want to give your guy the feeling that he's "winning"
in his relationship with you. Because when he feels like he's winning, he'll be invested. He'll be happier. He'll want to make you happier.
He may even be willing to learn how to just listen to you vent.
But you're not there yet. To get there, you need to help him feel like he's winning.
That means getting him to help you with the types of things that feel significant to a man. The types of things he understands intuitively.
In other words, problems that are physical. Problems that have concrete solutions. Problems that he can help you solve with his manliness.
These problems don't have to be difficult or complex. He just has to believe he's helping you when he solves them.
Some examples of problems he can solve to let him "win" at the relationship include:
1. Opening a jar
2. Giving you a lift to the airport
3. Checking for a slow leak in your tire.
4. Killing a spider under your desk.
5. Offering an opinion on some topic where he has expertise.
As you can see, these are fairly simple. Even cliche.
Will he notice this? Will he care? No. That doesn't matter in the slightest.
The only prerequisite is that a problem needs to be solvable in a concrete way.
What matters a whole lot more is how you respond. Namely, when he succeeds at helping you, it is vital that you show him how much you appreciate it.
Because your appreciation is his reward. It's what makes him get that
"winning" feeling from helping you.
When he feels that way, it's like he has a purpose. He experiences fulfillment in the relationship.
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This, as you might imagine, is a very good thing.
Let's look at a couple of examples of this - good and bad.
Erica is calling Damian.
DAMIAN: Hey, what's up?
ERICA: Slight problem for tonight.
DAMIAN: Oh, no. What?
ERICA: I meant to get tickets before leaving work, but I forgot. And by the time I get home, they're bound to be sold out.
At this point, the conversation can go one of three ways.
BAD VERSION 1
ERICA: I meant to get tickets before leaving work, but I forgot. And by the time I get home, they're bound to be sold out. All because of my stupid boss! I was about to do it, but she tossed a last-minute assignment at me at the end of the day, and I got distracted. She's been doing that more and more lately. It's really frustrating.
DAMIAN: That sucks. But I'm actually home, so I could get on my computer and solve our little problem right now.
ERICA: What are you talking about?
DAMIAN: Um, the tickets?
ERICA: Are you even listening to me, I'm talking about the way boss has been treating me.
Hopefully, it's obvious why this one is bad.
Erica's not really calling about the tickets at all. She's just using it as an excuse to get emotional support so she can survive the day at work. All she really wants is for Damian to make her feel supported and loved.
She's making two mistakes here.
First, as I said above, this is not something that will make Damian feel like he's "winning" at the relationship. So if that's even part of her intent, she's
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Second, she brought up the tickets. That's the "real" problem to Damian.
But she only brought them up as a way to talk about her boss drama.
Damian is not just distracted by those tickets. He's focused on them.
Why? Because that is a problem he can solve. It's a way he can win.
She may not see it. But he is drawn toward the solvable part of the problem the same way a moth is drawn to an open flame.
Not Great VERSION
ERICA: I meant to get tickets before leaving work, but I forgot. And by the time I get home, they're bound to be sold out. It's so annoying. I can't believe I screwed up our plans.
DAMIAN: Well, you know, it doesn't have to be screwed up.
ERICA: What do you mean?
DAMIAN: I have a computer right in front of me. I can get tickets now.
ERICA: Oh my gosh, could you? That would be amazing.
DAMIAN: Yeah, don't worry about it. It's really no problem.
Initially, this doesn't seem bad at all. There's a concrete problem that she mentions. He solves it. She shows appreciation.
But she didn't use the full potential of this opportunity to trigger his hero instinct. Because she never asked for his help.
That matters. Asking is part of what tells him that she values him.
Moreover, that she believes he can solve the problem.
He basically has to wave his arms and say, "Hey, I'm right here! Pick me!"
Here's what she could have done to trigger his hero instinct more powerfully:
GOOD VERSION
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ERICA: I meant to get tickets before leaving work, but I forgot. And by the time I get home, they're bound to be sold out. I was feeling down about it, but then I realized you might be able to rescue me. I really need your help. Could you get them?
DAMIAN: Opening the website right now.
ERICA: I knew I picked you for a reason.
DAMIAN: And... purchased.
ERICA: You are amazing. Thank you!
In short, the right way to help your guy "win" at the relationship is to: Present a problem with a concrete solution.
Ask him to help with that problem.
Show appreciation for his help.
Then repeat, repeat, repeat. That's the formula.
Of course, that's just one real-world example of the kind of problem you want to ask your guy to solve. There are countless variations.
In His Secret Obsession, I cover more of these ideas and examples. And I take you on a journey into the male, so you can see how he experiences relationships.
I think you'll be surprised by just how many opportunities there are to trigger a man's hero instinct.
But the example above should be a good starting point.
When he learns that he can "win" at the relationship, it alleviates the feeling that he is "not ready" to invest more deeply.
Because remember what was holding him back? He wanted to achieve something. To get a feeling that he has proven himself as a man.
