Delaying the inevitable, I combed my hair then twisted it into one long tress. I pinned it to the top of my head, then washed my face and hands for the third time. Suddenly, I stood straighter, walked from the house and down the road to meet Joseph.
I looked to the heavens, wishing I knew how the meeting would end. I stumbled over a rock, lost my balance and would have fallen, but I grabbed a low bush beside the road. Straightening up, I glanced around to make sure no one had seen my embarrassing near-fall. I then removed sand from my sandals and watched where I stepped.
Brilliant sunshine sparkling on the path hurt my eyes. I shaded them and looked toward the groves. “Good,” I said aloud, “Joseph isn"t here yet. I have a few more minutes to get myself calm.”
Entering the olive grove, I noticed sunlight netting shadows and light underneath each tree. It appeared strange to me that trunks of these trees should all bend one way. In contrast, the gnarled limbs grew in all directions.
Orange blossoms attached to green vines curled around brown limbs, adding color to the grove.
At first, I didn"t see Joseph.
I moved farther into the grove and Joseph stepped from behind a tree, startling me. I felt strange as he watched my approach without saying a word. His face held no expression and I couldn"t tell what he was thinking.
I stopped a few feet in front of him.
“Hello, Joseph.” I kept my voice as toneless as possible. “You wanted to talk?”
“Yes.” He answered, his voice low, urgent. “We must.”
“I"m here. Whatever you have to say, I"ll listen.” My voice was noncommittal.
“Mary, please look at me.” He spoke softly, though his voice was intense and pain filled. “I"ve been miserable since the morning you walked away from me.”
My face turned upward, meeting his eyes. “You hurt me too, Joseph. More than I could ever have believed possible.” I retorted in a cold voice, lowering my head.
“I"m sorry, Mary.” He held out a hand, but I ignored it. He let it fall to his side. “You gave me such a shock when you told me you were with child. All I could think of was that you were going to bear another man"s child. My heart was torn into a million pieces.” His face contorted in agony.
“After you left,” he spoke softly. “I stayed in my room or came here to sit under these olive trees. I felt closer to you here because this was the last place I saw you. I asked God to show me what to do.”
I felt his eyes on me. “I knew you were sinless, Mary. I knew in my heart you could do nothing wrong, yet I drove you away. You were so far I couldn"t tell you or ask your forgiveness.” His voice was low and intense.
He picked up another stone, then let both fall, dust puffing the sand where they landed.
“Under the Law, I could give you a bill of divorcement. Should I choose that way, you would be stoned when you returned. The idea drew my heart from me.” Joseph picked up a hand full of pebbles, then threw them aside.
His voice was quiet and thoughtful as he continued. “I couldn"t do that.” I felt his glance, but I continued to look at everything except him. “I knew I could marry you and hide you away until the baby was born. People would then think I was more than an honorable man. That too, would have been hypocritical.” He wrung his hands as though he didn"t know what to do.
“I loved you then,” he stated, his voice hoarse with emotion. “I have always loved you.”
I turned to him, still very upset.“And what about me? Didn"t you consider how you would make me feel?” I shouted as I strode back and forth in front of him. I stopped, turned, and lowered my voice. “I have loved you forever, Joseph. When I needed you so desperately, you had the nerve to accuse me of dishonor.” I stopped, took a deep breath and continued. “It was impossible to believe you would do such a thing to someone whom you said you loved.”
I strode away from him, then turned back.
He had not moved, and I watched as the creases on his face deepened. I suddenly knew what he would look like when he grew older. I hated what I was doing to him, but I couldn"t seem to stop. “When I arrived at Elizabeth"s house, I didn"t even have to tell her. Her baby moved and she said she knew I was carrying God"s child.”
“Mary...” Joseph pleaded. “Let me say something.”
“Not yet!” I yelled. “She hadn"t seen me in years. She knew nothing about me except I was my Mother"s child, yet she believed.” I stumbled over the words. “She believed, and you didn"t.” A sob caught in my throat.
