Chapter 4 - Kisses for carpets

Kate was late and I was dead tired, so I had gone to bed. I woke up because someone was screaming downstairs. I was fairly sure it was her, but not so sure what type of screams these were. She then thundered up the stairs, which I took as a bad sign. The bedroom door flung open and she launched herself from the doorway, onto the bed and therefore onto me. Then she peppered me with kisses, which was the moment when I was sure she liked it.

“YOU ARE SUCH AN AMAZING MAN!” She literally cried tears of joy.

“Hey, there are people trying to sleep,” I joked. And then I couldn't say much because every square inch of my face and forehead that wasn't my mouth, plus a few sections of what technically was my mouth, was kissed as if she were a label stamper on a conveyor belt. In between each kiss she managed to fit a word: “You mwah are mwah the mwah greatest mwah brother mwah a mwah girl mwah could mwah ever mwah have mwah it mwah looks mwah fantastic mwah even mwah the mwah curtains mwah how mwah did mwah you mwah do mwah that? mwah mwah mwah.”

“You might also want to try the shower,” I grinned. My face was a bit damp and salty now, but that was fine. In fact, it was quite nice.

“REALLY!? You are a wizard!” She got up from the bed and started to undress where she stood, which was fine until she was down to her underwear. But at that point she moved to the bathroom and I could hear her climbing in the tub and turning on the new mixer tap.

“NEW TAP!” she shouted. “Oooooh hot water! And so much of it!”

I got up out of bed and followed her. I wasn't there to look at her, but just wanted to be near enough so she wouldn't have to shout, as she was obviously not bothered by the fact it was night. On the other hand, I now knew the house to our right was empty and to the left was where Harry lived, who would surely understand what the screaming was about. Still, after having put in so much effort, can you fault me for wanting to bask a bit in her enthusiasm?

The bathroom door was wide open, but she was behind a curtain.

“New curtain!” she screamed.

The previous one was a nasty sheet of plastic with a print that hippies from the seventies would have found garish. This one was mostly white, with a bird motif. Fifteen pounds, two minute job. Cleaning the rail with degreaser and polishing it up had made it look brand new.

“I'm here, I can hear you.”

“Oooooh this is suddenly the best shower ever,” she moaned. “Is that a new shower head? Does it come off? I really like shower heads that come off. A lot.”

“No, that is your old shower head after 24 hours in vinegar,” I laughed. It was fantastic to see her so happy. But suddenly her face appeared from behind the curtain and suddenly she didn't look very happy at all.

“How much did you spend?” she demanded.

“On vinegar?” I teased.

“On the lot! How much!”

“Look, just enjoy it. You didn't ask for most of this so tomorrow we'll sit down and...”

“HOW! MUCH!”

Lying about it would be stupid.

“Around 2200 euros.”

Now we'd have it. I was going to offer to pay half. A few things were desperately needed repairs, it was only fair she paid for those. But she hadn't asked me to put a new worktop in her kitchen, so...

“You're lying,” she said, appearing from behind the curtain but still looking very angry.

“Am not,” I said, turning sideways as more and more of her came into view. “I did try to cut costs, but...”

“There is no fucking way you did all this for two grand. There's new carpeting EVERYWHERE! You fixed my windows! There is a freakin' GRANITE COUNTERTOP!”

She was now standing at the end of the bath, where the curtain didn't reach. She was naked, wet and soapy.

“Marble, actually” I said, now facing the door.

“Look at me! You lying fuck!”

“You're um...” I reminded her. I heard the squeaking sounds of bare feet in a bath so I assumed she had retreated back behind the curtain. But Kate had actually stepped out of the tub and slung her arms around my neck, trying some sort of chokehold. Now she is all of 1.60 metres which puts me somewhat out of her reach, but she very easily forced me to the ground by forcefully jabbing her toes into my the back of my knee. I sank down and she climbed on my back. I felt her breasts pushing against me and her mouth was next to my ear. The shower was still running. Even though the door was open, the room was getting foggy: that door wasn't very wide and she was no longer in the habit of pulling the chain to start the outside fan, as the water hadn't been very warm lately.

