(A MALE FORM PASSES DOWN THE CREAKING STAIRCASE AND IS HEARD TAKING THE WATERPROOF AND HAT FROM THE RACK. BLOOM STARTS FORWARD INVOLUNTARILY AND, HALF CLOSING THE DOOR AS HE PASSES, TAKES THE CHOCOLATE FROM HIS POCKET AND OFFERS IT NERVOUSLY TO ZOE.)
ZOE: (SNIFFS HIS HAIR BRISKLY) Hmmm! Thank your mother for the rabbits. I'm very fond of what I like.
BLOOM: (HEARING A MALE VOICE IN TALK WITH THE WHORES ON THE DOORSTEP, PRICKS HIS EARS) If it were he? After? Or because not? Or the double event?
ZOE: (TEARS OPEN THE SILVERFOIL) Fingers was made before forks. (SHE BREAKS OFF AND NIBBLES A PIECE GIVES A PIECE TO KITTY RICKETTS AND THEN TURNS KITTENISHLY TO LYNCH) No objection to French lozenges? (HE NODS. SHE TAUNTS HIM.) Have it now or wait till you get it? (HE OPENS HIS MOUTH, HIS HEAD COCKED. SHE WHIRLS THE PRIZE IN LEFT CIRCLE. HIS HEAD FOLLOWS. SHE WHIRLS IT BACK IN RIGHT CIRCLE. HE EYES HER.) Catch!
(SHE TOSSES A PIECE. WITH AN ADROIT SNAP HE CATCHES IT AND BITES IT THROUGH WITH A CRACK.)
KITTY: (CHEWING) The engineer I was with at the bazaar does have lovely ones. Full of the best liqueurs. And the viceroy was there with his lady. The gas we had on the Toft's hobbyhorses. I'm giddy still.
BLOOM: (IN SVENGALI'S FUR OVERCOAT, WITH FOLDED ARMS AND NAPOLEONIC FORELOCK, FROWNS IN VENTRILOQUIAL EXORCISM WITH PIERCING EAGLE GLANCE TOWARDS THE DOOR. THEN RIGID WITH LEFT FOOT ADVANCED HE MAKES A SWIFT PASS WITH IMPELLING FINGERS AND GIVES THE SIGN OF PAST MASTER, DRAWING HIS RIGHT ARM DOWNWARDS FROM HIS LEFT SHOULDER.) Go, go, go, I conjure you, whoever you are!
(A MALE COUGH AND TREAD ARE HEARD PASSING THROUGH THE MIST OUTSIDE. BLOOM'S FEATURES RELAX. HE PLACES A HAND IN HIS WAISTCOAT, POSING CALMLY. ZOE OFFERS HIM CHOCOLATE.)
BLOOM: (SOLEMNLY) Thanks.
ZOE: Do as you're bid. Here!
(A FIRM HEELCLACKING TREAD IS HEARD ON THE STAIRS.)
BLOOM: (TAKES THE CHOCOLATE) Aphrodisiac? Tansy and pennyroyal. But I bought it. Vanilla calms or? Mnemo. Confused light confuses memory. Red influences lupus. Colours affect women's characters, any they have. This black makes me sad. Eat and be merry for tomorrow. (HE EATS) Influence taste too, mauve. But it is so long since I. Seems new. Aphro. That priest. Must come. Better late than never. Try truffles at Andrews.
(THE DOOR OPENS. BELLA COHEN, A MASSIVE WHOREMISTRESS, ENTERS. SHE IS DRESSED IN A THREEQUARTER IVORY GOWN, FRINGED ROUND THE HEM WITH TASSELLED SELVEDGE, AND COOLS HERSELF FLIRTING A BLACK HORN FAN LIKE MINNIE HAUCK IN Carmen. ON HER LEFT HAND ARE WEDDING AND KEEPER RINGS. HER EYES ARE DEEPLY CARBONED. SHE HAS A SPROUTING MOUSTACHE. HER OLIVE FACE IS HEAVY, SLIGHTLY SWEATED AND FULLNOSED WITH ORANGETAINTED NOSTRILS. SHE HAS LARGE PENDANT BERYL EARDROPS.)
