8 That Seems Like a Lot to drink
Jimmy, Craig, and Cameron were drinking at the bar they had built in the back of the house Craig and Cameron rented. The bar was a feat of hastily done workmanship and plywood, but they were the only guys with a fully stocked bar in their house that didn't have to pledge a fraternity and shove marshmallows in their rectum. There was no have to, they chose to shove marshmallows up their rectums.
"See, the problem with Short Circuit is the complete lack of subtlety or nuance in the themes." Jimmy was already drunk. He had come after his radio show with Cameron to start the party early. Where Cameron was drinking beer, Jimmy was drinking bourbon. Jimmy didn't love alcohol, in fact he never really seemed to enjoy the taste of it. Jimmy never nursed; he abused. The concept of warm beer seemed like a fiction to him. Liquor was to be pounded, beer was to be guzzled. What Jimmy loved was the chaos of binge drinking. When alcohol was mainlined into bloodstreams, the occasional grope, rude language, or some good old fashioned racist jokes were generally forgiven. Alcohol excused Jimmy to be the anti-social asshole that he suspected he was born to be. 'That's just Jimmy, he's blasted' was fine at twenty one, but in a few years that kind of behavior was going to put him on Cops wearing a Stone Cold Steve Austin tank top being carted off in handcuffs while a woman that had called the police on him, the common law father of her six children, begged for his freedom while burping up Pabst Blue Ribbon and picking mustard off of her tube top.
"What nuances? All of the Steve Guttenberg movies are retarded." Craig asked, very politically correctly.
"No, all of Guttenberg’s movies are fantastic, you shit-tard. It's just that Short Circuit was a simplistic splooge on the 80s American psyche. Police Academy and Police Academy II are about the underdog overcoming extreme circumstances despite the caveat of self-doubt, and Three Men and a Baby is about complacency in the bachelor life style and forgetting your paternal urges and the often hilarious consequences that lie within. Short Circuit though is just a robot that quotes the Three Stooges is hilarious and that the director is a racist asshole for making Fisher Stevens wear brown face and play a haji. Back me up Professor." Jimmy argued as if it mattered.
Cameron considered this and watched his friend gulp bourbon and coke like a Bumpus dog devouring the old man's turkey. He was used to watching Jimmy getting Christian Slater drunk before the party and arguing about some bizarre pop culture entity. If it wasn't the historical inaccuracies of the Bill and Ted movies, it was the merits of the different guitar players Billy Idol had used throughout his stellar post X career. He had heard the Short Circuit argument before and decided to get his sloppy friend riled up. "I dunno, I think Short Circuit is great. There a few awesome scenes."
"No. No. No. No. Short Circuit is not 'just a few awesome scenes.' That movie has something like two light chuckles in the whole goddamn thing. It’s eighty eight minutes of stone faced staring and then two fucking giggles. There are no guffaws, no belly laughs, just a borderline autistic robot that wants to be a neurotic asshole like the rest of us. That's why there isn't anything interesting to that hunk of garbage of a movie." At this point Jimmy was standing and pointing at Cameron and Craig. Drunkenly arguing with the fervor generally reserved for defending one’s choice of bride to disapproving parents.
"Hunk of garbage?" asked Cameron.
"Yes it's a hunk of salty shitball garbage, and that is why you like it. You are a hunk of salty shitball garbage monster with garbage dreams, garbage hopes, and garbage ideas." Yay! Surly Jimmy! "Besides they left out the best part of the movie."
“What’s that?” Craig bit.
“The part where Johnny 5 attaches a butt plug to both of his hands and satisfies both Guttenberg and that racist ass Fisher Stevens.”
"Wait, there's a robot in Short Circuit? I thought those are electrician movies. You might be thinking of Star Wars." Craig asked conspiratorially.
"Yeah Jimmy, did they have light sabers? You might be thinking of Star Wars."
"No!"
"Was there a giant dog man called a wookie? You might be thinking of Star Wars."
"NO! You shitbird." slurred Jimmy, who had grown sullen with the teasing.
"Did they blow up planets with an old satellite dish? You might be thinking of Star Wars Jimmy."
"No..." Jimmy sighed, collapsing his head into his hands.
"Did they use the force? They used the force didn't they? You might be thinking of Star Wars. He's definitely thinking of Star Wars."
"No, there was a robot in Short Circuit. Remember the damn thing comes alive when hit by lightning. Which happens because, you know, movies. Hey penicillin dick, are you even listening?" Jimmy gulped down the rest of his bourbon.
"What? Yeah Short Circuit sucks; I understand now. Whatever."
"What's the matter?" Jimmy asked, still a little annoyed about a fifteen year old movie that had nothing to do with him.
"I just, I don't know man, girl issues I guess." Craig looked earnestly out the window of the bar. The day had been Alabama hot and you could still make out a haze of potential uncomfortable back sweat in the twilight. He absent mindedly pretended to inspect a nail that had been sticking out haphazardly from the bar. Jimmy had helped build it. He didn’t want to look them in the face; he was pretty sure that Jimmy was about to unfavorably compare him to Robert Smith of The Cure.
Cameron and Jimmy shared a look; this was a first. Craig never talked about girls. He never had to, Jimmy would just listen through the walls and report later. In fact, Craig had never even seemed to think twice about any girl he was involved with, not even the one he was engaged to.
"It's just, I don't know what I'm doing with Christine. I don't want to get married. I'm twenty five. What the fuck do I know about commitment?"
Jimmy crinkled his nose. “Weren’t you in the army or some shit?”
“Yeah, so?”
“I think I would call that some kind of commitment. Wouldn’t you?”
“That’s different. That was easy. They just told me how to tie my shoes, make my bed, and where to shit. It’s peacetime, what problems could there be? This, this wedding just seems impossible.” Craig took a deep pull off of his vodka and tonic, spilling a little on his neatly ironed t-shirt. Craig ironed everything, including his socks and underwear, which was different than Jimmy and Cameron, who looked like they slept in their hampers most days. Cameron knew that Craig did his ironing on Fridays while he and Jimmy were at the radio station. Because of specialty programming that followed their shows, Craig was off on Fridays.
Cameron considered this, "Well then, that is it isn't? You should call her up and break it off now. Don't drag this out until she catches you cheating on her with Big Tuck or some other girl. She is going to catch you; I had to divert her out of the hallway while you recklessly banged away in one of the production studios yesterday after the meeting. Christine may have blinders on when dealing with you, but she isn't completely blind. Break it off with her.
"Yeah, but then I'll just be stuck with Big Tuck."
"Oh boo fucking hoo, poor Craig can't keep his dick out of good looking girls. Waaahhh!" Jimmy mocked. "What's wrong with her? She obviously likes you. I mean, do you know how many times I had sex last year? Four, four lovely ladies that were willing to use me for one night and toss me aside like the transient man whore I am. You had sex with two different girls yesterday alone and will probably have sex with at least one tonight."
"Well actually, I already knocked the bottom out of Big Tuck while you guys were at the radio station doing your show. I told her she had to leave so that we could get ready for the party."
"Thanks for listening to the show. Are they both going to be here tonight? Could we as your long suffering friends at least be privy to a catfight or at least something beyond this soap opera bullshit?" Jimmy grinned at his ball busting and finished off another jack and a coke.
Cameron said soberly, "I don't know man, seems like you know the right thing to do is break it off, but there is something holding you back."
Craig laughed, "Yeah, it's a lot of fun."