“You listen up. I make a metric fuckton of money. I do not need my brother, who has just had his ass reamed by his vicious bitch of an ex-wife, to pay for my shower taps and whatever else you've bought. I want a fully … sit still!”

I wasn't really moving all that much, worried she would slip and fall. But she seemed to think I was planning to escape, so she slung her left arm around my stomach, which made it harder to breathe in that warm room.

“I want an itemised bill, do you understand? And for every damned thing that you don't write down a reasonable amount for, I am going to come up with something myself and double it and just transfer it into your account. So you better...”

“I get it,” I said, breaking her grip and getting up. I didn't look behind me. “I'll get you those numbers, but I'm getting out of here before this turns into sexual assault.”

And with that, I left the bathroom and closed the door behind me. Oh great, another great big throbbing boner to get rid of, preferably as soon as possible.

She seemed to be making up for a few weeks of cold showers, so I had enough time to get out my laptop, find something smutty and deal with the matter at hand. Or in hand, to be precise. I'm not that big on internet porn, mainly because if you watch too much of it you begin to believe the world is in fact filled with willing women, whereas in my experience it is anything but. And that is just depressing.

It is my firm belief that women don't like sex. They will claim to like it, much the same way that job applicants claim to love nothing more than getting up early and doing lots of boring paperwork for someone else, preferably as team players in dynamic environments. Nobody likes that, but most of us are prepared to do it in exchange for money. And so it is with women and sex. They don't want it, they don't need it. But they understand that sex can be converted into goods and services from men. Sometimes even directly into cash donations. And so they suck and they fuck until the precise terms of the unwritten contract have been met and send you on your way. Women have nice bodies and breasts and legs and all the rest of it, but they just don't care. If I were a girl, I'd spend all day every day masturbating in front of a mirror. They don't, they have stuff to be getting on with, men to abuse in some form or another. Women like children, dressing up, buying stuff and judging other people. They do not like sex. Don't ever let them tell you otherwise. They might like masturbation, I'm not entirely sure. Some say they do but most claim they don't, probably because they haven't figured out a way to extort themselves for doing it.

Perhaps that was because, when I did look at online porn, I tended to seek out clips in the 'humiliation' category. Not male humiliation, that sickened me. I can't see a gimp mask without getting an instinctive desire to wail on it with a baseball bat. I also detest the 'clothed females nude male' genre. What I search for, in my dark hours of need, are scenes where women are used purely as sperm receptacles or sometimes even tied up and fucked. If they cry, so much the better. I recently found a subcategory of women being forced to lick toilet seats and bathroom floors. Neither one of these things turn me on, licking and dirt I mean, but seeing these women with their heads pushed against the floor and tear-streaked mascara helped a tiny little bit to numb the stabbing, throbbing pain from a thousand cumulative paper cuts that women in my life have left on my soul.

There are only two women I hold blameless: my dear old mother, who is in her sixties now, and Kate. I'm also disregarding women I've had no interest in, such as aunties, my dentist or shop assistants, but I do count classmates, colleagues, employees and the like. Anyone who, even if only in theory, could have done at least something to restore my faith in that gender. You may think Annabelle came a long way, but she was actually one of the worst ones: coming on to me when she was drunk, kissing me once a year... And me having to be polite about it.

I actually hired her when she was single. She met a guy in my office and had a romance with him on company time. In other words, MY time. She married him (her wedding day cost me 15 productive man-days, since I had to give everybody half the day off) and years later, when she was completely drunk and away from home, I was finally good enough for a snog. I was RIGHT THERE THE WHOLE DAMNED TIME. Hell, I was even single for a while because Monique took her sweet fucking time to finally decide to keep me. She actually broke up with me TWICE to 'think things over'. So yeah, if I had ever been able to muster the strength to seek professional help, to seek counselling, I'm sure a few 'issues' with me and women would have become apparent. Meanwhile, seeing them whipped on Extremetube.com would have to do. If only I could afford a subscription now...