He thought those achievements had to come from outside the relationship.
But you're showing him that is simply not true.
He can achieve in the relationship. And this causes him to like how he feels when he's around you.
Don't Just Help Him Win - Build a Heroic Journey Helping him "win" at your relationship is a great start.
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The positive feedback he receives will keep him hooked. It will keep him coming back for more.
But the relationship will likely still feel separate from his "real" purpose.
From the goals he feels he needs to achieve. From his Heroic Journey.
That is, unless you turn the relationship into the most significant adventure of his life. This is one of the first steps in becoming His Secret Obsession.
Remember, at the heart of every Heroic Journey is a goal. To achieve something. To protect someone. To earn someone's respect.
Men can't help but be motivated by these things. They get hooked. They want something to work toward. A goal they can strive to achieve.
Typically, this results in a "grass is always greener" outlook. What they don't have is far more exciting than what they do have.
To put it bluntly, it's a big reason why men stray.
But you can channel this desire for something more. You can channel it back into your relationship. And it's not that difficult.
Consider what a "grass is always greener" outlook is about at its core.
Desire. Hopes. Dreams.
If he doesn't have something to hope and dream about in his life with you, he will find it elsewhere. And then he will embark on a "journey" to achieve those hopes and dreams.
A journey that might involve you being left behind.
Unless you channel those desires. Unless you make your future together the "greener grass" he can seek.
Here's how: deliberately hope and dream together.
You do this by regularly setting goals you want to meet as a couple.
Said in such a dry, straightforward way, that probably sounds really boring. But trust me it won't be.
Allow me to elaborate.
In his heart of hearts, there are many things your man cares deeply about.
I'm talking about very strong desires. Desires he doesn't share many people. He may not even consciously understand some of his own deep desires.
But pursuing these things can make him feel truly alive. Happy.
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The specifics are different for every man.
Your guy might feel a deep need for his own space away from it all. A house in the country where he has total control over his domain. Where neighbors are a mile away.
Or he could hunger for freedom from responsibility and the time to do what he wants.
Maybe he wants to go places. See new things. Explore. Experience the world.
Whatever really matters to him, it's your job to discover it. And there are methods to do just that.
I explore these methods in His Secret Obsession, a relationship course I created to help women. Because you can't really tie your relationship to his journey until you uncover the things he cares about most.
They are your window into his world. Into what makes him tick. Into what motivates him at the center of his being.
For the sake of this report, though, we're going to jump past that. We're going to assume that you know at least one desire that energizes him.
Here's how you pair that knowledge with goal-setting to really win his heart.
Let's say he wants something relatively simple: more time to do what he wants.
In that case, sit down and talk about specific things both of you can do to help him achieve this goal.
First, list all the time-consuming tasks each of you do. Cleaning the house or apartment. Mowing the lawn. Driving to work. Filing taxes.
Brainstorm ways to trade money for time. Could you pay someone to take a few time-sucking tasks off your plates?
Determine whether it's worth it. Take it seriously. Calculate how much time each task takes. And how much someone would charge.
Time is one of the few things you can't get more of in life. Finding ways to free up more of your time can create an amazing feeling of happiness.
Especially if it's one of his deepest desires.
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You may notice that I suggested listing all the tasks each of you do.
Here's why.
I want you to free up time on both of your schedules. Not because you expect him to spend all his newfound free time on you. And not because you're going to try to talk him into it either.
But because if you're free, too, he can spend more time with you. And if you're doing a good job helping him get that winning-at-life feeling, he won't need convincing to do so. He'll want more time around you.
It's also important to try to look at this in a big picture way.
So far, the things I've written about are represent small steps toward a long term goal. Incremental progress is important. But there's something else to consider.
Having a big, ultimate goal at the end of the rainbow is very important. It bonds you together in a special way. Because it links your future with his.
For the couple that wants more time, this ultimate goal might be a goal-date when you'll plan to take off an entire year to sail the caribbean together.
Or it might be the point in time when you have reduced debt enough to pay off a shared residence and take semi-retirement early.
The point is that you want to actively engage him in discussion of his dreams and desires. And then treat those goals as if they are a perfectly natural part of your shared relationship. Because making each other happy should be a big part of what you do for someone you love.
By doing all of this, you are turning your relationship (and therefore yourself!) into the most significant part of his Heroic Journey.
You're showing him that he can go on a Heroic Journey with you. That you want to be his partner. That being with you will actually help him to become the hero he secretly wants to be.
And you can bet he'll be "ready" for that!
In fact, he won't just be ready... he'll be fascinated. He won't be able to get enough of the rush you provide him.
And this is just the tip of the iceberg. There are so many more ways you can tap into his Heroic Instinct. There is so much more you can do to become his secret obsession.
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Interested in learning more? Then please check out my relationship guide,
His Secret Obsession. It's a guide to the journey you're on with your man.
And I'd love to share with you.
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