Suddenly, I was standing still, looking up at the man I loved, and tears flowed as though they would never stop.
“She believed.” I whispered.
“Oh, my darling Mary,” Joseph said, and held out his arms. I almost succumbed. When I didn"t, he again dropped his arms to his side. “I can never ask your forgiveness enough. This has been the longest three months of my life. I"ve lived with the knowledge that I drove you away. I"ve called myself every name I knew. I prayed to God that you would forgive me for not believing you.” He said. “And yet...”
I cut him off. “And yet, you can stand there and say you were hurting. When did you decide to believe me?
After you resolved that, as a good Jewish man, you should put me away?” My voice cut him and I sharpened it more.
“Or was it when you decided you would do the honorable deed and marry me to keep people from stoning me to death?” The sarcasm must have hurt him deeply, because he flinched.
“Or,” my speech slowed as I looked him straight in the face. “Did God send His angel to tell you to marry me?”
He didn"t have to say a word; his face revealed the answer.
The Earth didn"t stand still, trees didn"t explode or fall but I knew, in that moment, I had the answer to my question.
My stomach rebelled. I ran a few steps and doubled over. Suddenly I retched and was so sick I fell to my knees.
He gently picked me up, then wiped my face with the cloth he always carried in his pocket. “Oh, Mary.” His voice overflowed with contrition and love and sorrow. “Can you ever forgive me for having doubts?” He held me in his arms.
I trembled. Gulping, I struggled to move from his arms but he held me tightly. “Mary, please say something.
Say you forgive me.” His voice was now low and intimate.
“I don"t know what to say, Joseph.” I knew I hurt him, but the anger in me raged like a storm. At that moment, I didn"t care if I hurt him. “Let"s sit and you can tell me about your visit with Gabriel. I"ll try to believe you,” I said, reminding him he hadn"t believed in me.
He released me and we sat under one of the trees. I noticed the sun had barely moved since we arrived. It appeared frozen, like my hopes and dreams. Yet I felt I had aged at least ten years from having discovered the reason he now believed me. That belief came from nothing I said, but because God"s messenger paid him a visit. I wanted to curl into a tiny ball and let the world pass me by.
Flitting about, bugs and insects made noises, and wind in the grove made swishing sounds as leaves rubbed against each other. Birds chirruped, flew from limb to limb, then dove to the ground to scoop up a bug or seed.
I"m sure there were odors from the trees and vines that twined themselves around these gnarled limbs, but I didn"t notice. All I could smell was the residue of my vomiting. I suddenly wondered how he could stand to be so near.
I pulled up a weed I knew had a minty odor. I crushed the leaves and attempted to wipe my robe. These leaves, and I didn"t know the weed"s name, helped to alleviate the smell a little.
Sweat stood out on his forehead and I noticed his robe had wet spots. He didn"t look at me as he picked up a small pebble and tossed it from hand to hand.
I barely heard his whisper. “While I was stewing about what to do, Gabriel did come to visit.”
I heard his words, but at that moment they meant little to me. I was still too upset to absorb everything he said.
Tinkling far away, I heard a sheep"s bell and glanced in that direction. I didn"t want to see an animal, I just wanted to get away.
“That night I stayed up later than usual to work on our house.” He turned to look at me. “I decided to sleep on the roof. I missed you so much, Mary.” His voice broke, he swallowed, then continued. “As I was falling asleep, I heard a voice in my dream. „Joseph, son of David," it said, „do not be afraid to take Mary as your wife. That which has been conceived in her is of the Holy Spirit."”
I felt him staring at me. I knew he wanted my help in telling his story but I was too hurt to respond. I refused to meet his eyes.
“Mary, I didn"t know if I was awake or sleeping. The voice filled the sky as it continued, „And, she will bear a Son. You shall call His name Jesus, for it is He who will save His people from their sins."” Joseph took a deep, ragged breath. His voice was shaky as he spoke. “When I awoke the next morning, I sat on the roof and looked at the sky. I was so ashamed of the way I had treated you.” His voice dropped to little more than a whisper.