BELLA: My word! I'm all of a mucksweat.
(SHE GLANCES ROUND HER AT THE COUPLES. THEN HER EYES REST ON BLOOM WITH HARD INSISTENCE. HER LARGE FAN WINNOWS WIND TOWARDS HER HEATED FACENECK AND EMBONPOINT. HER FALCON EYES GLITTER.)
THE FAN: (FLIRTING QUICKLY, THEN SLOWLY) Married, I see. BLOOM: Yes. Partly, I have mislaid ...
THE FAN: (HALF OPENING, THEN CLOSING) And the missus is master. Petticoat government.
BLOOM: (LOOKS DOWN WITH A SHEEPISH GRIN) That is so.
THE FAN: (FOLDING TOGETHER, RESTS AGAINST HER LEFT EARDROP) Have you forgotten me?
BLOOM: Yes. Yo.
THE FAN: (FOLDED AKIMBO AGAINST HER WAIST) Is me her was you dreamed before? Was then she him you us since knew? Am all them and the same now we?
(BELLA APPROACHES, GENTLY TAPPING WITH THE FAN.)
BLOOM: (WINCING) Powerful being. In my eyes read that slumber which women love. THE FAN: (TAPPING) We have met. You are mine. It is fate.
BLOOM: (COWED) Exuberant female. Enormously I desiderate your domination. I am exhausted, abandoned, no more young. I stand, so to speak, with an unposted letter bearing the extra regulation fee before the too late box of the general postoffice of human life. The door and window open at a right angle cause a draught of thirtytwo feet per second according to the law of falling bodies. I have felt this instant a twinge of sciatica in my left glutear muscle. It runs in our family. Poor dear papa, a widower, was a regular barometer from it. He believed in animal heat. A skin of tabby lined his winter waistcoat. Near the end, remembering king David and the Sunamite, he shared his bed with Athos, faithful after death. A dog's spittle as you probably ... (HE WINCES) Ah!
RICHIE GOULDING: (BAGWEIGHTED, PASSES THE DOOR) Mocking is catch. Best value in Dub. Fit for a prince's. Liver and kidney.
THE FAN: (TAPPING) All things end. Be mine. Now,
BLOOM: (UNDECIDED) All now? I should not have parted with my talisman. Rain, exposure at dewfall on the searocks, a peccadillo at my time of life. Every phenomenon has a natural cause.
THE FAN: (POINTS DOWNWARDS SLOWLY) You may.
BLOOM: (LOOKS DOWNWARDS AND PERCEIVES HER UNFASTENED BOOTLACE) We are observed.
THE FAN: (POINTS DOWNWARDS QUICKLY) You must.
BLOOM: (WITH DESIRE, WITH RELUCTANCE) I can make a true black knot. Learned when I served my time and worked the mail order line for Kellett's. Experienced hand. Every knot says a lot. Let me. In courtesy. I knelt once before today. Ah!
(BELLA RAISES HER GOWN SLIGHTLY AND, STEADYING HER POSE, LIFTS TO THE EDGE OF A CHAIR A PLUMP BUSKINED HOOF AND A FULL PASTERN, SILKSOCKED. BLOOM, STIFFLEGGED, AGING, BENDS OVER HER HOOF AND WITH GENTLE FINGERS DRAWS OUT AND IN HER LACES.)
BLOOM: (MURMURS LOVINGLY) To be a shoefitter in Manfield's was my love's young dream, the darling joys of sweet buttonhooking, to lace up crisscrossed to kneelength the dressy kid footwear satinlined, so incredibly impossibly small, of Clyde Road ladies. Even their wax model Raymonde I visited daily to admire her cobweb hose and stick of rhubarb toe, as worn in Paris.
THE HOOF: Smell my hot goathide. Feel my royal weight.
BLOOM: (CROSSLACING) Too tight?
THE HOOF: If you bungle, Handy Andy, I'll kick your football for you.