Kate had calmed down a bit when she came to bed. I got a wet, sloppy kiss on my cheek and then we drifted off. The next morning she brought me breakfast on a tray (scrambled eggs on toast, the only hot breakfast item I like and the equivalent of roasting a turkey for her because she couldn't cook to save her life) and wanted to know everything I had done. Sometimes she jumped out of bed to go and have a look. She wore a huge checkered flannel shirt, about five sizes too big. I wasn't entirely sure there were panties under there... As soon as she had inspected something, she'd come running back, jump on the bed and thank me. Quite often, she was a bit emotional.

She liked the extra space in the attic that the new cabinet provided, but when she had seen it she came back with a worried look. That was the first time something appeared not to be to her liking.

“That doesn't mean you're going to sleep there, does it? On one of those sad blow-up mattresses?”

Actually, I had been considering that. There was just about enough free space now.

“Why not?” I asked. “You can have your bed back.”

“But I like it when you are here! I'm not happy about sleeping alone either, you know. I spend half my life in hotels, with people I don't like. People I sometimes actually have to kick out of my bed when they find I'm single, I might add. I like having you around, Martin. It's like a slumber party. I mean, I can't stop you but... don't leave on my account. You know I don't like to sleep alone.”

That was true. She had often crawled into bed with me when she was younger. I was fine with that, for the exact same reason she described: I was lonely too, being 16 when she was born. She wore adorable pink pyjamas and she would only appear in the early mornings, usually when the sun was up in the summer. And I had a TV in my room, so at the weekend she'd sneak in early and turn it on, with the volume so low she had to lie upside down in the bed to hear. I didn't mind the murmur of her insipid cartoons, I just enjoyed feeling someone against me. It was as if I had a really big cat that slept on my bed occasionally, that sort of thing.

“Well, I'm not in a hurry. I think I might be heading home in a few days. I'd like to stay for the weekend, so I can catch some shows. But... What?”

She pulled a face. A worried face.

“Promise you won't be angry.”

“At what?”

“At what I'm about to say.”

“Am I likely to get angry? Did you arrange for another prostitute?”

She bit her finger as she shook her head. That was the same look she had given me when, at age four, she had managed to break my best locomotive. (I was into model railroads at the time, or rather I was already over it when that happened, so I found it relatively easy to forgive her. She was Kate, after all.)

“Well what then?”

“Promise first.”

“I can't promise until I have some sort of idea of the magnitude, you idiot!”

I don't usually call her names, but then she doesn't usually make me promise not to get angry. She took a deep breath and said:

“I cancelled your lease. On your house. You can't go back.”

I just stared at her. Surely there was more to come. Something along the lines of a VERY good explanation, one would hope.

“Well?” she asked, eventually.

“This is it? Or did you also arrange to have my car torched?”

She shook her head, clearly worried I would go nuclear.

“I just... I don't feel there is anything left for you there. That is a sad house and it is eating into your financial reserves. I'm here, mom and dad are only two hours away, you love London... I think this is where you need to be now. With me. With us.”

“I can just call them and reinstate the lease,” I said, shellshocked. I was homeless!

“Well yes... except they said they had a family member lined up. And they have already begun to move you out. They're taking your stuff to uncle Jan, he'll hang on to it for the time being. A disabled relative is moving in and they need to do some modifications to the bathroom and toilet, put in a few handrails here and there... They were going to ask you to leave, actually. So their nan can live close to a clinic.”

I had actually heard mention of that last year, as I moved in. But it was just a hypothetical scenario at the time.

“Kate.. bloody hell... I LIVE there! It's where I am registered! My bills go there, my national health insurance depends on me being a resident SOMEWHERE. I can't live in a mailbox!”