I jumped as he abruptly stood and shouted. “Mary! Say something! Don"t just sit there as though I were no more than a lump of clay.”
“And just what do you want me to say, Joseph?” I didn"t try to curb the sarcasm.
“You could say something. Anything would be better than this silence. I have apologized. I don"t know what else to say or do. I love you more than my own life; yet I treated you so badly. How could I do that to you?”
The last words revealed his deep longings to be understood.
“Joseph,” I said, my voice noncommittal. “You know I"ve always loved you. Right now I"m too hurt to think about us.” I stood and my voice was as angry as I felt. “To think you waited for someone else to tell you I was an honorable woman makes me furious.” I glared at him.
Suddenly, I was so exhausted and dirty, all I really wanted was to go home, bathe and sleep.
He stood and reached for my hands. “Please Mary, marry me now. According to our Laws, you"ve been my wife since the betrothal. I would like the entire community to be a part of our marriage ceremony if it"s all right with you.” He pleaded with me as though my answer would either make his life content or unhappy.
“Joseph, I suppose it"s what we have to do.” My voice didn"t sound charitable, even to my ears. “The Baby will come sooner than normal.”
“I know. That"s all right with me. Let the neighbors think what they will. Let them think we didn"t wait for the marriage to consummate our love. We don"t have to tell them anything.”
Here was the answer I wanted, but was it? How much damage was done to the feelings I formerly had for Joseph? Could I ever love him the way I did before? Could I become his true wife after God"s baby was born to us?
I realized marrying him was the only answer. Since the Angel told Joseph he was to name the baby, then so be it. “When would you like the wedding to occur?” I asked, trying to get some enthusiasm into my voice.
Joseph pulled me to him. “Mary, I love you. I don"t know how to let you know how much I really do love you. I shall try to be a good husband and provider for you. I shall take care of you for as long as I live.” The words, as he spoke them, sounded more like a prayer than a declaration of love. Then, he stooped and kissed me.
“Come,” he said. “Let"s go tell your parents, then set a date for the wedding to be as soon as possible.”
Our families were elated. His parents visited us the next day, when all the wedding plans were made. A year had elapsed since our betrothal, so any date was now permitted for the wedding.
The dowry was settled the night of our betrothal. I knew that only a small amount was paid. It was little more than a token, to carry on a tradition. The legal and financial arrangements, as well as vows, were concluded when we were betrothed.
- - - - - - - -
The night of the wedding arrived. The entire day was one to dream about. Breezes kept the temperature from being scorching hot. Leah and Sarah brought so much water from the well, I had more than enough to bathe in. I then used the oils and essences Elizabeth gave me.
At the end of the day, after bathing and dressing, I glanced out the door. Stars twinkled in the vast sky. The moon was almost full and glowed like a giant lamp. It cast its light on the trees in the courtyard. The leaves looked like millions of tiny diamonds, and the stones of the courtyard glowed as though polished.
I waited for Joseph to be escorted to our home by his friends. He would then lead me to his father"s house for the wedding feast.
My bridesmaids, one of whom was Leah, waited with me. Leah looked grown up in her new red and white robe Elizabeth sent. Her hair was plaited with strips of linen the same color as her robe. Her dark eyes glowed with happiness. Her straight little body was so adorable I wanted to stop her growth right now. I hugged her tightly and wondered if I would ever have a daughter as lovely as she.
Sarah and I walked into the back room to talk and do my hair. “Are you nervous?” she asked as we stood, looking out at the starry sky.
“I don"t know,” I said. “I feel numb. It reminds me of a dream.” My voice sounded far away, even to me. “I feel in a little while I"ll awaken and the entire matter will be only my imagination.”
“Oh, Mary.” Sarah hugged me, then pleaded. “Please be happy. I want you to be as happy as I am. I know Joseph betrayed you but can"t you please forgive him?”
“I have forgiven him, Sarah,” I said. “It"s just that I wish it could be a real wedding where we were going to...”