BLOOM: Not to lace the wrong eyelet as I did the night of the bazaar dance. Bad luck. Hook in wrong tache of her ... person you mentioned. That night she met ... Now!
(HE KNOTS THE LACE. BELLA PLACES HER FOOT ON THE FLOOR. BLOOM RAISES HIS HEAD. HER HEAVY FACE, HER EYES STRIKE HIM IN MIDBROW. HIS EYES GROW DULL, DARKER AND POUCHED, HIS NOSE THICKENS.)
BLOOM: (MUMBLES) Awaiting your further orders we remain, gentlemen, ...
BELLO: (WITH A HARD BASILISK STARE, IN A BARITONE VOICE) Hound of dishonour!
BLOOM: (INFATUATED) Empress!
BELLO: (HIS HEAVY CHEEKCHOPS SAGGING) Adorer of the adulterous rump! BLOOM: (PLAINTIVELY) Hugeness!
BELLO: Dungdevourer!
BLOOM: (WITH SINEWS SEMIFLEXED) Magmagnificence!
BELLO: Down! (HE TAPS HER ON THE SHOULDER WITH HIS FAN) Incline feet forward! Slide left foot one pace back! You will fall. You are falling. On the hands down!
BLOOM: (HER EYES UPTURNED IN THE SIGN OF ADMIRATION, CLOSING, YAPS) Truffles!
(WITH A PIERCING EPILEPTIC CRY SHE SINKS ON ALL FOURS, GRUNTING, SNUFFLING, ROOTING AT HIS FEET: THEN LIES, SHAMMING DEAD, WITH EYES SHUT TIGHT, TREMBLING EYELIDS, BOWED UPON THE GROUND IN THE ATTITUDE OF MOST EXCELLENT MASTER.)
BELLO: (WITH BOBBED HAIR, PURPLE GILLS, FIT MOUSTACHE RINGS ROUND HIS SHAVEN MOUTH, IN MOUNTAINEER'S PUTTEES, GREEN SILVERBUTTONED COAT, SPORT SKIRT AND ALPINE HAT WITH MOORCOCK'S FEATHER, HIS HANDS STUCK DEEP IN HIS BREECHES POCKETS, PLACES HIS HEEL ON HER NECK AND GRINDS IT IN) Footstool! Feel my entire weight. Bow, bondslave, before the throne of your despot's glorious heels so glistening in their proud erectness.
BLOOM: (ENTHRALLED, BLEATS) I promise never to disobey.
BELLO: (LAUGHS LOUDLY) Holy smoke! You little know what's in store for you. I'm the Tartar to settle your little lot and break you in! I'll bet Kentucky cocktails all round I shame it out of you, old son. Cheek me, I dare you. If you do tremble in anticipation of heel discipline to be inflicted in gym costume.
(BLOOM CREEPS UNDER THE SOFA AND PEERS OUT THROUGH THE FRINGE.)
ZOE: (WIDENING HER SLIP TO SCREEN HER) She's not here. BLOOM: (CLOSING HER EYES) She's not here.
FLORRY: (HIDING HER WITH HER GOWN) She didn't mean it, Mr Bello. She'll be good, sir.
KITTY: Don't be too hard on her, Mr Bello. Sure you won't, ma'amsir.
BELLO: (COAXINGLY) Come, ducky dear, I want a word with you, darling, just to administer correction. Just a little heart to heart talk, sweety. (BLOOM PUTS OUT HER TIMID HEAD) There's a good girly now. (BELLO GRABS HER HAIR VIOLENTLY AND DRAGS HER FORWARD) I only want to correct you for your own good on a soft safe spot. How's that tender behind? O, ever so gently, pet. Begin to get ready.
BLOOM: (FAINTING) Don't tear my ...
BELLO: (SAVAGELY) The nosering, the pliers, the bastinado, the hanging hook, the knout I'll make you kiss while the flutes play like the Nubian slave of old. You're in for it this time! I'll make you remember me for the balance of your natural life. (HIS FOREHEAD VEINS SWOLLEN, HIS FACE CONGESTED) I shall sit on your ottoman saddleback every morning after m