She crawled towards me, now less afraid I'd actually lash out.

“You're a EU citizen, you can simply register yourself here. With me. And then you can use the NHS, like anyone else. It's not as if you need to get a residence visa, you're good. You're Dutch. Like me. About the only privilege you'll lose is not being allowed to vote in municipal elections back home. Big deal.”

“And … and ... and … what about my car!”

“Yeah... not much use here. I can't get a parking permit and even if I could, the congestion charge alone is enormous. You can just leave it where it is for the time being, but I looked it up online and there is a website where they buy cars. I put in the license plate and they're offering 2.000 euros for it, if it's in reasonable condition. Just mail them the keys, they will do the rest.”

I was dumbstruck. She had just uprooted me from my own bloody country!

“Anything else?” I asked, trying to sound sarcastic. Maybe she'd sold one of my lungs, who knew?

“That's it. I cancelled the lease. Just sell that car, register at this address and you're done. They'll forward any mail you might get, although...”

“WHAT?”

“I've already asked the postal service to redirect your stuff to uncle Jan too. He's fine with it, glad to help.”

I rubbed my face, from my mouth to my forehead and back again. It's what I do when I just don't know what's what anymore. I've been doing it a lot, the past few years.

“It's not as if you'll lose citizenship. And you weren't claiming any benefits anyway. You'd be saving money. 700 a month for that house, for a start. About 200 more if you shift that car. Not to mention 2000 a year for healthcare coverage that you don't actually use. Heating. Gas. Council tax.”

“Yes that's all well and good but it's not just about saving money, is it? What the hell am I supposed to do here? Run another business into the ground? There's not much demand for that.”

Suddenly, her attitude changed.

“That's just self-pity and you know it. You didn't run it into the ground, you were owed money by a bunch of fucking Beaners and Pineapples and they held on to it for too long.”

I laughed. I know she's not racist, but since she knew that the projects in Mexico and the Philippines were what eventually killed my business, these nations had collectively made her naughty list.

“Yeah okay, but still... What am I supposed to do that 8 million Londoners who are already here can't?”

“Well, actually... I have a job for you. A gig, really.”

Now her smile reappeared. She figured she had won this battle. She probably had, I couldn't really see why I was needed in The Netherlands either. I like uncle Jan, sure, but I see him twice a year and I'm sure he would be less enthusiastic about me moving in than Kate was. It was nice to be wanted.

“What kind of job?” I asked.

She smiled a prize winning smile. Seriously, I was going to have to find a sporting goods store for some kind of trophy and have it engraved.

“It's the perfect gig for you...”

 

And this is where the preview ends. To read the entire story, which spans 30 chapters, go to http://thereluctantguide.com/bestsisterever. There is a MONEY BACK GUARANTEE. Don't like the book? Send me a polite email and I'll refund you, no questions asked.

Here is the small print for the guarantee: - none. Just let me know the Paypal address you used, that's it.

Still not convinced? Here are 100% genuine quotes from people who've read the book on Literotica.com, where it was received with thousands of favorites, hundreds of comments and an incredible 4.7/5 average score:

Totally awesome series here

Really great writing here - probably the best snappy dialogue that I have seen in the past 30 years or so. The running commentary is really great and contributes greatly to the story. The jokes are sometimes a bit over the top for an American but I enjoyed them so much that I had to stop reading several times I was laughing some much that I was crying.... Keep up the good work - I am anxiously awaiting the next installment.

Riveting.....

Bravo, sir.....bravo! I can't recall the last time I looked forward to reading a story as much as this. I'm anxiously awaiting future chapters, and to see where the characters go. Honestly, this is such a good read, that it could be a book I'd find on a shelf at Barnes and Noble. Please continue on for MANY more chapters.

Very Entertaining Fun Story

This is going to be a good series if the next chapters are this entertaining. Thanks for sharing.