“Going to what?” She stared at me as her forehead wrinkled.
“Sarah.” I held her arm tightly. “This baby is mine and I love Him already.”
“Then what"s wrong?”
“According to Isaiah, I must be a virgin when the baby is born. That means that Joseph and I...” My voice trailed away, and I loosened my grip.
“I didn"t think.” She squeezed my shoulder. “It"s only a little while longer, Mary. Just think what you are giving to the world.” Her eyes glowed with an incandescent love for me and the baby I was carrying.
“Sarah,” I laughed in delight. “You are the best friend I could have. You always set me in the right direction when I go off like that.”
“You"re as silly as those donkeys.” she scolded. “Come, we must comb your hair. You know it"s the only time you can let it down and keep it that way. Believe me, it"s a wonderful feeling. Enjoy it.”
I playfully slapped her hand as she pulled the pins and combs from my hair. It fell almost to my waist. I hadn"t realized how such a simple act could free a woman to be herself.
“You are beautiful, Mary.” Sarah murmured, as she ran a comb through my hair, letting it cascade down my back. She reached down and kissed me on the cheek. “Come, I hear the bridegroom and his friends.”
She clasped my hand as I rose to meet my groom. When he saw me with loosened hair framing my face and body, he gasped. The look on his face was one of adoration. “Come, Mary, let"s go to our feast.” And he held out his hand for me.
Music preceded us as we paraded through the street from our house to his parents". Escorts carried palm and myrtle branches before us. Others threw grain at random. At some weddings, coins were tossed, but our people owned little money to live on and none extra for throwing around. As neighbors came out of their homes with lamps lit, they followed us to the wedding feast.
By the time we reached Joseph"s home, I was in a daze. I knew I should have been ecstatic. My problems were now solved. I had a husband to care for me and my son. I owned the home I dreamed of. I would be loved and cared for as long as Joseph lived. And yet...and yet, I felt a fear inside me that was impossible to explain.
The toasts at the wedding feast extolled my beauty and virtues. I wondered vaguely what these same people would think when they discovered I was carrying a baby on my wedding day. Even worse, what would they think if they knew the baby did not belong to Joseph?
Suddenly, I felt Joseph had been cheated. And yet, who was I to question the plans of God?
Through dozens of toasts, massive amounts of food consumed and uncounted wine skins emptied, my body became tired and my patience grew thin. How I managed the smiles and thanks to everyone for the gifts and toasts and blessings, I"ll never know.
At last...at last, just before dawn, the final guest departed and Joseph and I walked the short distance to the home he had prepared for us. As he opened the door, he picked me up.
I placed my arms around his neck and held on as he carried me gently inside and closed the door.
“What a wonderful way to introduce me to our home, Joseph.” I said, as I looked around.
A lamp was lit on each of four shelves he had built into the wall. The table he gave me for our betrothal sat in a corner with the jewelry box on top. A larger table was in the center of the room. He had fashioned benches on either side of the table where we could sit in comfort while we ate. In the back of the room, a fire glowed from a brazier.
He carried me into another room where he had built a bed on the same order as the one at Elizabeth"s home. Set on four legs, linen covered the pallets. “Joseph! When did you do this?”
“Your mother told me about the bed after she received your first letter. I knew we must have one so you would feel as loved as I could possibly manage.”
On each side of the bed there was a projection from the wall. Both of these were made from smooth stones that Joseph carefully placed. They held a lamp and other, smaller articles, if needed.
“Put me down, Joseph.” I ordered, with a smile.
“You are now my wife.” He said, with his teasing grin. “I shall hold you as long as I wish.”
I looked around the room. There was the chest he made for me to hold our wedding gifts and the many pieces of linen my mother and I made. “Oh, Joseph, how thoughtful you are.”
He put me down, but still held me tightly. His voice was husky as he said, “Mary, my love, though we cannot become as one this night, we shall be as one in God"s sight for the rest of our lives.” He kissed me tenderly on the lips.
I have never felt, before or since, so wrapped in the warmth of total love as at that moment.