Very impressive

Unlike anything I've read on this site before. Beautifully done. I'm hooked.

Well done

You've done a great job setting the rest of the story. I guess a lot of readers here don't like investing in a good story - so fuck 'em. I like the care you are taking with the characters. And only a few writers have the magic to do that in a single page (and I'm not one). I'm in for more and I hope, for God's sake, you find this guy's mojo!

This is literature

Really good. It sounds like real people that love each other.

- This makes me alternate between giggling like an idiot and cringing. Very entertaining.

- I'm hooked i need the next chapter - great humor in the banter with the neighbor - loved it.

Just Some Good Old Fun Writing

Thanks for telling a story that's just a good read!!

I'm in love with Kate

Who wouldn't be?

Excellent story

Really well written story, great character building. I feel some may think of the main character as a wimp but I would strongly disagree with them... There are folks like that and I assume this is story where he is finding his niche so I would ask all detractors to be patient and give the story a chance to unfold. Like most metamorphoses it will take him a while to reinvent himself.

Good

As in really, really good.

Keep it coming

The dialogue and story line are great. Don't stop.

Solid 5

I'd rate it higher if I could. Love the witty dialog. More chapters please.

I found this one of the most compelling and intriguing chapters.

Different strokes for different folks, obviously. In this chapter we see a transition beginning, from stupid wimp to gun-shy but intelligent contributor. While the details of the sex scene were odd, how could they not be? This guy is a sexual neophyte. Diana should go ahead and start inquiring about his past sexual history if she really wants to understand and engage him as a man, rather than just as her current fuck partner.

So while it was one of your more subtle and less substantive chapters in terms of plot progression, for me it shows a turning point for severe of your characters. I like your writing. Thank You for your time and talent.

I love that this is a STORY

I am invested in both of these characters, and that is what keeps me looking for the next chapter. Well done.

REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY like this story!

Just keeps getting better...makes me want to know what is coming next...sure holds my interest. Thanks!

It's hard to express

just how good this is. Please keep it coming without interruption.

Excellent Writing.

Very enjoyable reading.

Excellent Work!

One of the better written stories here. Love the development, so different from most stories I read on this site. Engaging characters! Eagerly awaiting more!

Great plot

Great plot how Martin has to rebuild his life after firm went into liquidation. Good details of theatre work and I like timely humour. You spent time to develop the characters and Kate is a fascinating person and lovable

Good series

I adore this series and it becomes one of my favorites on Literotica. In the beginning, we read mostly about Martin's thoughts, feelings and experience. When Martin and Kate actually interact, it is fascinating. I wish I could read Kate's thoughts.

Wonderful

I am REALLY enjoying this story. Plot and charactet development is paced perfectly. Look forward to subsequent chapters.

Thanks

your story telling skills are great... please get the next ones fast.. absolutely hooked on this story line

This is so good!

You are one of the best! Love your style! You stroke the perfect balance between abundant wit, humour, great storyline, and romance. Not an easy feat. Helluva good job!

 

Please continue on for MANY more chapters

Bravo, sir.....bravo! I can't recall the last time I looked forward to reading a story as much as this. I'm anxiously awaiting future chapters, and to see where the characters go. Honestly, this is such a good read, that it could be a book I'd find on a shelf at Barnes and Noble.

Wonderful

I am REALLY enjoying this story. Plot and character development is paced perfectly.

 

I laughed my ass off while reading this!!!

I had to stop several times and wipe my eyes. Very funny!!

I need to replenish my stock of fives (out of fives)

You're earning them faster than I can print them. This was funny, moving, sad, happy, laughing, crying all in one. The audience was not the only one using up the rain forests, this reader was sniffling away too. Who needs sex? This is much more fun. Well done for the umpteenth time.

Laughed my ass off

Witty, charming just laugh out loud funny, this story had it all. I cracked up, get mad at or with, feel sad and sympathize a lot with the characters and not a lot of these stories make me do that. Wince at mistakes or problems, shake my head at actions or simply sigh with annoyed understanding and for that I thank you.

Great!

Unless you write you have no idea how hard writing what you've just read is. Writing something as witty and clever as this is extremely difficult; I know, I've tried and failed. Any half educated, horny teenager can post his masturbatory fantasy here, and God knows too many have, it takes a real mind to write a full story that is entertaining, fun and erotic. Congratulations to the author for an extremely entertaining chapter! I can't wait for more!

Wow, how clever was that? Amazing!!

Good stuff and drama. And, oh, fuck the fucking. I mean, fucking is good and all, but we get that by the slop bucket full on this site. Truly clever wit, drama, and poignant back stories, not so much. So thank you for raising the Literotica IQ about 50 points with this story. Just wonderful.

Great read

You my sir have me hooked. Being from Dutch descent myself I do understand your use of Dutch idioms and the swear words you used too. I can so relate to this brother and sister and the undying love they have for each other. It makes me wish my family was closer both in physical distance as well as emotionally. Keep this story going for as long as you need to because each instalment brightens my day....

I'm as far...

from having a foot fetish as anyone on the planet. But that scene was still somehow very romantic. A remarkable author.

Quite the unknown stud

Amazing what the constant mind nipping of a partner will do to the best of us. When you are really appreciated as a person or lover, there is no ceiling. When you are used and abused, even mentally, you doubt your worth and value. Are some of these other woman help from the sister. or are they "free" spirits that see something very good. Martin is like a flower that is being nurtured and is beginning to really bloom. Struggling to feel his worth, and oh so wanting to be......complete, if that is the word.

More please

Thank you. I wish to lavish praise on your use of the English language as a comedic medium.

Take my 5 stars!

You're doing such a good job! Your playing with the language and i love it! Keep on going! I can't wait for the next chapter!

A pleasant surprise

It has been quite some time since I have came across a story that captured me as much as this one has. I can't wait to see where you take this story, and I am loving the level of development you are using. Can't wait to see more from you!

Next!

I visit for a personal quickie... but have been captivated and read all 18 chapters in the last 3 days! excellent. lets have another chapter! and be quick about it!!! hahahah

My daily treat

Your excellent series is a daily treat for me. I check this site and enjoy each chapter. Great writing, good humour and still going strong.

More chapters please

please do not stop this series before 100 chapters. I can't see why a large number of possibilities are not possible with the plot that you have nurtured. Reach chapter 100 and your readers will still be with you. All the best for future chapters.

Lovely

Love Your Series here. Real Story, Real Plot, and Still sexy enough often enough for a wank if wanted lol. but its an actual Story that is thought out, and being the nerd I am I Love that fact. Hell you even keep the Pacing and add a few twists too.

I think your pacing is spot on

Martin should not have any idea that his younger sister has the hots for him. This is a REAL story, not a Literotica Special where the siblings are fucking before the end of the first page. I think this story is fantastic, and I look forward to each new chapter.

Best laugh I've had in a long time.

Not a thing to do with a fresh mouthful of hot coffee. Right out the nose. That's painful I tell you. Love the story.

I went ahead and bought the novel

Not sure if that was a feliberate strategy on your part or a fringe from Lit's slow posting times. Excellent marketing, if so. I'll refrain from spoiling anything, but good Lord are the comments going to explode when you get to the end!

Hard to believe for some, but

...there are a great many men and women who even at the age of 40 are sexually naive. Martin is an exceptionally nice man, always kind and considerate of others. Martin has never been selfish enough to take what he wants, and is has enough pride to suffer in silence rather than ask or plead for something. Apparently, many of the commenters here don't understand that someone like this exists, but he is one of the most "real" characters in any story I've read on this site. I look forward to each new chapter. Thank you for sharing this story with us.

Never knew I was an addict till this story came along.

But God this is so very good. Main liner al the way.

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